Mentor - The Redundant Asylum of Redundancy (and Diction!)

[SQJPure]

Yay I cant' believe you did it! And I can't believe it's not a super short RP. This prolly the most feedback I've gotten in one go without me asking a dozen questions to get it. I guess it's time for my reply. @__@

Lets start with Soul Calibur! I can't help but think of the announcer voice in the game whenever I write that.

I totally hear that SC3 voice all the time. You're not alone!

Spoiler: Soul Calibur 

Alright! Well, to start, I'd like to warn you that I'm gonna be doing some of the things you hate, such as quoting your text. It's honestly the best system for me to point out what can improve by just showing you as clearly as possible. I'm not trying to embarrass you!

LOL you are way too kind!

So, I've noticed you have a good sense of action. As in, you're good at describing fights, quick motions and fast paced events. That's pretty awesome, since I have a HUGE problem with this in my own writing and I consider it a definite skill. Certain things, such as when Tira beats the shit out of that poor soldier, are well written. Keep using that talent and practicing it!

Wow that was special! Thank you. When I consider how many battle scenes I flesh out in each of my books you can bet that I try and make the best experience possible out of them so for you to say that means allot. And leaves me chuffed to write more! *Is Chuffed excited in American? I'm not sure but I think it's a SA term X_X*

I just hope I get the same reaction for my more emotional scenes, assuming you don't ban me from your help thread by then.

There are also little details I enjoy, such as calling this character Tina the entire time, until she makes herself known as TIRA. I thought it was timed well, because that's when she decided to bring out her little hula hoop of death - and any Soul Calibur fan knows Tira for her weapon. That's a great dramatic element, and I enjoyed it!

I am literally thrilled ot hear you say that! It's a thing I've used more than once in my books *never the same book of course* and to see that you noticed it and LIKED it was totaly epic.

For example "Ma'am" has an apostrophe in the middle of it.

Really? I honestly had no idea. I just thought it was maam. My spell checker has never fought it before so I assumed that was how it was spelled. I've never really mastered the uses of the apostrophe. X_X

First off, I'm not necessarily sure that "crash" would be the appropriate sound here. I haven't actually slammed someones head into the floor before, so I'm not SURE, but I figure it'd make more of a disturbing "crunch" sound.

And look at that, you mentioned bones cracking in the very next line! So there really is no point in putting those sound effects in there in the first place. The reader KNOWS that the bones are breaking and icky things are going on with the poor person's head. You don't have to put that sound effect in there because you describe it sufficiently enough already!

Yeah, the sound effects area total part of my writing. I guess it's because I want to ,I wont say shock but, pull the readers attention to the action at hand. I kinda like jar them, but I guess you're right. I explain exactly what's happening in that scene before I play the sound so it is pretty redundant. Definitely keeping note of that one.

Yeah as for the sound itself, it's a metal ship, where half the floor has been letal away in the explosion of soul power so I guess it would be a mix between a crash, crack and a plong. Crunch suggests she was pressing down on her head like a bug.

Gaah exclamation points and caps lock! I'm being yelled at Sorry!

Keep track of your sentence structure. Sometimes you need to add commas, periods, or connecting words, and others you can attach two sentences together to make it less stodgy. For example:

ah, on this point I am spectacularly bad. You honestly have no idea. I mean I really do try I promise but I dunno. I seem to make the same mistakes on the books I'm writing at this very moment as well.

The best way to take care of these problems, both sentence structure and redundancy, is to READ IT OUT LOUD. Or if that doesn't work, have someone read it to you. Or read it to a friend and have them help you correct it. You can usually tell if something doesn't sound right if you hear it instead of just read it.

Yeah doesn't really work for me but I am thinking of buying a tape recorder or using my PC mic to read and then play it back to myself. If only I wasn't ashamed of the sound of my own voice. As for the reading to a friend thing.....well that would be great so great that if I ever met someone I actually wanted to do that with I'd drop down on one knee and marry them on the spot.
But yeah I'll definitely try the voice recorder thing should work as a double effect.

Finally, I'd like to mention that yes, you are quite good at describing fight scenes, however don't let that be the only thing you write. Sometimes it's difficult to follow what exactly is going on in your story because it's just paragraphs of battle without much action otherwise. I know that Tira is generally a spitfire type of girl who would probably go on a death tirade in a strange environment, but characters are introduced and battles happen so quickly that I've found myself lost several times throughout. Fighting needs to be led up to that point. There has to be character development, plot, and even basic description of surroundings (but not too much!) in-between the constant battles.

Your story is unique and has good potential. I think you should definitely rewrite it keeping my advice in mind, and then send it over again so I can help you further. Hope this has helped!

Yeah, I guess it's my bad. I took as extract from like the tenth page not the first before that was the first fight scene. That's not how it starts. It's just the first fight. I wanted to show it to you to see what you'd think. but then again I guess it is a bit long. It's like 2 pages of writing for a single fight. That's my bad. There's so much to do, so much involved in a fight that reading this fight scene prolly took longer than an actual fight. I'll definitely bear what you say in mind. The book actually starts really tranquil. Air carrier coming home, some thing in the water, something attacking the ship shut down reactor as if there'd never been one. Air Carrier takes it as an attack and it's actually a Soul Calibur attack which turned Cervates and Tira....then there's fighting....that's how it starts but yeah again. I heard you.

but characters are introduced and battles happen so quickly that I've found myself lost several times throughout.

