May 14
The loniest Day of my life.
19 January 2009
The lonliest Day of my life.
I can’t really explain my mind space right now. I wish I could but I dunno. It’s like I’m stuck. Where am I? I don’t know. I sure as fuck wish I did. There’s the real issue then there are my fucking complexes exasperating each issue leaving me spinning out of control and somehow someone put a ledge right nest to me.
Maybe I’ve already fallen. Maybe I’m already dead and right now, I’m some kind of zombie waiting for the hero to bring a cure.
A hero? Really, dude? I can’t wait for anyone.
I hate relying on others they always fuck me up. Something always comes up.
Of course, it does its life. Life happens all the time. It’s life that put you here and put them in from of you. It only makes sense that life moves then away.
What the fuck am I talking abut now? It funny how little you think about your mortality until someone dies. I’m not talking about your great granddad you never saw because he lived on the other side of the country and the only time you travelled that far was when your mother had a huge nostalgic urge and you happened to be near the area. If you have no idea what I’m talking about good!
I digress what I am talking about is someone your age or younger than you dying.
One of my best friends from my younger years died. His name was Mabhuti, a year younger than me but twice as mature. As it turned out after I moved he joined a ganger with his older brother Xolani and he was caught alone. He didn’t stand a chance. I had no idea until December by then he was long dead. I didn’t even get to see the funeral. I probably wouldn’t have been able to go since I live so far away now. But still right?
No kind words to honour him… It’s funny how I found out. While I was in my initiation ceremony waiting to see civilisation and become a man I mentioned visiting him and ‘the old crew’ when my cuz say oh yeah he’s dead. Died in January last year.
Oh, okay….
That was all I said for a while. I was so calm, so nonchalant. A fucking hard ass right? This is Kyalisha. People die, you get used to it. Later on I asked about it but it was just one of those ‘oh by the way’ type questions.
The full extent of what happened hit when I saw his brother. My god. I thought I’d die. Okay first you have to understand the type of group we were. We were jack asses morons who worked hard to have fun. Know what I mean? We’d travel twenty block or streets just to find a soccer match. And I’m not talking a proper soccer match that took a level of luck, It was lucky if someone had a soccer ball. I’m talk street soccer with two bricks, one sidewalk and a fucking tennis ball. On some occasions we had to improvise. We kept tape and wrap it into itself to make a ball. That shit was surprisingly hard. Trust me you don’t know stinging until someone hit you on the back with one of those. Anyway. I was rich kid because my parents lived into the urban areas and they all lived in the township fulltime. Xolani was the group leader, Mabhuti was the doer you know the strong silent type, my cuz was the trickster if it could get us into shit he would tell us to do it, then there was Jongi the village idiot plus five others. We were tighter than a size 6 G string on a size ten woman.
8 years of being close I left. My mothers work sent us away and the group split up. The same thing happened to my school friends. They all split up.
Now their all into their own deep shit. Most have left the town ships because their getting real dangerous of late especially for teenagers. American gangster life has taken over full time. I can’t even roam the streets I used to love alone anymore without getting mugged.
Everything’s changed, without me.
I can’t relate to anyone anymore. I’m not apart of anything anymore. When my mother told us to pack up and go to our new future I was reluctant. Making new friends was difficult. It always is for a guy like me. God it was hard. I never accepted my new home. I always thought we’d go back. In fact my mother promised we’d go back. My parent nearly split up over the issue of going back. We looked at houses. We talked about getting two houses. We talked we speculated. I was excited I FUCKING BELIEVED THEM!!
Then? Then? Then…. 8 fucking years passed with us giving two week visits once overly two years. I never had enough time to visit every if ever anyone. The visits were a joke an insult of my intelligence. No not an insult. I went didn’t I? I still tried didn’t I? Just like a fucking moron I tried. I lost so many of my friends that I dare not try to count them. It’ll only hurt.
Its funny I’d forgotten about how angry I used to be. I can’t go back can I? It doesn’t matter what I do I can’t go back. What should I do? Get over it. Move on. Stop being a dumbass.
Its not so easy to just go when everything that keeps you there is still holding you down, crushing you and stomping on your feet as you dangle over the cliff of despair which fell into the cliff of Apathy and self pity.
