Arms race.Originally Posted by Dire Hoef
Arms race.Primaris Spacemarines.. Wat?
Spoiler: Around the Forum
@Imperial1917: Death's all yours!I once tried reading another game thread with 14 characters in it, but it was a bit like trying to follow a herd of cats.Did anyone expect America to win?
Though, at least you haven't downgraded in performance.Japanese is the only one I disagree with. It's like Chinese Lite.
Courtesy of ibitou
Space marine space marines.
*Resurrects thread*
So guys, some of you may remember the rather epic script fic PRIMARCHS written a few years ago by Lastie. It now lives on Fanfiction.net because the original thread was lost. Unfortunately, a quantity of Lastie-sanctioned reviews and fan-fanfiction were also lost with it...until now.
I have been able to secure the original work by me and others (reproduced with permission), and if anyone is interested I can begin posting them here?
(The supplementary material also makes the appearance of a certain character in the third arc make a lot more sense...)
Last edited by Azazeal849; 10-26-2017 at 07:19 PM.
Spoiler: My RP links
PM me for novelised versions of any of my RPs, or ones that I have participated in. Set by the awesome Karma.
Resurrection is necromancy.
Necromancy is magic.
Magic is heresy!
Sounds like an interesting read.
Spoiler: Around the Forum
@Imperial1917: Death's all yours!I once tried reading another game thread with 14 characters in it, but it was a bit like trying to follow a herd of cats.Did anyone expect America to win?
Though, at least you haven't downgraded in performance.Japanese is the only one I disagree with. It's like Chinese Lite.
Courtesy of ibitou
Alrighty. There is one catch: you have to read the first hundred and fifty chapters before any of this becomes relevant (mwahahahaha).
Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds - each chapter's only about a page and it's very easy reading.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix, Ranger Captain of Reia-Hal: "He wouldn’t be referring to the most fabled of all squats would he? The introducer of WD magazine? He of beard renowned? The WHITE DWARF?"Alpharius: “We need a powerful Squat. A 'main character' Squat. One who bends the laws of narrative around him and writes his own stories ... like us”
Farseer Kyli Tau’ré of Reia-Hal: "It’s possible..."
Fenix: "Well what do you think?"
Kyli: "I think attempting to predict a plot, and a P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S plot at that, is asking for trouble."
Fenix: "You’re a freaking Farseer!"
Kyli: Shrugs her shoulders "And as such there are limits to what I can do. If you’d been reading that last chapter properly, you would have seen that certain characters, like Primarchs, have unlimited powers due to intentional author vagueness. Possessing as we do a definitive Codex statline, we Farseers do not."
Fenix: "But they can’t have UNLIMITED powers? What would happen when two Primarchs fought each other? What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?"
Kyli: "Almost certain awesomeness."
Fenix: After a reflective pause "Okay then, what about my White Dwarf theory?"
Kyli: "I think you should stop trying to screw with the plot."
Fenix: "That coming from a FARSEER? Anyway, I was right about the Tome of Tropes wasn’t I? It would have been much easier if they’d just followed the link I posted for them, instead of dicking about in that Necron tomb world. Don’t they know we’ve got a perfectly good copy of the Tome of Tropes in our Black Library? And by that I mean the REAL Black Library, not the Black Library In Name Only..."
Kyli: "How can you call it the 'real' Black Library when the Black Library in Name Only exists in the real world, while we are but fiction?"
Fenix: "Will you stop it? You’re going to create another Plot Hole!"
Deep booming voice: "You dare try to insert your own fanon characters into the Holy Thread of the CHAOS GOD EMPEROR OF FANKIND!?"
Fenix: "Oh crap, it’s the Lastie Inquisition!"
Kyli: "No-one ever expects the Lastie Inquisition..."
Fenix: "Not even you? For the love of the gods you’re a freaking FARS-"
The entire craftworld of Reia-Hal is annihilated in a Critical Narrative Failure by the censors of the Lastie Inquisition. Where the craftworld used to be, a giant mushroom cloud rises up, forming the shape of a huge fist with its middle finger held erect.
POST REJECTED BY ORDER OF THE LASTIE INQUISITION
=L=
FAIL BEGETS RETRIBUTION
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 158
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTWe look down upon the tranquil scene of an Eldar maiden world. It is an hour before dawn and everything is still and quiet. The silence is broken by a distantly-heard scream. It grows slowly louder until Fenix, Ranger Captain of Reia-Hal, falls into camera shot from on high and hits the ground with an undignified thump.
Fenix: "Ow! Sonofa..."
A shimmering webway portal irises open beside him and Farseer Kyli Tau’re steps through in a rather more decorous manner.
Fenix: "Wait, what? What in the name of She Who Thirsts' kinkiest lingerie just happened?"
Kyli: Smoothing her robes "I just hopped us out of the way of that =L= nuke."
Fenix: "Hang on, so you DID expect the Lastie Inquisition?"
Kyli: "As you so eloquently put it, I'm a freaking Farseer."
Fenix: "And you couldn't have told me what you were going to do BEFOREHAND?"
Kyli: "FarseerMatt didn't task us with replying for him in Lastie's thread just for the other posters to listen to you complain, Fenix."
Fenix: "He didn’t task me with nearly having a heart attack either. Why can't he just reply himself?"
Kyli: "Have you been reading this story at all? Who are the Primarchs fighting?"
Fenix: "The Plot Hole."
Kyli: "Right. And what is the only force that can defeat the Plot Hole?"
Fenix: "Fanon."
Kyli: "Exactly. So we're here to do our bit."
Fenix: "To be honest I reckon we'll create more plot holes than we fill in...and since Canon overrules Fanon, what's the point of pretentiously trying to slot ourselves into the official script of P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S?"
Kyli: "We're doing nothing of the sort. We're in a completely separate Narrative Continuity, merely stating our views and opinions on the established work. Why do you think I kept telling you to stop trying to influence the plot?"
Fenix: "I'd hardly call expressing exasperation at them never taking the simplest option 'influencing the plot'..."
Kyli: "Are you going to comment on the latest chapter or not?"
Fenix: "Oh, fine then..."
Fenix: "Then on behalf of FarseerMatt let me express large amounts of nerd rage at this reference to some bastard marine punching out Iyanden's Avatar. Exactly how far are GW going to go to wreck the background? I mean, what they did to the CSM codex was bad enough...although now I think about it, what they did there does make a twisted kind of sense. If we take it as given that Space Marines must be better than everything else, then it follows that the closer something is to Space Marines the more awesome it is, and hence recently-turned renegade Space Marines are more awesome than long-time traitors..."Roboute Guilliman: “My Chapter Master can falcon-punch Avatars into oblivion! If the incarnation of a god cannot stop my sons, then who can?”
Kyli: "Fenix, you’re rambling."
Fenix: "Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, bemoaning the current state of the background material. How come we Eldar can't be portrayed as awesome any more?"
Kyli: "We are awesome."
Fenix: "When the Ultrasmurf master can one-shot the incarnation of our war god?"
Kyli: "You can be awesome without being over-the-top invincible. Understanding this subtlety is one reason why Eldar are better than Space Marines. Does Eldrad get called Mary Sue half as often as Calgar? No."
Fenix: "I suppose..."
Kyli: "Come on, where's your Eldar sense of smug superiority? How can we not be awesome when our basic firearm shoots ninja stars? OUR GUNS SHOOT SHURIKEN AND LIGHTNING! To quote Zero Punctuation, the only way such a gun could be more awesome would be ‘if it had tits and was on fire’. And we could do that as well if we wanted to. Didn't it say in our latest codex that Fire Dragon exarches can generate a psychic corona of fire around themselves? The only reason we don't arm all our female Fire Dragon exarches with shuriken catapults is because the universe itself might implode from the sheer overdose of awesome!
Fenix: Well, when you put it that way...
Kyli: Dropping to one knee and clenching her right fist over her heart "Fear not, your transcendent flameyness; we are here only to discuss Lastie's work..."@ farseer matt: I think your doing great with your own fan fiction but on a serious note: do not hi-jack the thread! I'm not saying you are but just be carefull. otherwise its awsome
Fenix: "Under flimsy justification."
Kyli: Makes a shushing gesture "As I say, to discuss it, not to usurp it. Your moltenness." Glances sideways and elbows Fenix in the ribs "Fenix, bow to the Avatar."
Fenix: "I would if he was a real Avatar."
Kyli: "What are you talking about?"
Fenix: "If he was a real Avatar he would spell Khaine with an H."
Kyli: "For Isha's sake Fenix, TRY to act in character!"
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 159
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsIn a newsroom-makeshift table and background, Khorne, Lord of Skulls, one of the four Dark Gods of Chaos, sits next to one of Lastie’s Loyal fans, Chief L. Rome (or Rome for short). Looking at each other in contempt (and rage... RAGE!!!), a Thrall makes a finger countdown. 3, 2, 1.
Khorne: "Welcome to another exciting episode of PRIMARCHS! where your opinion matters. After I crush your skull and drink your blood!"
Rome: "Calm down dude! our first news of the day are..." Khorne looks at Rome in contempt... "Khorne, go ahead."
Khorne: "Our heroes have gone back in time by unknown means and mostly related to killing a lot of cute little fluffy- MEOOOWWWWWW!!! animals. All done for ME! ALL YOUR BLOOD BELONGS TO ME!"
Rome looking at Khorne: "There are Countless Billions of children looking at this, please calm down! asides Death, Despair in the Grim and Dark future, there's some light to all of this darkness. I give you my favoured moment #39, brought you by..." Looks and points to Khorne.
Khorne: "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! KILL MAIM BURN!!!!" And behing the flimsy wall comes a Khornate machination: A dreadful and deadly Brass Scorpion and starts shooting all over the place, causing destruction.
Favoured quotes of the episode
Slaneesh's remark about Squats. I know its short, my bad.
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 160
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFarseer Kyli comes running over the hill from the direction of the Specialist Games forum, holding up the skirt of her robes with one hand.
Kyli: Clutching at a stitch in her side “Hurry up Fenix, we’re late!”
Fenix: Appears over the hill crest, out of breath “I’m coming! Sorry, I thought I’d have time to do my bit in FarseerMatt’s campaign log over in the Inquisitor forum and be back in time for Lastie’s next post.”
Kyli: “Well you thought wrong, didn’t you? And now we‘ve missed two whole chapters!”
Fenix: “So why didn’t you say anything? If your omniscient powers of foresight warned you that we were going to be late why didn’t you tell me?”
Kyli: “Isha’s tears, do I have to babysit you every step of the way? I thought rangers were supposed to be self-sufficient! Besides, I had more important futures to keep an eye on.”
Fenix: “Like what?”
Kyli: “Like next week’s lottery numbers. Now come on and help me read over the latest chapters.”
Fenix: “Is Lastie dissing our random musings?”I'm glad it does make sense to someone ...
Kyli: “Maybe he couldn’t quite follow my logic about the Fire Dragons and the shuriken catapults.”
Fenix: “Why not, too AWESOME for a mere mon-keigh to comprehend?”
Kyli: “Be polite to other posters, Fenix.”
Fenix: “Oh come off it - I’m not as bad as Kharn when he gets hold of a laptop. Does ‘FLAME, TROLL, SPAM! FLAME, TROLL, SPAM!’ ring any bells?”
Kyli: “Fenix, I know rangers are entitled to rebel and all but we‘re supposed to be reviewing a chapter of P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S.”
Fenix: “Alright…”
Fenix: “Damn! I thought it was going to be the White Dwarf...”Alpharius: Looking at a clipboard in his hands. “Er ... Josef Bugman III?”
Kyli: “Well, I told you that trying to predict a P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S plot was just asking for trouble.”
Fenix: “Okay, okay...how does it feel to be right all the time?”
Kyli: “It feels great, thanks for asking.”
Fenix: Sighs
Fenix: ShuddersAdventurer: “Oh hai! Iz tis wre w gt teh c00l l0otz?”
Kyli: “You seem to be expressing yourself non-verbally rather a lot.”
Fenix: “Eldar language is full of non-verbal communication.”
Kyli: “True...”
Fenix: “And do you seriously have anything more to add to that?”
Kyli: “Again true...every time I see leetspeak a little part of me dies ins-” There is a loud chiming noise
Fenix: “What in the name of the Slicing Orb aspect’s non-existent background was that?”
Kyli: Looking at her mobile in confusion “I don’t know...someone just sent me a message over Mind Speech Network.”
Fenix: Reading over Kyli’s shoulder “'From Adventurer'? What’s he doing hacking into our post? And how did he get your MSN address?”
Kyli: “No idea. Plot hole maybe? Hmmm, it says ‘ASL?’ What does that mean?”
Fenix: “Age, sex and location.”
Kyli: “Okay...um...age...yes, I suppose Eldar do age, just very slowly. Sex? Yes, Eldar are ‘the sex’. Location. Why’s he asking that? If he knows where to send the bloody message he already knows where I am! What’s the point of this?”
Fenix: “From what I’ve learned on my travels, asking for personal information is part of the mon-keigh courting process.”
Kyli: “Urgh!” Shuts her phone in disgust and puts it back in her pocket.
Fenix: Levelling his ranger long rifle “Well if MSN messages can travel between narratives maybe laser bolts can too. I reckon I can take him down from here...”
Kyli: “As much as I’d like you to, as I said before we mustn’t interfere with the official script. Lastie might want to bring him back in a later chapter...”
Fenix: “Aaah Konrad Curze, there’s a reason FarseerMatt picked Night Lords for his CSM army...although I must say he missed out the bit about laser bolts being invisible in space, since there’s no particles to scatter the beams.”Konrad Curze: “Probably because a) they're fighting at standard distances for space battles, that being several thousand miles apart, and b) in case you missed the very basic science lesson we teach all kids sound doesn't travel through vacuum”
Kyli: “You’d still see it if it was heading straight for you though.”
Fenix: “Yeah, but then it’d probably be the LAST thing you saw.”
Fenix: “Hey look, Chief L. Rome has started getting fictional characters to convey his thoughts on the story too.”In a newsroom-makeshift table and background, Khorne, Lord of Skulls, one of the four Dark Gods of Chaos, sits next to one of Lastie Loyal fans, Chief L. Rome (or Rome for short). Looking at each other in contempt (and rage... RAGE!!!), a Thrall makes a finger countdown. 3, 2, 1.
Kyli: “Looks like the fanon opposition to the Plot Hole in this thread is growing.”
Fenix: “Good stuff. Hang on though, if Chief L. Rome can make the effort to appear in his own posts alongside the other characters, what’s FarseerMatt’s excuse? Why are we still doing all the hard work?”
Kyli: “Anything a mon-keigh can do, an Eldar can do better. And two Eldar can do it better still. You really need to work on your Eldar arrogance, Fenix.”
Fenix: “I’ll try and find time when I’m not zipping back and forth between here and the 'The Story Continues' thread...”
Kyli: “Anyway that about wraps it up for this chapter, I think we’ve earned a bit of a break.” Takes out a chequered blanket and a small picnic basket, spreads the blanket on the grass and sits down cross-legged.
Fenix: Sitting down next to her and rummaging through the basket “Hmmm, what did you bring in the way of fruit?”
Kyli: “Bananas and pears.”
Fenix: “Ah yes, I remember travelling the Path of the Pear Eater back before I decided to become a ranger...think I’ll go for one of them.” Pulls out a pear and a packet of digestives “Biscuit?”
Kyli: “Yes please.”
Fenix: “With cheese?”
Kyli: “I’ve yet to see an Eldar army list that wasn’t partial to cheese.”
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsI want to thank Lastie for another well done chapter. Cheers!
FarseerMatt for his name dropping and I too show respect and love back (for quoting). I felt I left something unfinished...
{Khorne's Brass Scorpion, bent on destruction seeks the human who escaped its grasp last time and the screen fades to black. Then the screen returns into a cubed three dimensional arena in a well-decorated, Victorian era bridge. Rome's nametag appears above and a set of numbers and letters: 458HP}
Rome: "This has a feeling of some... oh Hell naw, I played this before. I ain't Squall and u goin down by some hottie and a machine gun... I hope."
{The Scorpion's daemonic face laughs and loads its main gun while Rome attempts to run, In place... and Successful escape!}
Upon reaching the end of the bridge Rome sees some Jetbikes in front of an establishment. The bikes have red and black markings with a white snake on the front.
Rome: "If Orks are right, Red means Fast! Better work." And with some luck the bike starts and races full speed away from the Scorpion towards a group of Bonesingers repairing a Wave Serpent, who in turn get mauled and decimated by Khorne's Machination.
Rome: "I now feel safe knowing that I won't be chased for a while. Saim-Haan? Sorry if I got the name wrong. I guess they'll be sponsoring this AWESOME moment and filled with TRACYNESS! Rome's PRIMARCHS! Favoured moment #40. Wow, already 40, heh."
Seeing into the horizon Rome sees two thin figures running from a hill some 600 meters away.
"I better hide before someone finds me!" He takes an Eldar weapon from the rider's holster that looks like a Shuriken pistol.
Favoured quotes of the episode
Horus: "Ha! I knew that. Have Blackberry vanguard move up to them, and order Lemon to move Twenty two thousand miles UP!"
A collective Gasp arises from everyone!
Hecate: "Up? But Horus, don't you mean...???"
Horus: Standing up and clenching one fist in a dramatic manner "Yes! I intend to utilize the THIRD dimension as a Stategic Asset!"
That is so EPIC I barely could focus on anything else, like it was inspired by Futurama. Lastie=EPIC!
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 161
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: Finishing off the last of their picnic “Wait a minute, we’re on a hill...is he talking about US?”Seeing into the horizon Rome sees two thin figures running from a hill some 600 meters.
Kyli: “It’s possible.”
Fenix: “What are we doing in the same place?”
Kyli: “You didn’t think we had this narrative continuity all to ourselves did you? There’s the official continuity of Lastie’s P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S and there’s the parallel continuity for forum users to leave comments or, as in this case, fanon.”
Fenix: “You mean we’re having to share with THAT foul spawn of She Who Thirsts? Fan-bloody-tastic.”The name of Lucius the Magnificent, champion of slaanesh is spoken in a hushed tone everywere in the galaxy. His debauchery and lust are legendary Legends say that his whip can penetrate the rear armour of any vehicle. This man has killed millions in praise of Slaanesh.
Kyli: Piously “Shea nudh asuryanish erreintha asuryanat.”
Fenix: “Indeed. Ah, Shadow Point, now that was a decent BL novel, shame it’s out of print now...”
Kyli: “Don’t you think we should get moving?”
Fenix: “Eh? Why?”
Kyli: “In Chief L Rome’s post we were running down the hill. Now why would we be doing that?”
Fenix: “You’re supposed to be the Farseer, you tell me.”
Kyli: “I’m thinking we were running away from something.”
Fenix: “Well as Chief L Rome’s post was before ours we should already be running. And we’re not.”
Kyli: “Non-linear narrative perspective. You ever heard of self-fulfilling prophesies, Fenix?”
Fenix: “No, because unlike you I’m not a Farseer. I’ll start running when I see something bad coming. Approximately when will that be, by the way?”
Kyli: Squints at her runes “In about...oh.”
As Fenix opens his mouth to ask her what she means by “oh”, she seizes his hand and sprints off down the side of the hill. There is a heavy explosion, and another mushroom cloud shaped like a giant hand flipping off rises up, as the =L= rejection flattens the hill. A few seconds later, a webway portal opens and Fenix falls through headfirst, with Kyli stepping out after him a moment later.
Fenix: Pulling himself to his feet, coughing and spluttering. He dusts himself down and shakes his fist at the sky “Would you stop that? We’re NOT trying to hijack the gods-damn thread!”
Kyli: Peering into the giant crater where the hill used to be “Well that could have been messy.”
Fenix: “Could have been!?”
Kyli: Shrugs “Subtlety never really was the Inquisition’s strong point.”
Fenix: “Strong point? That threw subtlety right out the window! That was about as subtle as a Tangar Woad Warrior charging into battle shaking his genitals and roaring ‘look at my big barbarian p-’”
Kyli: “YES, thank you Fenix, we can do without the graphic analogy. Right, now taking that second Rejection as a fairly stern hint to get on with it, why don’t you prevent the =L= from having cause to nuke us again and justify this post by finding something constructive to say about Lastie’s work?”
Fenix: “Would this be a bad time to mention that, judging each by its own in-universe laws, a BFG capital ship would probably pan the Galactica?”Hecate:Judging from the markings along its hull we believe the vessel to be called a 'Battlestar Galactica'”
Kyli: “Yes, yes it would.”
Fenix: “Would it also be a bad time to mention that I think it odd that any ship regardless of universe can hail each other?”Thrall #673: “Incoming communications from that ship now, my Lady Hecate”
Kyli: “A radio wave is a radio wave, Fenix.”
Fenix: “And if they’re using Astropaths?”
Kyli: Facepalms
Fenix: “Imagine if he was an Eldar...”The image appears over the window of a man so badass even Horus raises an eyebrow.
Kyli: “We’d probably have the Fire-Dragon-with-shuriken-catapult problem again.”
Fenix: “Now why couldn’t they have done it that way in the series?”Horus: Strumming on his guitar. “There must be some way out of here ... said the joker to the thief”
Hecate: Shaking her booty. “There's too much confusion ... I can't get no relief”
Colonel Saul Tigh:Screams, then pulls out his side arm and aims it at Adama. “I AM A CYLON!!”
Kyli: “Less dramatic.”
Fenix: “Funny as frack though.”
Kyli: “Frack?”
Fenix: “I take it you don’t watch BSG. You miss these things when you don’t take the Path of Wandering...”
Kyli: “If taking the Path of Wandering makes people turn out like you then I think I'll pass...”
Fenix: “The man has a point! On the other hand, why is Souron with the Plot Hole? Surely, Lord of the Rings has so much backstory and additional notes it should be the one work almost immune to plot holes?”TBF i still can't belive sauron hasn't been mentioned, EVER!!!!
Kyli: “Not necessarily. You remember that YouTube video ‘How LoTR Should Have Ended’?”
Fenix: “Oh for the love of...you mean the one where they mooned the Eye of Souron while Gandalf flew in on an eagle and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom? What in the name of the Most Epic Burns In A Single RTS Dialogue award that Taldeer won last year was that all about?”
Kyli: “Perhaps Lastie agreed that they could have just flown in.”
Fenix: “Er, hello? Big freaking Fell Beasts flying around?”
Kyli: “Alright then, what about the old Balrog/wings argument?”
Fenix: “Ah.”
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsFandom is something that inspires us all to create and build almost always without altering the course of events, like a side story. Think Han Solo's brother (if he had one) and see his life unfold... perhaps that is why crossovers aren't cool (90%). It makes me sad...
Seeing two Eldar (one well dressed and the other one wielding a Long Rifle) sat down to eat, and sensing Rome, they looked at each other and begun to run again, from the mushroom cloud of the =L= REJECTION! Seeing no other option, Rome used his Teleport Homer to leave the area where he was previously.
Rome: "I'm glad to be ok... Where am I?" Looking around, he listens to a peculiar sound of an approaching vehicle, an extravagant, pimped out blue Rhino with a 20-ct. diamond encrusted 'U' on every side. "Not him, please, not him!" And out comes the big Blue boy, Rob: Primarch of the Ultramarines.
Rob: "Yo wats crackin'? I got some gud news! And some bad news."
Rome: "Give me the good one 1st."
Rob: He flashes his Adamantium fake teeth 'bling' and his cape of AWESOME flows (but there's no wind) "You gon ride on my pimpmobile today! Listenin' to all of ma tracks an mixtapes yo!"
Rome: Shocked at the statement. "I'm NOT ridin on that thing! And besides, I feel guilty for those Eldar, probably the =L= Inquisition wants them dead, for all I know. What could be soo bad and worse than riding on a SHINY BLUE rhino!?"
Rob: "OK homie. Well there's THAT!" pointing about 50 meters behind Rome is a rare Tyranid lifeform known as the Red Terror.
Where Rome stood a moment ago, he in one motion ran past the Primarch and into the vehicle. Rob followed and told the driver to go.
Rome: Looking at Lasties fans "I don't have anything this time, but I will later. Also to the new readers I salute you! My next Favoured moment should include something special in memory of FarseerMatt. And if Horus looked at me he'd pee...of laughter."
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionI have divised a formula that infallible on the praise of awesome.
it however relies on what you currently decide to be good and bad
P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = (Warhammer Onlinex10^3 x Space Marine codex brokenness) x Fallout 3 + RedAlert3 - Jonathan Pryce (the man does not act at all during the game) x Tim curry and all the Slaanesh-style appeal of the game - world or FAILcraft and the wrath of the WANGST king + Terran Marines +40% Pure Win x Awesome on a scale of paragraphs in the last Chapter x Lastie himself,
and there you have a fool proof equation of how much pure, unadulterated win and awesome (to the power OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND! !). I smell a Quote coming on.
[color=gold]"War. War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything, from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.
In the year M26, after millennia of armed conflict, the destructive nature of man could sustain itself no longer. The galaxy was plunged into an abyss of nuclear fire and radiation. But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world. Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue to another bloody chapter of humanity's history. For man had succeeded in destroying this empire - but war, war never changes.
it is here you will die because, in the Darkest hell of the future, no one ever enters and no one ever leaves."
I have many months of WAR to blame for my lack of reading (for Tchar'zanek!, for the Raven God!) but the sheer level of Win from everyone is forcing something inside me to write!
Kane sat pondering his next move in the fortress called Temple Prime situated in the plains of Sarajevo, GDI was on the run in their pathetic 'blue zones' the power of the green crystal had proven that the Brotherhood of Nod was indeed, in the right he was the Messiah sent to lead mankind, he smiled to himself, he had manipulated Mankind for centuries from behind the scenes. but he sensed that he would be needed later in the Human's history. A small creature lurked in the corner of the darken hall of Temple Prime. a small hooded creature sent to watch him. It waddled humorously towards the Messiah, its tiny humanoid arms spread in a form of openness and peace, though Kane had no reason to believe that it was in any form and ally
"Speak" Kane quipped as he turned his gaze to a holo-display showing the distributed forces of the Brotherhood.
"Seee?" the thing indicated the map, whispered its voice was the accent of a million separate people, as if it could not decide who, or what it was, the blue robes shifted endlessly adding to the theory that grew in Kane's mind, "My Mistress has made your enemies weak, changed their plans to fit to yours, and my Mistriesssssss"
The things voice trailed like a snake as Kane waved a hand and from the shadows stood the imposing forms of the Black Hand, their laser rifles primed at the creature "State you point little thing before i lose my patience" Kane stated as he stood, the black robes falling around him like the night it self. "My mistress has fulfilled her commitment, will you yoursssss?"
The creature also rose, it stood equal with Kane. by reaction the Black Hand took another forward, a dozen score rifle sight lay of the messenger "i suppose i must" Kane stated nonchalantly as he stepped with praticed grace around the chair of which he sat, gracefully Kane strood towards a podium at the far end of the room.
"Indeed you Mistress has made the GDI fools weak and their guards lowed but do not forget Daemon that i know what you are. She has done as I planned, she will recive what she needs when i believe that she deserves it" the Messanger flared at this, its form grew in bulk and power, the pink flames roared around it like a tainted halo
"yOu DaRe!" the creature called as the Laser Rifles gave throat to their cry of heat and light, the creature flinched and its form spasm under the fire and within a few moments the creature was nothing more then a pool of blue liquid, Kane mused to himself, this Changer of Ways was indeed cunning to attempt to demand anything of the Messiah. Kane knew one day he would have to rid the galaxy of the creature... and its ill-begotten ilk, so called gods of Chaos. Kane looked throught eh stained glass windows into the sky, in the distance, he could see the form of a giant bird laughing, mocking him.
a Little, very terrible attempt at Fanon/Cross-over, that and the CnC3 lan tournament i recently participated in didn't help. :P
'WAR, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely everything
Uh-huh
WAR, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely everything
Say it again, y'all'
- a common call floating around Praag at the moment.
And let us not forget the blessed saint of Awesome The Norris of Chuck "Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one Bird"
Its good to be home.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: "Wow, people have been busy on this thread...it is safe to reply with BladeWolf of the =L= inquisition sitting just one post away right?"
Kyli: Lying back with her hands behind her head and her ankles crossed "Don't worry, I'm keeping an eye on the runes. I'll tell you if they try to nuke us again."
Fenix: "Okay...oooh, Rome's mentioned us again."
Kyli: Sitting up "Hmmm?"
Kyli: Blushes "Thanks Rome, I try to keep up appearances."two Eldar (one well dressed and the other one wielding a Long Rifle)
Fenix: "Hmph, and I'm only notable for my gun?"
Kyli: "You're a Ranger. It's kind of your trademark."
Fenix: "And you're a Farseer. Your trademark's supposed to be psychic powers, not fashion sense."
Kyli: "And we are both Eldar and our collective trademark is to look damn cool whatever we happen to be doing. I mean seriously, did you think the sashes on the Dire Avengers serve any functional purpose other than to look stylish?"
Fenix: "Maybe to disguise the fact that, until the new plastic Avengers came out, without said sashes and a headswap they WERE basically just Guardian models?"
Kyli: "The laziness of GW's modellers is no fault of ours!"
Fenix: Doubles up laughing "Awesome! Hey wait a minute, what's an official P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S character doing in our narrative continuity?""Not him, please, not him!" And out comes the big Blue boy, Rob: Primarch of the Ultramarines.
Kyli: "Well hopefully a guest appearance and not via a plot hole."
Fenix: "Who's he calling Matt's minions!?"Horus just took out the command staff of the BSG with a guitar. Although, as Matt's minions have put it, a BFG would outweigh and outgun a BSG. Especially a Primarch flagship, such as the Ultimate Badass is.
Fenix: "Look, he did it again! That’s it - I’m challenging this guy to a game of 40K!"In response to Matt’s minions’ response to the Ultimate's ability to respond to the Galactica in such a way as to use radio signals... in response...
Kyli: "This isn’t the time to bunk off and have fun."
Fenix: "Fun? Oh, I’m not going to make the game fun! I’ve walked the Path of the 40K Rules Lawyer back on the craftworld and by Lileath’s drug-fuelled prophetic dreams I’ll argue the toss about absolutely everything until he takes a hammer to his own models out of sheer irritation!"
Kyli: "See, this is why we kicked you off the craftworld to walk the Ranger Path."
Fenix: "Wow...so Kane was getting help from Chaos. That actually explains rather a lot!"Kane looked throught eh stained glass windows into the sky, in the distance, he could see the form of a giant bird laughing, mocking him.
Kyli: "And there you have it, proof that fanon has the power to defeat Plot Holes."
Fenix: "I dunno, ‘Chaos did it’ seems like a bit of a lame plot device."
Kyli: "It's been good enough for official GW material on multiple occasions. Besides, fanon doesn’t have to be GOOD, Fenix."
Fenix: "Yeah. Case in point, us..."
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictiondamn straight it work FarseerMatt, would you prefer that i go and plan out a Non-chaos did it Plot device? cus i will do it! (lets not get started on Red Alert 3, time-travel the mother of all plot holes)
It took me five minutes to write that! and now the revenge
Brother Captain Cristhios of the Frost Wolves stalked as well as Artificer Armour would allow, the dull thuds of his boot sounded like thunderclaps through the suit. Behind him walked ten of his veterens, the fourth company's finest in his opinion. the Eldar craftworld was an amazing place, the spires of wraithbone and the swirling colours of the artificial sky amazed and dazzled several of the Astartes when they first arrived through the blasted warp-bending webway. to them, the sky was useually overcast with flak and artillery, separated by the trails of the lightings and marauders, or depressingly full of cursed spore spores of the Zergnid Xenos. Librarian Ai had walked them through the worst of the craftworld defenses so far, his time with the Deathwatch had clearly served a purpose, making the Eldar believe that the Marines were wraithguard by merely bending light and space to the image he wished to project. Cristhios carred not for such machinations, but was a warrior of the physical, and without Ai, the company would have been destroyed a thousand times over by the meta-physical. Ahead of Cristhios was Lakios, the squad special weapon carrier, in his grip was a weapon of holy vengence, the Incinerator, a gift from a Ordo Malleus Inquisitor just a few weeks before, and who's words had lead them here, they had expected Daemons on the other side of the webway. but depending on who you ask, thought Cristhios, they are one and the same (Cough OThe tGreat oEnemy gOf sThe cEldar Cough).
Lakios rose his gauntlet and the convoy stopped "Primary threat spotted" the Marine reported, a Farseer Cristhios cursed, behind Cristhios, the whine of servos gave away movment "Moving into position" Brother Demosthenes moved somewhat disturbing grace, especially carrying the Heavy bolter the way he did. Cristhios turned to Sergeant Marden, the squad sharpshooter and nodded, the Marine confirmed the unspoken order and moved forward. he jogged to beside Lakios and rose his bolter, the scope came to his eye-piece "Neutralizing" the Sergeant called a moment before his head jerked back from a shot, Cristhio rose his Combi-Melta and primed the secondary weapon, if he got a shot, he would make sure the witch was dead.
Marden dropped with a damning crunch as he fell in a way Power Armour was not supposed to bend, the sound of his knees ripping out their sockets echoed through the open vox. less then a second later the righteous roar of the Heavy bolter began to sing through the air.
"One Companion, Ranger!" Called Demosthenes over the bellow of hate coming from the weapon. Cristhios pulled his Relic blade from its sheath at his waist. as he brought it up, he felt the holy anger enter his soul, the words began to form in his mind, and he gave them voice
"For the Wolf! For the Emperor! and for the Ordo Lastie!"
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 162
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: Looking around and occasionally stopping to glance at his watch “Where is she? You’d think a Farseer would be on time for the start of the next P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S chapter...”
Kyli: Appearing behind him “I am here on time.”
Fenix: Jumping comically in surprise “Argh! Where have you been? And why are you using that colour font?”
Kyli: “I’ve been reading through FarseerMatt’s PM inbox. And I have changed the font colour because in said inbox was a note from nddn asking us to do so. With Lord Caldera also seeming to prefer that gold text be reserved for Lastie alone:
Kyli: “I thought I’d oblige. So we now speak in white.”Ahh, drink in the beauty of a new post in gold text!
Fenix: “Wow, just when...”
Kyli: Clears her throat
Fenix: “FINE, in white...just when I thought you couldn’t pulverise the fourth wall any more than we already have, you start talking about our author’s inbox.”
Kyli: “We’re Eldar, Fenix. We meddle in things. Preferably without anyone noticing. Like in Dan Abnett’s Ravenor series.”
Fenix: “But there weren’t any Eldar in those books!”
Kyli: “See?”
Fenix: “Well, if we assume the fourth wall to be already well and truly bulldozed, with Lastie’s permission I simply MUST e-mail this chapter to FarseerMatt’s flatmate. His love of crossovers and bias towards Star Wars should result in much hilarity.”=Black Legion Chosen: His suit of terminator armour stained with the blood of Imperial navy (not our Imperial, it should be mentioned, but the George Lucas variety). “Where are we?”
Kyli: “Why don't you just send him the link?”
Fenix: “Ah. Of course.”
Kyli: “You know, for someone who goes on so much about the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S characters never taking the simple option...”
Fenix: “In my defence, this isn't so much an issue of simplicity as copyright infringement.”
Fenix: “See, why didn’t they just teleport DIRECTLY to the generator? They could have locked onto the freakishly big energy spike as a guide, it would have been pretty damn obvious. WHY can these Primarchs never take the simple route? Then again I’ve pretty much given up on expecting sense from mon-keigh - Space Marines sending their new recruits on the most dangerous missions to hone stealth skills they’re NEVER going to use as battle-brothers, stating in the BGB that the last time the Imperium tried to attack a craftworld they lost an entire sector battlefleet, then in the new Spaz Marine codex saying that one chapter screwed over Idharae...”Ezekyle Abaddon: Begins to sigh, then recovers and quickly turns it into a snarl. “No idea. This warp-nav daemon is useless. I'll get Zaraphiston to order me an upgrade when we get off this damn hulk” Looks up and down the seemingly endless corridor. Due to budget restraints, they all look identical. “Which way do you think the generator for the damn super laser is?”
Kyli: “Fenix, you’re ranting again.”
Fenix: “The complete and nonsensical reversal in the same codex that you now have to train as a Devastator and an Assault marine before being let into a Tactical squad rather than the other way round and then specialising...”
Kyli: “Fenix...”
Fenix: “And don’t get me started on the quite frankly physics-raping premise of the conversion beamer - an ENERGY weapon, that INCREASES in power over distance? Someone’s never heard of the inverse square law...”
Kyli: “FENIX!”
Fenix: “What?”
Kyli: “There’s a lot of 40K tech that’s patently physics-raping! Just handwave it with the idea that we don’t yet know everything about physics with a dash of ‘the warp did it’ chucked in and just live with it!”
Fenix: “Okay, okay...er, what was the point I was making?”
Kyli: “That they should have teleported straight to the generator.”
Fenix: “Oh yeah, that’s right. And another thing, how did they teleport through the Eclipse’s shields?”
Kyli: “40K teleporters send you through the Warp. I doubt shields would be an issue. Plus, who says the Eclipse’s shields were up? Because there are definite numbers available for the power output of Star Wars and Star Trek weapons, Warsies and Trekkies can have a meaningful vs debate. But as BFG contains few such definitive stats for its weapons, who’s to say that a 40K ship can’t strip away a Star Destroyer’s shields in a single salvo? Another perk of our franchise’s intentional author vagueness when attempting to write crossovers.”
Fenix: “Nice.”
Fenix: “Hmph, I wouldn’t say BLESS.”The screen before the stained glass window flickers and Kerrigan's features once again bless this scene.
Kyli: Shrugs “Not everyone can be an Eldar.”
Fenix: “Ooh, that reminds me...”
Fenix: “I saw that one coming before I even reached the end of the line. Do I get points for that Eldar Arrogance you told me to work on if I point that out to everybody?”Kerrigan: “Whatever. I'm checking it out. Enjoy your duel of fates with the Eclipse and its fleet” No sooner had those words left her mouth, than John Williams' begins providing the soundtrack.
Kyli: “Hmmm...maybe one point.”
Fenix: “Best line of the chapter.”Mace Windu: “While I know I'll be causing George Lucas to spin repeatedly in a grave he's not lying within yet, it has to be said: I've had it with these mother******* Primarchs in this mother******* series!”
Fenix: “That line would have been up there with it if it hadn't included freaking LEETSPEAK!”Yoda: “Pwned, you will be”
Kyli: “That little green git has to die.”
