Vixen Gethsemane; Art and Poetry
This is just a compiling of most of the good "poems" I've written through the last two years or so. All of my favorites at least. And mind you, I use the word "poetry" loosely. I'm not a master poet, and please don't expect me to follow a format.
I write poetry when I'm depressed, so most of this is really dark, gory even, and more than a little sad. And it's all true.
Spoiler: Shadow/Suicide"Shadow/Suicide"
by Zema (my initials are A.O., so if you see them, don't be confused), 4/6/09
I pace and breathe,
Pace and breathe
I want to scream,
I want to yell,
but I can't
It won't get me anywhere anyways
I pace and think,
sit and think
I daydream of tying a noose around my neck,
in the confinds of my closet
where no one can see,
and stepping off of a box to hang myself,
My neck breaks as my feet thump against the wall
Thump!
Thump...
Like the fading beat of my heart
They say life ain't fair,
don't let me go there
I'm just looking for where
I can point this thing and
blast away, blast away, blast away
A troubled mind like mine doesn't know
how else to vent,
and if I don't will this pen faster,
my head will crash against cement
She thinks she knows me,
She thinks she knows me so damn well,
She thinks she's got me all figured out
Well, the truth is she doesn't
She doesn't know a damn thing about me
She doesn't know what goes through my head
She doesn't care if I've bad a bad day
No, I think not, she'll never wake up to see
What will become of me
Where will her actions lead her then?
She treats me like her slave
She treats me like I'm nothing
One minute she'll be all smiles,
whispering "I love you" in my eat
The next she'll be yelling,
telling me that I'm lazy and fat
telling me I'll never get a licence,
telling me I'll have no future
Sad thing is she'll deny it if you ask
She says that I only care about myself,
when she's the one that needs to look in the mirror
I'm done with her yelling,
done with her accusing,
done with her ordering me around
But I don't have a voice here
I'm afraid to show my emotions
So on goes the mask
and here comes the bottle,
sucking up foul thoughts while my mind
screams profanity,
tells it like it is,
all the truths I see in rage
Down comes the cap
Now let's throw the bottle into the dark
and act like nothing happened
She'll come in here demanding
something of my service after all the Shiz she just said
No, she doesn't care if I'm upset,
doesn't care if I'm angry,
doesn't care that I yearn for the grace
I wanna run, but what's the point?
She'll drag me back,
and then it'll be ten times as worse
Go ahead and say it
Say it loud, say it proud!
Tell me how lazy you think I am
when I do EVERYTHING you tell me to
Tell me how you think all I care about is myself
when I try to console you when you're upset
when I try to help those around me as best I can
so they don't end up like me
tell me how much like my mom you think I act
when I don't know how to let my emotions show
Go on, say it!
Tell me!
Tell me how stupid you think I am
when I got into a Magnet Art school
without even trying
Say how teenagers think they know everything
knowing that I'm not a normal teen
Say it because you DON'T know the truth
Tell people how fucked up in the head you think I am.
when you haven't even touched the surface
Tell me I don't know anything about pain,
after you've lived MY life,
when you've seen tragedy through
the eyes of a wounded child where love and pain
are one in the same!
Say it, you know you have already!
Repeat yourself like a broken record,
the way you always do
Think about all of your verbel abuse,
and deny it like you always have,
knowing--thinking--I'll still be a pawn under your thumb
What are you going to do when this pawn
falls to the floor where you can't reach--
where it can be free?
I bet you'll take back every word
you've ever said
when you find me dead one morning
with a note that reads,
"Now I won't be a burden,"
I dare her to cry when she was
the one who did it
I challenge her to take her pain
out on her husband
the way she takes it out on me,
and doesn't care and/or actknowledge
she's doing it!
You won't control me the way your savage mother did you
You can't have my life,
You can't take my will,
You can't control my HEART
This life is mine to live,
so don't say you don't have time
for me to talk
when I'm on the phone with my own mother
Don't pretend you know me when you
don't know the first thing about me
You wonder why I say I miss my Nana
when you're standing right there
You don't see what I see
I see a hallowed shell--
You're nothing more than a
powerhungry, control freak shadow
The Nana I knew and loved died long ago
Two years before your father died
I think of joining them all the time
If this is life, I'll say good-bye
Living like this isn't worth it
And one of these days, I'm going to lose it
I won't be a selfless girl then
but I'll be free from this abuse
and I'll be free from you
Spoiler: The Price of Being Cursed
I wrote this on 7/18/08 for a certain someone--I'm not even going to announce it, you should all be able to guess who it is-- due to an episode that took place. It's a bit depressing, but it does carry with it a bit of truth, and it happens to be a little personal. Feel free to leave feedback, comments, and constructive critisim. Thanks~
"The Price Of Being Cursed"
By (me)
There is nothing I want more
than to be with you and only you
I had hoped you felt it, too
All I wanted was to help you,
to be the one to love you more
But I should have listened to my heart
This was over from the start
You showed me how to smile again,
a truth of recomspence
Your arms were my castle,
your heart was my sky
It doesn't matter how much I cry
I knew I should have paid attention,
I knew I shouldn't have let myself go
I thought I could be your one and only
My angel, my love, the salvation I held so dear...