My mother’s brother died right after new years day. You’d think that would give us something in common but it doesn’t in fact things between us are worse then ever. I can’t stay in the same room as her. It sounds stupid even in my own ears but I do it. the only thing we agree upon is that I’ve got to go. That was the plan. I had the perfect plan I was even bragging on it. The perfect plan. I’d nail my programming and go into my own work. Get an intern ship or a full time job if that magically worked. IT is an over crowded field but I was always confident because I was going to start my own shit but now that plan is shattered. I failed one subject. Out of ten I failed. My head drops every time I think about it. It was a group presentation. That collapsed when it turned out the group leader was an idiot. I eventually took over but it was too late in the game, also it turned out I was the only person capable of programming in my group IN A FUCKING PROGRAMMING COURSE! Everyday I worked my ass off. I tried so fucking hard. I tried only to come up short. One course shatters my plan. Now what the fuck do I do?
I honestly don’t know. My mother is kicking me out soon. I need to get a job. I’ll never be a waiter again that’s for sure and the worst part is I’ll never get a programming job. I can forget that. I don’t want a normal job. Not after all this shit. This was supposes to be the best year ever. Now look at me.
I need to wake up. I need to do something. I need to get clear I need to get out. I’m tired of being told how much of a nuisance I am when ‘m the only person who cleans and does any work in the house. I’m tired of being reminded exactly how sick I make my dad. It’s his favourite line. You make me so sick. He loves it. My mother only occasionally uses it.
Want to hear something I’ve never told even my older sister? I’ve never been effected by those words until my dad actually got sick. Nothing heavy just old people stuff. Nothing like Parkinson’s or olteimers but still when ever he went down I’d feel a twinge of guilt as if I’d done it to him. Even to this day I still get that twinge. I know that anything that happens to him isn’t my fault but its still there. Am I crazy? Think about it spiritually or scientific. Scientifically Stress is a killer. And spiritually you have to watch your words because you never know…
What funny about my parents is that my younger brother 15 and my older sister 26 have all gone through impressive rebellious phases, my brother’s is still ongoing but not me. When I get hit when I get scolded told off, lied to, whatever I don’t fight I don’t argue. I just swallow it and keep on smiling. I think that’s what upsets them. My lack of a rebellious phase. Like the fact that at 21 I drink they think that rebelling I’m 21 for fucks sake no longer a teen.
Another thing… Something a clever woman noted. Judy wondered why I was so angry because of my attempts at being morose on my signature section on this role play website I’m on, it’s called RPA fucking awesome site. It was the second time some one had called me angry as a person in one month. I’m beginning to wonder…
But seriously that’s not me I’m not angry I’m the crazy guy who changes everyone’s reality and brings out a smile. I’m supposed to be living up to my name sake. I’m not though. I’m not the bitter old man! Not at 21 for fuck's sakes!
However, I am angry I’m tired of all the shit. Why is the world so fucked up? Why is life so short?
Is my life going to be cut short too?
WILL I BE ABLE TO GRINN AT THE END AND SAY, I DID MY BEST?
Well I’m staring down the barrel of 2009 with no plan outside these three words, GET something published.
Oh well tomorrows another day
I just hope I can seize it.
Now fuck off! Err… I mean bye!
Aug 29
Love/hate and the me that lives in between
Ever listened to Loney day by System of A down?
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived
Story of my life. When I walk to school this is the song the plays. Even when I walk back this is still the song that plays in my head. I can't get rid of it but at the same time. I'm not sure I want to get rid of it. It reflects my emptiness so much. It plays every time I'm alone and I think I like it. But if I like it then does that mean I like being alone? I do enjoy my down time no doubt about it but does that make me a recluse? A figure who shuns the outside world favoring the confines of my own mind? It would ,unfortunately, explain a lot. In case your wondering I'm what people call an self defeatist.
But we all do it right?
That what people say but do you know anyone actually like that? How do you tell if you are? Because most people will yell at then selves but aren't willing to be yelled at.
I chatted with the girl of my dreams again today. We always chat and I mean ALWAYS. At first I wasn't sure if i liked her but the more we talk the more ?I like her and the more she really becomes the girl of my dreams. But we're friends. Do i have to instantly like every girl who has something in common with me?