Fenix: “Oh, that’s a burn on George Lucas to rival the ones Taldeer delivers throughout the Eldar campaign in Dark Crusade.”Anakin Skywalker: “But not before I get to spill the entire troubles of my wangst-filled heart in their direction”
Alpharius: “OK ... that last one actually terrifies me”
Kyli: Raises an eyebrow.
Fenix: “As I say, rivals but doesn’t quite equal Taldeer’s lines. After all it’s one of those lines that FarseerMatt’s got in his sig. Come to think of it, I think Drasriath had a Taldeer quote as well before she quit Warseer...not to mention the fact that Taldeer presumably won the Dark Crusade campaign, given that the Eldar have arguably the most balanced ending, and that when I first loaded up the campaign Eldar were the default race, so obviously the games designers wanted them to win...”
Kyli: “Nicely done, Fenix. Take another Eldar Arrogance point.”
Kyli: “I hope not. Canon has the potential to create plot holes.”Still, I'm liking the ... fan fiction? Of fan fiction? Isn't that like two negatives? Does it follow maths and become a postive? Can then fan fiction of fan fiction become canon fiction?
Fenix: “And fanon doesn't?”
Kyli: “Well, fanon's much easier to refute. Which is the sole reason why I'm not mind-warring you into next week for pointing out all the flaws in the latest Codex and potentially creating a whole new swathe of plot holes.”
Fenix: “So we're safe, as long as we remain non-canon?”
Kyli: “Yes, thank Asuryan.”
Fenix: “Would this be a bad time to tell you that our craftworld of Reia-Hal might be considered canon after being mentioned in the official Medusa V week 8 Eldar update?”
Kyli: Stares at Fenix in abject horror.
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsAfter Rob left Rome in front of this very theater, he found it unusual how large was everything. Dreadnoughts, Wraithlords, Carnifexes, Daemons and the Deceiver were all there (except Avatars for Fire safety reasons). As everyone sat down with their snack of choice and beverage, the lights go dark and the picture rolls.
[A time yet to pass, in a galaxy changed in many ways...]
PRIMARCHS
[It is the 41st millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the Master of Mankind by the will of the Gods, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible armies]...
A large (um.. Yea. Is large) horned creature rose from his sofa-sized seat and spoke out loud, also blocking the view from the film played. "Someone Fethin Forward that Imperial garbage! I want to see blood!" Some Necrons began to boooring stuff boo hiss! And got crushed instantly. “Come back from THAT!"
And here's when our (at LEAST one) human-looking individual with a large backpack and stands up by the screen facing the now large Daemon Prince. "Hey! I paid 25 Credits to WATCH a film, not a Motormouth Demon! Go to hell or something!" A great collective Gasp is heard and a small Thrall replied, "Mylord, he said Daemon without the a!"
The Daemon roars, "Who dares to interrupt my AWESOME Daemonic Prescence? Who am I!?"
30-odd Thralls answer in unison: "Shűrnuff!" "You are a puny human who can't seem to work to even feed himself! Hahahaahahahahaha!" the evil Daemon prince says.
"You're all talk, then? Get at me. But I warn you, I outfled a Brass Scorpion and the Red Terror. I have nothing to fear from you." Shűrnuff was drawing his weapon of death and kill (which is standard to all Chaos followers upon Daemonhood upgrade membership) while advancing towards Rome.
To be Continued…
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTKyli: “So Che’s report was based almost completely on Sabbad’s work?”
Fenix: “Yes.”
Kyli: “Which was fanon?”
Fenix: “Yes.”
Kyli: “So while we may have been mentioned in the canon, the reference is partially mitigated by its fanon roots?”
Fenix: “If you say so.”
Kyli: Slumps back against the wall in relief “Thank the gods for that. I was worried I was going to have to carry out the biggest background retcon since the Horus Heresy series.”
Fenix: “So what’s new then?”
Kyli: “Easy, the Eldar who secretly engineered the fight behind the scenes wins. Next question.”Although, curses. I was hoping for a battle to end the long debate: who would win, a Jedi, or a Librarian?
Fenix: Sighs deeplyFarseerMatt, the Space Marines won Dark Crusade (go figure...)
Kyli: “Never mind. The 'true' result was probably more realistic than one faction wiping out all the others anyway.”
Fenix: “Unless Davian Thule has become the latest casualty of Spess Muhreen syndrome.”
Kyli: “Well, I guess we can believe what we want until GW releases something more canon, like a novelisation.”
Fenix: “Which they probably won’t. Hang on, so you’re saying DoW isn't canon?”
Kyli: “If it was, the 4th edition Space Marine codex would have been forced to give the Blood Ravens some chapter traits more in line with their portrayal in DoW. Purity Above All for example, letting them attach Apothecaries to squads like they do in the game.”
Fenix: “So seeing as they didn't, the original DoW material must have been only fanon?”
Kyli: “Exactly. And of all the possible futures I've seen, there are very few in which GW declares everything in Soulstorm canon.”
Fenix: Shudders “Retconning that mess would require the biggest cleanup since Isha cried enough to flood three maiden worlds.”
Kyli: “Given her sensitive nature, I always thought Kurnous was a bit daft to take her to see Titanic…”
Fenix: “Ah, so that’s what the L stands for.”So you know, my full name is Chief Librarian Mu Rome
Kyli: “That reminds me - hey nddn, FarseerMatt got your PM and says no problem and a happy new year to you too.”What this line is about? Can't understand the sense... pls PM it to me
Fenix: “Wow, he even gets you to cover his off-topic stuff? That’s lazier than Asuryan just sitting back and watching during the War in Heaven.”
Kyli: “They put everything back the way it was. So the Codex Astartes still broke them down into chapters. Well, the loyalist ones anyway - I’m guessing the traitor Primarchs kept their legions.”Didn't the Primarchs (by use of the Plot Device of Doom, Alan Merret's Laptop) regain their Legions?
Fenix: “At least until the new Chaos codex retconned them into ‘warbands’ with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer…”
Kyli: “Oh. So there isn’t a new chapter up yet.”The next chapter will be up...when I've finished it. :P
Fenix: “So what was the point of this post!?”
Kyli: Looking offended “Well if I hadn’t been desperately trying to decanonise our craftworld I might have seen it coming and saved us the trouble!”
Fenix: “You’re supposed to be a freaking Farseer!”
Kyli: “A freaking Farseer with limited freaking ability to do everything at freaking once!”
Fenix: “I thought girls were good at multitasking? And what happened to Eldar superiority?”
Kyli: “Yeah, well right now you’re taxing my superior Eldar patience!”
Fenix: Raising his hands “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Look, we’ve commented on all the quotes, lets go and join Rome in the cinema. That way we can see the next chapter of P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S in high definition.”
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 163 AND CHAPTER 164
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsI apologize. My phone decided NOT to post what I spent writing TWICE. Unforgivable. And I missed 2 episodes of TRACYNESS!? Unspeakable! That someone is doing what I do (sharing many hilarious/long and hilarious moments), AND didn't pay respects/tithes to the =L=!?
The line (which I haven't drawn, by the way) has been crossed! And I hope this werks, otherwise ill have to wait an extra week. Back to where I left (I'm soo frustrated by this...)
Chief Librarian Mu Rome. "Armor ON!" and the backpack came to life, rearranging itself to wrap the thin human into a Space Marine Librarian suit of armor. The left shoulder had the insignia of the =L= inquisition and on the right, the Blood Angles Chapter. His left arm wielded a Powerfist wrapped in psychic warp energies emanating from the psychic Hoods user. On the right, a Mars-Pattern Stormbolter.
Rome: "You shall not...um interrupt this film!" And our somewhat odd-Champion of Lastie meets Shrűnuff in the air for an epic fight with BLOOD. Somewhere in this theather, Khorne is soo pleased, he wont bother them two. The thralls all chant their masters name in vain as his head is utterly crushed by the psychic power of the Librarian. He then turns to the thralls and says: "Make sure you're very quiet when watching a movie or in a book store, or I will crush you myself." All thralls nodded except one (there's ALWAYS one), who also got his head crushed before he could reply.
Rome: "And NOW, my favoured moments#41. Yes. Many of them.
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Colonel Saul Tigh: "What? This music! Plot Device activating! Random twist occurring! Logic being thrown out the window! Shock value priority..." Screams, then pulls out his sidearm and aims at Adama. "I AM A CYLON!!"
+Storm Trooper Sergeant: Spent his last round and tosses his rifle which bouncess off harmlessly "WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?"
+Horus: "And our paint scheme is AWESOME!"
+Yoda: "Pwned, you will be."
+Alpharius: "OK...that last one ACTUALLY terrifies me.
Credits: The Cast of PRIMARCHS! Including the Chaos Gods and other named ppl who I won't bother to mention because its too long, T-Tauri and the Admin Mods for their patience and support, Captain Malachi for a neat Avatar, Lord Aulianas for support and good laugh @ Rob and myself, Lorcryst for his TRACY feedbacks and comments, FarseerMatt and his entourage (Kyli the Farseer & Fenix the Ranger) for a good laugh in a semi-crossover fanon and are NOT minions, Bladewolf for a REALLY deep story, nddn for being another new reader.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTAs the big screen fades to black in the wake of Russ’ parting comment, and as Rome keeps a wary eye on the thralls at the back of the cinema, Fenix and Kyli continue to sit in a haughty, controlled and very Eldar manner in the front row. Kyli doesn’t move for a very long time. Finally she takes a deep breath and stands up.
Kyli: “Right. Sorry about that but I wasn’t sure I could trust my Eldar restraint for a minute there. Congratulations Miss Lastie. That is the closest a mon-keigh work of fiction has ever had me to physically standing up and cheering. Fenix, if you need any further proof of Eldar being awesome, just look at Eldrad and Macha in that chapter.”
Fenix: “Should I be worried that there’s more Eldar awesomeness here than in some Black-Library-In-Name-Only novels?”
Kyli: “The power of fanon, Fenix, the power of fanon. Right, shall we see what’s quotable then?”
Fenix: “Reia-Hal craftworld, Miss Lastie. Both products of FarseerMatt’s own fanon. I am Fenix, ranger captain of Reia-Hal, founder of the Spears of Kurnous - the elite battlefield rangers that are Reia-Hal’s equivalent of pathfinders. Some people say I stole my name from a Starcraft character, others that I don’t know how to spell the name of a mythical bird, both of which I CATEGORICALLY DENY. You can read about some of my exploits over in the Inquisitor forum.”Thirded (if that's a word). I have but one question, FarseerMatt; where do the characters come from?
Kyli: “That reminds me, exactly when are you going to all get together for the final game?”
Fenix: “Hopefully sometime soon. Your turn.”
Kyli: “Okay…I’m Farseer Kyli Tau’ré, daughter of Drezatul Tau’ré and youngest member of the Five. That’s the head honchos of Reia-Hal’s seer council, in case you were wondering - you may remember my fellow ‘fiver’ Farseer Kamita Maté from Medusa V. I was dating a warlock called Silvanol until he had the bad manners to get himself killed in the 13th Black Crusade. I keep his spirit stone with me when I’m out and about the galaxy.”
A spirit stone in Kyli’s pocket: “And I’ll have words with anyone who mentions necrophilia!”
Kyli: “Sil, be quiet!”
Fenix: “Woah, he’s been with us the whole time?”
Silvanol’s spirit stone: “Well it wouldn’t have made any sense for me to speak up without Kyli here explaining the appropriate backstory.”
Fenix: “Fair enough. What else can we quote? Leaving out the depraved ramblings of the Druchii, of course.”
Kyli: “Of course. On principle.”
Kyli: “Hey, I resent that generalisation!”Alpharius: His eye twitches. “... good God-Emperor Almighty On His Golden Throne … you Eldar are seriously ****ed-up ...”
Fenix: “Me too!”
Kyli: “No Fenix, you actually are ****ed-up.”
Fenix: “Oh go stick the wrong end of a daemonette.”
Kyli: “Having once walked the Path of the Devil’s Advocate, I’m going to take the plunge and say I actually quite liked some of Warrior Coven.”Alpharius: Sits himself down in front of her and pulls out a soft-cover book from the pouches at his side. “No, I'm going to read you the entirety of the Dawn of War omnibus, written by the talented Mr. Goto.
Fenix: “Aren’t Eldar supposed to hate everything about Goto’s works on principle?”
Kyli: Whispers “It’s alright Fenix, I’m delivering an Author Filibuster.” Louder “Although I will admit that Warrior Coven is the only one of Goto’s books that I’ve read so far, and I’ve heard that the Dawn of War series were...um...not his best works.”
Fenix: “That’s odd. On Reia-Hal we got the story of the glerathiil bird that delivered babies to your door through the webway.”“You see, when mummy Eldar and daddy Eldar love each other very much … Slaanesh happens” - Tale told to little Eldar Children
Kyli: Going misty-eyed “Ah yes, I remember that one…”
Fenix: Sardonically “And then Sil came along and showed you how it was really done.”
Silvanol’s spirit stone: “Hey, to deny the transcendent passion of love, the thrill of courting a soul mate, undergoing the ritual of Binding and embarking on the Path of Maternity is to deny what makes us truly Eldar.”
Fenix: “That’s the most eloquent excuse for trying to get into a girl’s robes I’ve ever heard.”
Kyli: “You know, I’ve never actually heard that particular theory…”Eldrad: “Drazhar? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were Arhra?”
Fenix: *cough* “Farseer!” *cough*
Kyli: “We’ve been over this before. Limited scrying potential and wanting to avoid Calgar-like levels of Mary Sueness and so forth. Besides, of all the places I want to be casting my second sight, do you really think COMMORRAGH is going to be high on the list?”
Fenix: “True. The karaoke nights are just awful.”
Fenix: “And Macha shows us how it’s all done.”Macha: Slaps Alpharius “Don't involve our gods with your dirty deities mon-keigh”
Kyli: “As I’ve said before, awesomeness is inherent to Eldar. Especially for Farseers.”
Fenix: “Because of the pyrotechnics and runic accessories?”
Kyli: “Partially. But you’ve also got to spend mandatory time on the Path of the Badass before they’ll let you join the council.”
Kyli: “See, this guy can summarise in one line the kind of ethos I’ve been trying to drill into you for chapters. No wonder he’s head of Ulthwé.”Eldrad: “Being Eldar lets me get away with using one word where a sentence is normally demanded to maintain a constructive narrative … so … 'because'”
Fenix: “Was head of Ulthwé. He got eaten by a corrupted Talisman of Vaul, remember?”
Kyli: “Personally, I’m a subscriber to the ‘still alive in the Warp, delivering a serious psychic ass-kicking to the daemon in the Talisman’ theory. He is pretty much the Eldar equivalent of the Emperor, after all.”
Fenix: “Another Author Filibuster?”
Kyli: “Partially, but according to FarseerMatt’s background all of the Five cling to the same hope. So it’s my personal view as well.”
Fenix: “I’ll leave the readers to debate the idea of a character’s personal view when said characters were also created by the same author…”
Kyli: “That’s Eldar ambiguity for you.”
Kyli: “Both true and textbook examples of awesome. And, naturally, delivered by Eldar characters.”Eldrad: Grins. “Someone doubts the Eldar ability to screw with established physics”
Macha: Looking very pleased with herself. “See? It's easy once you step back and take a look at it properly without any of this 'not logical' nonsense you mon-keigh insist on using all the time! I mean, the game itself would run a lot smoother if you stopped niggling over every little rule that didn't make sense and just went with the flow”
Fenix: “Now all we need is Taldeer to complete the Triangle of Win.”
Kyli: “That might be dangerous. Lastie has shown commendable foresight for a mon-keigh in keeping Taldeer out of this chapter, and thus lessening the risk of the universe imploding under the sheer weight of awesome.”
Fenix: “Makes a change from the mon-keigh screwing everything up and leaving us to pick up the pieces, which is what usually happens…”
Kyli: “I could make a snide comment here about the reason for our side-story’s existence, but it might be considered pretentious.”
Fenix: “Well you just did.”
Kyli: Shrugs “Isn’t Eldar arrogance wonderful? Plus, we all have to help Lastie combat the Plot Hole, in our own way.”
Kyli: “And once again Eldrad speaks the truth that the mon-keigh shy away from.”Eldrad: “Wait … narrative cohesion … Warhammer 40,000 … narrative cohesion … you mean decent writing … in Warhammer 40,000?!?”
Fenix: “More Eldar awesomeness…but why didn’t you put it up with the previous quotes?”
Kyli: “For the same reason that Eldrad, Macha and Taldeer shouldn’t appear in a scene together, or that a female Fire Dragon Exarch shouldn’t be armed with a shuriken catapult.”
Fenix: “Ooh, nice continuity nod.”
Kyli: “Quite simply, because the chance of Critical Awesome Overload is too high.”
Fenix: “Fair enough. Is that the end of the chapter?”
Kyli: “I think so…there was one last thing though. Um…Mr Ulthran? May I have your autograph?”
Fenix: “I thought you said we were stuck in a separate narrative continuity?”
Kyli: “Gods damn it!”
Fenix: “ Oh, wait, we’re not done yet, I’ve found another bit hiding at the end…”
Kyli: Angrily “Blood of Eldanesh, where did that bit of rubbish come from!?”And the Ultramarines have a half-Eldar Librarian.
She stalks off in search of obscure fluff references.
Fenix: “Oh gods, someone’s in for it…”
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsIn our "last" episode, our humane-looking fan of Lastie's work is in fact a Space Marine Librarian of his Inqusition. after the defeat of the Daemon prince Shurnuff, the Thrall posee is on quiet watch, to ensure a silent quality for all enjoying the picture. From the rear, Rome notices on the front, barely seeing between a Carnifex's arms and body, a figure.
Rome: "It's THEM! those Eldar are here! they must've snuck here with their webportals of theirs." he goes to them and extends his hand. "I want to congratulate you both on a well done work. Um about the nuke, we were on an artillery range, apparently no one bothered to place a sign of danger." Seeing that they were reluctant, he realized why; he extended them his LEFT hand (with the bloodied still Fist) instead of the RIGHT. "ok, um and now to YOU (viewers), my favoured moment #42. brought you by--"
Thrall groupie#7: "Mylord, the Carnifex says th-" His head got crushed by Rome's Fist. Rome then looks at the behemoth monster and says: "That's it, Mister! you and me outside, RIGHT NOW!"
Outside the cinema, the carnifex reveals his Biomorphs: He's an Old One Eye, built for close combat. And he shrieks and roars (if you heard Godzilla's roar, you know what im talking bout, then crank to 11) centimeters from the Librarian's face.
Rome: ''Ah, yes, Rome's Favoured moments #42. What? There are a great many!"
Favoured quotes of the episode
*“Sons of Guilliman! The enemy is well entrenched and well-prepared! The enemy is expecting us! In situations like this heresy whispers in our ears to disobey the rigid tome of the Codex Astartes, written by the hand of Guilliman himself, to assault the enemy in a style unique and different to those we have employed previously! Heresy will argue that the enemy will not expect this course of action, and so we will catch them unaware and secure the moral and tactical high ground! IGNORE THE HERESY! DROP POD ASSAULT! AS THE CODEX SAYS, SO SHALL WE DO!” - Chapter Master Marneus Calgar, just before the massacre of Ward's Folly
“Stupid Ultramarines ...” - Dark Apostle Judais, just after the massacre of Ward's Folly
*Ferrus Manus: “I'm impressed Vect; you've actually managed to say something this chapter that doesn't so much cross the line twice, as drive over it on a high-speed Raider with dead babies hanging from the gantries by hooked chains”
Asdrubael Vect: “I did that once … but the babies weren't dead”
*Asdrubael Vect: Clicks his fingers, and his fellow Kabalite Eldar drag the barely conscious Rivermoon to Alpharius feet. “Here we are; a character so sickeningly sweet she'll give you diabetes”
Rivermoon: Lifts her head to stare defiantly at Alpharius. “What are you going to do? Torture me?”
Alpharius: Shakes his head. “Nope”
Rivermoon: “Rape me?”
Alpharius: “Good grief no. I'm a protagonist after all …”
Rivermoon: Rapidly running out of horrible ideas her wonderfully innocent imagination would allow. “Er … cut off my hair?”
Alpharius: Raises an eyebrow. “The fact you placed that after physical, emotional, and psychological violation is quite disturbing. I'd seek a psychiatrist if I were you, dear. No, I've something quite horrible in mind for you to ensure I'm placed firmly in the realms of the anti-hero” Sits himself down in front of her and pulls out a soft-cover book from the pouches at his side. “No, I'm going to read you the entirety of the Dawn of War omnibus, written by the talented Mr. Goto, for your delight. You'll be pleased to know I will be pronouncing every grammatical and spelling mistake, and placing extreme emphasis on ever occurrence of the word 'bray', or a derivative of”
Gasps of horror from all assembled.
Asdrubael Vect: “You … you MONSTER!!!”
*Alpharius: “NO! YOU ARE BANNED FROM TALKING FOREVER! Anything you say from here on out will be word-filtered to something more appropriate”
Asdrubael Vect: “Butterflies and rainbows?” Frowns. “Sunshine and lolly-pops” Becomes quite concerned. “Fluffy bunnies and candy!”
Lorgar: “That's an improvement. Abusing your plot hole-making skills again Al?”
Alpharius: “Yes. Unfortunately it won't last after we defeat the plot hole and restore narrative cohesion to the universe once again …”
Eldrad: “Wait … narrative cohesion … Warhammer 40,000 … narrative cohesion … you mean decent writing … in Warhammer 40,000?!?” Bursts into hysterical laughter.
Alpharius: “Yeah … this is why they killed you off”
*Horus: “So … erm … when do I get more screen time?”
Rome: "Can I Falcon-punch Horus for the comment?"Better Yet, I'll give him the Uppercut from Hell!" next time!
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 165
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsDear Avatar of Kaine: I must be mistaken by someone else, I merely quoted Lastie's work. I want to thank him for it as well. Annndd before I go on with another awesome... AWESOME moment of WIN of mine, let me remind you (readers) where I left.
Old One Eye began to attack Rome and missing due to its sluggish reactions and some psychic interference that deters the 'Fex from proper control and viciousness. The Lastie Loyalist found an opening and began to chant an ancient verse.
Rome: "In His Name, Thou Shall Not Offend His Mighty Inquisition!" The Powerfist was charged with psychic energy and a cylinder began to slide back to half the length of the gauntlet. Rome proceeded to give the monstrous creature an uppercut, but since he's using the Force Weapon, it lacks the drive to attack.
Rome looks onto the readers. Then to the 'Fex: "Forgive me My Lord. This one's for you. Uppercut From Hell!!!"
The psychic energy stored within the cylinder pushed it to its original position with such an incredible force, noteworthy of a PRIMARCH doing it so bare-handed (or footed. We know who clips their nails right). The Monstrous Creature's head not only exploded like a water balloon, but its body created convulsions prior to being completely =L= This description has been ommited for the sake of the viewers, since only Vect can REALLY get turned on by this. And now to the rest of the description. Omitted by: Mu Rome =L= destroyed and the 2 neighboring blocks were literally painted in the Xenos blood.
Thrall Groupie #6 nervously thinks of his fate: "My Lord. May I make a suggestion?"
Rome:"Go ahead."
TG#6:"I was hoping if I c-c-c- could make your favoured moment brought sponsored by You?"
Rome:"Sure."
TG#6:"And that maybe in your Clemency, just maybe give us a name?" Thrall groupies #2, 3 and 5 nod heads with a nervous smile.
Rome:"Sure #6. Ill call you..."
And #6 was utterly crushed by a greave. "Dead. Anyone else want a name?" the others looked down saddened, knowing that they are expendable and 'dead' anyways. "Too bad I killed "Dead." Who's going to mention my Favoured Moment?"
Thrall Groupie #4:"I will, My Lord..."
"Go fo it then".
TG#4: "And now, another PRIMARCHS Moment #43! Brought you by Rome! I did it and I'm not dead!"
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Samuel L. Jackson- I mean Mace Windu and his fellow Jedi nod with solemn understanding, while the Predators charge up their weaponry, the Xenomorph queen and her Praetorian bodyguard hiss excitedly, and the T-800's grin like the metallic skeletons they are.
Something about the Termies and Necrons just seems RIGHT…
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 166
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: “Urgh, don’t remind me about the =L= and their rejection…hang on, cameos? By us? By Rome, and Bladewolf and the rest? So wait, is Rome trying to find a way to cross between Narrative Continuities and join the official P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S storyline? I thought you said we couldn’t do that?”+Maybe have some of us as cameo appearances, heck who really expects the =L= Inquisition? Not even the Ordo Militant does, thay get a 'knock on the door' (a mushroom cloud of AWESOME REJECTION!)
Kyli: “No, I said we shouldn’t do that.”
Fenix: “But surely, as Donuter says it’s all Fan Fiction at the end of the day, and that’s what we need to fill in plot holes…”
Kyli: “Make no mistake, young Fenix - we do not fight for Lastie, we fight against the Plot Hole.”
Fenix: “Ah.”
Kyli: “Besides, don’t you prefer living in the posts of an author who can do this?”
Two random extras appear carrying a large sofa between them. They set it down and hand a cocktail each to Fenix, Kyli and Rome before bowing respectfully and leaving.
Kyli: Sitting down and crossing her legs, “See?”
Fenix: Sipping at his cocktail, “Well, okay, point taken. But I am a Ranger after all - it’s in my nature to want to explore the unknown.”
Kyli: “In that case we’ll just have to see what Miss Lastie makes of Rome’s request.”
Fenix: “Onto the story then?”
Kyli: “Yes, I think so.”
Kyli: “You have great taste, Miss Lastie!”give me smooth and sexy Eldar
Kyli: “Er...to a point, anyway.”or phallic-substitution Imperial Guard
Fenix: Shudders.
Fenix: “Oh, I don’t know…motion sensor? Psi-tracker? Primarch spider sense? Shooting at the source of the blasts with those insane reflexes you’re supposed to have?”Rogal Dorn: Deflecting the blasts from the now cloaked and invisible Predators with an interesting application of a storm shield. “Dammit! Where the hell are these guys? How am I supposed to defend against an opponent I can't see?”
Kyli: “Or if you’re really awesome like, oh say, an Eldar Farseer, psychically determine their position and then Mind War them into oblivion?”
Fenix: “Seriously, sometimes I think I could do a better job than these bloody mon-keigh.”
Fenix: “Don’t start referencing the problems of the real world!”Horus: Seeming to be genuinely upset. “Dammit! Those things are expensive to replace! Especially in times of economic recession!”
Kyli: “Still, since we’re here…”
Kyli: “…Horus for the new prime minister?” Grins mischievously, “At least he’s decisive.”Horus: “Screw you Mort; I will have an economic recession!”
Fenix: “Now that’s just screwing with the mon-keigh for the sake of screwing.”
Kyli: “It’s okay, I was joking. Don’t worry, I’m not going to let the Eldar in THIS narrative continuity degenerate into counterproductive random capriciousness on my watch.”
Fenix: “Khaine’s molten arse, is that even possible? What did he do, break apart and then reform himself?”which sends Horus flying in five directions at once, all coming to a crumpled heap under the holographic projector
Kyli: Shrugs “He’s a Primarch. A CHAOS Primarch.”
Kyli: Without speaking, shifts her body into a stance that another Eldar would recognise as the 13th Aspect of the Gesture of Superiority - contempt for a lesser race that thinks the complexity of its body language could possibly compare to that of the Eldar.Yoda: Adopting Badass Jedi Stance #256
Fenix: Adopts a corresponding stance of agreement, which translates roughly as “Oooh, BURNED!”
Fenix: “Argh! That little green bastard is using Netspeak again! That’s it, I’m crossing narrative continuities and killing him myself!”Stance of Certain Painful Pwnage.
Kyli: “Don’t worry, he gets his comeuppance.”
Fenix: “You scrying ahead?”
Kyli: “No, this time I’m just reading a bit faster than you are.”
Fenix: “Path of the Bookworm or Path of Awesome Guitar Solos, which would you have chosen?”
Fenix: “But…but that doesn’t make a lick of sense! Urgh, but I suppose does game balance ever? Whichever games developer nerfed the shuriken catapult, I’m looking at you! You know who you are!”Hecate: Shrugs. “So it seems my big secret is out. Luckily turning invisible also lets me see other invisible creatures. It's a game balance thing, honestly”
Kyli: “It’s all to do with the concept and ‘feel’ of an army’s play-style. Although, being nervous of our race suffering Critical Awesome Overload might have had something to do with it too. In any case I’m quite happy to sit back and laugh at the Marines taking all the hate.”
Fenix: “I suppose.”
Kyli: “This should be good.” Turns to Rome, “What do you think?”EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: “FUN?!? REJECTED!!”
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 167
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTKyli: “Fenix! Where have you gone now?”
Fenix: “I was just off to the Inquisitor forum to start writing the final batrep…why, what’s up?”
Kyli: “What’s up? A new chapter is up!”
Fenix: “What in the name of Isha’s retcon into a guinea pig for Nurgle? Already?”
Kyli: “Isha’s tears, Rome, are you sure you want to cameo in a story where they’re throwing crap like that about?”Yoda: S: special. Ap: 1. 10' blast template.
Don't bother rolling to wound, only primarchs can withstand the force of an exploding yoda. Anything that is not a primarch under the blast dies, with no saves allowed, eternal warrior is no protection.
Fenix: “I wouldn’t go near it until they’ve playtested it for brokenness.”
Fenix: “Uh oh, now he’s done it. I think I can hear the =L= approaching.”There is so much win that i do believe Tra- i mean the GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND wouldn't be able to contend with it.
Kyli: “Heh, let them. If they’re out smiting each other they’re not here dropping Rejection on us.”
Fenix: “I’ll say. Magnus, Alpharius and co have been drinking themselves blind for the last 300 years - how the hell did they get back here unaged and sober without creating another plot hole?”(the current time frame of PRIMARCHS is kind of being played fast and loose here)
Kyli: “I’m guessing that the Primarchs are once again invoking intentional author vagueness to give themselves New Powers As Plot Demands.”
Fenix: “And the Jedi Council show roughly the same amount of prescience they did in the films…”Mace Windu: Standing in amazement along with the surviving Jedi and Terminators. “We were never our allies? Traitors! Kill them a-ARGGH!” Screams as he melts into a puddle of liquid flesh and bone.
Kyli: “A lot of Star Wars fans would argue that Darth Sidious was using his own Force powers to cloud their vision.”
Fenix: “You’d be surprised at the arguments people will come up with to justify fail.”
Kyli: “Not everyone can be blessed with the precognitive badassery that we Farseers take for granted, I suppose.”
Fenix: “Oi!”Hecate: “You left a High Elf from a pseudo-medieval setting fantasy world in charge of orchestrating a space battle?”
Kyli: “I’m going to have to agree with Fenix and protest on behalf of our fantasy counterpart here. As you say, she’s a High Elf. Not as good as being an Eldar, but not far off. Surely the level of awesome inherent in such a fact should leave her capable of ‘orchestrating a space battle’?”
Fenix: “She couldn’t possibly do a worse job than Horus at any rate.”
Kyli: Tuts “Oh ye of little faith, Konrad. Personally I'm holding out for something resembling the complete ass-kicking the Eldar fleet handed out to the Primarchs near the end of the last arc.”Konrad Curze: “Hey, bet she screws up royally”
Fenix: “And if she DOES screw it up, we can say it was because she's a Blizzard elf and not a true Eldar.”
Kyli: “Quite.”
Fenix: “Wait a minute, is Macha with them?”Taldeer, Eldrad, and the elite of the Eldar.
Kyli: Rereads the text “Hmmm…inconclusive. She might be. Why?”
Fenix: “Didn’t you say that the three of them in a scene together might cause the universe to implode?”
Kyli: Squints at her runes “Normally yes. But in this case the chance of Critical Awesome Overload is lessened by the suckful presence of our Dark Kin.”
Kyli: “Based on what I’m seeing in these runes, their innate fail should counterbalance the scene enough to reduce the risk to an acceptable level.”Asdrubael Vect, and the other Dark Eldar stand to one side, looking quite bored.
Fenix: “Alright then, I’ll keep an eye on it.”
Kyli: “For the moment, just sit back and enjoy the impending awesomeness. And I don’t even need to look at my runes to be able to tell that awesomeness is imminent.”
Fenix: “And the mon-keigh have the nerve to call us poncy...”
Kyli: “We are. But what they fail to realise is that poncy and awesome are not mutually exclusive. I’m trying to think of an example that a mon-keigh could understand…”
Fenix: “Would this do?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1Zy3wgs764
Kyli: “Hmmm…you know what, for mon-keigh that’s actually quite impressive. Where did you find that, Fenix?”
Fenix: “I’m a Ranger. Exploring the far corners of the internet is what I do. Those of us who don’t fall prey to viruses, or get consumed by our dark passions on porn sites, eventually return to our homepage with novelties such as this.”
Kyli: “Matter of opinion...Gods damn it, there's got to be SOME way I can get Eldrad's autograph, he's only a couple of posts away!”Alpharius has the best lines...
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsChief Librarian Mu Rome. Psyker. =L= Inquisitor. Small Thrall fanbase. Destroyer of annoying creatures who disturb the peace and orderly conduct. And ally of Kyli and Fenix.
I'm going to start with a few things. As a Psyker, I do have limitied precognitive abilities. The following proves it right. If you read my previous posts, you'll notice that I wanted to Falcon-Punch Horus, mostly for saying silly egomaniac things, like wanting more lines. The PLOT HOLE must've tapped into my mind and manifested it, knowing also its end was coming.
Quoting Kyli: "Not everyone can be blessed with the precognitive badassery that we Farseers take for granted, I suppose."
My next point: Ideas. The power of Suggestion. Lastie merely asked for ideas. I mentioned a few and the crossover received replies that I didn't even think were possible. And theeeeeeeeeeeeeen I was somehow amist my dear friends. My thoughts? The PLOT HOLE brought into our reality characters from other realities. I'll accept Terminators, Predators and Aliens, but why JEDI!?
Rome: Crushing his drink on his right Marine gauntlet: "The PLOT HOLE MUST DIE! I propose a coalition to go in there and assist our brothers and sisters in arms to defeat the PLOT HOLE and any remaining forces. And... excuse me for a second, someone needs to be purfied..."
As he walks out the room he overhears someone talking. The Drifter claimed not to be an easy pray to who knows. Rome walked up to him in his AWESOME pose and said "Don't do drugs! Ummm... NO ONE expects the =L=!" and slaps his wrist gently, as in he broke it.
Rome: "Don't be a crybaby, you'll get it fixed. Emperor- damned crybabies."
And proceeding to return to his Eldar friends, Rome takes a seat careful not to break it due to the armors weight.
Rome: "I would be--"
TG#5: "My Lord, I respectfully request to use the refreshing facilities."
Rome: "I'm TALKINNG to my Farseer and Ranger buddies! YOU HOLD IT!"
TG#5: "My Lord, if I hold it any longer, I'll Die!"
Rome thinking of the consequences: "Then go forth, my minion!"
And as the Thrall barely makes it to the door his head exploded, due to the excessive mental pressure telling the bowels to hold it. Thrall#3 made a run for it also.
Rome: "Who gave you permission to go!? REJECTED!" he withdrew his Stormbolter and unloaded half a clip on the Thrall until only Bolter holes and blood remained. Holstering his wepon he looks at the Eldar. "What? Look, this would be as unnfair as fighting a Broodlord and a full Tyrant Bodyguard group on my own!"
Shifting, the Inquisitor faces the reader. The remaining Thrall Groupies look in awe with starry eyes, like anime ppl do when fantasizing about being real ppl with human rights.
Rome: "And now my favoured PRIMARCH momentS, yes. A lot. Again. #44. Roll Footage!"
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Horus: "Who cares? THRALLS! DEFEND YOUR LORD!"
At his call, hundreds of enslaved creatures throw themselves at the approaching terminators (the James Cameron kind, that is). They do little except slow the metal death machines down by clogging up their joints with bits of their bodies, torn to shreds by unceasing machine gun fire.
Horus: Seeming to be genuinely upset. "Dammit! Those things are expensive to replace! Especially in times of economic recession!"
+Hecate: "Who's ordering the fleet?"
Perturabo: "I left Sylvanas in charge, in case I get distracted by plot developments such as this"
Hecate: "You left a High Elf from a pseudo-MEDIEVAL setting fantasy world in charge of orchestrating a SPACE battle?"
+PLOT HOLE: "WH A T I S TH I S?!?"
Alpharius: "This is the end of the line!"
Rome: "I wholeheartedly agree the Al has the best lines and having all the fun. Or is he?"
+EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "FUN? REJECTED!"
+Hecate: Her massive blade repeatedly slamming down. Then raises a hand. "OK, hold up guys. That's enough; we've almost beaten him into the Warp!"
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "..I feel pain.."
Rome: "I didn't intend to insult The Emperor, but it does seem unusual. And me being a member of what? The Ordo Lastie is only known to its members, traitors, Warp entities and Chaos Gods. Anyone else even dares to THINK of a letter mentioned above and they'll get more than a slap on the wrist from us! You'll receive a special delivery {the =L= way}. And then if you somehow survive, read Lastie's disclaimer about pets and ex-SAS teams with US Rangers and a final slap on the neck, which won't kill you. It'll deny you the ability to walk for maybe a year or two."
And resumes to point out his exploits to Kyli and Fenix with his LEFT hand {The Powerfist/ Force Weapon}.
Rome: "Lord Lastie, please allow us to fight for you, and for the sake of our sanity. The 4th wall is no more thanks to the PLOT HOLE. How much more worse can it get?" ^.^
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 168
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionJesus H... dammit Alpharius! i knew you would ruin everything! damned sneaky alpha legion.
Inquisitor Eisenhorn "Good thing i didnt appear, my awesome level remains the same, Huzzah!"
O'Soryu "So what, am i dead or alive"
Farseer Macha (after reset) "Damn those Blood Ravens! Damn that Angelos they've doomed everything! they released the Maledictum, the Universe is doomed!" ponders for a second "I have a horrible sense that i used be awesome... by the path of Win is now gone from my sight, oh well, Im a C S Goto Eldar, and we all know what that means!"
Farseer Taldeer collapses with a thud on the Craftworld Ulthwe "Damn that was fun, but why can't a remember anything? ahh, i'll ask a Mon-kiegh next time BEFORE they give those beverages again, damned Sanguinius and his pretty-boy hair"
Alpharius, Primarch of the XX legion, the Alpha Legion, stands proud in his cave under Terra, giggling like a little girl to himself as he fingers a pendrive playfully, what's on that pen-drive... no one knows.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away.
