Aug 29
Love/hate and the me that lives in between
Ever listened to Loney day by System of A down?
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived
Story of my life. When I walk to school this is the song the plays. Even when I walk back this is still the song that plays in my head. I can't get rid of it but at the same time. I'm not sure I want to get rid of it. It reflects my emptiness so much. It plays every time I'm alone and I think I like it. But if I like it then does that mean I like being alone? I do enjoy my down time no doubt about it but does that make me a recluse? A figure who shuns the outside world favoring the confines of my own mind? It would ,unfortunately, explain a lot. In case your wondering I'm what people call an self defeatist.
But we all do it right?
That what people say but do you know anyone actually like that? How do you tell if you are? Because most people will yell at then selves but aren't willing to be yelled at.
I chatted with the girl of my dreams again today. We always chat and I mean ALWAYS. At first I wasn't sure if i liked her but the more we talk the more ?I like her and the more she really becomes the girl of my dreams. But we're friends. Do i have to instantly like every girl who has something in common with me?
What? That doesn't sound like a bad thing right? It isn't. Its just... I'm a black guy who likes rock, who loves the color black, who sang along to the linkin park part in the LP and JZ mega mash up. I'm a black who writes sci fi, who doesn't dress ghetto in terms of chains and super baggy jeans and New york caps when i live in Pretoria!!!! Because I'm not like that I'm an outcast.
You honestly have no idea, I'm a coconut, an oreo, a 'dude'. I normally just wash past it. No I always wash past it. But it accumulates but it doesn't explode. this isn't doctor Phil. I can control myself. It simmers and it is reflected in that fucking song. Then curiously enough I meet someone who likes not only nikkelback but System of the down and Rage against the machine and Marylin Manson. Someone who knows a little about what quantum physics discusses. Actually enjoys programming as much as I do. And is pretty.*Trust me I left the best for last there's shes gorgeous.*
But she's not perfect she's a bit of a sociopath. ie she adapts herself to match others. Technically we all do it but she does it frighteningly well and is super popular because of it. walking with her is worse than walking with a celebrity. She took being an outcast in a different way to me. I became a recluse she became everyone's friend.
My issue though. Do I like her because I like her. Or is it because she's the first person to actually understand what its like being an outcast? I wanted to ask her out today but that question hit me in mid sentence and I shut down.
Am I being silly? Am I going to blow it? Should I ask her out? Am I over thinking things?
This is the curse of a man who lives too deep inside his own head. You never know if your still in your head and not in your ass...
Aug 13
I hate school so Fcuking much
Hi.... whatever. I SQJ aka Junior. My names not really junior but people have called me junior for so long even i think of my self as junior now.
I'm listening to this song and zonng out.
Can’t get no job, can you spare a dime?
Just one more hit, and I’ll be fine
I swear to God, this’ll be my one last time!
When it gets dark, in Pigeon Park
Voice in my head, will soon be fed
By the vultures, that circle 'round the dead!
In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves… on the ground
Run away before you drown, or the streets will beat you down
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves… on the ground
I never once thought, I’d ever be caught!
Staring at sidewalks, hiding my track marks!
I left my best friends, or did they just leave me?
Ever felt like your friends have left you? Thats what i feel. The only friend I seem to have right now is my school buddy. Someone I don't fucking like! Seriously I don't like him. He's the human version of Mojo Jojo.
He says the same thing over and over and over and over and he punctuates his annoying language with; 'Do you know what I'm saying?' 'Do you see what i mean'
NO FOR FUCKS SAKE NO!!
No one does. At all... and he's got all these 'opinions' that he feels that i should know about and so tells me about them but ,like i said before, he doesn't just tell you me. He TELLS ME!! and he beats me down with the same point over and over and over until I'm not sure of what he's talking about anymore or if he's even talking to me. I mean really he cant be talking to me right?
And the one thing he loves is shoving religion down my throat. Being in the same room as him is nauseating... but... he's a nice guy. Good to others and ETC... You nkow the drill
Also he's twice my size... How do you tell someone twice your size to fuck off and maybe die if he has time.
His girl friend is an odd one too. She's his polar opposite although he fills your ear with no actual information. She just says nothing she's just there, looking like damaged goods. That's also something amazing about her. She's not hot but she's pretty and somehow her eyes and her silence and all her little movements and strained smile makes you instantly think 'damaged goods' I wish i had a picture of the both of them.... so i could show it to you and burn it. Really you'd think he beat her or something. He probably does. WITH HIS STUPID WORDS. The thought of trying to talk to her crossed my mind but I've been accused of flirting without realizing it. Would that be a bad thing though? Its like I like him right? And even though she's not hot she's still pretty right?
I'm being full of shit. I already have a girl of my dreams.
I girl i talk to everyday but unfortunately is only my friend..,
But thats a talk for another day.
I should be working but I'm not i should be studying but I'm not. I'm not doing anything. I'm never doing anything ,it seems. OR at least that's what i hear from everyone. Maybe i should work, but even though i love programming. It has a knack of getting boring and tedious at times. But I'd rather program than be in a room with my school buddy! LOL
 8:36 AM Nov 22
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