What? That doesn't sound like a bad thing right? It isn't. Its just... I'm a black guy who likes rock, who loves the color black, who sang along to the linkin park part in the LP and JZ mega mash up. I'm a black who writes sci fi, who doesn't dress ghetto in terms of chains and super baggy jeans and New york caps when i live in Pretoria!!!! Because I'm not like that I'm an outcast.
You honestly have no idea, I'm a coconut, an oreo, a 'dude'. I normally just wash past it. No I always wash past it. But it accumulates but it doesn't explode. this isn't doctor Phil. I can control myself. It simmers and it is reflected in that fucking song. Then curiously enough I meet someone who likes not only nikkelback but System of the down and Rage against the machine and Marylin Manson. Someone who knows a little about what quantum physics discusses. Actually enjoys programming as much as I do. And is pretty.*Trust me I left the best for last there's shes gorgeous.*
But she's not perfect she's a bit of a sociopath. ie she adapts herself to match others. Technically we all do it but she does it frighteningly well and is super popular because of it. walking with her is worse than walking with a celebrity. She took being an outcast in a different way to me. I became a recluse she became everyone's friend.
My issue though. Do I like her because I like her. Or is it because she's the first person to actually understand what its like being an outcast? I wanted to ask her out today but that question hit me in mid sentence and I shut down.
Am I being silly? Am I going to blow it? Should I ask her out? Am I over thinking things?
This is the curse of a man who lives too deep inside his own head. You never know if your still in your head and not in your ass...
Aug 13
I hate school so Fcuking much
Hi.... whatever. I SQJ aka Junior. My names not really junior but people have called me junior for so long even i think of my self as junior now.
I'm listening to this song and zonng out.
Can’t get no job, can you spare a dime?
Just one more hit, and I’ll be fine
I swear to God, this’ll be my one last time!
When it gets dark, in Pigeon Park
Voice in my head, will soon be fed
By the vultures, that circle 'round the dead!
In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves… on the ground
Run away before you drown, or the streets will beat you down
Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves… on the ground
I never once thought, I’d ever be caught!
Staring at sidewalks, hiding my track marks!
I left my best friends, or did they just leave me?
Ever felt like your friends have left you? Thats what i feel. The only friend I seem to have right now is my school buddy. Someone I don't fucking like! Seriously I don't like him. He's the human version of Mojo Jojo.
He says the same thing over and over and over and over and he punctuates his annoying language with; 'Do you know what I'm saying?' 'Do you see what i mean'
NO FOR FUCKS SAKE NO!!
No one does. At all... and he's got all these 'opinions' that he feels that i should know about and so tells me about them but ,like i said before, he doesn't just tell you me. He TELLS ME!! and he beats me down with the same point over and over and over until I'm not sure of what he's talking about anymore or if he's even talking to me. I mean really he cant be talking to me right?
And the one thing he loves is shoving religion down my throat. Being in the same room as him is nauseating... but... he's a nice guy. Good to others and ETC... You nkow the drill
Also he's twice my size... How do you tell someone twice your size to fuck off and maybe die if he has time.
His girl friend is an odd one too. She's his polar opposite although he fills your ear with no actual information. She just says nothing she's just there, looking like damaged goods. That's also something amazing about her. She's not hot but she's pretty and somehow her eyes and her silence and all her little movements and strained smile makes you instantly think 'damaged goods' I wish i had a picture of the both of them.... so i could show it to you and burn it. Really you'd think he beat her or something. He probably does. WITH HIS STUPID WORDS. The thought of trying to talk to her crossed my mind but I've been accused of flirting without realizing it. Would that be a bad thing though? Its like I like him right? And even though she's not hot she's still pretty right?
I'm being full of shit. I already have a girl of my dreams.
I girl i talk to everyday but unfortunately is only my friend..,
But thats a talk for another day.
I should be working but I'm not i should be studying but I'm not. I'm not doing anything. I'm never doing anything ,it seems. OR at least that's what i hear from everyone. Maybe i should work, but even though i love programming. It has a knack of getting boring and tedious at times. But I'd rather program than be in a room with my school buddy! LOL
 12:26 AM Jul 4
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