Seto Kaiba "Screw the rules I have Money!" talking to his opponent who pointed out his glaringly illegal army of three Fire Dragon Squads all ten men (women?) all mounted in Falcons with another three Avatars in tow.
Farseer Eldrad appears next to him and snatches the Eldar Codex away from Kaiba and flips manically to his entry, after speed reading the fluff (Meow Crunch!)
Only to be interrupted by several squads of Ordo Lastie Stormtroopers
"Dammit, I am dead!" a Eldar curses
and all through the Universe... peace reigned once again... well, the Warhammer 40,000 variant of the word 'peace', which means a 3% drop in overall slaughtering.
and off note. Cold, understandable, but 12' of snow? what, where are you? because here we got like half a centimeter and they called of college, buses came to a stand still and the grit-squads were out in force.
What is this? the Apocalypse? This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes... The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - MASS HYSTERIA!
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTKyli: “Yes, which caused FarseerMatt to spend the evening running outside with his flatmates and starting a snowball fight with the kids across the road, meaning that we are left to fend for ourselves YET AGAIN.” She rolls her eyes.the UK's about 12" under snow.
Fenix: “Just business as usual then.”
Kyli: “Yes, but knowing it’s coming the day before it happens doesn’t make it any less annoyi-aaargh!” Grips her head and falls to her knees.
Fenix: “Lady Farseer…are you alright?”
Kyli: “I just got one hell of a psychic feedback from the official P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S narrative.”
Fenix: “By Kurnous’ lincoln-green tights! What’s happened?”
Kyli: “It all…makes sense now…”
Fenix: “What? What does? What are you talking about?”
Kyli: “I told you we couldn’t predict the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S plot…all the fate lines led to this one place and then just petered out…I thought it was the strain of trying to scry between narratives, but no. The plot just…ended.”
Fenix: “Oh gods! Lastie tried to include a Fire Dragon with a shuriken catapult and destroyed the entire thread, didn’t he? Damn you, mon-keigh! Why do you never listen to the subtle hints, or failing that, the OUTRIGHT PROPHESIES OF IMPENDING DOOM that we give you? Why?” Falls to his knees and screams at the sky “WHHHHHHYYYYYYYY!?”
Kyli: Standing back with her arms folded “Fenix?”
Fenix: Freezes in position and cocks his head questioningly.
Kyli: “I don’t think the story ended. It felt more like it was...looping back on itself.”
Fenix: Scrambling to his feet “Eh? Quick, let’s read it and find out what’s happening.”
Fenix: “So they WERE doing something productive with those 300 years.”Alpharius: Scoffs in disgust. “What? Do you think me some republic serial villain? I did it all three hundred years in the past before you even existed in this universe. All I have to do is have Magnus here say the final two words, and you're toast”
Kyli: “I have to say, I’m grudgingly impressed by Alpharius’ forward planning here. Well done. Almost a little too well done, in fact…”
Fenix: “Wow…that makes your earlier Author Filibuster about Goto look pretty minor.”Alpharius: <Insanely long rant>
Kyli: Shrugs her shoulders.
Fenix: Looks surprised.
Kyli: “What, were you expecting me to launch into another one to try and prove that anything a human can do an Eldar can do better? That would be trolling.”
Fenix: “I wasn’t suggesting…”
Kyli: “Yeah, it's okay, I know. Just remember Fenix, there’s a fine line between smug superiority and the moustache-twirling arrogance that leads to unrealistic stupidity and fan rage. We Eldar don’t need to make claims, we know how good we are.”
Fenix: “And that there wasn’t a TINY bit of an Author Filibuster?”
Kyli: “Hmmm, maybe…”
Fenix: “Gods damn it! Two seconds after rebooting the universe - for the second time, incidentally - and he’s already creating new plot holes!”Alpharius: Settling down with Alan Merrett's laptop (don't ask where he got it).
Kyli: “This is a weird feeling. By being outside the narrative continuity, I actually know more about what’s going on than ELDRAD.”Eldrad: “What? No … I think I'm fine. Probably just the precognition kicking in accidently again. Just remind me if I'm answering a question you haven't asked yet”
Fenix: “Wow. How does it feel?”
Kyli: “Disturbing. I’m not going Mary Sue am I?”
Fenix: “Nah. Mary Sues can do anything, whereas I know for a fact that you totally failed the Path of the Rubik’s Cube Solver.”
Kyli: “Hey, those damn things are impossible!”
Fenix: Pulls a completed Rubik’s Cube from his pocket “No they’re not - here’s one I did earlier.”
Fenix: “THAT IS NOT HOW YOU USE A HARLEQUIN’S KISS!”Alpharius: The Plot Hole basically took us up the ass with a spiked, poisoned, mono-filament-injecting sex toy.
Fenix: “Even the AUTHOR doesn’t know what is going on!?”Wait ... did they just delete 80-odd chapters of work? WTF?
Kyli: “Well this puts a whole new spin on the phrase lost the plot…”
Fenix: “First Alpharius reveals himself as a full-blown Author Avatar and now this?”
Kyli: “I’m starting to wonder, Alpharius seems to know more about what’s going on here than he should. I mean, I'm a freaking Farseer with the bonus of an out-universe perspective and he still beats me on the prediction front.”
Fenix: Slowly “Out-universe perspective...what if…what if he had outside information? What if, the author avatar Alpharius we’ve just been reading about is Omegon in disguise, and the real Alpharius is hiding somewhere OUTSIDE the narrative. Could he be Rome? Or BladeWolf? Could…could he even be…LASTIE?”
Kyli: Frowning at her runes “I wouldn’t rule anything out at this point. A common plot device is to make the undercover character the one you least suspect, after all.”
Fenix: “Oh. No wait, hang on, that doesn’t work. The last person I would suspect would be myself, because I’m the only one that I can be absolutely sure ISN’T Alpharius. But how to convince everyone else that I’m not just saying that because I actually am Alpharius…and…”
Kyli: “Don’t bother Fenix, even Eldar minds weren’t built to handle that kind of crap.”
Reflective pause
Fenix: “Is that it then? With the arc concluded, is that our job done?”
Kyli: “Fates willing, soon we shall be able to leave this thread and return to Reia-Hal.”
Fenix: “Didn’t it get blown up? In, like, our first appearance?”
Kyli: “It’s been reset, along with the rest of the universe. A perk of being ambiguously semi-canon.” Squints at her runes again. “But I sense there’s something around here we have to do first…”
Fenix: “Hey, look at all the other posts that have sprung up while we've been talking.”
Kyli: “Ah, that might be it.”
Fenix: “Hang on, look over THERE!”
Kyli: “What the…what in Lileath’s name is going on in BladeWolf’s post? Come on Fenix, Rome, there’s more commenting to be done!”
Using Kyli's arcane knowledge of the Rune of Editing, the three sprint off in the direction of the next post.
=============================
Fenix: “Hmmm…Ravenor was more awesome in my opinion.”Inquisitor Eisenhorn "Good thing i didnt appear, my awesome level remains the same, Huzzah!"
Kyli: “The fact that he trained with some Eldar for a while can't have hurt in that regard.”
Kyli: “Wait a minute, what’s going on here?”Farseer Macha
Farseer Taldeer
Kyli: “Oh gods no, don’t move! Bladewolf's concentrating too much awesomeness into too small a part of our parallel universe‘s narrative! It might collapse!”Meanwhile, thousands of miles away
...
Farseer Eldrad appears
Fenix: “What? But they’re not in the same scene!”
Kyli: “With characters this awesome, even thousands of miles might be too close!”
Kyli: “Ceiba ny shak! I didn’t see them coming!”Only to be interrupted by several squads of Ordo Lastie Stormtroopers
Fenix: “You’re a freaking…”
Kyli: “SHUT UP! For the gods’ sakes what are they doing…why aren’t they Rejecting this post? You mon-keigh fools - can’t you see what's happening!?”
Kyli: “No…oh, blood of our ancestors NO!” She draws her witchblade and twirls it into a high guard “We cannot allow this! TAKE THIS HUMAN DOWN!”Seto Kaiba "Screw the rules I have Money!" talking to his opponent who pointed out his glaringly illegal army of three Fire Dragon Squads all ten men (women?)
Spoiler: Lastie’s replyAlpharius: "Give up. You are Alpharius. Everyone is. Even I am"Fenix: “Oh. No wait, hang on, that doesn’t work. The last person I would suspect would be myself, because I’m the only one that I can be absolutely sure ISN’T Alpharius. But how to convince everyone else that I’m not just saying that because I actually am Alpharius…and…”
Lorgar: Confused as hell. "But ... we know you are ..."
Alpharius: "Do you? Can you really be certain I am Alpharius?"
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 169
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsLadies and germs of the Old and New World, Top and Bottom Hemisphere. An Injustice has been made and...Um, I'm just going to go ahead and redo my Favored PRIMARCHS moment #45.
Favoured quotes of the the episode
+Alpharius Is Not Shutting Up: "A great example: the Necrons when they first appeared were cool. These mysterious robots, the last survivors of an ancient race, that appear from nowhere and gauss-rape your ass. We knew barely anything about them, and it ROCKED."
Rome: "Also whoever used them camera flases without my consent is going to get smacked in the jugular with my 'strong' arm the next time."
Thrall Groupie #2: "Photo Op!"
The flash had the candlepower equivalent of a Nova Cannon shell going boom. Rome was having a blind episode worse than Jean Claude in Bloodsport and his powerfist was on.
"FETHIN BASTARD! Aaaaaahahaahahahhhhhhh!"
After 2 very long minutes, the Inquisitorial Psyker, looked around and saw the remaining Thrall Groupies dead. Necks broken, body parts missing or far away and one crushed skull.
Random Thrall Groupie writhing in its death throes: "Whyyyy my lord?--hghgggghhhhh--"
Rome: "Stupid flash cameras. And now News at 11!" ESPN music plays.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTIn the middle of BladeWolf’s fanon post, Faeseer Kyli blasts her way through =L= stormtroopers in a devastating and highly expensive display of psychic pyrotechnics.
Kyli: Her witchblade scything a white contrail through the air as she goes through her favourite DoW sync-kill animation, “And stay down! That one cost half this chapter’s special effects budget!”
She spins to meet another stormtrooper but before she can Eldritch Storm him into next week he is snatched back by the invisible energy bolt of an Eldar long rifle.
Fenix: “Welcome to your death, mon-keigh.”
He looks up and sees two stormtroopers running to take up firing positions.
Stormtrooper sergeant: “Go, go, go!”
Fenix drops his rifle, crosses his hands over his waist to draw a pair of shuriken pistols, and sprints towards them before leaping into the air. Time inexplicably slows down as he does so.
Fenix: In a comically low-pitch voice “D-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I…”
He turns a slow-motion somersault in the air.
Fenix: “…I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I…”
The two stormtroopers begin to look up as Fenix, still upside-down, arms outstretched, flies between them. His pistols are level with their faces.
Fenix: Pulls the triggers “…I-I-I-I-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!!!”
Time abruptly returns to normal speed, the stormtroopers’ visors shatter in a spray of perspex and Fenix lands crouched between them as they keel over backwards. The ranger looks around and sees that Kyli is now some distance away, having fought her way through the rest of the =L= stormtroopers.
Fenix: “Damn, probably shouldn’t have milked that landing…”
Kyli: Punching her open hand forward in a telekinetic push that sends three stormtroopers flying back as if yanked by a chain, “You mon-keigh fools! Get out of my way!”
A towering power-armoured figure steps forward to bar her path. She pulls up short as she realises it is Brother Captain Cristhios of the Frost Wolves (whom you may remember from one of BladeWolf’s earlier posts).
Cristhios: “Damn meddling Eldar! What the HELL are you doing causing trouble in my master’s post!?”
Kyli: “Trying to stop the narrative imploding from his gratuitous use of awesome characters!”
Cristhios: “And you’re arrogant enough to believe that it’s your job to fix it, xenos witch?”
Kyli: “Yes, as a matter of fact I am!”
She darts forward to attack Cristhios but is slammed back by a mighty blow from his relic blade, knocking her down on her back.
Kyli: Anxiously checking that she passed her Rune Armour save, “What…what the…?”
Cristhios: “You Eldar so pride yourself on your runes…well here’s a rather special one I picked up on that craftworld.” He holds up a small wraithbone sigil, “The Rune of Goto. It allows me to treat all Eldar models as a Preferred Enemy.”
Kyli: “Now that’s just needless author-bashing.”
Cristhios: “Enough of this!” He charges forward, “For the Wolf! For the Emperor! For the Ordo Lastie!”
Kyli: “For Reia-Hal! For -”
Abruptly everything vanishes, and Fenix and Kyli find themselves sprawling on the grass of the maiden world that they and Rome had originally come from, not far from the cinema.
Fenix: “What in the name of Khaine’s massively-overcompensating BFS?”
Kyli: “I…I don’t know. Hang on one second…”
Kyli: “Ah. I think I see what’s going on here. This reference confirms the bit in Bladewolf’s post about Alpharius hanging out somewhere away from the other characters with a pen-drive and a phone.”Alpharius: Yelling from the other side of the connection.
Fenix: “So?”
Kyli: “So that post is now canon. Which resulted in it being instantly transferred into the official narrative the minute Lastie posted the confirmation, leaving us stuck in the fanon narrative twiddling our spirit stones.”
Fenix: “Oh great. What about the Awesome overload?”
Kyli: “We can only pray we’ve done enough. It’s out of our hands now.”
Fenix: “So what do we do now?”
Kyli: Brightening “What we always do. Check out the latest chapter of P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S.”
Fenix: “Now I wonder what that means?”DAWN OF WAR ARC
Kyli: “Besides the painfully obvious reference to the RTS, you mean?”
Fenix: “Well, he might have meant the 40K scenario type…”
Kyli: “Sorry, but when it comes to the half-arsed 5th ed mission types and the daft concept of kill points for the Annihilation games in particular, I prefer basing games around the old 4th ed or even 3rd ed scenarios. As FarseerMatt‘s author avatar on this matter, I ban any discussion of that kind of Dawn of War from our conversations.”
Kyli: “Don’t tell Macha you said that.”plus he's dating the hottest Farseer since that chick from Dawn of War I.
Fenix: “I think we just found out what was on that pen-drive Alpharius was waving about in BladeWolf’s post.”Alpharius: “Of course I remember!!! I'm not exactly going to wipe my own memories from the continuity am I?”
Kyli: “That proves it. It’s become canon. I feel sorry for BladeWolf now. He’s going to have to be extra careful not to create plot holes.”
Fenix: “But didn’t they reboot the narrative to get rid of the Plot Hole?”
Kyli: “It could still come back if they’re not careful. After all, they erased the chapter where they defeated it.”
Fenix: “This could get paradoxical very quickly.”
Kyli: “Quite. Better leave it be.”
Fenix: “That sounds like the kind of ‘you can’t understand it’ cop-out that stopped BL writing a good Eldar POV novel for so long.”Horus: “Yeah, where was that whole sub-plot going?”
Alpharius: “I don't have the time or the inclination to indulge myself in the mental effort to try and explain anything to you right now.”
Kyli: “And they HAVE since released an Eldar novel that was to your liking?”
Fenix: “Let me get round to reading Eldar Prophesy and I’ll let you know.”
Fenix: “Was that a WHFB reference?”Alpharius: “Raised the taxes to 90% and the poor bastards still worship the ground I walk on.”
Kyli: “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never walked the Path of the WHFB Gamer.”
Fenix: “It’s reminding me of something the Warseers were complaining about in the new Bretonnian army book. And I have to say I agree. How the hell could 90% taxes work in practice?”
Kyli: “It’s Communism by another name.”
Fenix: “Yeah, but that didn’t work in practice either.”
Kyli: “Let’s stay on-topic and avoid a potentially sensitive issue.”
Kyli: “Excellent. Another potential enemy of the boys in blue.”This, naturally, has resulted in a long standing enmity between the Hell Bunnies and the Ultramarines.
Fenix: “You want to ally with THEM?”
Kyli: “Isha’s tears, no. But it might be fun to play them off against each other.”
Fenix: “I’m sure they’ll do it on their own - the latest Codex: Space Marines - or rather, Codex: Ultramarines - attracted more than enough hate from the SM player community. Why should we get involved?”
Kyli: “Normally you’d be right. But we’ve got just as much reason to be angry at the new codex as any SM player.”
Fenix: “How so?”
Kyli: Pulls out Codex: SM and leafs through it “Look at this page. See the galactic map? What does that annotation there say?”
Fenix: “The Ultramarines 5th company is conducting a campaign against ‘Eldar pirates’ around this nebula?”
Kyli: “Now look at FarseerMatt’s army fluff. By an insane coincidence, guess which craftworld is present in that general area of the eastern fringe, hiding within a series of nebulas and other celestial phenomena?”
Fenix: “Oh. Crap.”
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionwoo! wait... canon... oh dear...
(BladeWolfs Rants and mumbling, now with 50% extra caution!)
Surrounded by the bodies of the =L= Stormtroopers, Cristhios looks around for anyone else, all are dead and Eldrad is nowhere to be seen.
Cristhios: "Blasted Eldar!"
Cristhios: "Defeated? by the Primarchs, no, they let me live, why?"
the clanking of boots inform Cristhios if new arrivals
Holy cow people, we now have to be careful what we say... one wrong syllable and suddenly... well... we have to go through another 80 chapters to stop it!
Ahh! Quick, FarseerMatt, close the plot hole of how you escaped, or at least show that it will be revealed later in the thread! quickly for all that's holy!
Im actually looking forward to the next Arc, but to be honest, what are they gonna fight now? they have already fought the big ones, the C'tan (mainly) the glaring holes in the narrative, which i may point out, was a multi-continuity cross-over (WHFB, Starcraft, Warcraft, WH40k and various other series.) how Lastie is gonna top that, i have no idea... unless the Primarchs slowly hunt down the run-away developer Andy Chambers, the one who got away... to work on Starcraft II! (anyone noticed the sudden Niddyness in the zerg?) or Perhap they could... hunt down the most dangerous prey... Man!
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTKyli: "Wow, I'm better than I thought."Cristhios: "Defeated? by the Primarchs, no, they let me live, why?"
Fenix: "How do you mean?"
Kyli: "I managed to convinve the mon-keigh that I was merely allowing him to live, without even meaning to."
Fenix: "Don't you mean, without even trying?"
Kyli: "Oh, sorry, I'm not acting in character, am I? Of course I meant to do that. Just as planned." She glances quickly left and right.
Fenix: "Didn't we explain that?"Ahh! Quick, FarseerMatt, close the plot hole of how you escaped, or at least show that it will be revealed later in the thread! quickly for all that's holy!
Kyli: "Apparently not well enough. Okay Mr Bladewolf, let me try and put this in simple mon-keigh terms...it wasn't us that moved, it was you. Your post was displaced to the canon narrative, leaving us behind in the fanon zone."
Fenix: "That doesn't explain how we ended up back at the cinema."
Kyli: "Ah, right. Well, I imagine that the same time the official story rebooted and took Bladewolf's post with it, our parallel universe must have reset as well."
Fenix: "But the times don't match. We didn't reset until several posts after the reboot. In fact, until several posts after you COMMENTED on the reboot."
Kyli: "I'm guessing it takes time for the effect to spread between narrative continuities, that's all."
Fenix: "Right, cool. Plot hole averted. I think."
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsRandom Ultramarine Narrator speaking like the Pokemon Narrator: DISCLAIMER: Any random sayings are merely coincidental. Also the... Inquisition disavows any information involving its members, contacts, attaches, dossiers, liaison officers, Tyranid Rippers, Necron Lords and Vect. Screw Vect, he's not one of them.
Vect: "I heard that!"
R.U.N.:"In an 'alternate' episode, Rome and his two Xeno Scum Eldar "friends" Kyli and Fenix were facing the forces of evil and 'possibly' =L= agents led by a towering power-armoured figure; Brother-Captain Cristhios of the Frost Wolves *Narrator drools from describing the individual, like Herbert from Family Guy*, whom were 'unaware' that Chief Librarian Rome of the... Inquisition was in fact aiding the Xenos combat the dark forces. Suddenly reality either tore apart, or Alan's laptop has altered/rewound time. In other words, a step or two were taken back. Also the Ultramari--" Bolter shots were heard and traded along with several Bladestorms.
Random Dire Avenger: "JUST PRESS PLAY, U SICK MAN!"
Fenix : "That doesn't explain how we ended up back at the cinema."
Rome was taken aback by the comment and turned. :"What are you talking about? We? We never left!"
The two exchange looks that only their kin would understand.
+Kyli: 'Like, this Mon-keigh doesn't know a thing! Look at those glazed eyes, he got flash'd in the face.'
+Fenix: 'Give the guy a break. He's only a superhuman.'
Kyli: "I'm guessing it takes time for the effect to spread between narrative continuities, that's all."
Fenix : "Right, cool. Plot hole averted. I think."
Rome was still puzzled: "What Plot Hole? Last thing I remember were cookies consumed by some Commisar... I should pay him a visit, like Pie May... and moar PRIMARCHS Please!"
*Crickets are heard on the Po river, Italy.*
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 170 AND CHAPTER 171
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsRome gathered with a group of Ultramarines and Imperial Fists going against the Thousand Sons and the Emperor's Children in a game of Football {the non-American type}. The forces of Chaos are up 2-1.
Imperial Fist Coach: "All right Marines, I want you to go out there and crush the traitorous scumbags! Got it!"
Group in unison: "Sir yessir!"
Rome: "I guess its a good time to tell my Favoured moment?"
IFC facepalms: "Ok, Brother-Rome. Go ahead and don't skip on the prayers."
Rome: "And now, PRIMARCHS! Moment #45...? I guess. It is brought you by... wow. The HMS Invincible! I salute her past and present crew. Serve the Crown well, Royal Sailors!"
+Khârn the Betrayer, Starting Pitcher for the World Eaters: ..."Look; it's not a democracy here in the Eye. We haven't needed any sort of worker rights for the last ten thousand years of uncontested tyrannical rule, and we don't need any now."
+Firraveus Carron: Leaping to his feet. "METAL BOXES?!? METAL BOXES!!! THEY RIDE IN METAL BOXES!?!"
I concurr about the boxes... damned...darned proxy shoe boxes! And maybe Monoliths...
The team places their gauntlets together for that classic.
Random Ultrasmurf: "For the Imperial Truth!"
Random Fist: "For the Emperor!"
Rome: "For the Inquistion!"
All in unison: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH-- PRIMARCHS!"
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTThe close football match between loyalist and traitor space marines continues. In the stands, wearing blue and yellow scarves to show their support for the two chapters in Rome’s team, are Fenix and Kyli.
Fenix: “I don’t understand why we’re wearing these. We’re here to cheer on Rome, not all these random space marines.”
Kyli: Executes a complicated Eldar shrug, “A small price to pay.”
Fenix: “You do realise that we’re actively supporting the ULTRAMARINES? Home chapter of Marneus Calgar, fan-hate magnet extraordinaire?”
Kyli: “Let it never be said that the universe is without a sense of irony.”
Fenix: “Well it doesn’t seem to be helping much. The Great Enemy is 2-1 up.”
Kyli: “Hmmm, true. The mon-keigh are mucking it up as usual.”
As the ball sails into the air, Kyli gives it a psychic nudge to change its course slightly. It is now flying towards Chief L Rome. Rome pulls a backflip - in power armour, no less - and kicks the ball in midair so that it hurtles past the Chaos goalkeeper to equalise the scores. The crowd goes wild.
Fenix: Standing up and punching the air “Alright! Go Rome!”
Kyli: Smiling mischievously “As Eldrad would say: just as planned.”
The half-time whistle blows.
Kyli: “Well I think we did enough there to nudge the fate lines in the required direction. Let’s have a look at the latest.”
Fenix: “Cool. Random, but cool.”Rome: "And now, PRIMARCHS! Moment #45...? I guess. It is brought you by... wow. The HMS Invincible! I salute her past and present crew. Serve the Crown well, Royal Sailors!"
https://www.freefoto.com/images/22/0...ncible_web.jpg
Fenix: “Aargh! No! Oh gods, no!”Slaanesh: Hugging her stuffed, terrifyingly cute mutant abomination. “Aaah! So cute!!!”
Kyli: Frantically casting her Runes of Warding “Avert your eyes, Fenix! Do not look upon the corruption of the Great Enemy! Shea nudh asuryanish erreintha asuryanat!”
Fenix: “I thought you said the Eye of Terror would be wearing tinted contacts before GW declared Soulstorm canon?”Firraveus Carron: Sitting to one side (being, after all, an Alpha Legionnaire and filled to the brim with paranoia brought about by not being entirely sure what his own back story is, let alone that of his legion)
Kyli: Thoughtfully “Yes I did. Maybe that’s why one of their characters is trying to get a bit part in P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S.”
Fenix: “Lastie’s scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel a bit if he’s letting that poor excuse for a chaos lord in…”
Fenix: “I thought it’d be Carron who’d have that problem…”Lorgar: “Oh sorry Tarik. I forget you didn't exist canonically long enough to remember the glories of the old days. ”
Kyli: “Are you finished with the Soulstorm-bashing?”
Fenix: “No. The gameplay was alright but the background story was dire, as was the voice acting. As an Eldar I appreciate the aesthetics, or in this case, the lack thereof.”
Kyli: “Not to mention the bugs. I had to let the Warp Spiders purify half the files in my copy before it’d run properly.”
Fenix: “You walked the Path of the RTS Gamer?”
Kyli: “Course I did. You were Spirit_Stoner_849 right?
Fenix: “Yeah. How do you know that?“
Kyli: “Don’t you remember all the games you played with Eldar_Girl_327?”
Fenix: “That was YOU!?”
Kyli: “Who the hell let her back in?”Aerith/Aeris Gainsborough:
Fenix: Folding his arms “I guess they didn’t pay enough attention to the DEAD part of Dead Flower Girl…”
Kyli: “I’m getting worried now…what with this and She Who Thirsts’ “cute” toys, are we about to suffer another attack from the forces of Japanification?”
Fenix: “You’re the farseer. You tell me.”
Kyli: Rolls her eyes at him.
Kyli: “Isha’s tears, they’re still keeping those Moogles around? Do they have any idea how dangerous to the integrity of the setting that is?”Lion El'jonson:“Especially if those little runts get any ideas and start demanding pay to carry my helmet around”
Fenix: “Didn’t they rewrite the Watchers-are-Moogles thing out of the canon with Alan Merret’s laptop at the end of the first arc?”
Kyli: “I wouldn’t put it past the mon-keigh to screw it up and miss that bit out. Fenix, I need you to use your ranger skills to sneak back through the earlier pages of this thread and find out.”
Fenix: Clenching his right fist over his heart in the traditional Eldar salute, “Wisdom commands, lady Farseer.”
Kyli: As her companion turns to leave “Not just yet, we’ll finish the chapter first.”
Fenix: “And they have the nerve to call us effeminate! Half of those were girls’ names!”Lion El'jonson: “Ezekyle Joshua Susan Elizabeth Margaret Dixon-Cuthbert Alexandra Abaddon”
Kyli: Dryly “Yes Fenix, I believe that was played for comedy value.”
Fenix: “Not to mention the length of the thing makes it look like his parents were trying to mimic an Eldar ceremonial name.”
Kyli: “And failing. While I can understand why he’d want to take inspiration from us Eldar, his parents’ mon-keigh lack of imagination still shows. It’s too conservative for one thing; my dad’s ceremonial name was 50 syllables long. My guess is that Abaddon’s picked up some habits from the daemons he hangs around with. Are the true names of daemons not impractically long? Do they not seek to conceal their true names from others?”
Fenix: “With a true name like that I can see why he’d want to keep it quiet…”
Kyli: “I will watch this plot thread closely. This affects us as much as the mon-keigh.”Azrael: Throws his hands up in the air. “Fine! Let me lay it down straight – this chapter will not be connected in any way with this bitch and her insane plans to install a sense of justice and equality in this universe. If you are our Primarch and father, you will denounce you were ever involved with her and condemn this insanity. If you wish to defend her ...” Azrael's face grows dark. “Then I'm afraid the consequences will be 'serious'.”
Fenix: “How so?”
Kyli: “Any personal feelings against Aerith and her last crusade against Grimdark aside, can you imagine the chaos if the Imperium became free and just? We wouldn’t have anyone to talk down to.”
Fenix: “I thought we as a race wanted to bring about order?”
Kyli: “We do. It’s OUR job to right the discord in the universal opus and I’m not letting any bastard mon-keigh do it for us.”
Fenix: “Wow. Whoever their travel agent was he must have had a pretty morbid sense of humour.”Vulkan: Frowns. “We're going to Commorragh...
Fenix: “Hmmm. He’s obviously never been there.”...there is no 'nature' there”
Kyli: “No. And neither have you.”
Fenix: “Yes I have. Didn’t you read FarseerMatt’s campaign logs over in the[= forum?”
Kyli: “Sorry, I’ve been busy. Runes don’t cast themselves.”
Fenix: “Still, I’m annoyed by the mon-keigh’s statement. I mean, why would he think that there’s no nature in Commorragh?”
Kyli: “Something to do with the fact that Commorragh is permanently dark, which is not ideal for growing crops?”
Fenix: “What did he think the locals ate?”
Kyli: “I don’t know, I’m not very good at putting myself in a human mindset. They can’t even get their heads round the idea that their concept of logic need not apply to Eldar technology...”
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsAfter the halftime, Rome noticed his Eldar Super friends holding the flags of the Ultramarines and Imperial Fists, perhaps due to the lack of a better option than to hold She-Who-Cannot-Be-Spoken-Of's flag.
Khorne was pleased to know that blood would be shed and it got shed indeed: A Sorcerer casted Gift of Chaos on a random player to use as an interference blockade until it got shot by Bolter fire. THEN it became a classic Blood Bowl. The Emperor's Children fired disciplined Sonic blasts at Devastator squads until Terminators Deep struck and pummeled the oposition, leaving 2 injured, 6 dead, a depressed Inquisitorial Psyker and a blood coated Chaos God, smiling and rolling in puddles of blood.
Note: I want to start by saying thank you all for reading my postings, laughing {if any}, and enjoying PRIMARCHS! I spent valentines day in more sadness than joy, and the recent news felt like a bomb on me. To FarseerMatt; thank you for the pic, the ship looks great. I served in the US Army. I was looking in wikipedia about the Invincible and it touched me. Names like that, should be passed down, to show the meaning of 'living up to the name'. Some of the American Supercarriers have names of former Presidents {George Bush Sr.}.
I also want to add a moment of quiet for the 50 lives lost in an airplane crash days ago in Buffalo, NY. May their souls find peace...
Rome: "Despite the hilarious moments about to be read, we must remember the fallen, honor the dead and celebrate life, or toll hoarse every bell in the world for those who lose their lives, for us or by fate."
"Primarchs moments #46. In loving memory of the 50 men, women and children, this is for you."
Faboured quotes of the episode
+Ezekiel: "I've asked you many times not to call me that, Belial. Need I remind you my name already sounds dangerously close to the given name of a certain despoiler of worlds?"
Belial: "What? Ezekyle Abaddon?"
Lion El'jonson: "Ezekyle Joshua Susan Elizabeth Margaret Dixon-Cuthbert Alexandra Abaddon" Notices the glances of all assembled. "Don't ask me how I know that."
Rome: "Someone forgot to mention his other middle name: Tracy!"
Note: To Lastie & Readers; sorry I couldn't fit more moments, its just that... it was 50 people who crash landed in the {maybe THE coldest} city in NY. Those Citizens of Buffalo endured a blizzard close to Lastie's 12' about 2-3 winters back. And more moments another day.
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionCristhios: staring out into the void of the Warp "Unions..." shaking his head in disbelief "...fething Unions"
the serfs scurry around the bridge of the Claw Imperialus Battle Barge trying to look busy so the Brother-Captain wont hurt them. One looks up, his eyes showing his dreams of earning a fair wage and protection from the Marines.
Cristhios: "Hey you" the serf turns "Your already in a Union." the serf looks confused "Yeah, between my foot and your a*s" and with that Cristhios punts the Serf over several stations and back to his workplace.
Sergeant Corthos: reviewing a data-slate brought by one of the now worried serfs "My Lord, reports state that Lord El'Jonson of the Dark angels has decreed that all Adeptus Astartes stand again the DFG and her plans"
Cristhios: "Finally, something that make sense recently, time for some good old fashioned Violence and treading on people whom are of un-sufficient height... i assume he is calling for a extermination of DFG?"
Corthos: "Negative my lord, here is the full message"
Lion El'jonson: “So be it” His face is unreadable. “Send this message to the WNN news-teams: the Angels of Death will never accept a fair an just working environment. Send the call for all loyal space marines who still wish to carry the original vision of our immortal Emperor to resist democracy and equality! The Imperium is, was, and will always be a tyrannical and oppressive empire! GRIMDARK will remain! So say I; Lion El'jonson of the Dark Angels!”
Cristhios: "Resist eh? No crusades? someones whipped..." he shrugs in a manner that Eldar would find offensive and amusing at the same time due to the Power Armour mimicking him "Please alert Brother-Captains Furax and Mikaleus, we will invoke the ISOUWATTDTEHE Act" notice the look on the Sergeant's face. Cristhios sighs "The Imperial Stance On Unions, Workers, Attendants, Thralls That displease the Emperor's Holy Empire act of 25.M32, come on, its basic Imperial Truth tread-on-the-lower-classes following doctrine!"
The sergeant still stand with a dazed look and the Serfs are to busy looking busy to notice.
Cristhios sighs again
Cristhios: "What of the other Primarchs, please tell me there making more of a stand"
Corthos: "Umm, Primarchs Angron of the World Eaters, Vulkan of the Salamanders and Khan of the White Scars have gone on Vacation to..."
Cristhios: "VACATION!" he hangs his head "oh dear sweet Emperor, its a sad day when a Fourth Founding Chapter is more focused then the Primogenitors,
... what of the SmurUltramarines? surely they must be focused on this issue."
Corthos: looking over a fresh data-slate "Nope, they are watching a football game, apparently the Eldar of cheating for them"
Cristhios grimaces as he turns back towards the view-screen.
Epic Win, i want one!
Meanwhile thousands of narratives away!
Fenix: watching on a portable warp camera "Son-of-a! did he just flip me off!"
Now for a analysis of a few posts i picked up on after posting my first bit...
ahem
ahh, the Path we ALL have, do and will walk... Im looking at you Dawn of War II“You walked the Path of the RTS Gamer?”
...hasn't stopped you from letting us do it before...Kyli: “We do. It’s OUR job to right the discord in the universal opus and I’m not letting any bastard mon-keigh do it for us.”
Bolters... defined as a RPG i.e Rocket propelled with an explosive charge. How do the not have a Minimum range of 40 feet? more to the point how is every picture, artwork, story and computer game have them dipicted with muzzle flash? Logic doesn't apply to Imperial Technology at the best of times, and lets not get started on Ork Technology (Clap your hands if you believe!)Kyli: “I don’t know, I’m not very good at putting myself in a human mindset. They can’t even get their heads round the idea that their concept of logic need not apply to Eldar technology...”
Spess Mureenes... that is all, that one man did more Damage to the Space Marines then that Chaos Lord...Fenix: “Lastie’s scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel a bit if he’s letting that poor excuse for a chaos lord in…”
Solid Snake: "METAL BOX!"
so no one noticed the sudden change in direction? then again, this is a universe that thinks that killing a person born with their eyes to far apart is a good thing...As the ball sails into the air, Kyli gives it a psychic nudge to change its course slightly. It is now flying towards Chief L Rome. Rome pulls a backflip - in power armour, no less - and kicks the ball in midair so that it hurtles past the Chaos goalkeeper to equalise the scores.
This is Blood Bowl, when doesn't it go wild?The crowd goes wild.
[quote=Lastie]: "Ezekyle Joshua Susan Elizabeth Margaret Dixon-Cuthbert Alexandra Abaddon"
So thats why the Black Crusades fail. Thats the Imperiums secret weapon, every time Abaddon arrives of Cadia, they hang that from a giant signpost "Welcome back..." and the Chosen of Chaos fall over ROFLMAOing themselves to exhaustion, then (according to Dan Abnett) the Kasrkin show up and pretty much butcher them. Only the Emperors Children are spared because life with Slaanesh has the advantage of enhancing all senses and emotions, not just lust as some would have you believe... so they got their laughs out when they heard that Ezzie was having another crack at Cadia... after failing 12 times.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: "Son-of-a...! Did he just flip me off!?"
Kyli: "I thought you were off to scout the thread? What's the matter?"
Fenix: "See that bastard Cristhios? He just gave me the finger from across the Warp!"
Kyli: "What the...I thought he was in the other narrative now?"
Fenix: Holds up his palmtop camera screen "He must have sent it through by Warp-Mail. A bit like that random gamer who texted you a few chapters back."
Kyli: Shudders "Don't remind me. Okay then, let me see..." She peers over Fenix's shoulder "Ceiba ny shak! Well feth you too, mon-keigh!" She sticks a hand up to the screen and makes a gesture that would get her kicked off most civilized Craftworlds.
Fenix: "Don't say I didn't warn you."
Kyli: "What else is going on in that post anyway?"
Kyli: "Does the pawn take credit for the chess-player's victory?"...hasn't stopped you from letting us do it before...
Fenix: "Ooh, nice counter."
Kyli: "Thank you. I knew I'd find a use for my time on the Path of the Argument Demolisher. The trick is to always answer a question with another question."
Fenix: "Why do you do that?"
Kyli: "Well why shouldn't we?"
Fenix: "Oh, well then..." Grins "Ah, I see what you did there."
Kyli: "What was the question again?"
Fenix: "Who's job it is to save the universe."
Kyli: "Ah yes. Well it's ours. You mon-keigh are only allowed to help when we manipulate you into doing so. Trying to do good of your own volition is right out. So you'll save the universe only when we want you to, and you'll bloody well be happy about it!"
Fenix: "Plus if you start doing things right on your own for a change we won't be able to bemoan your ineptitude and feel all smug when we step in ourselves."
Kyli: "And we can't have that. We've got a tradition of arrogance to live up to after all. Right, next question."
Fenix: "Maybe the bolter shells are propelled out of the gun by a standard charge and the round ignites shortly after clearing the barrel? And the bolt is a contact explosive rather than a timed one."Bolters... defined as a RPG i.e Rocket propelled with an explosive charge. How do the not have a Minimum range of 40 feet?
Kyli: "Probably from the charge Fenix mentioned. The spent cases spraying out of the side of the gun, however, are presumably artistic liscence on the part of the mon-keigh painters and games designers. See, not so illogical at all."more to the point how is every picture, artwork, story and computer game have them dipicted with muzzle flash?