You made the mistake of telling me you loved me
Now it is I who pays the price to be
Victims of love
Prisoners of hate
By the time you pick yourself up,
its far too late
Its like her all over again
History has a tendency to repeat itself
This is a curse I'd had to live with
I always lose the ones who love me most
The curse is the lie
living for me so I can hide
Don't cry
Victims of love
Prisoners of hate
By the time you pick yourself up,
its far too late
Don't try to fix me,
I'm not broken
If I smile and don't believe,
soon I know I'll wake up from this dream
No I'm not mad at you,
I'm mad because I'm not good enough
I was so craven of losing you,
now I don't know what to do
This always happens
Changing like the time of fassions
Has anyone told you I'm not breathing?
I'm the thread continuously broken
Victims of love
Prisoners of hate
By the time you pick yourself up,
its far too late
I really should stop letting myself get hurt
But when you play with fire,
there's always a risk of being burnt
At least I didn't have to see it,
at least I knew it meant nothing to you
How am I always the one
to be torn in two?
Yes, I knew that I would get hurt
That's what I get for leaving myself open
Don't try to fix me,
I'm not broken!
This curse is the lie
living for me so I can hide
Don't cry
Victims of love
Prisoners of hate
By the time I picked myself up,
it was far too late
Falling in love is like being
caught up in a web where your
heart is the prey,
Do you really want to throw your heart away?
This is the price of being cursed,
This is the curse of the price
I knew I was going to lose you,
And I still don't know what to do
I should have listened to my heart,
this was over from the start
Victims of love,
Prisoners of hate,
When I picked myself up,
it was far too late
This is an icon of self-indulgence
Angel fallen, angel light,
I wish you were here with me tonight
Spoiler: Missing You"Missing You"
by Zema
Why is it such a sin,
to love as I love you?
I'd go a million miles, it's true
And I don't care what you do,
for I will always love you
You're the one who made my dreams come true
Why can't you see my hand?
I'm reaching out for you
Won't you pull me through?
Oh, I miss you
I miss your smile
Oh, and I still shed a tear
every once in a while
I need you,
I need your touch
Oh, and when I don't see you
I'm always torn in two
Ohh, I miss you
Parents are always such a bother
I don't see why they're always in our way
I wish they'd just go far away
How long must I wait
to be with you again?
I wanna tell you how much
I love you, in the best way
that I can
I told you I don't want
anyone other than you
And I'll wait eternity if I have to
Why is there always something
getting in our way?
I'm reaching for you but my arm's
starting to sway
Oh, I miss you
I miss your smile
Oh, and I still shed a tear
every once in a while
I need you,
I need your touch
Oh, and when I don't see you
I'm always torn in two
Ohh, I miss you
There's no substitute for the bells
that make your voice,
No recording can say 'I love you best'
when I say 'I love you more'
I'll never rest
'til I hold you in my arms again
Missing you is one thing I'll always do
Every minute, every hour, yes it's true
I miss you
I miss you when the sun comes up
I miss the way you held me
every morning,
and I can't recreate those moments
I miss the way you smiled at me,
you always were so sweet
I miss the way you laughed,
when ever I tried to make a joke
I miss you when the sun goes down
I try to imagine holding you, holding me
whispering in the dark words of love
I miss all of the sounds you made,
the way you sang over the phone
I miss being able to say 'I love you',
I miss hearing you say 'I love you, too'
I miss the way we kiss
How long must I wait?
If I think of not being able to see you again,
there's no way to stop the tears within
Oh, I miss you
I miss your smile
Oh, and I still shed a tear
every once in a while
I need you,
I need your touch
Oh, and when I don't see you
I'm always torn in two
Ohh, I miss you
I miss you more than you know
Understand I can't let go
I want you
I want you hear with me
Oh, and whisper softly,
tell me that you need me
I'm reaching out for you...
Won't you pull me through?
Spoiler: One True LoveI wrote this yesterday [4/3/09] at 8:48PM. Read it and maybe you will understand. Perhaps this is the final chapter of my suffering, perhaps it isn't. We'll see.