LOL you worry about being mean but in truth you're a sweet heart! I'd say the only part of this whole critique that made me suicidally side was this one line....I work hard to make my shit clear but I start to feel like it never is. X__X
But I'll definitely work on it. My primary goal is to pull people in and keep them hooked. Can't do that if they're lost. And as for me sending my writing back to you.....be careful what you wish for! My number one goal in life is to have people read my shit! Offering may be one huge mistake.

[AngelicAsylum]

Glad I can help Pure! I'll be working on your other stuff soon!

Also, can everyone please check my disclaimer on the first post of this thread before requesting a critique? Thank you!

[stevezilla]

I've got a question: So there's a role-play that's different from the rest, unique among the rest of the site, but it's pretty much getting no attention at all, and everything I can think of has been tried, do you know anything that could help? (This RP's dead, but an answer would be good)

[Lúthien]

MY BABY 2150AD

Spoiler: 2150 AD 

Content removed

Pure, it is STRONGLY recommended that you add a warning to this story. RPA does have young audiences here, which need to be taken into consideration. Should you have trouble rating this story, please reread the Mature RP's Rules and apply the appropriate warning and reason. Thank you.

[AngelicAsylum]

@Pure: Yea, I could have sworn I told you to put a warning on it before.

@Stevezilla:

Well, there's a lot of things you can do! Firstly, you can make a blog about it. You can also ask some of your RPA friends to participate. Or you could even ask your non-RPA friends to sign up and join. We're always looking for new members. =P

You can also request a signature set that advertises the RP, that way as you post around the forum everyone will see it. Include a link to it in your sig so that people can find it easily.

Or, if none of that works, you can close down the RP and really take a look at it. What may have killed it off? Is there anything you can change or improve? Do some revisions, take some time and revamp it. That way you can get some fresher advertising and possibly a new audience.

Also, don't forget about Roleplay of the Week. It's for RPs that have just started and for RPs that desperately need members. Hope that helps!

[Auki]

Pure, it is STRONGLY recommended that you add a warning to this story. RPA does have young audiences here, which need to be taken into consideration. Should you have trouble rating this story, please reread the Mature RP's Rules and apply the appropriate warning and reason. Thank you.

-cough-

Sorry to jump in but it's actually completely against the rules to post anything in a roleplay that might imply an underage person having sex or non-consentual sexual situations. Putting both together makes a double no-no... even with a rating. I don't know whether this applies to non-roleplay related writing but perhaps it would be best for Pure to check...

I don't know if it's up in the Creative Section or not but y'know..

[Lúthien]

The character is underage!? Ugh. Heavens, my apologies, I didn't even know. If that is the case, then that's strictly against the rules of the forum. With or without warning, even if it's a story or a roleplay.

The content I quoted has been officially removed. Pure, if you wish to post something that holds similarities, it's best to contact the Staff about it.

[SQJPure]

To change the subject without killing the entire thread.

Can you look at these two paragraphs and tell me if I've made any improvements at all? With a focus on the paragraphing and a focus on the flow of the story.

If you can you can tell me about anything else you notes. PS this is the opening paragraph of my book, Jin's war so it'll be awesome to know if it held your attention at all

Please and thank you!

Okay this is the first paragraph. the first draft....okay that's not entirely true. I've gone of Jin's War again and again but somehow I don't feel it's ready it doesn't have the perfect flow. X__X

Anyway here's it is.

Spoiler: One 

Page woke up to the sound of her alarm clock. She cringed at the sound of the damn thing as each buzz pounded on her mind. Trying to avoid pounding of the clock failed and , giving up , she stretched while still inside her blankets. Page was still tired, she wanted nothing more than to stay in bed but it was already late. She knew she had to get ready quickly or she’d miss the bus to school . She stretched once more , reaching a single arm out at her pedestal where her alarm lay. Her palm hit the large button on top of the baby blue alarm system and the buzzing was replaced by the steady and rhythmic thumping of her favorite music . Slowly she started to poke her head out of her blanket, sitting up, she slowly pulled her thick blonde hair off of her face.

This is paragraph 2
I took yours and Auki's and Tessa's advice on common mistakes I make in my words.
I tried to use much less commas.
I tried to work on my paragraphing.
I tried to work on that listing thing you mentioned
I tried to work on sentence structure.....

Spoiler: Second shot. 

Page woke up to the sound of her alarm clock. Her body instinctively cringed at the sound of the damn thing with each buzz hammering on her mind. Trying to avoid pounding of the clock failed and, giving up, stretched between the sheets. She was tired and wanted nothing more than to stay in bed but it was already late. The last bus to school before the late ones was already too much of a march without getting ready at the speed of light.

She stretched once more, reaching a single arm out at her pedestal where her alarm lay. Her palm tapped the large button on top of the baby blue alarm system and the buzzing was replaced by the steady rhythmic thumping of her favourite music. Slowly her head poked out of her sheet, sitting up, and pulled her blonde hair off of her face. A fight on its own as it bunched on her forehead then rolled back down.

Hopefully the second one looks better right? O_O?
And does better = good in this example.....

[Lady of Silk]

Forgive me for butting in, but angelic gave me the ok

I find that as a reader, not as a critic, I don't really care for the play by play of her getting out of bed. I don't learn anything about her; I don't really get any useful information. Its all fluff. Seems to me you could just as easily turn that entire two paragraph sequence into three sentences.

But that's just me! I'll shut up now :-x

[AngelicAsylum]

I think LoS definitely has a point. The writing style itself has cleared up a lot of the redundancy (though there is just a few bits still present) and it flows a bit smoother, but my main concern here is using two paragraphs to just explain that she got out of bed. I suggest keeping track of what's useful and not so useful information. You want to set the stage, yes, but you don't wanna spend too much time on tiny details.

Other than that, I DO see some improvement. Keep practicing!