Fenix: "Then at least Lastie has shown some standards in not letting HIM into the story as well."Spess Mureenes... that is all, that one man did more Damage to the Space Marines then that Chaos Lord...
Kyli: Facepalms "There's this thing called subtlety, human? It might be a difficult concept for a space marine to grasp, but at least try. It's not like I was making the ball pull a 90 degree turn in midair."so no one noticed the sudden change in direction?
Fenix: "Or the Pictionary..."lol funny story- i think it would be funny if they all came together for christmas- imagine the chirades!!!!!!!!!!!!
https://darealwurld40k.deviantart.co...0k-03-78076794
Kyli: "Fenix, where DO you keep finding this stuff?"
Fenix: "Well, I am a Ranger. Going places and finding stuff out is kinda my thing."
Spoiler: Lastie’s responseSlaanesh: "Oh, I know this! I can speak a bit of Eldar ... let me see ... 'I look good in pink'?"Kyli: Frantically casting her Runes of Warding “Avert your eyes, Fenix! Do not look upon the corruption of the Great Enemy! Shea nudh asuryanish erreintha asuryanat!”
Tzeentch: "Yeah ... that's about it. I can see those 'Speak Fluent Eldar in 1 Week' lessons are paying off ..."
Hecate: Peering into the barrel. "Er ... Lastie. Are you OK down there?"Fenix: “Lastie’s scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel a bit if he’s letting that poor excuse for a chaos lord in…”
Lastie: "OMG! I've totally found new characters to play with!"
Eldrad: "If you get your ass handed to you by JustAsPlanned99, that'll be me ..."Fenix: “You walked the Path of the RTS Gamer?”
Asdrubael Vect: "Whatever's in Wal-Hammer-Mart Value food ...seriously, like I give a damn what the slaves cook up. So long as it's tested first and no one keels over dead ..."Kyli: “Something to do with the fact that Commorragh is permanently dark, which is not ideal for growing crops?”
Fenix: “What did he think the locals ate?”
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 172
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsOur trio or EPIC heroes {Chief L. Rome, the AWESOME Farseer Kyli and SUPER Ranger Fenix} were checking their Warp Message System. Almost every faction has one. Eldar/Dark Eldar Use Web-Mail, the Imperium/Chaos have AstroCom, Tau has T'au Online Limited {or TOLL due to their small sized empire}, Necrons use an advanced Morse Code and Orks... they use smoke and shouting. The Eldar duo exchange ideas.
Fenix : "Who's job it is to save the universe."
Kyli : "Ah yes. Well it's ours. You mon-keigh are only allowed to help when we manipulate you into doing so. Trying to do good of your own volition is right out. So you'll save the universe only when we want you to, and you'll bloody well be happy about it!"
Rome: "You guys aren't cool."
Fenix : "Plus if you start doing things right on your own for a change we won't be able to bemoan your ineptitude and feel all smug when we step in ourselves."
Kyli : "And we can't have that. We've got a tradition of arrogance to live up to after all.
Rome: "Ooooh. I guess the arrogance is important. But the Imperium has EGO! And Horus...Damn Horus..." looking in 'that' general direction {that's you}, resumes chatting. "Umm and now PRIMARCHS!"
ESPN theme plays {Kyli and Fenix wonder where that sound come from everytime}
Moments #47, brought you by...the GRIMDARK Galactic Warp Mail & Messaging system. Servicing the Galaxy since The Fall. Friend and Fiend alike.
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Horus: Holding up a dead infant, having impaled itself on his spiky armour after being thrown. "I guess we can describe PRIMARCHS as a literal dead baby comedy now... I mean, was that actually necessary? Was a tomato too far away to reach madam? Did you have to throw your-" Checks the baby's gender "-son at me?"
Rome: "For once, we agree. Who throws infants towards spikes? Honestly?" Rome then recieves a mail.
From: Skull_throne@AstroCom
To: ChiefL.Rome@AstroCom
Subject: MOAR BLOOD
MOAR BLOOD BLOOD BOWL! BLOOD BOWL BLOOD BOWL! KILL MAIM BURN MAIM KILL! Give into my demands or I will send my Bloodchuck and Brass Scorpions at you. I... also know what you did last month...
Sincerely,
-Big K
POST NOTE: it took me 15 FETHING TRIES to make this post RIGHT! Now I can bathe peacefully.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTKyli: "But I played him only last week! That means...that means..." She visibly trembles "I got beaten at Dawn of War by THE ACTUAL ELDRAD!"Eldrad: "If you get your ass handed to you by JustAsPlanned99, that'll be me ..."
She slides slowly off her chair and forms a puddle of robes at Fenix and Rome's feet.
Fenix: "Er...lady farseer?" No response "Lady farseer? *Sigh* Oh well, looks like I'm doing this chapter's comments on my own then..."
Fenix: "What if that WAS the back way? Imagine if they'd tried to fight the long way round? Well, Horus would have been so tactically incompetent that Eldrad probably needn't have bothered warning the Emperor that he was about to be betrayed..."Covering most of Europe, with the throne room situated over former Nottingham (where else? Of course this does place the throne severely off-centre compared to the general layout of the palace. Wonder why no one thought of blasting through the back way)
Fenix: "My gods! By the Swooping Hawks' plasma bird-poo of doom, you mon-keigh DISGUST me! That's it, I'm not commenting on this chapter any more!"Horus: Holding up a dead infant, having impaled itself on his spiky armour after being thrown. “I guess we can describe PRIMARCHS as a literal dead baby comedy now … I mean; was that actually necessary? Was a tomato too far away to reach madam? Did you have to throw your-” Checks the baby's gender. “-son at me?”
He turns to Rome, whose face has become rather serious as he reads his latest email.
Fenix: "Something the matter, Rome?"
Rome: Starts rather violently "What? No, nothing, no problem. I'm definitely not being sent blackmail demands by one of the four Chaos Gods if that's what you're thinking." He glances rapidly left and right.
Fenix: Stares at Rome for a long time "Okay..."
Rome: "Hey, look! I'm sensing that a new character has joined our narrative continuity!"
Kyli: Sitting up rather suddenly "And you know what that means!"or something of that nature i'm not even sure why i'm posting anymore all my posts are starting to sound alike.
*gun shot*
Ordo Latie Inquisitor: ignore this fools message and continue reading the thread, if you think your finished restart.
Fenix: "What? Oh, you're awake. I don't know, that we should go and say hi?"
Kyli: "No, I'm talking about Dawn of War. If I was playing against JustAsPlanned99, it means I was just an instant message away from Eldrad and I FORGOT TO ASK HIM FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH!"
Silvanol's spirit stone: Glowing rather sulkily in Kyli's pocket "Hey! Just because I haven't said anything in a few chapters doesn't mean I'm not listening! I'm starting to think you care more about Eldrad than the guy you're supposed to be going out with."
Rome: "Er...she's seeing a talking gemstone?"
Fenix: "Oh, sorry Rome, you weren't around for that chapter were you? That's the spirit stone of Kyli's boyfriend Silvanol. He recently got killed off by a Slaaneshi daemon in FarseerMatt's 13th Black Crusade fluff."
Silvanol: "Yeah - gee thanks, FarseerMatt, worst retcon ever!"
Rome: "So she's seeing her DEAD boyfriend. You Eldar are creepy."
Kyli: Now cupping the spirit stone in her hands and stroking it in a soothing manner "I'm sorry Sil, I wasn't trying to upset you."
Silvanol: "Hmph, okay I'm sorry too. It just seemed for a minute there like you'd forgotten about me."
Kyli: "Oh come on, I remember right back to when I first met you on the Howling Banshee path."
Rome: Looking interested "So you were a Howling Banshee before you were a Farseer?"
Silvanol: "No actually, that was me."
Rome: "Wait...what? I thought Howling Banshees were girls!?"
Silvanol: "Most of them but not all."
Kyli: "I like an Eldar who's in touch with his feminine side. Plus, he was drop dead gorgeous. Look at this photo he sent me before our first date."
She holds up this picture.
Rome: After a long pause "Right..."
Spoiler: Lastie’s responseAsdrubael Vect: "What's so wrong about that? They don't complain, argue, talk back, or comment on your sexual performance (or lack of it) when they're dead. My second favourite kind ... after comatose little girls ..."Rome: "So she's seeing her DEAD boyfriend. You Eldar are creepy."
Eldrad: "You sicken and disgust me. And to think we went to the same high school ..."
Asdrubael Vect: "Oh yeah ... hey, remember that hot chick in class with the huge-"
Eldrad: "No. Now be quiet. There's another chapter approaching ..."
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsNOTE: Thanks to FarseerMatt for capturing the essence of Rome's 'suspicious behavior'. Hopefully you'll describe him doing shifty-eye movements and making completely false assumptions of things that make no sense at all, like Peter Griffin.
Rome observing previous posts: "Daredhnu... I hope I got the name right...seems like an upstanding Imperial citizen, worthy of recognition. As are you, nameless citizen."
Random nameless citizen: "M-my name is Tim, s-sir."
Rome: "Is something wrong, 'Tim'?"
Tim observes with awe, the tall superhuman in power armor and his unusually large left gauntlet: "I never seen a Space Marine before and... XENO SCUM BAGS!!" pulls out a Boltgun from his back and Rome snatches it from him like candy from a baby.
Rome: "Do you know who that man and woman are, son? They are Kyli and Fenix. And the stone Kyli's talking to is her dead boyfriend who shall become a Wraith...lord, I think."
Both Eldar swell their chests by Rome's comment with arrogance of EPIC level, worthy of their kin. Even the Spirit Stone gives a bright shine. Tim looks at them with contempt.
"And take this as a token of great service to the Imperium. Next time Timmy, put a clip of Shells. An empty gun is useless."
After Rome inspects the empty weapon, he gives him a badge of citizenship the size and weight of a manhole.
Tim cannot bear the weight of 'AWESOMENESS' :"I think I'm going to have a Hernia, sir."
Rome: "Nonsense! And now... PRIMARCHS moments #48! {ESPN theme plays again, and Fenix is attempting to lock onto the annoying source to take it out} Brought you by Lastie. Thanks for 'Quoting' me. FINALLY recognition from My Lord!!! Have a beer Tim!" and slaps the thin man. Unable to support the weight any longer, the lack of balance sends him backwards, causing broken ribs and a punctured lung.
Tim writhing in pain: "It... hurts... ow..."
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Sanguinius' Thoughts: "I'm so gorgeous. My sister's gorgeous too. We should make out. It will be so beautiful that will totally cover up the whole 'wrongness' of it. What am I worried about? The people love me! Men want to be me, and women wet their adept robes at the thought of me! Anything I do is acceptable... anything! I could kill kittens and they'll adore me for it... hey... that actually sounds like a laugh... now where could I find a kitten around here?"
+Rogal Dorn: "A strike!? Servants of the Imperium do not go on strike!!!"
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Now they do. I'm not sure what went wrong; I stood before them and delivered an AWESOME speech (which I wrote myself, so it's practically grade-A AWESOME on paper) and stood there in a pose scientifically studied to produce maximum amounts of WIN... and they just continued to throw rotten fruit and babies at me. I don't understand. Normally people just follow what I say without question."
Horus: "Perhaps they're finally seeing you for the egotistical, xenophobic, megalomaniac that you are."
+Sanguinius: "Screw this! I'm the bloody Sanguinius! Men want to be me! Women want to sleep with me! Men do as well! And children (although I turn them down on the principle I'm not Vect... yet, at any rate)" Storms off in the direction of the balcony yet again.
+Horus: Shakes his head. "I may be a twisted follower of Chaos, but I have some standards. I don't kill unarmed servants. I could kill a steak, however. Where's the kitchen in this place?"
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Jerks his thumb over his shoulder. "Five miles that way"
Horus: "Oh for the love of-!"
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionRecaf... makes the Imperium go round, all people from all walks of life drink its fine, refreshing essence, from Imperial guardsmen to the greatest Adepts, and even the Emperor's Own, the Adeptus Astartes indulge in it, if only occasionally in between bouts of merciless killing and slaughter of Xenos, Mutants and Heretics. and now to my personal favorite Captain, his sergeants and his brothers as they finish what was left of an Eldar war host
Bolter Fire roars like the drum of thunder in the air, interlaced with the sharp snaps of the Eldar Shuriken weapons ,the stench of cordite, phosphorus, promethium, spent plasma and spilt blood fill the nasal passages of Astartes and Eldar alike.
Veteran Sergeant Cyrus: yanking the chainsword clean from a Howling Banshees torn chest "See brothers! the Eldar flee before the Emperor's might!" lifting the bloody chainsword and point towards the sight of Eldar retreating towards a flicker of eldritch light in the distance
The Assault Squad roars their approval as they too finish what is left of the Xenos, meanwhile across the battlefield.
Veteran Sergeant Harwk: moving across the ground at speed to find the captain, in his grip was a letter of rather important notice, something the Astropath's picked up from Holy Terra "Captain, i think you need to see this" he calls into the vox
Captain Cristhios stand atop a fallen Autarch. Autarch Jon'a'than had mistaken this Imperial world as an easy raid for his pirates, clearly the Xenos did not expect the Emperor's Space Marines. Cristhios did however notice the reluctance of the Eldar Farseer to enter the battle proper, only dispatching a squad of neophytes who closed on her position.
Captain Cristhios: "This should teach you alien" waving the thunder hammer covered in Eldar internal liquids.
Autarch Jon'a'than: with less then the required blood supply currently within his crushed form of a body, he has trouble working up the trademark arrogance of the Eldar "Well feth you too, mon-keigh!" the Eldar clearly walking the line between life and death "You are doomed! doomed mon-keigh! if not we, then the Hive Mind, or Great Enemy!" the Autarch spits on the boot of the Astartes, the white armour is discoloured, depurified by Xenos blood. in return Cristhios puts a bolt between the eyes of the Eldar, which in turn splatters most of Cristhios inner thigh in blood and gore. he raises his eyebrow in a 'knew that would happen yet i did it anyway' manner.
"Captain, i think you need to see this" echos through the vox
Cristhios pivoted on the spot to see Sergeant Harwk trudge towards his Captain, his proud white armour despoiled by the mud and fluids of the battlefield.
Cristhios: "what sergeant?"
Hawrk: "we have received an Astropathic message from Holy Terra itself."
Cristhios: raises an eyebrow "go ahead, what is the message"
Hawrk hands over the data-slate
Cristhios: facepalmsThe EMPEROR OF MANKIND! welcomes his only daughter (correction: only genetically-engineered daughter. He's got plenty of others conceived the normal way) with a bemused smile on his face.
Cristhios: "i would say my faith in Mankind has been shaken, then i remember one sickening fact, this man designed me" takes a sideways glance at Harwk "Perhaps that's why we stick to our... Brothers...and not the sisters as much" after that Cristhios shuddersTHE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: “Welcome back. I see Horus is as apt at making entrances as he always has been. Looking disturbingly attractive, Sanguinius. I thought I told you about that? Stop making me want to sleep with you!”
Hawrk: "the Neophyte wing of the Chapter Monastery is worse"The 'social entertaining room' of the Imperial Palace, large enough to harbour a football pitch or two, is cluttered with towers of dirty laundry that almost reach the ceiling.
Cristhios: "Maybe, but I bet the Emperor's laundry doesn't smell like genetically enhanced teenagers going through puberty... with enhanced mental and physical functions..." [I}he remembers his time as a Neophyte, but back in those days, if a Scout wasn't knee deep in the dead then he wasn't training hard enough, nowadays he though despondently, the entrance exam was to easy these days.[/I]
Cristhios: mimics Hours' expression "Why do we follow this man?"Horus: “Try leading through proper social skills and leadership values”
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Frowns. “What are they?”
Horus throws his hands up in the air and despairs.
Harwk: "Maybe because hes the EMPEROR OF MANKIND, I mean, He is made of Win and Awesome, He is..." he stops when Cristhios glances depleasingly at him.
On hearing this, the entire 4th Company face palms, the Terminators have to be careful not to crush their own skulls. the Assault squad try not to cleave their own skulls in two with their Chainswords, the Devastators try not to drop very large guns on their toes. and Neophytes look a little apprehensiveSanguinius: "What's so perverted about knowing that everyone alive wants to have sex with me, and quite eager to let them? I call it civil duty"
Cristhios: "Civil Duty eh?"
Cristhios: stops all action for a second "Cant... Quite... Remember... Eldar... Ranger...Farseer... oh damn its gone"Rogal Dorn: Unnecessarily melodramatic. “This could be a greater threat to the Imperium than the machinations of the Plot Hole ...”
Hecate: “That didn't happen, Rog”
Cristhios: looking over the battlefield, seeing the dead Eldar and Marines finishing off the wounded ones "Im gonna need some Recaf after this."
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTKyli: Frowning at her runes "Oh dear."Cristhios: looking over the battlefield, seeing the dead Eldar and Marines finishing off the wounded ones "Im gonna need some Recaf after this."
Rome: "What's the matter?"
Kyli: Shows him the scarlet, sickle-shaped piece of wraithbone in her hand "It's the red moon."
Rome looks at her blankly.
Kyli: "Symbolising the blood of Eldanesh?"
Still blank.
Kyli: "One of the worst portents there is?"
Rome glances left and right as if to check that she is actually talking to him.
Kyli: "It means something really bad has just happened?"
Rome: "Oh right, you're referring to BladeWolf smiting all your Eldar friends in the other narrative."
Kyli: "You sensed that too?"
Rome: "Well I am psychic, you know. Why couldn't you just come out with it straight rather than reference obscure alien myth cycles that I'm obviously not going to understand?"
Fenix: "Er...hello? We're Eldar?"
Kyli: "Oh there you are, Fenix. Where were you?"
Fenix: "Trying to find out where that damn music was coming from. What are you smirking at, Rome?"
Rome: "Hmmm? Oh, nothing. Hey look, a new chapter!"
Kyli: "Sounds like some of the seers I know."Tzeentch: “All possibilities are equally valid, and all validity are equally possible. What has happened, will happen, and is happening. What will happen, has happened, and is also happening. As I speak an unverifiable quantity of equally possible circumstances exist in parallel to each other, occurring simultaneously in accordance to laws unspoken since the dawn of time. Time itself is circular, with no beginning or end. What is, will be, and was. As I eat this bagel, I have already eaten the bagel, and I will eat the bagel at some point in the unverifiable future-”
Fenix: "Your Seer Council dinners must be very boring."
Kyli: "Not really. If you're feeling lazy you can levitate the food into your mouth. It's always funny to watch the psychic tug-of-war when two farseers accidentally pick up the same kethlari fruit. A lot of telekinetic food fights get started that way."
Fenix: "I suppose a FEAR-themed chapter was inevitable given Lastie's recent change of avatar."Falal: “He's attending a FEAR meeting in another dimension. Copyright infringement prevents me from contacting him, so I'm not sure when he'll get back”
Kyli: "Quite. I didn't need my runes to see that one coming."
Fenix: "What does FEAR stand for anyway?"
Rome: Looking very pleased with himself "First Encounter Assault Recon."
Fenix: "Oh."
Fenix: "Wait a minute! Magnus only has ONE eye!"Magnus: “Erm, not quite. I'm leading an assault on Fenris. I've been attending several inspirational meetings recently, and my eyes have been opened...”
Rome: "Figure of speech."
Fenix: "That didn't stop Falal from changing another figure of speech to 'for our sakes' to make it accurate. Khaine-damned lazy mon-keigh and their inattention to detail..."
Kyli: "This is a disturbing development."Magnus: “Our mission goal is to make all non-psychis pay … pay for their bigotry and prejudice! THEY WILL PAY WITH THEIR LIVES! THEIR LIVES!!” Begins to cackle maniacally.
Rome: "I agree. As we are psykers it may not threaten us, but this latest scheme by the Ruinous Powers can hardly be good for the galaxy."
Kyli: "Indeed. But remember that as characters in a separate narrative continuity we cannot directly intervene."
Rome: "Not YET we can't...but BladeWolf managed to cross over - all we need is for Lastie to write us into one of his chapters and WHAM!" He makes an over-enthusiastic sweep of his power fist and swats over a nearby tree.
Fenix: Ducking out of the way "Hey, watch it! So what do we do now, lady farseer?"
Kyli: "What Eldar do best. Watch. Study. Wait. The pieces are moving; we must wait and see how the game develops."
Fenix: "Then I suppose all there is left to do is to welcome a new group of characters to the narrative:"
[QUOTE=Chief L. Rome;3328567]Daredhnu... I hope I got the name right...seems like an upstanding Imperial citizen, worthy of recognition."[/QUOTE
Kyli: "Although strangely, the Ordo Lastie inquisitor does not appear to have been named."
Fenix: "That reminds me! I didn't find the source of that damn music, but I did see Daredhnu and his inquisitor in the distance."
Rome: "Who was it then?"
Fenix: "I got a photo, but I don't think you're going to like it. The implications are quite big."
Rome: "We've seen virtually every parody and crossover imaginable in the story so far - how bad could it possibly be?"
Fenix: "Well..." He opens his hand to reveal a memory crystal that produces this hologram.
Kyli: "Bloody. Hell."
Spoiler: Lord Aulianas Darakathos’ fan-fanfictionI HAVE RETURNED! *cue ominous music, cue dramatic lighting, yadda yadda yadda*
Been working on that "Lost Legion" fluff. May have worked it out fully, I'll have to see how it plays out. At any rate, this means the DRAMATIC RETURN O--
Aulianas Maltias, Lord Aulianas of the Dark Titans: Heya Hiya Howyadoin.
..... fine. Ruin my dramatic entrance. Don't make me put you back in Da Box.
*A light shows on a stage, becoming brighter and revealing Lord Cypher, formerly, and technically currently, of the Dark Angels Legion, chained to a table with a very deadly looking laser approaching Cypher's.... important bits, Maltias standing over him laughing maniacally while holding a white, fuzzy mammal of unknown species and origin.*It's like watching a small collection of evil geniuses who meet up every Friday evening for tea and biscuits slowly piece together a global-spanning empire of evil dominion. Soon we'll have lasers in moon bases and making the lives of secret service agents everywhere a living hell. Mwhahaha!
Cypher: I shuppose you ecshpect me to talk?
Maltias: No Mr. Cypher, I expect you to cry like a little girl! And then die. Although, I suppose we are currently talking... *proceeds to ramble on as the laser draws closer.*
Maltias: Puts "History Repeats Itself" in a bit of a new light, eh? Besides, while you may have eaten the bagel, and be eating the bagel, Tzeentchian sorcery and Eldar h4xx0r skillz are likely enough to change that bagel into some form of croissant, while managing to eat someone's soul or look cool while doing it, respectively.[COLOR=Gray][COLOR=Gray]Tzeentch: “All possibilities are equally valid, and all validity are equally possible. What has happened, will happen, and is happening. What will happen, has happened, and is also happening. As I speak an unverifiable quantity of equally possible circumstances exist in parallel to each other, occurring simultaneously in accordance to laws unspoken since the dawn of time. Time itself is circular, with no beginning or end. What is, will be, and was. As I eat this bagel, I have already eaten the bagel, and I will eat the bagel at some point in the unverifiable future-”
Kainias, Loyalist Aulianas: I figured it was Fricking Eldar Are Ridiculous?Tzeentch: “What's this FEAR standing for anyway? Assuming, of course, it is some lame acronym for some equally lame society … like DAMNATION ...”
Maltias: Ridiculous in a good way or in a bad way?
Kainias: Depends on which army you play, eh?
I roll 3d6 for 'Pickup Line!'Slaanesh: “I doubt it. Magnus has the social skills of a brain-damaged Ork on drugs. He probably still thinks flirting is a type of combat manoeuvre”
.... I got a 4.
Malitas: Yeah! Power to the People! Give Us Liberty Or... well, Eat Psionic Blast I suppose. Don't think it'd be all that easy to keep psykers repressed when a considerable amount of them can explode your brain.Magnus: Turning a deeper shade of red in embarrassment. “Erm, not quite. I'm leading an assault on Fenris. I've been attending several inspirational meetings recently, and my eyes have been opened to the injustice psykers face in an increasingly anti-psychic world. I mean, how long has it been since we last enjoyed a good Psychic Phase on the battlefield? Its departure is a fantastic example of the prejudice my kind suffers, and it ends now! I'm rallying my sons to war, and I seek your blessings, my gods” He bows formally.
Magnus: Picking himself up from the floor. “Friends to Execute Alma's Revenge. It's a pro-active society heavily against discrimination of psykers, psychics, scanners, telesthetics, whatever-you-want-tothem. Our mission goal is to make all non-psychis pay … pay for their bigotry and prejudice! THEY WILL PAY WITH THEIR LIVES! THEIR LIVES!!” Begins to cackle maniacally.
TO BE CONTINUED …
Kainias: Yeah, but there is the fear of all the bad things. It's like rolling a d6:
1: Nothing happens.
2: Your powers are haywire.
3: Commissar shoots you because you twitched the wrong way.
4: Your Head Explodes.
5: A daemon eats your soul and makes you kill and eat your wife and sleep with your chickens.
6: You manage to wipe out that one squad of guardsmen.
He used to have two, but there's a reason Magnus and Russ never got along until this fanon....Fenix: "Wait a minute! Magnus only has ONE eye!"
Magnus: STOP POKING ME!
Russ: *Holds up Baby's First Spear o' Divine Retribution* NEVER!
Kainias: Depends upon your outlook on life. As an Imperial, I happen to believe that would be Horrily Wrong In A Very Bad Way. If you like your oceans to be made of blood and your trees to try and eat you, well, it's good for you then, I suppose.Rome: "I agree. As we are psykers it may not threaten us, but this latest scheme by the Ruinous Powers can hardly be good for the galaxy."
[quote=FarseerMatt]Fenix: "Well..." He opens his hand to reveal a memory crystal that produces this hologram.
Maltias: Kainias... get my gun.....
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsRome sees his Eldar friends who are concerned about the future of their race as a whole from time to time. The Red Moon had no significance initially to the Ordo Las... Chief Librarian. As Kyli and Fenix exchanged ideas, he looked back on the story of Eldanesh and his failed rebellion against Khaine. Most FAIL in Eldar history since their War in Heaven.
Rome repeats some Random quote: "It's like watching a small collection of evil geniuses who meet up every Friday evening for tea and biscuits slowly piece together a global-spanning empire of evil dominion. Soon we'll have lasers in moon bases and making the lives of secret service agents everywhere a living hell {Don't forget the plans for Preparation H.'}." Using his Psychic Hood, he makes a Warp Message.
ChiefL.Rome@AstroCom: Janet!
Wardrobe~Freak@AstroCom: Yes?
ChiefL.Rome@AstroCom: Those 'Nids need to respect our space! FIRE!
Wardrobe~Freak@AstroCom: OK:P :b :P ;]
ChiefL.Rome@AstroCom: And stop making faces. Stopit Stopit STOPIT!
On a distant system, Four vessels fire a combination of Macrocannon, Lascannon, Nova Cannon and Exterminatus fire at a splinter fleet of 'Nids.
Wardrobe~Freak@AstroCom: the largest ships have suffered serious damage and lost coherency. I think w blew their brains out.
ChiefL.Rome@AstroCom: Well done! You will receive a certificate of achievement for your efforts. The crew will get medals.
Unable to hold it anymore, Rome makes a Megaman X victory pose. Makes an left uppercut and flames shoot out from the Fist vents: "YEAAAAAAAAA! We win we win Stoopid 'Nids, stooped 'Nids..."
Kyli & Fenix: "What is wrong with you?
Rome: "Umm.." Looking around and 'innocent' with his left neon red fist. "Contemplating this Psychic coalition. The 'nids should not be a part of it, because the Hive Mind has yet revealed itself to us."
I want to be serious for a moment and this one is no different.
primarchs moments #49. Brought you by the Bible. Life's Instruction Manual when you need it most.
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Magnus: "... I'm rallying my sons to war, and I seek your blessings, my gods." He bows formally. A great Silence follows.
Khorne: "Whatever. Go kick ass."
Tzeentch Waves a hand in casual dismissal: "Whatever makes you happy."
Credits:
Lastie as PRIMARCHS! Staff
FarseerMatt as Fenix & Kyli
MutantMaggot as Himself
Lorcryst as Himself
Lord Auliana Darakathos as Auliana Maltias
BladeWolf as Brother Captain Cristhios from some-4th- successor-obscure-Chapter-that-gets-things-done
Oh and one MOAR thing...
Fighting Eldar Against Ratlings was my other answer... ^.^
There's lots more, but I need to reformat it, which I will do ASAP!
Last edited by Azazeal849; 10-26-2017 at 07:47 PM.
Spoiler: My RP links
PM me for novelised versions of any of my RPs, or ones that I have participated in. Set by the awesome Karma.
Next section.
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 176
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionFrost Wolves stride proudly down the hallway that would lead to the Governors office, this worm had submitted to the pressure and allowed the Union-riots to overwhelm him, now it was time for the Angels of Death to... correct his mistake.
Captain Cristhios leads Command Squad Dragon in the Governors office as a single twitch of Brother Calius' powerfist reduces a rather large and expensive door to splinters. Inside the six Space Marines are greeted with a vista of guards carrying lasguns. the Governor is stood in what seems to be royal attire as if a squad of Space Marines breaking down the door to his office was an everyday occurrence.
Governor: with a smile of smugness on his face "Ah Captain, I see you have arrived, care for some recaf while we chat?"
before the Captain could retort the guardsmen raise their weapons and begin to loose several las-rounds into the doorway, the MkVII plate resists the pitiful attempt to stop the Astartes.
Cristhios: "The tree of freedom must be watered with the blood of martyrs!" pulls the trigger on his bolt pistol, blowing a nearby guard to bloody offal as the rest of the squad engages. the dozen or so guards go down in less then a second to the boltgun fire, Brother Decius' vaults a overturned table to bring his power sword down on a traitorous guardsman. Soon the Governor is alone, surrounded with Astartes.
Cristhios: "Governor Palidus, you have been found in contempt of Imperial doctrine, as a result" casting a hand toward the large windows that line the wall behind the governors' desk, the ground beneath is teeming with Imperial workers and other adepts, their cries ring through the city "Your world is in chaos, you have failed to keep control of your duty and populous, even with four regiments of Imperial Guard you still failed, in fact you had them slaughtered, this alone is enough to sign your death warrant several times over!" Cristhios raises his bolt pistol eye level with the Governor. "How do you plead!"
Governor: "Innocent! I was..." he is cut off as a bolt round destroys his skull.
Cristhios: " A plea of innocent is guilty, guilty of wasting my time!" he smirks afterward "Always wanted to use that"
Cristhios moved to the now stained window and stared out to the masses charging the remnant Imperial Guard position that the Frost Wolves had pulled out of the hot zone near the Dermot mountains, dispersed among the battered line were squads of Astartes. A bolter can indeed kill a man with a single shot, but mathematics dictate that a 45 round sickle clip can only kill 45 men, and against a rabid horde of disgruntled people, even the Astartes would be hard pressed to defeat them all quickly. Cristhios quickly picked on some of the banners being waved around by the rioters declaring 'Clorith' only to be countered with 'CloTif' a further few feet down the line.
"Captain" the vox crackled in Sergeant Harwk's voice
Cristhios: tapped the vox button "Go ahead"
Harwk: "We have received word, the Lion is moving against the Dead Flower Girl!"
Cristhios: with an outburst of elation "Excellent, this should be over soon!" Cristhios panned his eyes towards the sky.
Harwk: "But my lord, some more depressing news, it seems the Thousands Son have invaded Fenris!"
Cristhios: blinded by fury "WHAT! What of Lord Russ, and Lord Magnus! has he finally descended to Warp Psychosis? what of Master Ragnar, with the Fortress Monastery only three sectors away, the Tooth of Fury and Steel should be more then within strike distance to provide aid to the Space Wolves!"
Corthos: "Captain, we need support down here, the traitor PDF units have formed an Armoured push and the Devastators are out of position!"
Cristhios: looking back to the skies "Worry not brother, reinforcements are coming!" as he spoke, the whites clouds high above them became streaked with jet trails, the 5th Company now descended as the Emperor mailed fist.
Harwk: "My lord" He was cut off for a second with the definable scream of a human that had encroached to close to Harwk's Tactical squad. "Master Ragnar has said nothing, and the Tooth has been ordered hold position until the situation becomes clear"
Cristhios nodded, if they rushed to Fenris, it could be seen as an insult to the Space Wolves, and Lord Russ was not an enemy you wanted to make.
"For the Great Wolf! For the Emperor! For the Imperium!" the Massed Assault Squads roared as they sailed from the rally point just behind the line. Cristhios could make out Captain Furax leading his beloved 8th Company to battle to coincide with Captain Mikaleus' Drop assault.
Cristhios smirked, time for war
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 177
Spoiler: Lord Auliana Darakathos’ fan-fanfictionCarius Maltias stood, facing a large pictscreen, showing images of destruction and chaos. Even from behind his hood and silver mask, Kainias could tell he was smiling. The time had come.
With the impending war of the Imperium and Chaos upon themselves, there had never been a more convenient time. It was fortunate that the Dark Titan's ascension would come soon as well.
Carius Maltias, as dramatic as ever, turned from the screen, facing the assembled Marines, each in heavily modified Mark VII plate. He held in his hand a dataslate containing a single message:
The Eagle and The Dragon rear their heads, their necks exposed for the killing blow of the Void.
Maltias: Brothers of the Void! Too long have we waited in obscurity! Too long have the Imperium and Chaos crushed all hope, all freedom! Too long have they twisted the minds of the oppressed! No longer. The Imperium fights amongst itself, over these 'unions,' and Chaos has, as ever, fallen to internecine warfare. The time is now to strike! We shall bring the purity of annihilation to the bleak darkness of the 41st Millenium! The Dark Titan calls, the Nemesis calls! Come, brothers, join me in waging a war so great that even the Chaos Gods shall tremble at our name!
As he spoke, the entire might of the XXI Hidden Legion, the Voidblade Seraphim, cried out in triumph. The Imperium had long since cast them out, and destroyed their records of the Legion. It would be their undoing.
They had kept them a secret, for they did not follow the Emperor, nor the Chaos Gods, but something.... else.
Carius Maltias crushed the slate in his fist. The galaxy would burn, and the Aspects would be satiated.
Personally, I've always disliked the name stealing of football, much for the same reasons shown in Lastie's intro. And I'm American.I don't but i do grow tired of the hate from Europe about it. Don't get me wrong i think lastie's stories are great. i'm just tired of the hate about American football. It's one of my favorite sports.
*Four dozen Imperial Guardsmen relax in a mess-hall type room, having been granted their daily Union break. A few discuss trivialities, and a pair of massive, hulking Catachans in the back swap poetry. Don't ask. This room, however, is not our target at the moment. We should be far more concerned with the seven Voidblade Seraphim Marines behind a doorway, with an Inquisitor Lord and his personal retinue of five Dragonhunter Marines, roughly the equivalent of Deathwatch or Grey Knights.*
Maltias: Alright, according to the auspex, there are no less than 48 Imperial Guardsmen behind this doorway. I've no doubt that we can take them, but we might take casualties, something we cannot afford at the moment. Altus, have any frag or melta charges?
Lord Inquisitor Altus: First, yes, I have a krak charge. Second, why don't we just charge through the door? Third, don't order me around, heretic.
Maltias: Listen, human. The only reason why we're allied is because the Author deemed it so, which is also the reason why I've not reduced you to an unpleasant stain. In addition, we need the element of surprise. So I figure that I'll do something they aren't expecting. Hand me the charge.
*Obviously pissed off, Altus hands a krak charge to Maltias. He places it on the door, and primes it. Everyone stands back. Suddenly, the charge goes off, sending debris and shrapnel flying into the mess hall. Maltias jumps in, holding a pair of large swords.*
Maltias: I'VE GONE FRAKKING CRAZY!
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfiction"My lord, Terrible news!" Cries the internal Vox as Captain Cristhios and the other Frost Wolves clean peasant blood of their armour.
Corthos: "What now?"
Vox: "Well..."
With this the entire 4th, 5th and 8th Companies, along with the attached elements of the Venerated 1st company are for want of a better term, flabbergasted.Aerith/Aeris: “... and my thanks goes out to those brave individuals whose selfless actions have placed themselves in the line of danger for our great cause. Thanks to their efforts, however, we have now received reports that the Imperial Palace and surrounding districts have been added to the Union. The Emperor of Mankind lies trapped within his own palace by your brothers and sisters”
Lion El'jonson: “We hope that soon my father and my siblings will see the truth as I have, and come to acknowledge the Union has the future of mankind” He places an arm around Aerith/Aeris, and stares down at her lovingly.
Corthos' mouth opens and closes several times, staring at the small vox-caster in the corner of the room.
Harwk begin re-armouring, already knowing where this is headed, Captain Furax looks at this power sword (of the Master Crafted variety (They will never take them away!))
Captain Cristhios: being genre-savvy as only a author avatar can be, facepalms. "Tracy H Emperor" shakes his head slowly, "The Emperor of Mankind, trapped in his own house..."
Suddenly, heroic music begins to play, similar to the 'Ultramarine's Chant from Chaos Gate' Cristhios raises his head, knowing his next course of action.
Cristhios: clicking the Vox rune on the wall to Fleet "This is the Master of the Steel Wings, send now the call of War! Heresy, has risen its ugly head. Let we, the Emperor's Angels of Death! The Adeptus Astartes, the Space Marines! stand against it. Rally our brothers, call to our cousin chapters! The Wolves of Russ, the Hands of Manus, to all who will answer! The Astartes will march to war against the Union of Mankind this day! We shall bring unto them the Emperor illumination! Let us show these Upstarts, just who rules this galaxy!"
Furax: "What of the Lion?"
Cristhios: with a bite of hatred "He has shown his true colours, if the Dark Angels will stand against us then so be it! The EMPEROR OF MANKIND! is in peril unlike any before, he may actually have to LEAD his people, which in itself a terrible and dark time if there was one!"
Vox: "Umm My Lord, what gives you authority of Canon, Lastie-written Characters?"
Cristhios is stumped until responding with;
Cristhios: "Ok, cut those two, replace with more of our creators Marine armies, the Imperial Ligers!, the Dominus Nox! and the little known about army of Marinius Winnius!
BladeWolf: "Yes i did name an 750 point army that, they hold a 5-0 win streak so far, so dipping Marines in shining gold effectively is working :P"
Corthos: "Wait a minute Dominus Nox? is that Night..."