"One True Love"
Humans are like shells;
there's only one that will fit--
there are only two pieces that match
But for me, that isn't true
I only have one true love,
and it starts with the letter "D"
All my life I've been searching
Hoping that one day I would find it
It's such an elusive thing,
and to me this isn't a game
Only you have come close
but you weren't in it to tame
And thus all other loves fade away
only my true love will stay,
Wrapping me in velvet darkness
I've tried to get away from her,
I've tried hiding in the corner
But there's no hiding from her--she's everywhere
I wanted you to save me
Save me from her
But you can't save me if
you can't save yourself
Her touch is inviting--it tempts me so
And yet, I don't want to let go
I don't want to let my Angel go,
but my true love is calling
She stands at the edge of the
great abyss, calling my name
To deny her is to deny myself
My fingers are slipping through yours...
Hold tight my Angel, don't let go!
Once she's got her hands on me
I'm done for
She's trying to tear us apart
But I can't leave you
You're where I belong
Love, she's cruel
Introduced me to you
And in that moment I knew
I was out of hope
You were the one to cut me,
so I'll bleed forever
Her call is getting stronger
I feel the tendrils finding me
Promise me you won't let go!
All I want is to sleep
and never wake up
Then this wouldn't be so hard
Her cold kiss will be my herald,
then I'll sink to where no angel can go
A world without you is a place
I don't want to know
But she's calling me and I can't look away
Don't let go, don't let go
I only have one true love,
and it starts with the letter 'D'
She's always there with an arm around me
whenever the lights go out
And she whispers sweet nothings in my ear
But she's only second to you
My blood drips from your hands
and it wasn't your fault
This is what I get for taking the fall,
She is upon me in an instant
Then I can only see black,
now I can't feel your hand
She holds me tight
I can feel her hands all over me
I know this is it
I cannot fight her, I know I can't win
her lips draw close to mine;
I brace myself for the end of it all
How will I solve tomorrow without you here?
Who's heart will guide me
when all the answers disappear?
Is it too late?
Am I too far gone to stay?
What will I do?
You know I'm only half without you
How will I make it through?
I don't want to leave you
My heart is telling me to fight
but my head is saying don't take flight
I feel her cold breath upon my cheek...
Yes, I only have one true love
Her name starts with the letter "D"
and she has come to take me
Deliver me to a place I don't wanna be
But there's no hiding from her
I can't escape the kiss of Death
Spoiler: The Core of Our Memories“The Core of Our Memories”
By Ashlynn O. on 2/2/09
It is a place that I
Both love and hate
The reason I detest it
Is the same reason why I adore it
I dread going in there,
But a part of me hates to leave
I wish it was as easy as
Not forcing myself to go
I feel like I’m killing myself
Just willing myself just to
Pray for some help
I’d give it all for it to be real
I see her whenever I’m there
She comes to me with a smile
I see her across from me, waiting
My heart aches at the sight
I want her back at my side
My heart is reaching out,
Searching for her call
Is it too late for us?
They always say that
Love will find a way
Somehow, I want it to be true
But how long must I search?
Life hasn’t been the same
Since she walked away
Everyday I sit here waiting
And everyday just seems so long…
I can feel the tears welling
When I imagine her there
All I do is reminisce
That place is the core of our memories
I just hope it’s not too late
She doesn’t know how much I need her
I just hope she sees it
Please, let this time be different!
She’s the one, I know
I promised to wait,
And wait I did
Please let this vision be real
It’s not fair to us,
It’s not fair to him,
I don’t want to lose anyone else
Please, don’t take the girl!
She says she wants to marry him,
And it’s driving me crazy
All I want is for her to be happy
But I won’t give her up so easily
This time, love must find a way
Somehow I have to pull through
I have to make her see
Please, don’t take the girl!
I won’t let go of my memories,
No matter how much it hurts
I have to believe in my heart
Please, don’t let this be a dream!
She smiles and reaches out for me,
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,”
But all I hold is air
I’ve been looking for a girl like her for years
All I can think about is her,
She’s the most lucid of my memories
I won’t let go
Please, don’t take the girl!
She’s the best thing in my life
She’s the reason I carry on
I believe that love will find a way
I just hope it’s not too late
This is a place I both
Love and hate
It is the core of our memories
It is here they are most lucid
And they haunt me everyday
I don’t want to let her go
I can’t let go, go
So please, don’t take the girl
This is a place I both
Love and hate…
. . . Having to skim through these while copypasta-ing them has suddenly made me . . . Crave sleep. There is more, but it will have to wait. This vixen is retiring to her den for the night. Blessed be.
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