Aug 29
Love/hate and the me that lives in between
Ever listened to Loney day by System of A down?
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived
Story of my life. When I walk to school this is the song the plays. Even when I walk back this is still the song that plays in my head. I can't get rid of it but at the same time. I'm not sure I want to get rid of it. It reflects my emptiness so much. It plays every time I'm alone and I think I like it. But if I like it then does that mean I like being alone? I do enjoy my down time no doubt about it but does that make me a recluse? A figure who shuns the outside world favoring the confines of my own mind? It would ,unfortunately, explain a lot. In case your wondering I'm what people call an self defeatist.
But we all do it right?
That what people say but do you know anyone actually like that? How do you tell if you are? Because most people will yell at then selves but aren't willing to be yelled at.
I chatted with the girl of my dreams again today. We always chat and I mean ALWAYS. At first I wasn't sure if i liked her but the more we talk the more ?I like her and the more she really becomes the girl of my dreams. But we're friends. Do i have to instantly like every girl who has something in common with me?
What? That doesn't sound like a bad thing right? It isn't. Its just... I'm a black guy who likes rock, who loves the color black, who sang along to the linkin park part in the LP and JZ mega mash up. I'm a black who writes sci fi, who doesn't dress ghetto in terms of chains and super baggy jeans and New york caps when i live in Pretoria!!!! Because I'm not like that I'm an outcast.
You honestly have no idea, I'm a coconut, an oreo, a 'dude'. I normally just wash past it. No I always wash past it. But it accumulates but it doesn't explode. this isn't doctor Phil. I can control myself. It simmers and it is reflected in that fucking song. Then curiously enough I meet someone who likes not only nikkelback but System of the down and Rage against the machine and Marylin Manson. Someone who knows a little about what quantum physics discusses. Actually enjoys programming as much as I do. And is pretty.*Trust me I left the best for last there's shes gorgeous.*
But she's not perfect she's a bit of a sociopath. ie she adapts herself to match others. Technically we all do it but she does it frighteningly well and is super popular because of it. walking with her is worse than walking with a celebrity. She took being an outcast in a different way to me. I became a recluse she became everyone's friend.
My issue though. Do I like her because I like her. Or is it because she's the first person to actually understand what its like being an outcast? I wanted to ask her out today but that question hit me in mid sentence and I shut down.
Am I being silly? Am I going to blow it? Should I ask her out? Am I over thinking things?
This is the curse of a man who lives too deep inside his own head. You never know if your still in your head and not in your ass...
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 3:50 PM Jan 6
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