Cristhios: <Penetrating stare>
Corthos: "Oh now thats unfair!"
BladeWolf: "See Shadow, i haven't forgotten about you guys, i just have slightly better games to play other then WAR!"
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTOn a forested hill several kilometres away from the building commandeered by the Lastie inquisition, Fenix lies concealed in the undergrowth. Perfectly still, his chameleoline cloak shifting hue to blend in seamlessly with the bushes, he zooms in on the building using the sophisticated multi-spectral scope of his Eldar long rifle.
A loud, tinny rendition of the Magic Roundabout theme tune shatters the silence.
Fenix: “What the...!?”
Rome: Scrambling to switch off his mobile phone “Sorry.”
Fenix: “Does the word ‘stealth’ mean anything to you?”
Rome: “I did say sorry! And anyway, if anyone heard me I can just mind-screw them into forgetting it. What’s going on down there?”
Fenix: Putting his eye back to his rifle scope “That Inquisitor’s got the place locked down - I’m having to use my infrascope to see through the walls. They’re gathering around some kind of device that’s giving off shed-loads of emissions.”
Rome: “What is it?”
Fenix: “No idea. Maybe Kyli could cast her Farsight over there and find out...hey, where’d she go?”
Rome: “Well, that’s what I was going to tell you before you started ranting about stealth. I just got a text message saying that the latest chapter of P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S is up.”
Fenix: “But then surely Kyli would be here to help us read it?”
Rome: “Well that’s just the thing...”
Fenix: “Good grief, you mean Eldrad not only just referenced OUR side-story, but summoned Kyli across the narrative to the OFFICIAL plot? That leaves her in the same boat as Bladewolf!”Eldrad Ulthran: Via the crystal-communications throughout the craftworld. “Would the seers Yui, Illia, Macha, Duyvia, Kyli, and Taldeer please report to reception immediately?
Rome: “And where one can go many may follow! Finally, we can bridge the gap between narratives and take the fight to the enemies of the Ordo Lastie!”
Fenix: “I don’t know about that...”
Fenix: “She Who Thirsts, She Who Thirsts! Get it right, mon-keigh - we’re not talking about VOLDEMORT here!”Taldeer: “Indeed he is. There's a reason why he's lived as long as he has. Remember the old saying 'their arrogance is equalled only by their fire power'? Well Eldrad has arrogance enough to wield it like the fist of an angry god, and I'm Eldar – I know what an angry god can do when she sets her mind to something”
Mephiston: “Slaa-?” Notices Taldeer's horrified expression. “I mean She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?”
Rome: Peering in the direction of the fortified house with his psychic sense “That’s funny, I’m pretty sure the Inquisitor just flinched when you said that...”
Fenix: “Say what?”
Rome: “Meh, probably nothing.”
Fenix: “You know, maybe Taldeer wasn’t referring to She Who Thirsts. Morai-Heg for example got pretty active when she wanted Khaine to do something for her.”
Rome: “How did that work?”
Fenix: “She got her kids to follow him around singing In This Moment songs at excessive volume.”
Rome: “Ouch. And this is where the idea for your Howling Banshees came from?”
Fenix: Impressed at this display of knowledge of Eldar culture “Correct. From what I hear new initiates on the Banshee path spend a large amount of time listening to Arch Enemy, In This Moment and Walls of Jericho and learning to emulate the vocals.”
Rome: “I don’t get it though. If Khaine and Morai-Heg were married and happily settled down with kids, couldn’t she just have ASKED him?”
Fenix: “They’re gods Rome. They don’t have to make sense by our standards.”
Fenix: “That’s interesting. On Reia-Hal it’s right hand over left. How strange.”Macha: Greeting Taldeer with the accepted display as discussed on the Path of Greetings (kiss on both cheeks, right side first, while clasping hands, left over right, if you really wanted to know).
Rome: “Wow, big difference.”
Fenix: “In a language system where a slight repositioning of one foot can change the meaning of a gesture from ‘pass the salt’ to ‘I slept with your sister’ yes it is. But if you want truly bizarre, when I was in Commorragh I learned that the Dark Kin greet each other by thumbing their noses.”
Rome: “Weird...”
Fenix: “Although now I think about it that might have just been them slagging me off...”
Fenix: “Damn! I was hoping the Lion would have killed her then and there, but it appears the mon-keigh cannot be counted on to get it right. Again.”Lion El'jonson: “We hope that soon my father and my siblings will see the truth as I have, and come to acknowledge the Union has the future of mankind” He places an arm around Aerith/Aeris, and stares down at her lovingly.
Rome: “Never mind. It just gives me the chance to kill the pretentious anime girl myself...” He looks ahead for another quote and realises they’ve reached the end of Lastie’s post “Hmm, that was over quickly.”
Fenix: “Yeah, short chapter.”
Rome: “What are those guys down there up to now?”
Fenix: Looking down his rifle scope once again “Don’t know, but if it’s anything to further the cause of Aerith then they’ll encounter the wrath of an Eldar.”
Rome: “And how will that go?”
Fenix: Darkly “Roughly the same way a sentence encounters a full stop.”
Spoiler: =BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionCristhios notices a Eldar Farseer looking around in dazed fashion, her hand clamped to the side of her head. Eldar blood seeping from under it and staining the robes.
Cristhios invoke the prayer of Author Avatar and discovers...
Eldrad Ulthran: Via the crystal-communications throughout the craftworld. “Would the seers Yui, Illia, Macha, Duyvia, Kyli, and Taldeer please report to reception immediately?Moving up to the eldar.Fenix: “Good grief, you mean Eldrad not only just referenced OUR side-story, but summoned Kyli across the narrative to the OFFICIAL plot? That leaves us in the same boat as Bladewolf!”
Cristhios: "Welcome to the main narrative, Farseer" raising his Relic Blade "Round two?"
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTKyli: “Oh, you have got to be kidding me…”Cristhios: "Welcome to the main narrative, Farseer" raising his Relic Blade "Round two?"
Still trying to gather her wits, Kyli just about manages to twist out of the way of the Space Marine’s first blow. She succeeds in forcing him back temporarily with a telekinetic push.
Cristhios: “Argh!”
Kyli: Defiant despite the deep cut on her head (inflicted by the rough landing after being hurled between dimensions, if you must know – see, BladeWolf didn’t just create another plot hole) “Don’t mess with me, mon-keigh! In FarseerMatt’s last battle I managed to win a close combat against a Grey Knight justicar!”
Cristhios: “Yeah right.”
Kyli: Twirling her witchblade up into guard position “It’s true! He charged me, I got first attack from my higher Initiative, one attack, one wounding hit, and he rolled a 1 for his armour save.”
Cristhios: “Pfft. I eat Chaos Lords for breakfast. Beat that.”
He attacks, forcing the Eldar back in a frightening display of speed and skill. His mighty blows beat down Kyli’s parries. She raises her hands in a last-ditch defence, but although the psychic barrier absorbs most of his next attack the force of the strike still sends her crashing to her knees.
Cristhios: Raising his blade high “In nomine Imperator.”
Suddenly one of the spirit stones on Kyli’s robes glows brightly.
Silvanol: “Oi! Leave my girlfriend alone!”
A pulse of psychic force flares out of the gem, knocking Cristhios back and allowing Kyli to get to her feet.
Kyli: Coughing “Couldn’t you have done that a bit earlier?”
Silvanol: “Sorry, all soul constructs got hit with the Wraithsight nerf in the last codex rather than just the Wraithguard, so I’m a bit slow to react to changes on the battlefield.”
Kyli: “I cast Guide and Fortune on us both, and you still manage to roll a 1?”
Silvanol: “To be honest I’d be wondering why being in your pocket doesn’t qualify as being within 6” of a Farseer and thus immune.”
Cristhios: “The Emperor writes the rules in this narrative, alien. Your pixie tricks won’t work here.”
Kyli: “Want a bet?”
She drives a white-hot lance of psychic energy straight into the Space Marine’s head.
Cristhios: Staggers, catches himself, and then grins “Plot armour.”
Kyli: “You’re a...you’re an Author Avatar!”
Cristhios: “BladeWolf’s own, no less.”
Kyli: “To the Warp with this! I need a plot twist to get me out of here!”
She pulls a rune into her hand with a jerk of telekenisis.
Silvanol: “The Rune of Aaron Dembski Bowden?”
Cristhios: “NO!”
There is a blinding flash of light.
==============
Farseer Kyli does not so much step as topple through the wraithgate on the unnamed craftworld, robes dishevelled, honey-blonde hair disordered, blood still running down her face from the cut on her head, and generally in a very sorry state.
Kyli: “Eldrad’s never going to believe this…”
Kyli: “Obviously he can.” She sighs “Isha’s tears, but sometimes he really is a dick.”Eldrad Ulthran: “You're late. Not that I haven't already foreseen this occurrence, of course. I'm just saying you better have a damn good excuse. Which I've already foreseen … and they're all shit”
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 178
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: “Well, there's quite a lot there worth commenting on...”
Kyli: From the other narrative “Wait, one thing first. Before we adjourn the meeting, Eldrad, I've been meaning to ask you this for about 20 pages now - can I have your autograph?”
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfiction"By the Emperor, sometimes the Eldar are stupid"Fenix: “Well, there's quite a lot there worth commenting on...”
Kyli: From the other narrative “Wait, one thing first. Before we adjourn the meeting, Eldrad, I've been meaning to ask you this for about 20 pages now - can I have your autograph?”
Sergeant Corthos looks up from his work station towards the Master of the Steel Wings, Captain Cristhios. whom is standing proudly as he gazes into space.
Corthos: "How so?"
Cristhios: "For one well... they don't give themselves extra organs, secondly, for all their 'foresight' they miss something so obvious, like say one of these" holds up what seems to be a sniper bullet, but something is defiantly different.
Brother Lakios, the resident pyro-technician, the Only Marine to be kicked out of the Deathwatch for being overzealous with an Incinerator. enters the command bridge. "You requested me, my lord?"
Cristhios: "Yes I did, send thanks to your Inquisitor friend, the Ordo Xenos has been very helpful."
Corthos: utterly confused "Helpful in what? last Apocalypse Campaign they decided that the Chapter Master of the Ultramarines was a filthy Xenos and proceeded to burn to a crisp!"
Cristhios: "Maybe Sergeant, but do you have any idea what this is?" he holds the bullet so Corthos can see.
Corthos: "Other then a sniper bullet I have no idea my lord."
Cristhios: "Is was originally used to track Necrons when they phase out, but a few adjustments by the Ordo Malleus has made it work on the Telesthitic field produced by a Gamma-level or higher Astropath instead of a basic homing beacon, it also accentuates the field by way of mental excitation and chemical increase, this combined with technology that is Tau in origin, used during Damocles to kill Imperial Guard astropaths, but the Adeptus Mechanicus have altered is ever so slightly. It releases a chemical that also reverberates the psychic field and psyker lights up within the warp and in turn, all psychic's nearby will resonate in return, which through causation makes the warp glitter to the navigators, which in turns allows them to home in on the signal."
He smirks "When say... laced in a anesthetic and shot into say... a Xenos Farseer, the psychic resonance is immense already, enough to track over a short range, say a star system, but as I mentioned before, surrounding fields also resonate. this normally isn't important but say... if said Farseer would to say... enter a Craftworld. well I think you get the idea."
Corthos & Lakios: "Whaa?"
Cristhios: facepalms and pinches the bridge of his nose "The Craftworld would light up like the second astronomicon!"
Now it dawns on the Sergeant and Brother where they have gone, their eyes widen with the idea.
Lakios: "Captain, we have found a Craftworld before, why all this?"
Cristhios: "Different Narrative" he replies deftly
Lakios nods in acceptance.
"May I present, Craftworld... what-its-called" the Old Navigator booms through the Vox.
And indeed out the viewscreen is a craftworld, constructed of wraithbone and gilded by a million experienced hands and songs. the curves of the towers seem as one and unbroken, even the gun ports and turrets seem as if they were never separate. Cristhios' breath is taken away from him, the immense feeling of smallness pressures him as the great ship seems to extend beyond his battle barge viewscreen.
"Thats a big ship" whispers a bridge serf.
Corthos: "Aye boy, it is"
Lakios: "How in the Emperors name are we gonna fight that thing?"
Cristhios tosses him a copy of the Space Marine codex, Lakios flips through the pages until he lands on what the Captain wants him too.
Lakios: "Horrific Casualties?" the way the words sound spell out the battle brother's concern.
Cristhios: snaps back "I will not be cheated from my prize!"
The smug grin reappears
Cristhios: "And thats what these guys are here for"
A serf's head shoots up from the console he is manning "Captian, multiple Warp-rifts... Astropath determine, Imperial markings state Segmentum Ultima! Battleships confirm, almost twelve of them, five of them are confrimed" the serfs eyes widen "Emperor Class"
Cristhios turns back to the viewer and smiles, "We are the Angels of Death..."
Spoiler: Lord Aulianas Darakathos’ fan-fanfictionAltus staggers, blood flowing from several wounds, and gazes in despair at the remains of the Dragonhunter Marines arrayed around him. Carius Maltias stands triumphant above them, his Voidwing Titans casually leaning against walls, or already repairing and cleaning their gear. They have only taken minor battle damage, such as scratches and dents. Only a single Marine had fallen.
The Dragonhunter Marines had put up a fight, and the Imperial Guardsmen weren't as illprepared as Maltias had led Altus to believe. They were no match, however, for a squad of Marines that had been fighting alongside one another for night on eleven thousand years.
The Voidwing Titans did not replace the fallen. After two thousand years of fighting, they'd stopped needing to. Each Voidwing was capable of matching a Space Marine in vigor and strength, and more than matching Chaos Marines in experience.
Maltias took a single step forward, his heavily modified Mark VII plate slightly hissing. It was black, angular, and pointed, like it was carved from pure obsidian. The gauntlet was as cold and unforgiving as death as it closed around Altus's neck, raising him eye to eye with Maltias's Primarch stature.
In the battle, Altus had felt... something... inside Maltias, like a dark flare. It was not a daemon, but something more ancient, more primal.
Maltias: "I killed your predecessor much in this same way, Human, though last time, he'd had the forethought to bring an Exterminatus with him." Shadows began to flit across the floor, and black lightning arced across Maltias's massive frame.
Cue Godsmack: Whatever (The Dark Titan's theme).
Altus: "What... are you..."
The Dark Titan (Maltias):"I am something as ancient and powerful as your imagination, Human. I am the literal physical manifestation of your concepts of destruction, of war, and of ice. I am your nightmares and your passions given form. I am so much more than anything you could ever hope to be, though also much less. I am the Dark Titan."
The last thing Altus heard was the laughter of something as old and as powerful as any Chaos God.
Carius Maltias, now fully ascended as his Aspect, The Dark Titan, thrust a blade through Altus's neck, severing the head.
Dark Titan (Maltias): "Now then, on to more important matters."
A black circle appeared in the wall, etched in purple and with black lightning around it. The Dark Titan stepped through it....
..... and onto the bridge of Cristhios's flagship. The Frost Wolves were understandably surprised to see a full three squads of Voidwing Titans appear on the bridge, and on the other side of the viewscreen, two massive claws of pure black stone, etched with images of the viewer's nightmares, ripped through portals of the same kind The Dark Titan stepped through. A truly gargantuan portal opened, and something that could only be described as an armed moon pushed forth into the space in the system.
The Voidwing Titans had come out in force.
The Dark Titan, now Carius Maltias once again, smiled at Cristhios from under his hood.
Maltias: "I cannot let you have all the fun, mortal." Black talons at the ends of his fingers flexed meaningfully. "And now we fight, one Author Avatar to another. I shall show you what passes for fury from my "misbegotten kind.""
*************
On the bridge of the Furious Reprisal, the lead vessel of the Ultima Segmentum Battle Fleet, a black portal opened.... and insanity stepped forth.
Cue The Ameliorate Album by an Endless Sporadic.
Darakathos was the servant of Chaos. Not the evil blight that plagued this universe, but the true embodiment of insanity, of disorder, of power. Darakathos brushed a small amount of dust from his dark blue and silver robes, and pulled back his hood, revealing a scalp tattooed with the only true definition of chaos. His eyes were glowing blue, no iris, no pupil, only blue.
A shaving razor and a broken bottle appeared in each of his hands.....
And he smiled.
The screaming of the bridge crew did not stop for four minutes.
******************
On a lower deck of the Craftworld Currently Unnamed, yet another portal appeared, and shadow stepped forth. The Nemesis was the lord of assassins, shadows, and uprising. He was the servant of the Dark Titan, a retainer. Four Marines appeared behind him, these with heavy black cloaks over their forms. Even in bright light, they appeared hazy and indistinct. When around the Nemesis, there was no 'bright' light.
His job was to distract the Eldar. If they and the Emperor Class battleships fought together, they might be able to damage the Darakithanai vessel.
He was to cause as much havoc as possible. Which is why he had requested another to appear as well.
On the other side of the deck, all the way across the Eldar craftworld, three portals opened, and from the center one, pure evil came. Cue Disturbed: Inside the Fire.
The Chained was the Aspect of Sorcery, Daemonacy, and Evil. He had been sealed away, just as the Dark Titan had, for good reason. He was barechested, his scarred body still bleeding after so long. The Dark Titan had given him those wounds, and he would take his revenge one day. A blood-red topknot was the only hair on top of his head, and a snakelike mouth was filled with needle teeth. Armor of bloodied silver covered his arms, and a pair of black baggy pants covered his legs. He wore no boots. A pair of manacle wrapped around his wrists, and the long, spiked, and bladed chains at the ends of them could be used as weapons.
The Chained: "Havoc indeed."
Fourteen blood-covered Marines filed from the other two portals, eerily calm, each with a staff.
A white portal opened in front of him, and a figure in white plate, chased with gold, stepped forth. He held a large, thick, two handed sword. The Redeemed, the Aspect of Light, Repentance, and Purging Flame, pointed the blade, one handed, at The Chained.
It had taken him so long to track The Chained down. The redeemed would have his vengeance.
The Redeemed: The souls of the fallen cry out for your blood, Sorcerer.
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfiction---REVERTING TO STORY WRITING---
Cristhios smiles as the Dark Titan moves in front of him, a black sword it is grasp, "You will not find me easy prey" Cristhios snarls as his hand grasps the hilt of his Relic Blade, The Frostmourne (Non-WC3 variant), "Sergeant Corthos" he calls over his shoulder "let loose the Wolves of War", "already done Captain" the old sergeant responds as the click of a bolter informs Cristhios that Corthos is ready to fight, a Veteran of a hundred campaigns, older the Cristhios by at least a century, the old Veteran would not die easily. "Lakios, stay behind me boy!" the Sergeant roars as he levels his bolter against the newly-emerging Marines.
Meanwhile in the bowels of the ship, Captain Furax and Mikaleus prepare their warriors as the alarms shrill. "The Assault Marines are ready Captain" Sergeant Cyrus, Veteran Sergeant of the 4th companies' Assault Marines calls to Furax through the vox. "Excellent Sergeant, may the Emperor have mercy on who ever is daring the Wolves today, for we shall not" the embittered Captain responds, a roar of laughter comes from behind and Mikaleus claps the shoulder plate of the Assault Captain, "Save that talk for the pyres and feasts, now is not the time old friend" the Battle Captain replies. His Lightning claw powered and unsheathed, the Plasma pistol in the other hand glows a perfect blue. several squads of White Astartes sprint past the captains towards the upper levels, the heavy weapons were left behind almost, save the Heavy Bolters, the chance of hull breach was a grave one indeed. "Dakara Squad, move to the engine room with Sumat Squad and Kilios Squad. do not let them fall!" Mikaleus commands firmly. Furax taps his vox "Dermac Squad accompany them", the Assault Marines were at a severe disadvantage in this battle, they obviously could not use their vaunted jump packs inside the ship, save perhaps in the more open areas.
"Who takes the bridge?" Mikaleus jokes but before Furax answers he is cut of by a booming vox behind them. "We Will" Venerable Sergeant Dius interjects, Mikaleus spins on his heel to come face to face with ten Tactical Dreadnoughts, or Terminators in common tongue, the crackle of the power fists, the clicks of the Storm Bolters, the slow whine of the Assault Cannons, the hiss of the Heavy flamers filled the air. Almost twenty terminators were stationed aboard the Claw Imperialus, "Team Arana are making their was up there as we speak" the Sergeant referred about the other ten. "Better hope its not tyranids, its be a bugger if we had to cleanse by fire, we just got the Shrine painted." Mikaleus joked noting the large Broodlord skull mounted on the Terminator Sergeant's shoulder, it would be a Hive Tyrant's but it was to large as it would obscure the Crux Terminatus. "May the Emperor guide you Captains" the Venerable Sergeant spoke as his stomped down the corridors.
"What of Ancient Cerverus?" Furax asked as he hoisted his power sword. "If the ship is under attack we cannot allow the Techno-shrine to fall" Mikaleus responded, his voice now sharp and decisive. "Tell Techmarine Proxy to wake the Ancients, all of them"
The Main Corridor of the Claw Imperialus is large, easily fifty foot wide and almost as high, its walls lined with ancient and venerated battle standards from the chapters past. It was more then large enough to accommodate the battle companies when they marched. now it was deathly silent, the alarms died down and the internal defenses raised.
In the Techno-shrine, the wail of the servitors however, had not stopped, Techmarine Proxy stood before Ancient Cerverus, a Venerable Dreadnought, the armored sarcophagus was lined with gold and badges of purity. The servitors surrounding it applied the hymnals of maintenance as they cleaned the metal. Within the red power armour, Jerulsals Proxy sighed deeply as he pressed the rune of activation, Awaking the Mighty machine twice in a such short period was almost unheard of, the resident of the beast would not be pleased to be awoken form his well-deserved slumber. Proxy spoke the prayer of activation as he depressed the rune. As he did the room was surrounded with the rumble of generators, the Dreadnought stirred as its venerated circuits were given power. The creaking of the legs echoed within Proxy's mind, The Assault Cannon whirred experimentally. "Even in death I serve." the Dreadnought boomed.
The Shrine was holy place to the Adeptus Astartes, within was the holy relics of the chapter. Chaplain Moredantes eyed the warning runes as they pulsed. No noise was allowed within the Shrine. the Crozius Arcanum in hand, the Mighty Terminator armour rose. the Skull-helmet's eyes burned with righteous fury.
Meanwhile on the bridge. Cristhios stares down the new arrival. weighing him up in his mind, a short duel had been fought, the scrapes on either's armour a testament to their skill. Sergeant Corthos had held himself from firing, as the black armoured Space Marines had not fired... yet. A warning rune flashed into life. A nervous serf look over to the console. "C...C...Captain, more warp-riffs. As...Astropath identified as... The Litany of Fury?" Both Cristhios and the Dark Titan's head turn towards the serf, "The Litany? the Blood Ravens?" the Dark Titan growls beneath his hood, the serf nods stiffly, his eyes wide and mouth dry with fear.
Aboard the Litany of Fury, Captain Gabriel Angelos places his fingers on the bridge of his nose. "This does not look like Terra does it?" the nearby serfs shake their heads. The Captain sighs "Inform the Navigator, take us out of here, Away from this battle, it does not concern us" the serf hurry about for a moment before stopping. "We cant my lord" they reply to the questioning gaze of the captain "Navigator says the Warp engines are jammed"
Back aboard the Claw Imperialus, the Dark Titan shrugs "No early leavers" is his only explanation. The same warning rune flickers back into life, the same Serf gives the reading. "More Warp-riffs, more ships, the Astropath identifies as... Black Templars" now both the Dark Titan and Cristhios sigh, this was all they needed.
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsI want to thank you all for being there 'for me' and helping expand and kill time between Lastie's posts. Has been a good run so far and want to continue. Be warned though that this post may be the LONGEST ever made by me, or not {pls enjoy}. Regarding American Football: I wish they called it SOMETHING else, like Pigskin. I'm disappointed in the fact they call it soccer. WTH IS soccer??? Because I didn't quite grew up with the concept, I don't know how to play a position other than Goalie :(
Asuka Langley Soryu... isn't that the pilot of EVA 02 on Evangelion? Damned Crazed German chick. Too bad she lost it while hearing a classical/religious song {"an 'Angel' mind warred me and now I'm all emo"}. Riiiiiiight...
In Kyli's absence, Rome and Fenix are on overwatch duty. As the Eldar Ranger looks on, Rome keeps tabs on orders and tasks by the =L= on AstroCom.
-Possible attack on Fenris. Thousand Sons led by Magnus the Fethin' Red.
-Psychic Coalition is having 'talks' with Tyranids.
+INCOMING MESSAGE+
The IM screen pops open.
=L=@ AstroCom: How are your charges, Rome?
ChiefLRome@ AstroCom: My Lord, Kyli has left to a meeting where Mephiston is present.
=L=: You do know that Kyli is important? Not only that, but that there's a glory-hungry Marine hell-bent on her death?
ChiefLRome: I have pulled some strings to stall his forces, My Lord. Spending time with the Eldar has given me an insight on their tactics.
=L=: And?
ChiefLRome: What about the impending attack on Fenris?
=L=: Not your fight. Return to Terra. Stop the insurrection and fight the Lion if necessary.
ChiefLRome: My Lord, that's suicidal. An Eldar Ranger and I won't be enough.
=L=: A full squad of Grey Knights will do and a Dreadnought.
ChiefLRome: Verywell My Lord. Long live the Order.
Using his comlink, he commands his ship to teleport him up.
Rome in a very serious tone: "Fenix, old friend, come with me if you wanna live. I must fight the dead flower girl and her whipped man."
Fenix gives him a puzzled look though his helmet: "She's not dead."
Rome: "Oh? She will be... she will be."
And now, PRIMARCHS moments #50. This verey special moment is dedicated to the Griffin Family. Thanks Peter, for the memories. Yeah right. It goes to the guys/girls who made this possible. Who would've thought it turn out like this? Honestly? Deus Mechanicus for taking the I and charge ino combat and Lastie for keeping the Assault phase fresh with blood, dead babies, countless redshirts and more plot twists than Vect can make boobie turners.
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Aerith/Aeris: "Want to talk about it?"
Lion El'jonson: "Only if we get to indulge ourselves in a good old-fashioned Battle Therapy. I'm a man, and more importantly a Primarch. I don't do the whole 'talking about it' shtick unless I get to beat someone up."
Aerith/Aeris acts all innocent: "Even a defenseless little girl?"
Lion El'jonson: "Don't play games. I've seen your character tab; you're maximum level with all characteristics maxed-out, and don't get me started on what you're carrying with you. How many times can you cast Knights of the Round with that materia combination?"
Aerith/Aeris: "Eighty-seven, with a ten percent chance to mimic the whole round again."
Lion El'jonson unsheathes his sword: "CRRRRAAAAWWWLLLINGGG INNNN MAAA SKIIIINNNNN!!!!"
Aerith/Aeris: "What did you say?"
Lion El'jonson: "That was the sword. Ignore it. Now lets discuss our issues in true 40K fashion!"
Aerith/Aeris casts Great Gospel on herself.
Lion El'jonson: "Truth-dammit! This is not a good start!"
+Lion El'jonson: "We hope that soon my father and my siblings will see the truth as I have, and come to acknowledge the Union as the future of mankind." He places an arm around Aerith/Aeris, and stares down at her lovingly.
+Eldrad: "We have several important matters to discuss, and the first I wish to raise to debate is perhaps the most important of all!" He slams his fist down onto the table. "When are we going to get our rending ponies!?"
Mephiston incredulous: "You've got to be joking..."
Taldeer irritated: "Keep your voice down! This is a very sensitive subject amongst us Eldar!"
Mephiston whispering: "You do realize it's said in jest as a way of describing how your people are never satisfied with anything?"
Taldeer: "Yes, and we want that too! That way we will have everything under the suns!"
Rome is teleported onto his favoured ship the 'Ragnarok II'. He found it adrift in space and after an Imperial cleansing {weird aliens that had to be fought in pairs} and some modifications, he claimed the ship his. A bit larger than a Thunderhawk, it flies a little better than one {Inquisitors get some sweet priviledges}. Inside there are 8 Drop Pods, 4 Dreadnought Racks, 4 Rhino-sized racks, 2 Land Raider racks, an armory bigger than a Chapter's standard size {Chapter Masters would be jealous}, and enough space to accommodate 60 Marines or 30 Terminators in full armor. Approacing the bridge, the pilot, looks at the mighty Librarian.
Marine Pilot: "Where to my Lord?"
Rome: "Set course to Terra."
Marine Pilot: "Now we're getting serious."
Rome thinks to himself for a moment: 'Darakathos... why?'
Credits:
Lastie as PRIMARCHS! Staff
FarseerMatt as Fenix & Kyli
Lorcryst as Himself
Lord Auliana Darakathos as Auliana Maltias the TRAITOROUS SCUM!
BladeWolf as Brother Captain Cristhios from the Frost Wolves Chapter {hope I got it right}.
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionYes you did get it right, and while i wait for LAD, or someone to continue to do the next bit
Cristhios: I am neither Glory hungry nor Hell-bent! Its a matter of pride and honour, technically she has run away at EVERY confrontation. Chapter tradition dictates that no enemy shall escape us!You do know that Kyli is important? Not only that, but that there's a glory-hungry Marine hell-bent on her death?
Other then that, wen is the next Official Addition to the story Lastie or the next installment of the various Fan-fanfiction stories, a man can only wait so long!
Spoiler: Lord Aulianas Darakathos’ fan-fanfictionMaltias: I resent the term 'scum.' I take pride in my hygiene and appearance. I may be a traitor, but I wash regularly.Credits:
Lastie as PRIMARCHS! Staff
FarseerMatt as Fenix & Kyli
Lorcryst as Himself
Lord Auliana Darakathos as Auliana Maltias the TRAITOROUS SCUM!
I probably should be posting more, though. :/
The Eldar inside Craftworld That-Which-Is-Currently-Unnamed were far from unaware of the situation outside. After all, it's not every day that a Space Marie fleet shows up, followed by a moderately sized Ultima Battle Fleet, combined with a Blood Ravens ship, Black Templars AND a new, strange enemy, with two destroyers and a craftworld-sized ship show up on your doorstep and start blasting away at each other.
And none of them were firing on the Craftworld.
The Nemesis had yet to reveal his presence, and The Redeemed was entirely too interested in slaying The Chained and his compatriots to assault the hangar he was in, as he'd been asked.
Granted, it was two beings literally of pure imagination fighting each other. That tends to cause a few psykik fluctuations. It was obvious which of the armies was causing such flares, and that was why the Eldar Ranger team had decided to recon the enemy capital ship.
Ranger Elliorion had decided that it was best if they investigated it. After all, the Eldar Farseers would likely be more than sufficient to hold off any assault made by the two beings... and if not, there would have been nothing a small Ranger team could have done. And besides, Elliorion really wanted to know what was in that thing. And why it looked so familiar.....
*****
The Redeemed aimed a high blow at The Chained's head, only to reveal the feint and cut low at it's shoulder. The Chained hissed, barely diving out of the way in time. The Redeemed was no fool. He had fought The Chained before, and knew that the chains were only deadly if he could get force behind them. The Redeemed was ensuring that didn't happen.
One of the creature's sorcerer companions swung a curved scimitar-like blade at the Redeemed's left knee, only for him to take a step out of the way, using the momentum of the movement to increase the force of the rather large blade. The Traitor Marine's head rolled on the floor, and the other sorcerers suddenly found more interesting things to do at the moment.
Such as fighting off the Eldar Striking Scorpions team that had just charged into the hangar.
*****
The Dark Titan suddenly put a finger to the side of his head, activating a comms set built into the spot. He ordered Khaos (name change to prevent confusion with the more daemonic Chaos) to distract the Black Templars.
He did so by changing the video on every pictscreen, hololith, and even the imaging software in the Astartes helmets to show this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNuRQ...layer_embedded
The Dark Titan: Now then, where were we?
"Multiple contacts!" Serf Hurranos calls to the Astartes commanding The Great Endeavor. "Has the Emperor not granted you weapons? Destroy them!" the commanding Astartes roared, the Castellan Mordos had brought them here, the Emperor had guided them here, they would enact His will upon these Xenos, and whomever got in their way.
Deep in the hold of the Great Endeavor, the sounds of prayer ring high in the halls of glory. "...Death, War and Blood; in vengeance serve the Emperor in the name of Dorn!" Cries the Emperor's Champion the black sword raised to the host before him. Leading his brothers in prayer filled the Champion with righteous and holy fury, he felt his body, mind and soul pulse with faith. His lips gave to more prayer, each syllable powered by the fury and faith within his heart. "Suffer Not The Unclean To Live!" he roared furiously.
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Meanwhile aboard the Litany of Fury;
Gabriel Angelos looked at the data-slate handed to him by a serf as if it were rotten food. "Intruders?" he questioned even as he read the slate for the fifth time, "Aye My Lord, black armored figures appeared in the engine block, only Serf-engineer Delmascus made it out alive sire" the wherry Serf-commander breathed. "How Many did the Serf-Engineer report seeing" Angelos asked whilst weighing up the numbers in his mind. "Upwards of five my lord" the Serf-commander responded quickly and firmly. Gabriel mused this as he stood, the Power Armour reacted perfectly as he reached for his bolt pistol at his waist, the aptly named 'Left hand of Gabriel' "Then let me meet out guests" the Space Marine Captain called proudly.
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Aboard the Furious Reprisal, things weren't looking so good. The bridge was silent, and Armsmen Team Magenta-Four that was sent to investigate was not responding. Ship-Commissar Kuranos rubbed his recaf fueled eyes, his carapace armour felt heavy and overburdened even with only a chainsword and las-pistol, he was sure the troopers around him were far heavier even without the Imperial Navy shotguns and boltguns issued to them. The little voice in the back of his head laughed at him, he was out of shape, life aboard a proud ship was far to easy, almost no-one misbehaved, or not to the level were the Ships commissar would have to take action. the years of banquets and feasts had taken their toll of his form, the fat that built up around his wiast was embarrassing for a Commissar, especially one that started out as a feared member of the Cadian 1056th Regiment, well, up until the point they were promptly wiped out by the Orks on a far flung world that Kuranos didn't even remember.
He huffed and heaved through the corridors, letting the Armsmen lead the way. Soon they came upon a horrific sight, Magenta-four, butchered, the distended corpses laid bare through out one of the corridors that lead to the bridge. While the lead man checked for pulses among some of the more intact bodies of his comrades, the commissar secretly thought back to his days in the Cadian 1056th, the battle they went through. His mind drifted back to a battle against the Great Enemy on Pulotis, the Black Legion seeked to take the Manufactorium for their own nefarious purposes, the the 1056 stood firm, Kuranos smiled at the thought of the sight of holy fury the guardsmen brought down, 'Fire in their bellies, and a prayer on their lips' indeed the commissar nodded. It was then that the lead man splattered upon his visor, the red gore painted his body armour a disgusting colour, as the Commissar collapsed the sounds of shotgun fire and the crack of bolters told the commissar just what was happening. "What is that thing?" One of the Armsmen asked just before what seemed to be a shadow snipped his calves in two, the scream did not end until a silvery razor was plunged deep into his chest. Kuranos raised his las pistol and cracked the shots off into the receding shadow, the distinct crack of bone informed Kuranos that another Armsmen was dead. He pulled himself to his feet. gripping the hilt of his chain sword, Kuranos unleashed a guttural cry as he sprinted towards the shadow. Darakathos giggled maniacally as he dragged his razor across his tongue, the Commissar saw the sparkle of metal and fired into it. The remaining two Armsmen blasted away also, but before the first bolt detonated,the shadow was gone.
Commissar Kuranos felt a brush on his mind, he reacted and span, bringing his chainsword up, just in time to stop the deadly razor. blue orbs dug into his mind. Kuranos could feel the heretic's mind on his, but he would not buckle, No! He would fight, he pushed forward, feeling the Emperor's might flow through him, the Heretic was pushed back, the robes fluttered around him, Kuranos pushed again with the whirring blade. But it was in vain, because just as the blade was about to bite, the shadows surrounded him.
The laughter echoed through the upper levels for some time.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: "Everyone’s talking about compiling Lastie’s story. Why don't they divide the work up between them, say 30 chapters each, then get one person to combine them all? Silly mon-keigh, all they're going to end up with at this rate is 8 copies of the first arc. You know, we Eldar have a maxim..."
Rome: "Is it, If your arrogance doesn't match your firepower, you're not a proper Eldar?"
Fenix: "No, it's Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance."
Rome: "Ah."
Fenix: "Right, while we're here..."
Fenix: "For future reference Rome, I'm not wearing one."Fenix gives him a puzzled look though his helmet
Rome: "Well it never said so in the script! All I've got to go on is WYSIWYG on the models."
Fenix: "Well, FarseerMatt bought all his Rangers before the new models came out, and in-game I'm one of the ones with a sword."
Rome: "Er..."
Fenix: "But we Rangers like to think of ourselves as practical, and if I can protect my valuable Eldar head and avoid a plot-hole at the same time..."
He pulls back the hood of his chameleoline cloak, pushes his black hair out of his eyes and dons a standard Eldar helmet coated in adaptive camo.
Spoiler: Lord Aulinias Darakathos’ fan-fanfictionDarakathos suddenly stopped, five paces from a bulkhead behind which a rather large amount of Imperial Guard were digging in. The original Darakathos wanted this fight.
You see, when an Aspect host dies, their power is combined with the Aspect for the next host. There are also certain memories merged as well. With most Aspects, these memories are within tolerable limits, enough so to grant more experience without causing multiple personalities.
Chaos wasn't so lucky. He was originally a Magister, an Aspect of Magic, Knowledge, and Secrets. Unfortunately, as his memory passed from host to host, it was never imited. He remembered entire lives. As the pressure of so many lives grew, his mind could no longer take the strain, and his power and formed changed. He became Chaos. This was passed on to his favored champion.... Darakathos. A former Black Templar.
And the original Darakathos wanted to fight these Guardsmen. He pushed the rather sadistic personality back, his own cold hate giving him strength. Hate for the lies he was shown. Hate for the necessity of war. Hate for everything.
The robes shifted, flowing like water, until they clung to his form and grew. It formed a suit of power armor, Darakathos's body growing as well, to match his original form. The robes slid over his head and face, forming a helmet. The symbols of his Chapter had been scored away. He served insanity now.
A large two handed scythe rose from the ground and his hand settled on it. There was a ripple, like a shockwave, and the bulkhead flew from it's resting place. Cue: Liberate by Disturbed.
He charged into the room, scythe flashing, blood flowing.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: "What, this one?"Rome observing Lorcryst freshly made cookies: "I thank the Emperor for me not being a Cookie Monster Spawn. That thing could swallow whole a planet were it made of chocolate chip cookies! I will however inspect closer those cookies... once I return from my Inquisitorial agenda. Say whatever happened to my last post?"
Fenix: "Ranger tracking skills for the win! And as for your favoured moments poll, Carron's berserk button gets my vote:"<CLICK YELLOW ARROW FOR LINK>
Fenix: "Now what in the name of the parallel narratives has happened to Farseer Kyli?"+Firraveus Carron: Leaping to his feet. "METAL BOXES?!? METAL BOXES!!! THEY RIDE IN METAL BOXES!?!"
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 179
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTEn route to Holy Terra to rendezvous with Rome’s Grey Knight reinforcements, Fenix and Rome are passing the time playing cards. Unfortunately for Fenix, being the only non-psychic in the Primarchs MST Power Trio means he tends to come last in these games, and the fact that Kyli is currently absent has done nothing to buck this trend.
Fenix: “Any nines?”
Rome: “Go fish. Got any kings?”
Fenix: “Damn!” He hands over three cards to Rome.
At that moment, his phone starts to play Dion’s The Wanderer.
Fenix: Flipping open his mobile “Hello?”
Kyli: “Hey Fenix, how’s it going?”
Fenix: “Not too bad – losing at cards as usual. What’s up?”
Kyli: “Just thought you’d want to know that the new chapter of P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S is up.”
Fenix: “Ah. I was starting to wonder what had happened to Lastie.”
Kyli: “Well, by the looks of it she jumped into her own fanfic and had some trouble getting out again.”
Fenix: “She got stuck behind the fourth wall?”Lastie: Getting rather impatient. “Are we there yet?”
Kyli: “Looks like it.”
Fenix: “I didn’t know it was a one-way barrier…”
Kyli: “Why do you think FarseerMatt never comments directly in this thread any more? He gets us to do even the OOC stuff because he’s afraid of getting stuck. The Author Avatar is powerful, but invoking it is not without its risks.”
Fenix: “I see. Speaking of Author Avatars, have you seen any more of that psychotic captain Cristhios?”
Kyli: “Not yet, if it isn’t tempting Morai-Heg to say so.”
Fenix: “That’s good. Oh, and congratulations on featuring in an official chapter!”
Eldar phones, like most of their technology, are empathic. Consequently Fenix can tell that on the other end of the line Kyli is blushing.
Kyli: “It was only one line...”
Rome: “Does that mean we can canonically refer to you as Miss Pointing Out The Bloody Obvious from now on, then?”Kyli: Her face clean and her hair tidied after an earlier 'incident'. “But that means allying with the Thousand Sons!”
Eldrad: “Congratulations Miss Pointing Out The Bloody Obvious. Go back to MST-ing the story, why don't you?”
Kyli: “You can call me anything you like, Rome. It’s just that certain names have higher probabilities than others of me Mind-Warring you into next week.”
Fenix: “But you’re alright yes? I thought you said that a post containing Eldrad, Macha AND Taldeer would be at risk of Critical Awesome Overload?”
Kyli: “Well, as you know, most Craftworlds have inbuilt awesomeness compensators as they have to deal with these sort of characters on a daily basis. To accomodate them all at once however, the conference Craftworld had to have its compensators upgraded specially for the occasion. Coupled with the balancing factor of Mephiston’s inherent fail, we just about managed to mitigate the awesomeness down to an acceptable level.”
Fenix: “Ah, so that’s why they let him come along. So did you ever get Eldrad’s autograph?”
Kyli: “I can’t say right now.”
Fenix: “What do you mean you can’t say? Surely you know.”
Kyli: “Oh yes I know, and Eldrad knows, but Lastie hasn’t confirmed one way or the other yet and I can’t be bothered carrying out a retcon if FarseerMatt guesses wrong.”
Fenix: “Oh.”
Kyli: “Well I’d better be going – inter-narrative calls cost a fortune on my mobile.”
Fenix: “Wisdom commands, lady farseer.”
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionCristhios: beating a Voidwing Titan to a pulp with his bare hands"I am not PSYCHOTIC!!"
BladeWolf: holding a needle in his hands "Time for your meds Captain"
Cristhios: "Raaawwwgh!"
Lolage at the chapter Lastie, keep it up!
-Insert usual praise that all the others usually put, Im to tired to make anything up or copy pasta-
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsPRIMARCHS!
MST. MOAR Screen Time. Marine Support Team. Mort/ San/ Tracy. That's what I suppose it is. DISCLAIMER: it may have some 'sensitive maternal comments.' skip these parts as you see fit. you have been warned.
Within the meditation chamber of the Psyker known as Rome, we see one of the PRIMARCHS most popular trio...er DUET {missing one special individual} are enjoying ways to pass time. After talking to Kyli, Rome contemplates on previous AWESOME episodes. Then after 15 minutes, silence breaks.
Rome: "Fenix, don't feel bad. You are a great asset to Eldar everywhere, and Kyli thinks of you highly. Besides, wheres that trademark arrogance of yours?"
Fenix was about to open his mouth, then gives Rome a Look that could smother a sun, were Rome a sun..: "What did you say?" Then assumes the Classic Eldar Arrogant Pose. And cups his hands on his pointy ears. "Lalalalalalalala. I don't listen to a MON-KEIGH! Lalalalalalala-"
Rome: 'And here I thought that a civilization far more advanced then the Imperium, could act more maturely...' "That's the good Spirit...stone... ooh gots a call."
Rome's mobile rings with the 'Transformers' theme.
Rome: "Go for Rome."
?: "Chief Librarian Rome?"
Rome: "Identify yourself!"
?: "I'm a FAN of yours... and really like your well-categorized moments."
Rome: "You didn't answer my question."
?: "Well, that was faster than the others. I'm calling you out to a challenge!"
And then his doors open and A CHALLENGER APPEARS!
Fenix is impressed by the challengers appearance! :"YOU!?" and suddenly he starts to laugh uncontrollably by his prescence.
?: "I don't know what's so funny to him."
Rome: "That is because even Rob in his stupidity knows you CAN'T stop screwing your mom. Dude, SERIOUSLY."
Malekith the Witch King: "Argh! Those are LIES! But I came to challenge you!"
Rome: "Why bother? I'm made of AWESOME and WIN. And in the likeness of the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! I have BADASS written on my bones."
Malekith reels with laughter at the ridiculous comment while Fenix composes himself.
Fenix: "No dude. He IS telling the truth! I've seen the BADASSERY written on it."
Malekith {AKA: moms sex toy} wasn't buying it. To prove a point, literally, Rome took a power knife and in T2 fashion, cut himself quickly to reveal underneath the truth that both himself and Fenix told him: even to the naked eye it reads BADASS and the symbol of the =L= Order in between. Mal, now awed by it, sees Rome replacing the skin back and was healing slowly {and by slowly its slower than Wolverine's healing factor}.
Malekith: "You are SICK man!"
Rome: "Now listen to me very carefully. If you even think you can best an Astartes in some way not including acts of debauchery with relatives, like Vect, you will lose. As a matter of fact, being a incestual bastard, you have until I reach for my greaves to leave my ship or I will find ways to make the CABAL bray at the thought of my name."
Malekith: "I thought they did that already."
Rome considers the reply: "Hmm.. Then FEAR ME they will!"
Malekith: "I'm sure that any high-ranked =L= member could try. Fewer succeed."
Rome: "How dead would you like to be right now, O great King?" he says as he finishes putting on the greaves of his armor. The Witch King has vanished into thin air despite Fenix's presence. Using his hearing, Rome hears nothing that may compromise the foul alien's location.
Rome: "Your mother would be proud of you if you did a hentai flick scene with her."
Malekith was going to flee from the shadows {despite the fact the room is well lit}, and Mu catches him. : "Please spare me! I'm an important person."
Rome: "O RLY? You FAIL to realize that in this GRIM and DARK future you won't be missed?" as he says this, he wounds up a fist to knock him out. Rome's mobile device rings again. Saved by the bell, the Witch King kicks our hero in the shin hard enough to dent an Adamantium pillar. Unfortunately, the only one in pain is the sender and limps in pain like a dog yelping.
Malekith: "I will return! Ow ow ow.."
Rome: "Go and screw your mom! And while at it, throw yourself out of an airlock." Seeing who's calling, the Chief Librarian goes with his Force Weapon/Powerfist to the bridge of the Ragnarok II. "Brother Linux, put it on screen."
On the main screen appears an effeminate man in power armor with a CUTE background behind. Next to him is a woman with gravity-defying hair, pink clothing and more CUTENESS than a hamster.
Lion: "You don't wait for a ring before picking it up? You never know who's calling."
Rome: "Lucky me I have a decent caller ID. Why are you siding with these abberations?"
Dead Flower Girl: "Abberations? You mean the Moogles? They're soo cute, and you should grow your hair like my boyfriend." Mu looks at his short, 'Sweetpea' haircut.
Rome assumes a pose of tactical WIN to look menacing like most captains would on a viewscreen when looking menacing.
Rome: "El'Jonson, I will give you two options. Option A {it comes HIGHLY recommended}: retry your FAIL and WIN, returning to the Emperor's Light and you alone will be spared. Aerith dies again and the Grim & Dark shall have balance."
Lion: "And Option B?"
Rome: "Umm... well with you being a Primarch... one shall FAIL and one shall WIN. We'll give you the standard =L= 'merciful' battle, which consists of nothing short of Exterminatus with a power level over 9K."
Insert dramatic music here!
Lion: "The brave do not fear the grave. And I, Lion El'jonson shall--" another transmission appears! from the Witch King!
Malekith: "Great news! I got me a promotional contract of 10 movies starting me and my--" another transmission appears! from Khorne!
Khorne: "Mu Rome! You have killed whole systems of my beloved minions. And for that--" another transmission appears! from the Grey Knights!
Grey Knight Captain Kudoz: "Lord Rome!--"
The cacophony of multiple factions speaking to the Space Marine makes him unable to make out anything being said. Brother Linux goes to the viewscreen tab and changes the selection from 'cascading' to 'Voltron/multiplayer'. Now everyone has 1/4 th of the screen.
Rome: "ENOUGH! Captain Kudoz, contact me again when I arrive in system. Linux, X him. Malekith, if I ever again I hear of such debauchery, I will break you! Linux, X him. Khorne! I'm NOT killing FOR you, I'm killing THOSE that kill FOR you! There's a difference! And stop calling me when I have affairs that are TRACY-level. Linux, X him. LION--"
Linux: "My Lord we have arrived."
Close to Terra's gravity well, a Warp hole opens and out comes the Ragnarok II and near it a Grey Knight fleet.
Lion: "You are not a Primarch."
Rome: "What makes you think not so? I could be Alpharius..." at that moment Brother Linux reveals himself to be in fact Alpharius!
Alpharius: "I'm Omegon, dude."
Sorry. Then where's Al?
Fenix shows up and 'unzips' himself.
Alpharius: "Right here, but for a limited time only. Lets go O, we filled our quota of cameo appearances for now. By the way, nice prow, dude." Mu blushes at the compliment.
Rome: "Magnus had a helping hand on the design..." then resumes his macho pose. "So what is your decision, Lion El'jonson of the CUTE Angles?"
Lion, infuriated by the insult rises from his chair and speaks in a ROAR!: "I challenge you! To Option B! Face me!"
Rome's face darkens and speaks in an omnimous tone: "So you have chosen Death... So be it... fluffy." {Meoooooooooowwww!}
Rome goes to his chambers to remove his weapon and pick a scroll : "Ah yes, from Ferrus' collection from the C'Tan arc story. Prepare Macrocannons and the Mega Lascannon. Inform the Grey Knight fleet to aim at the following coordinates and fire on my command!" Multiple openings appear and as they're going online, they select a point on Terra, where The Lion currently is. He then opens the scroll and bites his right thumb, making many hand seals to properly use the scroll, as it requires a summoning since there's no laptops onboard. He then puts his hands together and speaks the words.
"O Ancient cosmic gods, hear my plea,
punish those who dare defy your ways.
Steal their Sun, so they may know not warmth,
their Time, so they know not seasons.
The very Stars as well, so they know not the way,
and the very sky fall upon them.
I am the seed of all fail,
Lame is my blood, and troll is my name,
I have spammed all forums known to man,
Trolled all there is to be trolled.
Have destroyed many lives,
with replies devoid of logic and sense.
So as I pray... crush their hopes and dreams with them! Cleanse with FLAMING & FAIL!
Ancient Forbidden Art 92: UNLIMITED DECODING WORKS!"
As one, the entirety of every muzzle of a weapon aimed at the exact coordinates fired in concert as one salvo, far greater than what most Astartes would put in an Orbital Bombardment Strike.
To the casual observer in Terra, a beam of light brightens a specific part of the planet. Sadly for those who are within 100 meters of such light it will be the last thing they ever see or feel.
Random Moogle: "Its daylight already? Wha7 15 happ3n1n9??? 6hhhhhhhhh---- FAIL, FA1L!!!-------"
To be resumed...
Also after much deliberation I found my new Sig! Behold!
Primarchs Moments #23 From Chapter 118. Enjoy
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 180
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTThe sound of a toilet flushing is heard across the bridge of the Ragnarok II. Fenix steps through an automatic door, drying his hands on a purity seal.
Fenix: “So what did I miss, anything good?”
Captain Kudoz: “You could say that. About a dozen cameos, including Omegon showing up and pretending to be you, and Rome nuked Lion El’Jonson.”
Fenix: “Great break-dancing Harlequins!” His phone rings “Oh, excuse me...hello?”
Kyli: “Hi Fenix, it’s me again. Was just wondering what in the Warp are you doing, because the new chapter’s been up for about a week now and there’s been no input from you or Rome.”
Fenix: “I believe FarseerMatt’s been away revising for his exams for the Path of the Chemical Engineer.”
Kyli: “Ah I see, author existence failure. So what have you been doing to pass the time?”
Fenix: “Well, apparently Omegon turned up and impersonated me for an entire post, and then Rome dropped a bomb on the Lion.”
Kyli: “Dropped a...on a canon character? Can he do that?”
Rome: Overhearing and stepping forward to interrupt the conversation “Yes, as a matter of fact I can. My Grey Knight allies have given me authority.” He holds up a ceremonial thunder hammer with the stylised I of the inquisition embossed on its head “Master crafted, no less. So for short, I like to call it my MC Hammer.”
Kyli: “Oh gods, he didn’t...”
Rome starts to do a little dance.
Fenix: “He did.”
Rome: “Deh neh-neh-neh, deh-neh-neh, DEH Can’t touch this...”
Fenix: “So, er...new chapter, you said?”
Kyli: “Yep.”
Kyli: “It would appear that Magnus is still trying to sort out his invasion of Fenris.”Magnus the Red: Gazing down at the vast amounts of paperwork held before him on the backs of tortured and abused thralls (as they all are). “Foodstuff?!? Why the hell do we need so much food?!? Over ninety percent of our army is either possessed suits of armour or daemonic entities from another dimension! Why do we need so much food?!?”
Fenix: “STILL? I know they don’t have the luxury of webway logistics...not awesome enough I imagine...but I still can’t help thinking that they should have used their travel time more wisely and done their paperwork BEFORE they got there.”
Kyli: “As we say, Proper Planning...”
Fenix: “...Prevents Piss-Poor Performance, yes. Wisdom commands, lady Farseer.”
Kyli: “You see, this is the mon-keigh we’re talking about here, Fenix. Wisdom is the last thing to expect from them. They don’t know about the 6 Ps.”
Fenix: “Alpharius managed to plan ahead at the end of the Plot Hole arc.”
Kyli: “Yes, which heightened my suspicions that he may not be a natural P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S character at all...”
Fenix: “Now what’s he planning to do with that?”Dark Forge-master: “Just this one thing” Retrieves a small scroll and hands it to Magnus. “Your purchase confirmation from eBay for one Gary Gygax's soul”
Kyli: “The co-creator of D+D could provide the catalyst for a crossover larger than any so far seen – though naturally we’ll have to wait and see...”
Fenix: “You’re a freaking f-”
Kyli: “Don’t start that again. I’ve told you about the difficulties in scrying a P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S plot more times than an Avatar’s been refused entry to a Wave Serpent on the grounds of his hands dripping blood over the newly-washed interior.”
Fenix: “Hmmm...so that’s why Avatars don’t have a transport option...”
[quote=Lastie]Magnus the Red: “Enough of this! I've had enough! Lets start this invasion!”[/quote[
Fenix: “So does that mean you’re off to help?”
Kyli: “I’m stuck in the canon plot right now, Fenix, and I don’t have the authority to advance it. Do you see any Eldar appearing in the previous chapter? Even putting aside the fact that I have no wish to team up with the Thousand Sons, I’m not doing anything official until at least the next post.”
Fenix: “So what are you going to do with your spare time?”
Kyli: “BladeWolf and Lord Aulinias Darakathos are causing one heck of a storm on the other side of the narrative. I’m going to try and find out what Cristhios and the others are up to.”
Fenix: “Be careful, lady Farseer.”
Kyli: “I’m just going to cast a few runes - it’s not like they can trace that...what’s the worst that could happen?”
An advert jingle plays in the background as Kyli signs off.
Fenix: “Rome, why are you playing the Dr Pepper theme?”
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionIf Lord Aulinias Darakathos wont write his counter then i shall continue!
(Warning, I have just finished watching 300 so...)
The Engine, the power of the ship, its furious beating nuclear heart. the Engines that drive Adeptus Astartes Battle Barges are monstrosities unto themselves, great constructs of steel and prayer, the chamber is vast as it is wide. the tangy smell of iron and potent oils surround the standing serf crew of fone hundred and thirty. they man their stations through all that weathers the ships, be it asteroids or the thunderous roar of battle. They are ever loyal and dedicated to keeping the great armoured leviathan fueled for everlasting war.
Sergeant Dakara leads his men with pride, he and his nine brothers enter the Engine chamber with no questions asked of the Serf-Armsmen posted at the door. The smell is disturbed, the sharpened Astartes senses detect a whiff, a faint yet undeniable smell... of blood.
The sergeant growls as he sweeps his powerful optics around, bodies of the serfs are distributed around, many of them disfigured, many blown apart by some explosive. With a gesture he orders the squad to fan out, they obey. the Astartes bring their bolters to ready, prepared to pounce of any enemy.
Dilnac, the forward most of the men is hit, his armour screams as a round punches the wind from the great Astartes lungs. the squad reacts, A battle-Brother moves with haste, snapping a burst off at where the contrail of the round arrived from, he hooks the brother under the shoulder and pulls him to safety. The sergeant inspects the wound. He is not pleased at the sight. His anger is vented through the weapon of the Emperor's fury, the bolter fires, long and loud, a station is destroyed by the onslaught, behind which rolls a target.
It is black and large, a horrid symbol mounted on the shoulder plate, its armoured form betrays it origin, a Traitor Marine. The Battle-Brother bellow their rage as they fire. the Traitor's power armour is rent asunder under the assault. It twist and turns but cannot escape its fate. the Marines leave nothing.
With the death of a comrade the engine room howls in protest, four more figures appear on levels above the Frost Wolves. Through the mesh grating the Bolter rounds punch through unabated. Without promoting the Emperors Finest dive for cover.
"Where the hell are the others!" cries the Sergeant.
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 181
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsI want to apologize and say that until the fate of The Lion is revealed {up to Lord Lastie}, I won't resume the amount of ordnance fired upon him {if applicable}. So I'll focus the attention to sideline commentary for now {pls don't kill me, My Lord!}.
Khorne, Lord of Skulls and one of the 6 Dark Gods of Chaos {including Falal & Lastie{uncertain as some claim him to be a divine entity of Chaos or D.A.M.N.A.T.I.O.N.} Presents himself, along with a Changer of Ways, representing Tzeentch. Both are seated on a typical newsroom table with the 8-pointed star of Chaos on the background.
Khorne: "Impressive display of force, comming from one of many devoters of the corpse-god. What do you think, Beak- face?"
CoW: "For starters, my masters campaign against Russ succeeded by the use of our Warp Magicks--"
Khorne slams a fist : "DO NOT SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN OF SUCH TRICKERY! IS DISHONORBALE! I'D RATHER GO UP CLOSE AND CRUSH THEM, LIKE THIS!" he picks up an Imperial Guardsman and snaps his neck, profusely bleeding after beheading. "Sounded like chicken!"
CoW: "But its True! How else can Gary Gygax's soul be of better use? I admit however how difficult it is to please the powers that be when there's a lot of paperwork to be done--" loud screeching is heard as Khorne uses a stone wheel to sharpen a Daemonic infused weapon.
Khorne: "What? I can't hear your incessant bickering! I'm going to have Angron go and conquer some nameless world with multiple climates in my name and see it burn. Oh an no chance of Warp Storms to ruin it either!" he sees the Greater Daemon is about to speak. "If the following is either Warp or Magick out of your beak, I WILL CRUSH YOU!"
CoW: "Actually I was going to say Rome's..."
PRIMARCHS moments #52!
Favoured quotes of the episode
Leman Russ: Grabbing this piece of paper out of the air again. "'I Win. GG'... what? What did he summon?"
Tzeentch: Standing behind the pair, with a huge grin on her face. "Just as planned suckers."
And there was pwnage... lots of it.
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 182 AND CHAPTER 183
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: “Why that far-seeing, rune-casting tart.”Looking around her, Kyli spreads her arms open and dances amongst the crystal seers of old. “Ah, wonderful canon!”
Rome: “Hey Fenix, that’s your respected Farseer and fellow P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S fanfiction character you’re talking about there.”
Fenix: “Doesn’t stop her from being a tart.”
Rome: “Are you just jealous because she made it into the official narrative?”
Fenix: “Nah, I prefer to walk the path less travelled, and snark at my enemies from a distance through the scope of my Eldar long rifle. I am a ranger, after all. Ah well, I suppose she’s entitled to enjoy the canon plot while she’s there.”
Fenix: “That’s...that’s brilliant! In a dickish sort of way.”Eldrad: Holds out his staff. “Keep hold of this, you're going with them” Jerks his thumb over his shoulders at Taldeer and Mephiston. “Don't get too excited; your journey will mostly be abstraction. We can't be arsed to fit you into the narrative proper. I just don't trust my personal belongings with someone who can be affected by the narrative”
Rome: “How come?”
Fenix: “Don’t you see, Kyli’s an outside character – she won’t draw the attention of the main plot and if she does then she’s protected by the writer’s rule that it’s impolite to kill off someone else’s character.”
Rome: “But what about other outside characters that are kicking around the canon plot? BladeWolf’s Captain Cristhios for example?”
Fenix: “Don’t jinx it, you might draw his attention if he reads this. Hopefully, Lord Aulianas Darakathos and the Voidwing Titans will be keeping him too busy to interfere.”
Fenix: “Dick.”Eldrad: Smiles. “That's what you'll say to me in bed ten chapters from now”
Rome: “Does he mean what I think he means, or is he trying to psych us out by putting a dodgy-sounding spin on, say, bringing her breakfast in bed?”
Fenix: “Don’t ask me, I’m not a seer, I can’t scry the plot. Though that does sound like the sort of dickish thing Eldrad might do.”
Fenix: “You’re in luck, Miss Lastie. FarseerMatt is far too tired after all those exams to mind. I think all the revision did the equivalent of a Farseer Mind War on his brain. So if we do anything out of character in this chapter you can blame him.”Apologies to FarseerMatt. >:-D
Fenix: “Well if they didn’t know she was gone before they do now. Nice job, mon-keigh.”Rogal Dorn: Looks around and frowns. “Hey … where's Hecate?”
Fenix: “Don’t talk to me about army-wide special rules!”Rogal Dorn: “Indeed. She could be anywhere by now. She can run pretty fast, you know. Army-wide special rule.”
Rome: “You’re not about to go on a rant again, are you?”
Fenix: “Damn right I am! Being an Eldar gives me a reason to complain about flaws in the game and being an independent, outspoken ranger on the Path of the Outcast gives me the right!”
Rome: “Is this WHY they wanted you off the Craftworld?”
Fenix: Ignoring him “People have been stealing OUR special rules for over two editions! There was a time when turbo-boost was a bonus exclusive to the Dark Eldar. Then they undermined our race’s speed advantage even further in 5th edition with Running, which is Fleet of Foot in all but name. Huh, people who ARE actually Fleet can now charge after running, big deal. They were obviously thinking of Tyranids and not Eldar when they came up with that one as they failed to remember that some troops with Fleet are gunners and not dedicated close combat units. I mean, what are you going to assault with Guardians? And there was once a time when our Long Rifles were unique in having "sniper rending" - now everybody has it! As a Ranger, I feel that last one most keenly.”
Rome: “Oh stop your whining.”
Fenix: “Please tell me that Aerith’s second campaign to bring cute back to the 40K universe hasn’t corrupted Lastie herself.”<cuddles his Richard the Warlock plushie>
[b]Rome: [/]b“The author? But, that’s impossible!”
Fenix: “One can only hope so. If the author starts writing for the enemy side then there’s very little the Primarchs can do. Gods-damn weak-willed mon-keigh causing trouble yet again...”
Rome: “You underestimate them, Fenix my friend. Primarchs are some of the few characters powerful and Sue-ish enough to bend the laws of narrative around them. Surely even the author is powerless against that? It would be like trying to write a Star Wars novel where they killed off Luke Skywalker.”
Fenix: “As I said, one can only hope so.”
Fenix: “I thought the Salamanders WERE good guys? Fighting for the civilians they protect rather than their own glory et cetera.”Vulkan: “I don't know about you guys, but I personally enjoyed committing mass genocide without any moral repercussions. I enjoyed doing all the stuff villains indulge themselves with and have everyone call me the good guy. I don't want to see all this go”
Rome: “Well, the Ultramarines are also...”
Fenix: “No, don’t you dare bring up the Ultramarines. Having people on your planets ‘cheer your name with a devotion sadly lacking on most other Imperial worlds’ isn’t being good, it’s fanwank. So what, Calgar’s more popular than the Emperor now? And Ultramar may be a nice place to live under Ultramarine government, until you realise that the Codex Astartes, which the Ultramarines are supposed to be champions and paragons of, specifically prohibits Space Marine chapters from owning more than a single planet. Talk about double standards.”
Rome: “Speaking of internal inconsistency, check out this next quote:”
Fenix: “Kyli’s good at coming up with explanations to avert plot holes, but she’s not here so I’m afraid I can’t help you.”Right. A bit old now, but:
Vulkan: "Man, do you have Realistic Warp Travel switched on?"
Flight Lieutenant: "Oh, sorry sir. Shall I switch it over to Narrative Convenience?"
Why didn't that happen again?
Rome: “More like you can’t be bothered. This is a PLOT HOLE. It’s serious.”
Fenix: “Is internal narrative inconsistency the same as a plot hole?”
Rome: “YES!”
Fenix: “Urgh, whatever happened to ‘we’re caring, as of now’ at the end of the last arc?”
Rome: “They retconned it.”
Fenix:“But the Primarchs remember, surely?”
Rome: “You know, I can’t be bothered with this either...”
Fenix: “Not always true – when toughness equals strength it’s a 4+ to wound, when it’s one point greater it’s 5+, and if it’s two OR three points greater then it’s 6+, four points or more and it’s impossible to wound barring any crazy special rules (like Urien “screw your to-wound rolls” Rakarth). So your Primarchs can fall to lasguns, but our Wraithlords are completely immune to the bolters and chainswords of your Space Marines.” He makes the 4th Aspect of the Gesture of Win (which, if you’re interested, involves snatching the left hand into a fist and pulling it downwards towards the hip)It only fails to wound at MORE than double the strength of the weapon.
Rome: “Right, we done? Cool. I’m off to do something awesome until we can advance the plot.”
Fenix: “Watch out for Brass Scorpions.”
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 184
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsIn our last episode:... {wait. Someone chopped it off cuz it was 'Spam.' Maybe someone likes that wonderful meat-like product in a can... or not.} Chief Librarian Rome and Superfriend Eldar Ranger Fenix were exchanging ideas, passing time and hoping to wipe the floor clean with a certain Primarch. To ensure absolute victory, The =L= gave our heroes a Grey Knight fleet to support the attack. From there he proceeded to manifest a crater of nothing short of complete and utter FAIL.
"Forbidden Art #92: UNLIMITED DECODING WORKS!"
The area which was turned from solid stone {or whatever they use for edifice in the GRIMDARK} into useless lines of text which make no sense and strike at S3 with normal saves allowed. Unfortunately PRIMARCHS aren't easily beaten...
Upon seeing the screen, he turns around and sees Fenix, unfazed by the Imperiums AWESOME firepower.
Rome: "I would say Hammertime now or I'm going to drop the Hammer, but I won't use this. Ill be taking with me a longIforgotten hero's weapon. A gift from a 'Cloud' guy." Walking casually into the Armoury he returns with a strange sword, a Chameleon Cloak, A Storm Shield and a Jumppack.
Fenix: "So, you're going down there, with just that? What will you do?"
And as he puts it on, the cloak changes shape to a spiky-haired blonde human.
Rome: "Finishing this fight. Its not Jonson. Its HIM. I will ensure that he's gone for good. But first... PRIMARCHS Favoured Moments #53."
Favoured quotes of the episode
+Hecate: "Well this was smart girl. You're alone, and by the traditional laws of female invisibility (thank you Sue Storm) I'm also naked, in the middle of a continent-spanning fortress filled with people who aren't too happy with you right now. What the hell am I going to do now?"
Asdrubael Vect appearing right beside her: "Personally, I heavily recommend bending over for no reason whatsoever.
+Vulkan: "We've got Angron on our side, and he's currently been shacking it up with Khorne since Kerrigan buggered off back to her own universe."
Hecate: "Male or female form?"
Corax: "Do you really want to know? Because I didn't ask-"
Asdrubael Vect: "I di-" He screams as everyone kicks him in the face simultaneously.
AND because Lord Lastie caught up so quickly...
#54!
+Vulkan: "What? The giant 'WE LOVE YOU VECT!' posters hung up everywhere? I thought that was the standard dark eldar method of greeting one's leader."
Asdrubael Vect: "No, they usually read 'WHO WANTS TO GANG-RAPE VECT?', or 'VECT, I WANT YOUR ABORTION!'. This is definitely not a good sign."
Vulkan: "Yes, they actually want to rid the universe of a possible sequel to that god-awful book of yours."
Asdrubael Vect: "I'll have you know that my book has helped billions seek success in the arena of love... consensual or otherwise... mostly non-consensual... and illegal on so many different worlds... except here."
Angron: "Does this place actually have any laws?"
Asdrubael Vect: "Yes." Pulls out a splinter pistol and begins exchanging the ammo for something more... potent. "Don't fuck with the Vect."
+Lion El'jonson points his sword at his brothers: "Unleash our greatest weapon! Release the Cute Fluffy Kittens!"
Vulkan: "NO! NOT THE KITTENS!"
Rome: "At least its not RENDING PONIES! I hate RENDING PONIES!!!
Linux! Teleport me into battle! Emperor Protects!"
And with that our cloaked hero goes to battle here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHWPv_xeKzQ
Have Moar EPIC version now! Pls copy and paste. To your address bar.
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 185
Spoiler: Chief L Romes’ favoured momentsDropping in like a ninja for a moment {if ninjas can wear Artificer Armor and have BADASS written on their bones... or do they?} Iamthenight: for the sake of sheer fun, I 'never' had the honour of beating the 7 shades of silver hair out of a certain left-handed swordsman who CANNOT really DIE. So that was the closest way of saying: 'I' kick ass and look good while doing it {and I couldn't actually describe the AWESOMENESS, my head would explode and those who read upon it}. So in turn, I partially apologize for liking FF VII battle enactment and partially I apologize for not placing any favoured moments {those go later on}. Take care!...wait, I'm a Space Marine Librarian! A member of the elite Ordo Lastie! I don't apologize, I kill, exterminate and eradicate anything that's not human or otherwise as mentioned in our orders! So take my apologies and please accept them... or ELSE...! {Insert organ piano dramatic music}
[WARNING: Some of the following characters have been 'manhandled improperly' for the sake of humor/humour purposes. The views of this posting may/may not reflect the views of the =L=. You have been warned.]
In a news like hasty scenario, Rome, Fenix and a special guest are seated accoringly.
On the background is a holoscreen which changes from a Space Marine helmet to an Eldar helmet to the 8-pointed star of Chaos and back. Strangely enough, Khorne 'volunteered' as the Camerawoman, to take advantage of that time of the month.
Fenix: "Welcome back to the Warp News Network! I'm Fenix the Ranger" [my bad for not knowing Fenix's last name] "And now for the local news. The forces loyal to the Union, led by Aeris Gainsborough, aka DFG, was allegedly seen yesterday in Armageddon providing a clean air solution to the toxic landscape. So far the cute fluffy-" a kitten breaths its last as its neck is snapped "-Kittens have not been released. It is mostly because the Orks don't seem to make a difference whether its an Imperator Titan or a 15in feline. Did I just said inch? And now to our galactic Western comrade, Rome."
Rome: "'The Russel Crowe Show' has gotten ratings that rival 'BLOOLUST: The Series' by a mere 100 watchers difference, despite the fact that violent fans get to watch their show at 10pm [Crowe's on at 8pm]. The reason why was due to the last show and here we have our entertainment correspondent guest, Lorcryst!
Lorcryst positions his seat accordingly to better look like a real anchorman: "According to residents, on an unnamed icy planet, observed how the protangonist travelled to different planets and fought different men [only humans] with very little to no provocation and fought them in the hundreds, only to come on top. The highlight was when he began to sing and his companion, a ship named 'Tugger', shot itself-" Khorne got 'herself' excited when 'she' heard the violence -"to avoid listening to the incessant singing of Crowe. Upon getting Tugger to sme Tech Priests, they told him to roll for repair and a natural 6 faced upwards. The Priest gladly tells him Tugger moves, shoots and scoots as normal. Happy, Crowe beats the Tech Priests out of joy-" another squirm is heards from the camerawoman "-and that's mostly it. In my opinion, the excessive violence is what's causing ratings to shoot up. Now back to Rome.
Rome: "Unfortunately that's all we have for now-" the camerawoman gives Rome THE LOOK. "What? Its what the teleprompter says.... oh.
"I'm going to give Shadownet a cookie for being nice enough to make the quote [I had RL issues to work out]. Shadownet; thanks. And now Primarchs moments #55... O snap, the quote isn't here! Pls go to post #2019. And once again, thanks! [Not being sarcastic].
To Griffin: Your boss' wife might consider crossing her legs when consuming food or drinks [might produce queefing and in a previous certain planet, is a Serious thing]."
Khorne, upset, scream at Rome: "WHAT ABOUT MY SHOW!? NO REVIEWS??? IS IT TOO BLOODY, HUH!?"
Rome: "Too much skull bashing and no moral or lesson?"
Khorne takes her keys out of her purse and presses a button that makes an alarm sound. From nowhere [flimsy 4th wallz dang it!] a Brass Scorpion charges through towards Rome.
Rome: "Dammit! RUN!"
I can only hope Lord Lastie is well. Idk if Memorial Day is observed by the Brits or not.
Special salutations go to the makers of History Channel's Deadliest Warrior. Tonights episode is Taliban vs. I.R.A.
Who will survive?
[I want to send my respects to those brave souls who commit themselves to ensure the ideals of their country [and not their RELIGION] are preserved, protected and defended, whether is a US Ranger, SAS or Spetsnaz and other factions, like Mossad. God Bless America and EVERYWHERE else where there's land!]
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 186
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: “Oh by the molten arse of Khaine…”Khorne takes her keys out of her purse and presses a button that makes an alarm sound. From nowhere [flimsy 4th wallz dang it!] a Brass Scorpion charges through towards Rome.
He throws himself to one side to get out of the way of the rampaging daemon engine, which is spraying a truly ludicrous number of bullets in their direction as it charges. As he lands, his phone rings.
Kyli: “Hello, Fenix? Just thought you should know there’s another chapter up.”
Fenix: Trying to unsling his rifle one-handed, “With all due respect Lady Farseer, now isn’t really a good time.”
Rome: Readying his force staff in a crackling storm of light, “Talking Is A Free Action, remember?”
Fenix: “Only in comic books! I can’t hold lengthy phone conversations in the middle of a battle, I mean who am I, Solid Snake?”
Rome: “Well what about this then?”
Rome: “If the Primarchs can do it, why can’t we?”Magnus the Red: “We would have talked; you and I between sword blows like some crappy shonen manga!”
Fenix: “Well, the obvious answer of them having New Powers As The Plot Demands springs to mind…”
Rome: Ducking a scythe-like burst of bullets from the brass scorpion’s tail, “Seems to be working so far though.”
Fenix: “I don’t know, I don’t really want to be associated with Japanese manga tropes…” One of the brass scorpion’s anti-socially large claws comes singing towards him, “Oh to heck with it…”
He executes a neat backflip, the scorpion’s blades missing him by a hair’s breadth and sweeping a cut through his chameleoline cloak as it billows around him.
Fenix: Landing with one arm and one leg thrown out for balance, his other hand splayed against the ground “Ha! Initiative 4, sucker!” He glances down and notices the tear in his adaptive-camo overcoat, “Aww no, this cloak was expensive.”
Rome: His force staff scything a white crescent through the air as it rises to parry the brass scorpion’s blades “Can we move this along, please?”
Fenix: “Well once they turned up in the fanon narrative in the big battle between BladeWolf and L.A.D, I guess it was only a matter of time before the Blood Ravens played their hand.”Ahriman: “Now you mention it, my ex-lord, just who are your 'sources'?”
Magnus the Red: “Some shifty-looking guy in red power armour, his face obscured by a cloak. At first I thought he was a Blood Angel who hadn't cleaned his armour for ages, but then I caught a look at his chapter badge and it wasn't any I recognised”
Fenix: “Wow, I’ve never heard their chapter badge described like that before. That’s one mental image I could do without.”Leman Russ: “What did it look like?”
Magnus the Red: “A giant bird at the wrong time of the month. Quite disturbing”
Rome: Leaping clear of a gout of molten brass “Hang on, where does that leave the Eldar who teamed up with the Thousand Sons? Who, now I think about it, never featured in the battle at all?”Leman Russ: “I have a horrible feeling I'm only letting myself get suckered into yet another 'just as planned' reveal at the end of this affair … but if it means I get to save Horus' ass then count me in!”
Fenix: “You just know Eldrad’s read the script in advance and already planned some million-to-one scheme…besides, us kicking your ass without you even knowing we were there is the hallmark of a good Eldar strategy. You remember us talking about that?”
Fenix: “See, we did say that.”Kyli: “We’re Eldar, Fenix. We meddle in things. Preferably without anyone noticing. Like in Dan Abnett’s Ravenor series.”
Fenix: “But there weren’t any Eldar in those books!”
Kyli: “See?”
Rome: “Right.” There is a brief lull in the fight as he psy-blasts the brass scorpion across the studio, “Are you done yet?”
Fenix: “Nearly – moving on to the fanon narrative now.”
Fenix: “Wow, that’s the most blatant piece of Slaaneshi propaganda I’ve seen since The Rocky Horror Show.”And for our sakes, Slaanesh, eat with your vagina closed!
* I was reading this thread and laughing like a maniac when the boss’ wife walked into the office, she thought it was one of those lame emails with the pictures and the captions.....till I showed her the thread.
Fenix: “Hey Rome, congratulations!” He holds up a hand to high-five the Librarian; unfortunately Rome uses his power fist hand and slaps Fenix across the room.rome, your ficton is 2nd in brilince only to terry pratchet and lastie him self(kinda jking here, but it is getting a lot better)
Rome: “Whoops…”
Fenix flies into one of the columns holding up the studio ceiling, causing a section of the second floor to come crashing down on top of the brass scorpion.
Rome: “Alright!” He glances rapidly left and right for anyone daring to question that the move was deliberate.
Fenix: Coughing as he disentangles himself from a mass of wood and plasterboard, “Great. Eldar being used as punchbags to make marines look cool. Who’s writing this chapter, Mat Ward?”
Rome: As the brass scorpion begins to dig its way out of the rubble,“Less snarking, more running!”
He pulls Fenix to his feet and the two sprint out of the studio.
Fenix: A few minutes later “Right, where were we?”
Fenix: “Hmmm, I’m quoting myself – that’s interesting.” After a long moment, “Hey wait a minute, what IS my last name? I’ve been part of FarseerMatt’s craftworld background since the beginning and in all that time he hasn’t bothered to give me a surname! I mean seriously, what in the Warp? I’m taking this up with him right now!”Fenix: "Welcome back to the Warp News Network! I'm Fenix the Ranger" [my bad for not knowing Fenix's last name]
Fenix: “Don’t try to distract me by moving on to the next quote!”Since Logan Grimnar answered the wrong question by involving Sisko, I'll add my own, humble advice : Worf, when he was captain of the Defiant ... what's more badass than a Klingon at the helm of a gunboat ?
Fenix: “No, I’m not letting you exploit my racial arrogance!”what's more badass than a Klingon at the helm of a gunboat ?
Fenix: “Well, I suppose it does have to be said…”Lorcryst]what's more badass than a Klingon at the helm of a gunboat ?
Fenix: “An Eldar, of course.”what's more badass than a Klingon at the helm of a gunboat ?
Rome: “Epic arrogance for the win!”
Kyli: Piping up over Fenix’s phone, “Well if you look at it from a certain point of view, Eldar might be considered LESS arrogant than most other 40K races – how many of you encourage the student to question the master? How many of you acknowledge that you screwed up the galaxy and resolve to set it right? How many of you have the social conscience to try and (if I may quote Winter Assault) right the discord in the universal opus? Admittedly it’s often in our own species’ interest to do so...but makes you think, doesn’t it?”
Rome: “Where is she anyway?”
Kyli: “Well, I’ve still got a few more chapters to go before I’m due to reappear, so I thought I’d give you guys a call.”
Fenix: “Any sign of Cristhios? As another fanon character in the official narrative, he could conceivably cause you trouble.”
Kyli: “As far as I know he’s still fighting Lord Aulinias Darakathos...”
[b]Fenix:[/]b “You do realise who you’re talking about, right?”just wanted to point out that Rome has now suffered a perils of the warp attack for using a psychic power against a brass scorpion.
A black gash opens in the air above Rome and a daemonette sticks its head through.
[b]Daemonette:[/]b “It’s tentacle time, human!”
Rome: “Go (back) to hell!”
He headbutts the daemonette back through the portal.
Rome: “Yeah, I’m just that badass.”
Spoiler: Lastie side chapterAnd I wonder what the Primarchs themselves (and the supporting cast) had to say about taking a trip down memory lane to the days of 40K: Broken Edition ...
Codex: Assassins
Master of the Officio Assassinorum: “We rocked. That is all”
Horus: “By the gods, would you look at those stats, the wargear?!?”
[b]Sanguinius: [/]b“I'd rather not, they're making me feel queasy ...”
Magnus the Red: “Why does the Culexus assassin get a 2+ save against everything I do and gets to suck out my soul in the process?”
Hecate: “Because someone obviously confused being a psychic blank with vampirism”
[b]Angron: [/]b“Remind me not to punch an Eversor when they explode like a plasma cannon”
Codex: Angels of Death
Mephiston: “Hell yeah! Strength 10 baby!”
Taldeer: “So strong … just take me now!”
Sanguinius: “Amazing, I can take an entire army of Death Company … who promptly run around individually like headless chickens when the Chaplain's die … and whose bright idea was it to force me to share a 'dex with Lion's angst-ridden brood?”
Lion El'jonson: “Interesting; my Deathwing are supposed to hate the Fallen, but they're Immune to Psychology … can someone tell me how that works?”
Sanguinius: “That's 2nd edition for you”
Codex: Chaos
ABADDON THE GAME DESTROYER!: “YES! I AM THE BEST SPECIAL CHARACTER EVER!”
Mephiston: “Er … Strength 10 with Force Sword? Level 4 psyker?”
ABADDON THE GAME DESTROYER!: “Er … Drach'nyen?”
Mephiston: “... fuck”
Horus: “It can't be that bad- OHMYGODSOHMYGODSTHATHURTS!”
Perturabo: “What else have we got in here? I sense a lack of siege weaponry … no wait I get to use Codex: Imperial Guard too. I'm happy”
Angron: “FRENZIED TERMINATORS! That is all”
Fulgrim: “Sorry guys, I can't hear you over the sound of just how awesome sonic weapons are”
Magnus the Red: “My Thousand Sons rock … wait … what happens when Energy Drain is used?!?”
Codex: CHEESE ... er .. I mean Eldar
Taldeer: “Taste the rainbow, baby”
Ferrus Manus: “Taste the cheese more like it ...”
Eldrad Ulthran: “Excuse me? I'll have you know that the Eldar codex is a shining pinnacle of well-designed balance and integrity”
Silence …
Eldrad Ulthran: “Sorry; couldn't keep that one up – we're mother-loving broken!!!”
Asdrubael Vect: “At you least you existed back in this edition”
Taldeer: “Not true; you got some mentions here and there. Anyway, I'm off to order some more Warp Spider temples to be established”
Eldrad Ulthran: “I want to find what nice man decided to give me Toughness 6 and make sweet, sweet love to him”
Mephiston: “That's disturbing”
Taldeer: “What? Didn't you know all Eldar are bisexual?”
Mephiston: “Personally I thought that was just Vect, but thanks for making my life five hundred times more awesome now. So …”
Taldeer: “I'll ring Macha”
Codex: Imperial Guard
Commissar Sebastian Yarrick: “ARTILLERY BARRAGE!”
Horus: “What the hell?!? You haven't even deployed yet!”
Roboute Guilliman: “And what the hell are these veteran skills? They make guardsmen better than space marines!”
Vulkan: Rocking back and forth. “Can't sleep, ogryns will get me. Can't sleep, ogryns will get me ...”
Codex: Orks
Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka: “MAKARI! Werez you been?”
Makari: “Under your invincible butt boss”
Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka: “That's right! I callz a Waaagh! And nothing can hurt me, not even a warp vortex nuclear planet-busting missile!”
Makari: “Yeah, but boss – youz got no planet under yer feet after that!”
Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka: “A minor issue lad ...”
Codex: Sisters of Battle
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: “Who asked Gav Thorpe to write this?”
Hecate: “Oh give it some love – you can get an army of pony-riding religious fanatics!”
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: “GODS-DAMMIT! YOU AND YOUR GODS-DAMN My Little Pony REDEMPTIONIST ARMY, HECATE!”
Hecate: Girly giggle.
Codex: Space Wolves
Leman Russ: “Wolf Guard terminators with assault cannons and cyclone missile launchers. I'll just leave that sentence here”
Lion El'jonson: “You realise this is why no one likes you?”
Leman Russ: “Do I care?”
Codex: Tyranids
Roboute Guilliman: “Now I understand how my first company got wiped out … they were obviously fighting against this edition. You can do what with a Carnifex? Is that even legal?”
Ferrus Manus: “It's second edition; not even the developers know what's legal”
Vulkan: “This is why Andy Chambers should never write another Codex ...”
Ferrus Manus: “You know he's working on Starcraft 2?”
Vulkan: “... may god have mercy on those poor Terran souls ...”
Sarah Kerrigan: “Hey, I'm not complaining! Now where's my regenerating, 10 wound, warp-field protected Ultralisk?”
Ferrus Manus: “You're a bad, bad woman”
Sarah Kerrigan: “Hey, I'm just-”
Hecate: “Queen bitch of the universe? Piss off darling” Back-handed slap that sends the invading Starcraft bitch flying across the sector. “That position's taken”
Codex: Ultramarines
Roboute Guilliman: “YES! YOU ARE THE GREATEST CODEX EVER!”
Rogal Dorn: “OK, we've run out of time. Roll credits”
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 187 AND CHAPTER 188
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTRome: “Someone remind me what we’re waiting for?”
Fenix: “The author.”
Rome: “So where in Tracy’s name is he?”
Fenix: Peering through a convenient window in the fourth wall “It would seem that FarseerMatt got distracted by Dawn of War II. Gods-damn mon-keigh, attention span of a disabled banana...”
Fenix’s mobile: “Whoa yeah, I’m the type of guy / That likes to roam around / I’m never in one place / I roam from town to town...”
Rome: “Fenix my friend, you REALLY need a new ringtone.”
Fenix: “Quiet you - you being the guy who did a Terminator on his own arm just to prove he’s got the word ‘badass’ etched across his radius and ulna, I wouldn‘t expect you to understand the subtle tie-ins that song represents to my character.” Flipping open his phone “Hello?”
Rome: “Well how else was I supposed to prove it?”
Fenix: Leaning away from his phone “I don’t know, an X-RAY!?”
Rome: “My way was more efficient.”
Fenix: “Urgh, you mon-keigh can only be called efficient in the same way as a house fire is efficient...”
Kyli: Radiating a certain amount of annoyance through the empathic pickups in Fenix’s mobile “Hello? Are you actually going to talk to me?”
Fenix: “Sorry lady Farseer, what can we do for you?”
Kyli: “You can tell me why FarseerMatt’s been wasting time with those three-time Bastards of the Universe champions the Blood Ravens on DoW2 when he’s supposed to be scripting our MST.”
Fenix: “How did you...oh right, you’re a freaking Farseer.”
Kyli: “Yes, as you insist on phrasing it.”
Fenix: “So what can we say about the last few chapters? Well, aside from it being a series of sex jokes at the expense of various Eldar characters?”
Kyli: “One quote at a time Fenix - master one facet, then move on. Remember the Path.”
Fenix: “Screw the Path! I’m a ranger!”
From the other end of the line, Kyli transmits the psychic equivalent of a facepalm.
Fenix: “That’s news to me...”Eldrad Ulthran: “I want to find what nice man decided to give me Toughness 6 and make sweet, sweet love to him.”
Mephiston: “That's disturbing”
Taldeer: “What? Didn't you know all Eldar are bisexual?”
Kyli: “Well, maybe not all Eldar, but it IS true for all of the Ulthwé. You didn’t buy that story about them being called the Masters of the Fluid Path because of their exaggerated psychic potential, did you?”
Fenix: “Excellent. It’s always amusing to watch the humans beat each other up.”Sarah Kerrigan: “Hey, I'm just-”
Hecate: “Queen bitch of the universe? Piss off darling” Back-handed slap that sends the invading Starcraft bitch flying across the sector. “That position's taken”
Rome: “I don’t like your sentiment, but it’s hard to argue that slapping Kerrigan was a bad thing.”
Fenix: “Bloody Starcraft...Rites of War ripoff...” Goes misty-eyed “Oh yeah, Rites of War, where Eldar were badass...”
Kyli: “Eldar are still badass. Have you played DoW2?”
Fenix: Glances back at the first quote “Yeah, but they were still from Ulthwé.”
Kyli: “Now now Fenix, that is Eldrad’s craftworld after all.”
Silvanol’s spirit stone: Audible in the background “Oi! Enough about Eldrad!”
Fenix: “Actually, speaking of Eldrad...lady Farseer, what’s going on with you, Mephiston, Taldeer and the plot device?”
Kyli: “I’m not entirely sure, I didn’t get a line in that chapter.” She executes a complicated Eldar shrug “Oh well, they did say this journey was going to be mostly abstraction.”
Fenix: “She can’t even be bothered to levitate them? She MUST be bored.”Taldeer: “I'm bored” She sighs and continues to attempt to juggle three soulstones above where she sits on the command deck of the Eldar craft.
Fenix: “I told you this chapter was just a string of pussy jokes at the expense of the Eldar cast-members.”Taldeer: “Sorry. I recently switched my part-time Path from The Way of the Flower Arranger to the Way of Self Sexual Satisfaction” She shrugs nonchalantly.
Kyli: “Well you have to remember Fenix, lots of Eldar in one place can create a dangerously awesome plot. We don’t want the narrative to implode under the weight of its own worthiness, so Lastie had to lower the tone a bit to counteract all that awesome.”
Rome: “Is that why he didn’t feature you, Kyli? Because you were too awesome?”
Kyli: Blushes at the compliment “I doubt it, but thanks anyway Rome.”
Rome: “Emperor’s sacred adamantium codpiece! Are you guys for real?”Mephiston: “FIVE DAYS?!? CONSTANTLY?!? You can't be serious?!?”
Taldeer: A little embarrassed. “I'm afraid I am … you see Eldar men are just too arrogant to accept a refractory period. Or muscle fatigue. Or exhaustion. Or anything that gets in the way of good … days-long … sex”
Fenix: “Oh yes. I’m an exception though - for me it’s not arrogance, I AM just that good.”
Rome gives him a sceptical look. Fenix just smiles vaguely, looking at the ceiling.
Fenix: “Ask Laara.”
Rome: “And where’s she?”
Fenix: “Over in the Inquisitor forums, in both of FarseerMatt’s campaign logs. There you go FarseerMatt, I’ve managed to fit your shameless self-advertisement into the script, now let us get on with our job.”
Rome: “Oh crap. Isn’t that where the fanon narrative battle was going on? The one with the Voidwing Titans and all that?”Captain: Studying the charts before him. “Hmm … this is interesting. I doubt this is by chance, my lady, but by some mysterious fortune we seem to have left space near the known position of the craftworld Otogsc”
Kyli: “I hope not. I REALLY don’t need another visit from Captain Cristhios right now...”
Fenix: “But the narratives are separate, surely?”
Kyli: “Lets hope the boundary between the continuities doesn’t wear too thin, or we’ll create the equivalent of another Eye of Terror between narratives.”
Fenix: Subconsciously makes the 8th aspect of the gesture of fear, which roughly translates as ‘oh shit’.
Kyli: “Don’t worry, I’m not going to let something like that happen on my watch...oh and by the way Miss Lastie, the correct term for an Eldar captain is Kionath, or Craftmaster. This is for the passive Aspect of Lileath of course. If it’s a military ship, the word is in the active Aspect of Eldanesh and becomes Kionard. Moving it into the Aspect of Kurnous implies a more experienced Craftmaster and the word becomes Kionare.”
Rome: “Alright little miss clever, just because you got called into the canon narrative doesn’t mean you can correct Lastie.”
Kyli: The empathic pickup indicates that she is holding her hands up placatingly “I was just saying. Anyway there you go, that’s today’s lesson in Eldar language done.”
Fenix: “Oh gods no, not the brylcream marines!”Eldrad Ulthran: “That wouldn't make a very exciting storyline if the bad guys were that obvious, would it? I've been searching for the 'man behind the dead girl', as it were, and I fear I may have found him in the form of the Blood Ravens”
Kyli: “Honestly, if they spent as much time thinking about their actions as gelling their militarily-impractical DoW2 hair...then they wouldn’t have screwed up so badly as to release a greater daemon on Tartarus, wake up the Necrons on Rahe’s Paradise, and repeatedly make life worse for themselves by ruining the Eldar’s plans at every turn without considering the implications!”
Fenix: “In all the four games they’ve featured in, I think Cyrus from DoW2 is the only Blood Raven I would consider vaguely competent...”
Rome: “Oh well, at least we know now why Lastie called this the ‘Dawn of War’ arc...”
Fenix: “Hang on, so where in the name of Khaine’s iron balls are you going now lady Farseer?”Eldrad Ulthran: “This takes priority; I need you to go immediately to Terra and warn my egotistical equal about the danger these Blood Ravens may pose before they make their move.”
Kyli: “I’m guessing it’s all part of the plan...somehow.”
Fenix: “Give us a break lady Farseer, not all of us have read the script...”
Spoiler: Lastie’s responseTaldeer: Horrified. "Oh my gods they're straight!"Fenix: “That’s news to me...”
Asdrubael Vect: "Not necessarily; I've got my suspicions that Fenix is in denial about something ... or that just might be because I want to sleep with him"
Taldeer: "Vect, you want to sleep with everything"
Asdrubael Vect: "Now that's being a true Eldar. You can take your 'Path' crap and shove it up your-"
Ahem.
Marneus Calgar: "Would you rather be having the seven shades of citadel colours beaten out of you by Space Marines again?"Fenix: “I told you this chapter was just a string of pussy jokes at the expense of the Eldar cast-members.”
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I wonder where that went ... well Rome you can keep it. I have no need for protection down there ... FOR MY DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS!!!"Rome: “Emperor’s sacred adamantium codpiece! Are you guys for real?”
Ferrus Manus: "Thank you for forever destroying Gurren Lagann in my mind ..."
Mea culpa. I was too lazy to look it up. Look at it this way though: PRIMARCHS is written for a human audience, so certain elements are translated in the process. You don't really think all these eldar, orks, gods, and the like are all speaking in English do you (neither is any of the humans, for that matter)?Kyli: blah blah blah
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 189
Spoiler: BladeWolf’s fan-fanfictionCristhios: "EMPEROR DAMMIT!"
Corthos: Still battling the Voidwing Titans "What is it my Captain?!"
Cristhios: "The Witch Kyli has evaded me again! She has been returned to a different narrative!" He roars in fury and slashes a Voidwing Titan across the vambrace, detaching his forearms from his body "Now I will never have my vengeance!" Kills a further two Titans to prove a point "Emperor Dammit!"
Lakios: loosing several bolter rounds into the chest of an unfortunate Titan "My Lord surely if the Emperor wills it, we will be sent to, to prosecute our fury against the Xenos!" He snarls as he pushes a chainsword through the breastplate of charging Titan "IN HIS NAME!"
Corthos: smirks at the younger Astartes evident zeal "Aye, if the Emperor wills it captain, it will be done!"
Cristhios: The sword in his hands becomes a blur as he slays a heretic, the black blood of the traitor seeps from the wound and discolours the previously pristine silver floors. "The Emperor has more to do then just alter the fabric of time-space and create a temporal singularity re-adjust the narrative to a form which is both straight, condensed and scaled, otherwise all of creation would both be real, and unreal at the same time, annihilating the grim dark future we know and love." stops killing to think on the matter, his hand starts massaging his chin "It would take a plot device of untold magnitude to facilitate such an event without the God-Emperor intervention."
Lakios: His eyebrows raised "Haruhi Suzumiya did it?"
Corthos & Cristhios: "What?"
Lakios: "Come on guys, its an awesome Anime-" He is cut off by the laughter of the surrounding Titans... He promptly kills a handful
Corthos: "No boy, that wont work here..."
The Dark Titan: Returning from the 'Scrappy heap' "oh come on! the Warp does it, every, single, time"
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFor a change of pace our narrative zooms in on the canon but offscreen craftworld of Otogsc, to the top of one of its more stunning mountain ranges. Farseer Kyli sits, cross-legged, meditating quietly on a vantage point overlooking the glaciated landscape, with Eldrad’s plot device in one hand and a stress ball in the other.
Her phone chimes and she puts down the stress ball to pull the mobile out of her robes and flick it open.
Kyli: “Hello?”
Fenix: “Lady farseer? The post perspective seems to have shifted to focus on you for once, so I thought we’d better call you this time. Latest P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S is up.”
Kyli: Tiredly “Yes, I know.”
Fenix: “Scrying ahead?”
Kyli: “No, first-hand experience.”
Fenix: “Ah, so you featured in the canon again, well done. Thank you Miss Lastie. So shall we get to work? Rome’s already started.”
Rome: “Wow, you guys got OWNED!”
Fenix: “What!? Well...I...” Hangs his head “No...”Marneus Calgar: "Would you rather be having the seven shades of citadel colours beaten out of you by Space Marines again?"
Rome: “Looks like you’re not the only one getting taken down a peg either.”
Rome bursts out laughing.Kyli: blah blah blah
Kyli: Indignantly “What? I was only...”
Rome: “I did warn you guys not to screw with Lastie. She can just toss out one epic burn after another.”
Fenix: “I’d like to see her go head to head with Taldeer in full Dark Crusade mode.”
Over the phone’s psychic pickup, Fenix and Rome can sense Kyli grinding her teeth at the mention of Taldeer’s name.
Rome: “Oooh, someone’s still sore.”
Kyli: “It’s nothing to do with that, Rome.”
Fenix: “So what’s up, then?”
Kyli: “I’ll tell you when we get to the relevant quote.”
Fenix: “True, but wouldn’t writing it in Eldar be inherently more awesome?”Look at it this way though: PRIMARCHS is written for a human audience, so certain elements are translated in the process. You don't really think all these eldar, orks, gods, and the like are all speaking in English do you (neither is any of the humans, for that matter)?
Kyli: “My thoughts exactly, Fenix.”
Rome: “And the fact that most of the audience is human…?”
Fenix: “What of it? Everyone should speak Eldanar.”
Rome: “I thought you didn’t like humans sullying your language?”
Kyli: “Not at all. In fact, it’s rather fun to correct them at every turn when they make a grammatical error. But we digress. Time to have a read over the main chapter.”
Rome: “I take it we’re going to completely ignore the fact that neither of you are speaking Eldanar either?”
Kyli: “Being an Eldar allows you to be arrogant enough to handwave such things. But if you think about it Eldar have mind-speech, and you’re a telepath, and telepathy is universal since it can be rendered in emotions and images as well as words...so one explanation could be that this entire conversation is psychic.”
Rome: “Is it?”
Fenix: Smugly “Maybe, maybe not. But it’s sure as sha’iel going to mess with the minds of the people reading this.”
Fenix: Giving the internet review of one of the Anita Blake novels a cursory glance “I take back what I said a few posts ago. THIS is the most blatant piece of Slaaneshi propaganda I’ve seen since the Rocky Horror Show.”Tzeentch: “Laurell K. Hamilton”
Fenix: “I think we’ve given new ammunition to the members of Warseer who believe craftworlds should have tiny populations but can’t reconcile the idea with the sheer size of the vessels.”Yes … I really don’t want to go there. As I was saying, the craftworlds are considerably large vessels, and as such have room for a vast number of exciting activities, like mountain climbing, cross-country hiking, and harbouring Eldar-sized egos.
Rome: “Is FarseerMatt one of them?”
Fenix: Laughs “Hardly. He’s one of the few fluff-writers whose craftworld actually has a positive growth curve. In the 10,000 years since the Fall, the population of Reia-Hal has slowly expanded from one million refugees to something around one billion. Granted this is still nothing in the grand scheme of a galaxy, or compared to our numbers before the Fall, and is also pretty slow growth for 10 millennia. As such we don’t believe we’re breaking with the ‘dying race’ canon. And the rangers of Reia-Hal have been sent on quite a few missions to hunt down and assassinate people who disagree.”
Rome: “Ah. So that’s why you’re annoyed.”Taldeer: “No! Get back in the gaps between narrative continuities” Gives the other Farseer a shove, after which she promptly disappears. “Greedy bitch. Who does she think she is? A main character?”
Mephiston: Reading what passes for a daily paper amongst Eldar society. “The nerve”
Kyli: “I’m not annoyed as such Rome, just a bit taken aback. I’m not here to steal her thunder, I’m just here to make sure Eldrad’s plot device arrives safely.”
Rome: “You totally ARE annoyed.”
Fenix: “Maybe Taldeer’s just jealous that you’re the one who gets to carry it...”
Kyli: “Indeed.”Taldeer: “Didn’t you know? The guardians of the Black Library are lawyers. ELDAR lawyers on the Path of Legal Proceedings”
Lorgar: “The most horrifying force in the galaxy, as Inquisitor Czevak once said.”
Fenix: “I thought the guardians of the Black Library were Harlequin solitaires?”
Kyli: “One and the same, young Fenix. Think about it - a solitaire’s soul already belongs to the Great Enemy, and to cross one’s path is to invite damnation. Does that not sound like a lawyer to you?”
Rome: “Are they the guys who pulled the plug on that Damnatus fan film?”
Kyli: “No, that was the work of entities even more soulless - the guardians of the OTHER Black Library.”
Rome: “Bastards!”
Fenix: “Could that...could that be the battle between the other fanon forces? You know, BladeWolf and L.A.D?”Mephiston: Trying to puzzle that last one out, turns his head to the windows. “What’s going on outside anyway? Sounds like there’s a war being waged”
Kyli: Darkly “It might be another clever plot point of Lastie’s that he has yet to elaborate on...nevertheless, it’s a possibility that we cannot rule out.”
Fenix: “You’d better get ready, lady farseer, just in case they turn up before Lastie writes the next chapter.”
Silvanol: Glowing defiantly in Kyli’s pocket “Let them...”
Fenix: “Hey, on a different note another fanfic writer joins the thread. Let’s have a look...”
Rome: “Captain Sinon, by the authority of the Linquisition I declare thee to be epic win. The Emperor rejects.”Ghazghkull: actually we didnt die out WE JUST EVOLVED
Paddy O'Guinness(he's a grot): or devolved technically its been proved that a potato has a higher intelligence than the average ork - also technically we were genetically enginered from potatos
Ghazghkull:really so technically the old ones who seeded all life in the universe and then mysteriously disappeared were?
Paddy O'Guinness: the Irish - it figures i mean that’s what the krork were trying to preserve by our kreation - the reason we’re green? the fact we are potatos? it’s all in a new partially fictious book im writing called The O'Vinchi Code
Fenix: “Don’t call it the Linquisition. That makes it sound like you’re headed up by that pixie-hooded twit from Zelda.”
Rome: “Hmmm, perhaps. Alright then, the =L= inquisition. But consider, that pixie-hooded twit you speak of must be fairly respected, for Microsoft to incorporate him into every web browser as a failsafe.”
Fenix: “What are you talking about?”
Rome pulls this picture from his book of top-secret inquisitorial files.
Fenix: “Ah.”
Rome: “Wait, why would Eldrad go to Oxford to learn Eldanar - he already speaks it!”Eldrad: i have the highest score ever achieved
Fenix: “So he can tell them they’re doing it wrong, I imagine...”
Kyli: “Oh no, not another one. I don’t think I could survive crossing swords with ANOTHER fanon character who’s out to get me...”Ghazghkull:well its been nice to have you on... next time on Thraka - should we invade the craftworld of otogsc?
Rome: “Don’t worry Kyli, you’re part of the awesome P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S MST Power Trio. You’ve got through worse.”
Silvanol: “He’s right sweetheart, we’ve survived =L= Rejection, two rounds with Captain Cristhios and a brass scorpion. We can take anything the fanon narrative throws at us.”
Meanwhile, not far away…
Bladewolf's new author avatar in the MST-Narrative, General Thoran of the Imperial Guard 8th Ragnarian Army Group: sitting in a beach deck chair, atop a Mars-pattern Baneblade: "Them be fighting words they be"
Spoiler: Chief L Rome’s favoured momentsPrimarchs! Moments #56
+From Lord Lastie: 'You heard him folks: Make Rome cry by telling him his excellent fiction is excellent. I command you all!'
+Leman Russ thinks for a moment: "I don't remember doing any of that."
Magnus the Red: "You lie!"
Ahriman: "No he's telling the truth!"
Magnus the Red: "How can you be sure?"
Ahriman: "I'm psychic."
Another uncomfortable silence.
Magnus the Red: "Ah... of course" Looks down at Leman Russ. "But I was informed by incredibly reliable sources!"
Ahriman: "Now you mention it, my ex-lord, just who are your 'sources'?"
Magnus the Red: "Some shifty-looking guy in red power armour, his face obscured by a cloak. At first I thought he was a Blood Angel who hadn't cleaned his armour for ages, but then I caught a look at his chapter badge and it wasn't any I recognized."
Rome blushes... and fidgets... and looks away from the reader hoping not to look too obvious.
+Leman Russ: "I have a horrible feeling I'm only letting myself get suckered into yet another 'just as planned' reveal at the end of this affair... but if it means I get to save Horus' ass then count me in!"
+From Iamthenight: Rome, your fiction is 2nd in brilliance only to Terry Pratchet and Lastie himself.
and where the !@$# is Cypher? is he going to lead the rebellion against the Lion?
+Fenix: "You do realise who you're talking about, right?"
A black gash opens in the air above Rome and a daemonette sticks its head through.
Daemonette: "It's tentacle time, human!"
Rome: "Go [back] to hell!"
He headbutts the daemonette back through the portal.
Rome: "Yeah, I'm just that badass."
Primarchs! Moments #57:
+2nd Edition Codices
Primarchs! Moments #58:
+Taldeer: "What? No! I mean... look... I'm not sure how to phrase this, but... Eldar men usually... last... longer..."
Mephiston: "How much longer?"
Taldeer mumbles something almost unintelligible.
Mephiston: "FIVE DAYS!? CONSTANTLY!? You can't be serious!?"
Taldeer: A little embarrassed. "I'm afraid I am... you see Eldar men are just too arrogant to accept a refractory period."
Primarchs! Moments #59:
+Rome: "Emperor's sacred adamantium codpiece! Are you guys for real?"
THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I wonder where that went... Well Rome you can keep it. I have no need for protection down there... FOR MY DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS!!!"
To Arikromus: you dared push a button that says 'DO NOT PUSH', an open door thats meant to remain closed, a force which was 'never' here is invited back by a selfish action. Therefore, is this menace, this threat breaks into our galaxy, you will be executed like a traitor. We, the Ordo Lastie, shall keep a close eye on your actions.
To CaptainSinon: For a better writing than C.S. Go... you get Grox-shaped cookies. HOWEVER for deeming a Space Marine Librarian a mere mortal, you get a redshirt... (which in fact is an Artifact of Death) AND as a bonus, see what I address to Arikromus; this message is also for you.
To Daemonprinceofchaos: Umm... unlike here, TSLR has pictures, but is more of a comic strip on a newspaper and its good. love those Necrons lolz and the 'Cokefex' FTW...
From Daemonprinceofchaos ":Now my friend and god [Lastie] shut up as Abaddon and crew need to talk...
Rome: "Did this Daemon just told Lord Lastie to shut up?"
Christios, THAT guy is all yours! And yes, its an Inquisitorial order. Exterminate/Banish on sight.
Rome recieves some information through the =L= network. After looking for a while, he looks at his comrade Fenix: "Kyli's in danger. Sadly not all members of the =L= understand how important is an Inquisitorial asset that's not theirs until its lost [like a certain Captain who destroyed a book, releasing a Daemon]. Of course, is not THEIR problem."
Fenix: "We can't do a thing; Craftworlds move too much to pinpoint them."
Rome: "Maybe we could ask your Craftworld for some assistance." Using the command display, a team of Bonesingers appear singing an ancient chant of Metallica.
Bonsinger #1: "Ah Chief Rome, Destroyer of Khorne, what can we do for you?"
Rome: "Mack, I'm sure you remember that favor I owe you for somehow destroying that Scorpion?" Mack nods happily, knowing what's commin. "I need you to build a Wraithlord."
The awesome chanting stops.
Mack: "Do you know how many of those things I have here? 5, Mon-keigh and they're all in shambles. Give me what I want or else!!"
Rome shows them this picture: https://www.geekologie.com/2008/10/28/munn-1.jpg
Mack and the others gather and come to the same conclusion: "We'll build the construct as you wish, however you must also agree to recite or show us how Terra's religion is by the Imperial Palace, which used to be Europe."
Rome: "... Fine.
HEAVEN is where the Police is British, the Chefs Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers French and is all Organized by the Swiss.
HELL is where the Police is German, the Chefs British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers Swiss and is all Organized by the Italians."
Mack and the others giggle like girls and start chanting rites from Red Hot Chilli Peppers Followed by Nine Inch Nails and Rammstein: "We will contact you in about a month."
The screen returns to the great swirl that is the Warp.
Linux: "My Lord, where are we headed?"
Rome: "Isn't it obvious? We're headed for Holy Terra. To pick up the Emperor's Codpiece! I'll have to paint it first as its too bright."
Teh Ned?
PART 2
Thank you everyone! New PRIMARCHS will be up when I've finished re-writing it [had an awesome idea that [unfortunately] completely changed the original ending I had planned for this arc, but I think you guys will like it.]
My lord, this day I shall give you homage for the great things, inspirations, Writer Blocks and absolute WIN that makes PRIMARCHS with this:
In a small room, Angron, Mortarius, Rome, Bjorn the Fell-handed and Leman Russ were making preparations for Lord Lastie.
Mort: "So this is what a cake looks like?" observing what appears a cake with the Imperial Aquila shape.
Rome: "Yes. Emperor approved."
Bjorn: "And what does cake taste like?"
Leman Russ: "Well, lad it tastes like... like... Ale?"
Angron: "NO! It tastes like the blood of the innocent!"
Lorcryst: "I say, it tastes wonderful."
Everyone looks at Lorcryst.
Lorcryst: "... **** cheeseburguers!" And commences to outrun 3 Primarchs, a Venerable Dreadnought and an Inquisitorial Psyker.
Enjoy the remainder of this day; for it is yours. Cheers
-Dave
Spoiler: Captain Malachi’s inquisition MSTCut to the bridge of the imperial battleship Emporers Glory, where two inquisitors, resplendant in their power armour and mighty Beards of Power, are quietly talking amongst themselves.
Inquisitor Levinski: "Do you think The Almighty's birthday would be a good time to introduce our own lame attempt at humour?"
Inquisitor Nicodemo: "Well, probably, but unfortunately, we missed it....."
Levinski: "Well if you hadn't insisted we stop at that rather risque sororitas convent we'd have been here three days ago."
Nicodemo: sighs nostagically. "That was a good weekend."
Levinski: Also sighing. "yes, it was. I miss Helena already."
Lorgar: "Ehem."
Levinski and Nicodemo: "Sorry."
Levinski: "Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, we were going to annoy the masses with lame humour, would you care to start us off?"
Nicodemo: "Not really."
Levinski: "Oh, erm, ok. Quote time."
Nicodemo: Well, it's as good a place as any to start. Do you have any idea who that is?Tzeentch: “Says the second biggest Laurell K. Hamilton fan under the known suns of the multiverse (after Vect)”
Levinski: Not a clue. Pornstar maybe?
Nicodemo: Go look him/her up on wikipedia while I do the next quote and hopefully get around to making this funny as opposed to two old men talking.
Nicodemo: "I thought that was obvious."Taldeer: “Didn’t you know? The guardians of the Black Library are lawyers. Eldar lawyers on the Path of Legal Proceedings”
Levinski: Looking up from his laptop. "Yes, but you have to remember The People are really really dumb. They can't see the obvious because they spend too much time making everything complicated."
Nicodemo: "Yeah yeah, people are retards, can't you say something else for once." Lowers his voice. "Bloody emo, worse than Mortarion."
Levinski: "I'm anti-social, not deaf."
Nicodemo: "Let's get another quote."
Lorgar: “I love this craftworld – they’re Chaos worshippers and they don’t even know it yet. Wait until they find my explanatory pamphlets spread around their schools” Grins. “Then the fun starts!”
Levinski: "Isn't he the one who's meant to be keeping this thing PG13?"
Nicodemo: "Yes, and I fail to see what about that sentence isn't PG-" Realisation dawns. "Oh for The Emporers sake Lev, do I have to wash your brain out with soap?"
Levinski: "Do we even have soap?"
Nicodemo: "You know, I don't know. I suddenly realise how Union Rep #1 feels."
Levinski: "It's ok Nic, we're fan made characters, we'll get a decent backstory one day. Oh hey, I found out who Laurell K. Hamilton is."
Nicodemo: Leaning over to see the screen. "Well, let's see...... Oh, that's not as interesting as I thought it would be. Talk about a lame way to end an opening scene. I didn't even manage to turn it from two old men talking in to something funny."
Tell me about it, now get back in the box.
Until next time folks.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt’s Eldar MSTFenix: “Uh oh.” He pulls out his phone “I’d better call Kyli and see how she’s doing.”Rome recieves some information through the =L= network. After looking for a while, he looks at his comrade Fenix: "Kyli's in danger. Sadly not all members of the =L= understand how important is an Inquisitorial asset that's not theirs until its lost [like a certain Captain who destroyed a book, releasing a Daemon]. Of course, is not THEIR problem."
There is a tense silence as the phone rings once, twice, then three times with no answer.
Fenix: “Come on, come on…”
Rome: “Oh well, while we’re waiting:”
Rome: “In honour of this momentous milestone, oh Chaos God-Emperor of Fankind, I hereby present thee with the highest honour in the =L= inquisition, the medal of Ingens Laurus.”Happy birthday lastie!!!!!!!!!
Fenix: “What’s that? My high gothic is rusty.”
Rome: “Ingens laurus means epic win. I googled a latin translator.”
Fenix: “Yeah, an online translator should provide the kind of dog-latin that you mon-keigh like to pass off as high gothic…”
Fenix: “I could make a joke about Inquisition armies being beardy, but I like to think that Eldar humour is more subtle than that.”Cut to the bridge of the imperial battleship Emporers Glory, where two inquisitors, resplendant in their power armour and mighty Beards of Power, are quietly talking amongst themselves.
Rome: “Still, two more Ordo Lastie Inquisitors can’t be a bad thing right?”
Fenix: Glancing at the sky for incoming nukes “Speak for yourself…”
Rome: “Welcome to the thread, fellow Inquisitors!”
There is a click from Fenix’s phone.
Kyli: “Hello? Sorry, all the new fanon posts flying around mean the connection’s a bit slow.”
Fenix: “Ah, thank gods for that. We thought you were in trouble. How’s it going for you? Taldeer not putting you down too much?”
Rome: “I thought she kicked you out of the narrative? Don’t you have to follow her rules in the canon plot?”
Kyli: “Well the way I see it, Eldrad is from the official Eldar codex, while Taldeer is only from Dawn of War. Therefore, Eldrad is higher canon. So I can choose to take his order to deliver the plot device over Taldeer’s order to GTFO.”
Fenix: “Devious…”
Rome: “Eldrad doesn’t seem too happy with you at the moment though…”
Ghazghkull: i have created a machine which uses a persons arrogance as a weapon
oh god no
Eldrad: heeeeeell yeah
looks like kyli loses
Fenix: “What in the name of Lileath’s shroom-induced visions?”
Rome: “Is it permissible by the laws of the =L= Inquisition to commandeer Lastie’s canon characters like that?”
Kyli: “Let’s scry back through the narrative and get to the bottom of this…”
Kyli: “Isha’s tears, Captain Sinon, what did I ever do to you?”Ghazghkull: i have taken on some work in my spare time
really what?
Ghazghkull: Assassin
ohhhh so who have you got to kill
Ghazghkull: it says... 'you must kill kyli for this i will pay you one waaagh '
Fenix: “More importantly, who’s contracting his characters to assassinate ours? The Blood Ravens?”
Rome starts fidgeting again
Kyli: “Surely not, I’m technically not even FROM this narrative.”
Fenix: “But you ARE carrying a Plot Device…”
Kyli: “I didn’t piss off Lastie personally…did I?”to kill some one whose survived even lasties wroth?
Fenix: Glancing back at FarseerMatt’s very first P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S MST post “Not at the time that the =L= bombed us I’m pretty sure.”
Rome: “Fail begets retribution, ha ha, I’d forgotten that one…”
Rome: “And speaking of fail, it’s the Ragnarok II, not the Rome’s Ruins! If he wasn’t just a thrall and could be expected to know better I would have him executed for creating a potential plot hole!”Thrall #67381: no it's an inquisitor the ships name is rome's ruins, he demands you to surrender your ship and life to him
Abaddon>attack>shooting>Armageddon gun
Direct hit for lose of bow, steern, right and left... Ok the whole thing blows up and we see a single escape pod floating away
Rome: “And an unprovoked attack upon a servant of the holy =L= inquisition! THIS MEANS WAR!”
Kyli: Dryly “Well this just keeps getting better.”Cristhios: "EMPEROR DAMMIT!"
Corthos: Still battling the Voidwing Titans "What is it my Captain?!"
Cristhios: "The Witch Kyli has evaded me again! She has been returned to a different narrative!" He roars in fury and slashes a Voidwing Titan across the vambrace, detaching his forearms from his body "Now I will never have my vengeance!" Kills a further two Titans to prove a point "Emperor Dammit!"
Fenix: “Oh well, that’s alright then. Where are they going to find a…”Lakios: loosing several bolter rounds into the chest of an unfortunate Titan "My Lord surely if the Emperor wills it, we will be sent to, to prosecute our fury against the Xenos!"
Cristhios: stops killing to think on the matter, his hand starts massaging his chin "It would take a plot device of untold magnitude to facilitate such an event without the God-Emperor intervention."
Fenix: “…Oh. Damn you mon-keigh writers and your lazy plot devices!”The Dark Titan: Returning from the 'Scrappy heap'"oh come on! the Warp does it, every, single, time"
Cristhios: Appearing from thin air on Kyli’s hilltop, accompanied by his squad of elite Frost Wolves, and wearing a triumphant smile “Say what you like, alien, they get the job done.”
Rome: “What the hell, reality hacks!?”
Kyli: Rising wearily to her feet “So it has come to this, then.”
Cristhios: “I swear, if you try to put out that this was ‘just as planned’…”
Fenix: “Damn it, he’s thought of everything.”Bladewolf's new author avatar in the MST-Narrative, General Thoran of the Imperial Guard 8th Ragnarian Army Group: sitting in a beach deck chair, atop a Mars-pattern Baneblade "Them be fighting words those be"
Rome: “So that’s his game. By creating a second author avatar in our narrative, he can fight us separately.”
Fenix: “TWO author avatars? Oh come on!”
Cristhios: “Not as planned I think, alien.”
Fenix: “Ceiba ny shak! You son of a…”
The space marine captain jams his phone, cutting him off.
Cristhios: “Just you and me this time, xenos witch.”
Corthos: “And me.”
Cristhios: Jerks his thumb back over his shoulder “Okay, and him.”
Lakios: “And me.”
Cristhios: “Alright, yes, Lakios as well.”
Fanon!Ghazghkull: Jumping over from Captain Sinon’s post, wielding a weapon so big he must surely be compensating for something “DON’T FORGET ME!”
Cristhios: Starting to get a little irritated “Okay, yes, fine! The point is,” he turns to shoot a meaningful glance at Kyli “You’re not getting away this time.”
Silvanol: Glowing an angry red from Kyli’s hip “Bring it on, monkey boy!”
Kyli: “I always knew you’d be back, captain,” a slight smile tugs at the corner of her mouth “And so I took precautions.”
Cristhios: “You mean Eldrad’s plot device? You’re not allowed to use that. It’s powerless until the Lord Lastie unveils its true purpose.”
Kyli: “Not Lastie’s plot device, no. MY plot device.” she pulls something from inside her robes “You remember a few pages back when I asked Eldrad for his autograph after the Eldar Tea Party episode?”
Cristhios: Genre-savvy as only an author-avatar can be “Yes. Your sarcastic friend, the one who thinks he’s Aragorn with a sniper rifle…”
Kyli: “Fenix.”
Cristhios: “…Fenix, he asked you if you’d got it, and you said to avoid plot holes you weren’t going to say until the appropriate time.”
Kyli: “Exactly. Well now’s the time. I did get his autograph. And not just signed on paper.”
She opens her hand to reveal a small piece of wraithbone, etched with a single heirogram signature.
Cristhios: “Signed on WRAITHBONE? But that makes it…”
Kyli: “A psychic rune, yes. A new and powerful rune, the rune of Eldrad! And if that’s not a plot device then I don’t know what is!”
Fanon!Ghazghkull: “Son of a…”
Kyli: “And with it, I can do THIS!”
She casts the rune into the air, and a portal explodes into being in the air above them. Through the swirling nimbus of light come Fenix and Rome. Unfortunately, the circle of light that the portal describes is horizontal rather than vertical, so that they immediately fall to the ground between the two opposing sides.
Kyli: As Fenix fails his Catfall test and faceplants “Hmmm. I suppose I should have guessed that using a rune of Eldrad would have some dickish side-effects.”
Fenix: Speaking from the floor at Kyli’s feet “How in the name of Isha’s favourite pot plant did you do that?”
Kyli: “This setting practically runs off the Rule of Cool. And the Rule of Cool states that anything is possible, if you’re awesome enough.”
Fenix: Getting up and dusting himself down “Still, would you warn us next time before you do something like that?”
Rome: Looking up at the silently-spinning portal with interest “Wow, that’s this episode’s special effects budget down the drain.”
Cristhios: “Damn your pixie tricks, Eldar! But we still outnumber you, we have egos to rival even yours, and we are SPACE MARINES!”
Fanon!Ghazghkull: “Ahem, I’m an Ork.”
Cristhios: “Yes, yes, alright. The point I’m trying to make is that every one of us is the physical manifestation of the Rule of Cool you so prize. So try and beat THAT!”
Kyli: “You are clearly well versed in the Tome of Tropes, captain, but so again are we. And Rome gave me an idea in his last post.”
Kyli: “I’m invoking the Theme Music Power Up!”Using the command display, a team of Bonesingers appear singing an ancient chant of Metallica.
An awesome soundtrack begins to play.
Fenix: “We are indestructible!”
Kyli: “Determination that is incorruptible.”
Rome: “From the other side a terror to behold.”
Fenix: “Annihilation will be unavoidable.”
Kyli: “Every broken enemy will know.”
Silvanol: “That their opponent had to be invincible.”
Fenix: “So take a last look around while you’re alive.”
Rome: “We are indestructible masters of WAAAAR!”
As Rome dwells on the last note with his power fist held dramatically in the air, Fenix and Kyli dart forward to attack.
Spoiler: BladeWolf's fan-fanfictionMeanwhile at a computer in the Real-World Narrative.Kyli: “I’m invoking the Theme Music Power Up!”
BladeWolf: -insert super-lol sound here-
Meanwhile thousands of Narratives away.
Cristhios: "Why is it this always happens? We show up try to look all cool and BAM! someone starts singing, admittedly its not a choir of thousands of prepubescent boys but still..." He is cut off by a sudden noise of a rather politically hilarious song. The attacking Eldar stop still. The Captain and the rest of the marines look around for a second before Cristhios suddenly jerks and looks rather sheepish as he pulls his mobile phone from his pocket. "My bad" He answers, still slightly puzzled how he's getting a singnal in a different narrative "Hello?"
A few seconds pass, the look on the Cristhios' face goes from embarrassed to stoic, to proud, then goes to a look of despair and dread
Cristhios: looking rather sullen "Uhhuh... yes...yes... no they dont... yes..."
Corthos: "Who is it my lord? We have Xenos to purge and a Heretic to burn and..." He is silenced by that gesture you make on the phone when you want someone to shut the hell up.
Cristhios: Still on the phone "yup... ya... yes i do realise-.... but if-... yes I do know that i'm a Captain and-... Yes ok, They're right here... Im not sure putting you on speaker will help my situation my lord..." He sighs "Fine... a moment my lord" He fiddles with the keypad, clearly unsure of what he's doing.
After a minute of watching the Captain fiddling with the iPhone. Lakios turned to Corthos
Lakios: "Where's Ghazghkull got to?"
Corthos points over to the side of the hill, where indeed THE most feared Ork Warlord in the galaxy was playing his ridiculous weapon as a guitar
Fanon!Ghazghkull: "“Sa' take da las' look round yours' while you’re still 'live, We are inda-struk-table marrstars of WAAAAGGGH!”*
Lakios: shouts to the Eldar "Look what you did now!"
The Librarian merely glances over to the Ork and starts laughing.
After a further minute of waiting, Fenix strides forward, with a deft swipe of his hand he takes the phone and move to press the button clearly marked 'Speaker' He however sees the caller ID, and immediately drops the phone as if it was made of raw chaos.
Fenix: issues several curses incredibly loud in Eldar. Rome and Kyli are suddenly shocked and taken aback by the sudden string of expletives
Rome: "That bad eh? I know, I hate that model too."
The phone starts to emit noise and it becomes clear what Fenix had dropped the phone for.
Marneus Calgar, Chapter Master of the Ultrasmurfs: "Whaaas up dawgs?! Kicking some Eldar behind fo shizzle!"
--------------
For those who want to skip ahead to fight and miss out the comedic parts. Here is my version of events. (Forgiveness for any mis-representation - also Sorry for any glaring spelling/grammer errors) I'd like to point out I Did and Did not do the Research for some parts (Its very late/early in the morning here)
The Captain and the Wolves of the Emperor rushed to meet the Alien and the heretic.
The three against a veritable force of elite warriors. The Captain led proudly from the front, his relic sword raised high, his throat giving voice to the Frost Wolf warcry. To the left of him Veteran Sergeant Corthos was silent, the crack of his bolt pistol and the whine of his chainsword are the only cries of battle he needs. Lakios laughed as he raiseed the Bolter-Flamer combo; he lived for the exact situations like these, his silver Deathwatch shoulder armour shone in the light.
Assault Veteran Sergeant Cyrus launched into the air on wings of fire and fury, his Axe raised high. Techmarine Proxy raised his bolter and uttered a prayer to the machine god. Apothecary Placebo unsheathed his anointed power sword and prepared his plasma pistol. Chaplain Moradantes, the Crozius crackling in the ears of all around, began to pray with a fire in his voice, incensing all of his battle brothers. Librarian Ai Nergalus sighted the opposing Librarian of the enemy, after a brief thought of melancholy of battling a comrade, the Librarian raised his force weapon, the Staff of Purgation and made ready for war.
Most deadly of all was Ancient Cerverus, the gold-trimmed and decorated armoured sarcophagus, veteran of a thousands campaigns, of tens of thousands of battles. Each of his steps shook the ground and the bellow of war from its vox-caster showed his intent. "The Eldar were the death of me once, they will not be again" the Former Captain whispered.
Battle was joined in a flurry of blades, bolts, bullets and warp spells.
Cristhios typically clashed with the enemy Farseer, his sword coming down to bisect the smaller Eldar from the shoulder to the waist only to miss by a hair's breadth. The return slash of the witchblade was deftly blocked by the veteran swordsman. The Eldar cursed in her native language as her eyes began to flicker and spark like lightning.
Knowing the danger the Dreadnought posed, Rome brought the duty of eliminating it to him and his power fist. After a brief prayer of war, the blue armoured librarian charged, fist raised high and a snarl on his lips. The meters between them passed in mere seconds, soon the great war machine was looming over the Astartes. With a defiant growl the Librarian thrust his fist forward hoping to connect with lower half of the face-plate of the Venerable Dreadnought. But it was not to be, The Dreadnought had not survived three millennia of war by sheer luck, he countered by punching forward with his left fist. The whirring manipulator arm collided with the simple power fist. A golden shower of sparks erupted between the two. Both sides remained still despite the impressive display of force. The two were locked for a moment in a contest of strength, the psychically enhanced might of the Astartes Librarian versus the sheer raw strength of the machine.
The contest lasted all the time it took for the Dreadnought to swing its other fist into the vulnerable flank of the librarian who was sent several meters away from the Dreadnought.
The tumbling form of the Astartes landed almost two dozen meters away, pain racked his torso. The Librarian pushed himself to his knees, absently rubbing the blood away from his features, "thats one hell of a right-hook" he quipped as he stood tall again.
Fenix got precisely two shots off before he was forced to abandon the long rifle by the enraged form of the Assault Marine landing squarely on top of him. The force of the landing drove the air from the Ranger's lungs as he sent back toward the welcoming earth. As he shook the spots from his eyes the Assault Sergeant would not allow Ranger a moment of peace as he drove on top of him with his axe.
Fenix had to muster all his Eldar agility to roll out of the way of the deadly axehead in time. He scrambled for his sword, to his chagrin, it was trapped underneath him and was of no use. With another display of impressive spatial awareness the Eldar avoided death again. This was going to the Warp fast the Ranger thought bitterly as he rolled to his feet. The blade came free at last and now provided if nothing else, a token defence against the Assault Sergeant.
Kyli deflected another strike with Christios' blade. The Captain was indeed like a Wolf, hounding her constantly not allowing her a moments peace.
"Why has it come to this mon-keigh?" she spoke to her attacker, "Surely together we could be a force against the plot holes and the other myriad threats to the continuity!"
The Captain laughed harshly as he struck against her, sending the Farseer crashing to the ground and the sword clattering down the hillside.
"You sue for peace now, witch?" He spat the word "It was you attacked my Master first!"
The Farseer held up a single finger "Actually you attacked me first... remember? the whole unabashed rip-off of the Dawn of War 2 opening, sans an incredibly sadistic Dreadnought"
The Captain shrugged "That was a mission, ordered by the Chapter Master, I follow orders just as you would from your 'Five'" he retorted nonchalantly, preparing to renew his assault, "Besides, your attack was unprovoked ergo this is justice for the Stormtroopers you slaughtered!" He roared as he dug the sword down into the chest of the Farseer. Her eyes shut tightly in antcipation of a sure death... which never came.
The spirit stone on Kyli's waist spat "Leave my girlfriend alone!"
Kyli saw the Captain had been flung half a dozen feet away. The relic blade was cast to his side. The Farseer pulled her self up with a quizzical glance down to see if the sword tip had touched at all. Her eyes widened in fury,
"You bastard! This was my best rune-cloak!*" The tip had indeed touched her dress, if Silvanol had not of saved her, she would have been skewered.
(* What do Eldar Farseers wear outside of battle?)
Sluggishly, she moved over to the prone Captain, the first signs of him regaining consciousness were obvious. Her witchblade behind her somewhere, she gripped the handle of the Relic Blade, the ungainly and wieghty weapon was clearly not for an eldar to wield. nevertheless she stood poised to end this once and for all. She rose the blade high and looked down on the mon-keigh.
"This is it" she smiled as she willed her muscles to end her torment at the hands of a single Space Marine.
"Captain" A voice bellowed as a bolter round creased the perfect skin of the Farseer. By reaction she flinched, the Relic Blade stabbing cleanly into the soft soil beside the Captain's head.
Lakios fired again aiming to kill the witch. Kyli grimaced as she uttered a syllable and a bloom of eldritch lightning sparked from her outstretched hands in front of her, detonating the bolt safely as it passed through the impromptu shield. A simple flick of her wrist sent a similar bolt coursing through the air into the chest of the boy. A cry of agony leaked from his lips as he collapsed, dead.
"Witch!" The Captain roared as he threw himself up at her from below. Not bothering with any weapon other then his hands. He grappled with the Farseer, a contest of strength he won in spades. The Raw strength of the Astartes proved superior to the alien.
"I am a Captain of the Emperor's Space Marines" he whispered. "I am Cristhios Lognus of Ragnarius and I am do not fear you Alien, for I am Fear Incarnate!." he half-roared as his guantlets found purchase around the Farseer's neck. Her eyes locked with his. She could see the untamed fury writhing around inside the Astartes.
The Farseer looked unimpressed, "Congratulations, you can say your own name..." She taunted in a meek voice, rapidly running out of air, her eyes started to flare up again and a confident smrik spread across her face. "Now can you say 'Psyker?'"
A blinding flash of light enveloped them both.
Nergalus moved like the wind towards the enemy Librarian, this, Rome. The sadness within Nergalus heart started to rise by the time he reached the fellow. "Stop this" he cried hoping to end a futile battle but Rome was caught up in his fury as he launched himself towards Ancient Cerverus. The Venerable Dreadnought rounded and stomped towards the charging Astartes, the storm bolter spitting death towards the incoming threat.
Ai had to stop this; he felt the waves of anger and confusion wriggling out of the mind of his opponent. Nergalus locked his view to point equidistant between both honourable warriors. He pushed his mind to that single location; every iota of his soul was forced with his mighty willpower into a single point in space. The world lost all colour and hue, air became a definite chill. The Warp and the real world started to bleed into each other; the solid, comforting reality was invaded by insanity given form. Nergalus felt the slimy tendrils of the denizens of the Emperor forsaken realm wrap around him. With this single instant came a beacon of hope, a tiny nimbus of pure light shining down on the humble Librarian, the Astronomicon, the Emperor’s light.
As soon as it started, it was over. Whatever tenuous hold the daemons held on him was lost as soon as happened. Nergalus stood between both Rome and Cerverus, despite his appearance, neither had faltered in their charge. Nergalus felt his ire roil and boil within him as he watched the enemy Librarian raise his fist to the sky and bellowed “In the Emperor’s name!”
Ai felt his lips move before he could control them; “The Emperor would not want this” he scowled as he dropped into a combat stance, the staff horizontally level in front of him. The chill returned to the back of his neck as he focused on the enemy Librarian, despite his hatred for this infighting, he would not allow the Honoured Ancient to come to harm.
It seemed Rome was too distracted by the prospect of felling the millennia old warrior he missed the perfectly transcribed arc of the staff whipping into his chest. The Librarian’s legs flew up as he dropped to the ground. To Rome the world blurred and all he felt was an immense pain in his soul. It was as if it was being shredded but by someone clearly reluctant to go through with it. Rome rolled to his feet bringing the fist to bear on Nergalus in the same swing. The power fist cracked loudly on the waist of the Frost Wolf, sending him reeling for a second. However the power fist was not a force weapon and therefore Nergalus’ soul was safe from destruction. That alone gave him a massive advantage.
Ai span the staff back into the fray, smashing the power fist from in front of him, giving him a unblocked avenue of attack. Nergalus drove his fist into the jaw of his enemy. The blow knocked the spittle and blood from Rome’s jaw, his grimace deepened as he tried to return the favour, still delirious from nearly having soul annihilated failed to react when the still pristine-souled opponent span, driving the butt of the staff into his gut. Rome coughed harshly as he bit back the urge to vomit; he staggered a few feet before bringing the power fist around in a wide arc hopefully into the shoulder of Nergalus. Ai jerked back he became aware of the danger, unfortunately the fist still skimmed the armour, smashing the entire plate cleaning into three separate pieces. The crackling energy field raced up the collar of Nergalus and into the hood, electing a agonized cry from the Epistolary as his skin cooked in a microsecond.
“Brother-Librarian” a voice boomed behind Rome who turned in surprise. The Armoured Dreadnought was on top of him, Rome’s eyes widened in a chilling stab of shock. The Dreadnought close combat weapon darted forward, Rome forced his psychic might forward into a physical barrier between him and certain death. Again mental might fought machine strength in a battle for dominance. Rome took what he could and darted to the side of the angered Dreadnought. Cerverus bellowed a challenge as the field of psychic strength dissipated and he turned on the now disadvantaged Rome. Before the follow-up fit could even begin to swing, Rome was catapulted away from the Dreadnought by some other worldly force. Rome turned his eyes towards the manifestation of flame, at first he mistook it for a Avatar of Khaine, but the fact that it was as if a giant burning wolf was forcing him away dispelled that theory. The manifestation dissipated eventually and Rome was left lying, bleeding from the newly inflicted burns.
Rome glanced back towards the oncoming Librarian and Dreadnought, in a minute they would be on him again. Rome however had less then that as a shadow descended across him. Rome dared to look up.
“Its squishin’ time” the Ork Prophet grinned
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 190
Spoiler: BladeWolf's fan-fanfictionMeanwhile, back in the fanon narrative...
General Thoran:reading the newly posted P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S "Sweet Emperor..."
Random =L= Stormtrooper: "What General?"
The General points out the part he was just reading
=L= Stormtrooper: "Sweet Emperor..."
General Thoran: "My thoughts exactly"
=L= Stormtrooper: looks idly at his Linquisition badge "I dont know whether to be shocked or confused, what did I just read"Horus: “Oh … thanks” Frowns. “Hey, what's that sound? Sounds like- HECATE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?”
They round a corner and see Rogal Dorn enjoying Hecate against one of the pillars.
Hecate: “I'm not Lady Hecate”
Rogal Dorn: Not looking round, and caught up in the moment. “But she is for the moment!” Turns around. “OH SHIT!” Tries to disengage in a hurry, which proves a little … awkward …
As per comic timing, the real Hecate and the false Rogal Dorn walk in as the real Dorn writhes on the floor with the callidus assassin.
General Thoran: "Well, when a sister and brother love each other very much... umm... Theres a lot of this and Elements of this"
=L= Stormtrooper: "Would it be fair to say that this isnt quite PG-13 content?
General Thoran: "Either this is played for laughs or the Great Lastie has gone off his meds"
=L= Stormtrooper: "Not WIN & AWESOME?"
General Thoran: "The first bit, yes, but that second bit is just... creepy"
=L= Stormtrooper: "Wait, It isnt the real Hecate, therefore its ok... right?"
General Thoran: "Technically yes... but the fact that Lord Primarch Dorn is that messed up is worrying.
=L= Stormtrooper: "Ok, In the name of the =L= Inquisition I declare the first part Winnius Awesomus!, and the second, Extremis Disturbius with also Winnus Awesomus..."
General Thoran: "Smart move Stormtrooper... smart move"
A moment passes
General Thoran: "moving swiftly on!"
=L= Stormtrooper: "Did he just bad mouth the EMPEROR OF MANKIND!"Malcador: “And that's the only reason why I keep you around, you pitiful egotistical excuse for a Mary Sue”
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: “I'm not a Mary Sue; all the developers just happen to have a massive man-crush on me”
General Thoran: "Yes, yes he did..."
Thoran watches as the =L= Stormtrooper starts talking very fast into his armour's vox-caster.
=L= Stormtrooper: "Thats sorted now"
General Thoran: "Your not the ACTUAL Inquisition, you dont any authority to kill Macaldor, More due to the fact that we're in a completely different Narrative, keeping this stupid cinema warm."
=L= Stormtrooper: "I know, I was ordering more popcorn, I smell a beatdown, Emperor-Class style."
General Thoran: "Fair enough... next!"
=L=Stormtrooper: "Wait a minute, this has been bugging me for ages now, She is dead, The Blood Ravens won the Dark Crusade and they annhilate the Eldar!"Taldeer: “OK that is the last time I use Plot-Convenient-Webway tunnels to travel. I swore we passed Cegorach back there. He seemed to be laughing at us”
General Thoran: turns to the Stormtrooper "So you have no problem with the fact that every single Primarch along with the two lost Primarchs not to mention the traitor Primarchs are alive and well?"
=L=Stormtrooper: shakes his head "Nope, none at all, for they are made of Cool and it has been proven that no Eldar has ever been cool, ever."
It is at this point that the fabric of time and space rips in front of the Stormtrooper, just large enough for a head to fit. Out of this spatial anomaly comes the head of Uber-Eldar number one heart throb, Eldrad Ulthran
Eldrad delivers a simple, stern slap across the face of the Stormtrooper before disappearing back into the portal.
=L= Stormtrooper: "Wow, that doesn't happen every day" he blinks several times to ensure what just happened
General Thoran: equally stunned at this turn of events. "Whats your name?"
=L= Stormtrooper: "Rhodes sir, Sergeant Rhodes sir"
General Thoran: "Very good"
Spoiler: Captain Malachi's inquisition MSTLevinski: "Why thank you good sir."Rome: “Welcome to the thread, fellow Inquisitors!”
Nicodemo: "Well, He's updated, so let's get on with it. When did you figure out what the hell was going on?"
Levinski: Thinks for a moment "Here."
Nicodemo: "Not bad, three lines before me anyway, I didn't get it until he mentioned polymorphine."Cut back to Rogal Dorn and Fake Hecate (are you catching on yet?)
Levinski: "You know, how do we know The Almighty is even a man? For all we know he/she/it could be a woman."
Nicodemo: Giving Levinski a very strange look. "Lev, have you ever heard of the phrase 'thinking too much'? Now, let's find a quote shall we?
Levinski: "Woop! He's back!"Sanguinius:
Nicodemo: Giving Levinski that same strange look. "Remind me why I work with you again."
Levinski: "You don't. You're an evil disgusting traitor while I'm an upstanding servant of The Emperor."
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: “Lucky Me.”
Nicodemo: "I think it's time we followed in the footsteps of the greats and quoted other fanfanfictions...Something like that anyway."
Levinski: "Didn't Lord Dorn invent the pain glove?"General Thoran: "Technically yes... but the fact that Lord Primarch Dorn is that messed up is worrying."
Nicodemo: "I'm not sure if he invented it, but he sure used it often enough."
Levinski: "Well, either way my point remains the same, Dorn has always been messed up."
Nicodemo: "That, explains so much."I reject the little pills the nice man in the white coat insists I take every morning. They make me see the sky as blue, while everyone knows it's made of last Tuesday ... :chrome:
Levinski: "Agreed. On a side note, I just checked Lasties profile to try and find out if he/she/it is in fact a man or not, and his/her/its profile picture is the same as that of a friend of mine, I really hope they aren't the same person....."
Nicodemo: "Lev, the odds of you personally knowing The Almighty, are roughly two thousand million to one."
This feels unfinished......
Spoiler: FarseerMatt's Eldar MSTBefore Cristhios' augmented eyes can recover, Kyli frees one arm and calls a psychic rune into her hand with a jerk of telekinesis. She closes her eyes and almost immediately everythingThe Farseer looked unimpressed, "Congratulations, you can say your own name...now can you say 'Psyker?'"
A blinding flash of light enveloped them both
seems
to slow
down.
Fenix: Looking surprised as his antagonist freezes in mid-lunge “Lady Farseer, what in the name of Kurnous’ deerstalker hat did you just do?”
Rome: “Yeah? Not that I’m ungrateful for a breather, but I was in the middle of a badass fight scene here and, well, the Emperor Expects.”
Kyli: “Sorry, but there was a new chapter of P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S up, and the Tome of Tropes states that Talking Is A Free Action, so…” she flips the rune of pausing into the air with her thumb and catches it again.
Fenix: “Fair enough, what have we got?”
Fenix: “Now I know that the Inquisition isn‘t known for it‘s subtlety, but what Inquisitor would have such a poor knowledge of the background that he would make such a blatant Monty Python reference?”Inquisitor: “No one expects the Emperor’s Inquisition!”
Kyli: “I must admit I feel a kind of empathy for the Elites in Halo 3...”Rogal Dorn: “Can't imagine he would. He never liked it when we thought up stuff without him. Once I organised a Halo tournament between us here on Terra and the Eye of … er … Terror (and I realise that line, when said aloud, could be somewhat confusing). He didn't like that. Called it 'fraternising with the enemy'. Of course, this was after the twelfth Black Crusade, so he might have had a point in there somewhere”
Rome: “Because their predecessors screwed up royally and now they have to work to make things right again?”
Kyli: “Well that too, but mainly because their plasma rifles got nerfed almost as hard as our shuriken catapults.”
Fenix: “Is this reminding anyone else of the Mr Bean movie?”Sanguinius: “Later. We need to keep moving. Our job is to remove all the toilet paper in the Custodians private sanctum and hope Hecate and Fake Dorn are on time to slip laxatives into their morning coffee”
Fenix: Splutters “A…a Blood Raven? From Dawn of War? Accusing someone else of gross stupidity? This is the biggest pot-and-kettle situation since Khaine told Kurnous his hunting spear was so long he must be compensating for something!”Librarian Isador Akios: “Much like how this encounter will end, oh venerate Lord of Gross Stupidity?”
Fenix: “You could say that about rather a lot of characters in this story.”(wait, isn't he dead?)
Rome: “Plot hole?”
Fenix: “Not really, since it’s internally consistent. EVERY character is presumed alive. Including ones who aren’t meant to be present in this franchise.”
Kyli: “Not meant to be present? Consider, Fenix, in the latest IG codex alone we have Winston Churchill, Alexander the Great, Ghengis Khan, Laurence of Arabia, and Rambo.”
Rome: “Speaking of outside characters, what happened to that DFG anyway? Did Lastie accept me nuking her as part of the story?”
Kyli: “And the biggest Blood Raven idiot of the lot is here.”Captain Gabriel Angelos: “Hey up bitches; the Angelos is here”
Fenix: “I wonder how that whole accidentally-released-a-daemon-and-doomed-the-subsector thing is working out for him? I bet that unresolved plot-point will come back to bite him in the arse. Should’ve listened to the Eldar, Gabriel.”
Rome: “There wasn’t so much as a mention of that affair in DoW2, despite references to Dark Crusade and Cyrus pretty much disowning Soulstorm…”
Kyli: “That’s because the Eldar had to come along and deal with that daemon for him.”
Rome: “I never saw that in any of the story!”
Fenix: “See, and we didn’t get any recognition for it, either.”
Kyli: “I believe that answers your question from earlier. What Inquisitor doesn’t know his background? A Blood Ravens one.”Inquisitor Mordecai Toth (who we recognise as the Inquisitor from the beginning of this chapter).
Fenix: “Hang on, there’s still something I’m not getting. WHY are the Blood Ravens behind this in the first place? They never struck me as a chapter overly-committed to human rights.”
Kyli: “No, but after the Ultramarines they’re the most willing to mess with the established background to bring themselves into the spotlight. And for Isha’s sake, at least the Ultramarines are proper canon.”
Fenix: “Great name.”Apothecary Placebo
Rome: “Wait...are we now reviewing the stuff that we ourselves did five minutes ago?”
Fenix: “Yes. What of it?”
Fenix: “Keep telling yourself that, mon-keigh…”=L=Stormtrooper: "Wait a minute, this has been bugging me for ages now, She is dead, The Blood Ravens won the Dark Crusade and they annhilate the Eldar!"
Kyli: Tilts her head slowly sideways with a very offended look on her face.=L=Stormtrooper: shakes his head "Nope, none at all, for they are made of Cool and it has been proven that no Eldar has ever been cool, ever."
Rome: “Ah, I see that Bladewolf’s characters who were looking to trap us in the other narrative are using their down-time to upgrade themselves from generic mooks to named characters, thus making them less vulnerable to us. Ha, like that’ll stop someone as badass as me…”=L= Stormtrooper: "Rhodes sir, Sergeant Rhodes sir"
Kyli: “However, I have noticed that the Conservation of Ninjitsu appears to apply to names too. The more named characters, the less plot armour. Look at what Bladewolf did to Lakios.”
Rome: “You mean, look what YOU did to Lakios.”
Kyli: “I’m an Eldar, Rome. The fourth wall is something for the lesser races to worry about.”
Kyli: Grinding her teeth “Hmmm. I thought I was only a minor fanon character. But apparently not minor enough to avoid character derailment at the hands of another author!”Kyli: yeah sure man tyrion is FINE...
Kyli: “No, I just didn’t have a line in this episode. It’s an important distinction. The stage direction clearly says ‘several’ figures burst through the portal, not just Lorgar, Taldeer and Mephiston.”Kyli: strange im not in primarchs this episode
Fenix: “Three is several.”
Kyli: “Eldrad told me in a canon plotline to accompany them. Therefore one must assume that I was there unless Lastie refutes it directly, which he hasn’t.”
Fenix: “But you can’t be in two places at once!”
Kyli: “I wasn’t. I had a whole 18 hours between Bladewolf’s and Lastie’s posts to slip away and take part in the filming of the latest episode.”
Fenix: “My head hurts. Okay, nice loophole. But if you can get by as being inferred present in that chapter, you’ll definitely need to show up in the next one to deliver Eldrad’s plot device.”
Kyli: “True. Better get on with this then. If everybody’s ready?”
Rome: “Yep. As the Emperor said, let there be fight!”
Fenix: “By your command, lady farseer.”
Kyli: “Right. Now where was I? Oh yes, can you say ‘psyker’...”
Time jump-starts itself once more, and as it does so, Kyli focuses her psychic energy into a diamond-hard mental spear and hurls it at Captain Cristhios.
Spoiler: BladeWolf's fan-fanfictionAnd now, the EPIC Author Avatar showdown!
Kyli croaked harshly as the Astartes poured on the pressure, the force of her mind on his tore at the two, she had underestimated the iron will backed by the mighty rage of the Astartes Captain, her slowly weakening mind was faltering against the indomitable will of Cristhios, a few more seconds and she would be gone, her loving spirit stone was drained from the previous attack. Her Eldar trademark arrogance started to leak away as the enraged Space Marine pushed his thumb into her throat. Her mind, previously trained and precise was suddenly clouded by the lack of air. In a panic she started to slam her fists against the armoured hide of Cristhios uselessly.
“Kyli!” the spirit stone cried out. In a blind moment of panic her mental controls released. A wave of sheer psychic strength exploded from the fragile frame. Weak lightning stabbed out into the surrounding air. The blinding light almost burned the eyes of the Captain from his skull. The sudden assault on his senses forced Cristhios to release the Eldar Farseer. He staggered back as the Lyman’s Ear worked overtime to re-orientate the Astartes.
Kyli collapsed; her breathing was short and rough. The spirit stone uttered soothing words to her as she tried to regain her composure, such a release was like a magnet and a beacon any daemon within the area. She reduced her thoughts to the same as when she first started the Path of the Seer. She moved through the motions of bringing up her mental defences and preparing her mind for battle. Admittedly she worked through this at a fast rate, the agonizing knowledge that the Space Marine would recover a hell of a lot faster then she could. Her Eldar mind ran at light speed as she tried to conjure up some iota of psychic energy but she found she was clutching at air in that effect.
The Captain rubbed his eyes and shook his head to clear the spots from his eyes. He saw the kneeing Farseer dry heaving. Cristhios wheeled round, the Relic blade protruded from the ground like a mighty edifice of metal. Cristhios snarled as he yanked the blade free from the earth like an ancient Arthurian king pulling a sword from a stone. He took a moment to feel the weight of his companion; his weapon was his lifeline in battle. Cristhios turned back towards the Farseer. She was slowly pulling herself to her feet shakily. Cristhios closed his eyes, he sighed, and he wanted to defeat her in honourable battle, not a one-sided quick kill.
As Cristhios opened his eyes he saw a peculiar sight. Tears, tears dripping down Kyli’s cheeks. She was silent however. Her silent resolve was reinforced in Cristhios’ mind by her strong, burning gaze. Cristhios smiled as raised the blade ready to strike. He watched the Farseer snap around looking for a weapon of some kind.
Cristhios reached to his shin and pulled the Astartes gladius from it’s sheathe. “Here” he called to her as he gently tossed the weapon towards her. The short sword landed by her feet, she made no move to grab the weapon. Her fists clenched visibly. An aura of gold shimmered around the form of the Farseer, runes danced around her in vigour.
Cristhios nodded in understanding. He opened his mouth but before he could even utter a syllable she cut him off with a gesture. Cristhios nodded again, no words need be spoken.
The instant before Cristhios would have charged he saw the sudden twitch of her eyes. Something was coming.
The moment the first footfall touched down several more forms flashed into existence around the Farseer, The bold colours of blood red and darkest black with shimmering green.
Before a word could be uttered, the five newcomers span, raised their weapons and fired. A web of fibres spread out from the barrels.The monomolecular fibres would bisect the Captain if he didn’t react hastily.
Cristhios threw himself to the ground in a moment of urgency. The hastily aimed shot sailed over the Captain. The pent-up energy within the fibres annihilated themselves after a dozen or so metres past the Captain, a few survived long enough to harmlessly disintegrate on the armour of Cerverus.
“This can’t get any worse” Cristhios mumbled as he pulled himself back up. The new arrivals were undoubtedly Eldar judging from the equipment, and the forms of their bodies seen through the incredibly tight armour. The Space Marine grinned, from a fair fight to challenge; he was starting to enjoy this.
The five Warp Spiders started to spread out, their deathspinners armed and primed. The Exarch stayed next to the Farseer. His twin deathspinners tracked the Captain as he stood and attempted to dodge the fire of the aspect warriors. The Exarch watched with a grin as the Captain twisted and turned to avoid the monomolecular fibres that danced around him.
“Are you harmed Lady Farseer?” The Exarch posed to Kyli without turning. The aura faded slightly as she took deep breath to calm herself, no need to exert herself with allies to protect her for a moment.
“I’ll be fine... just who are you?” She asked cautiously, her momentary rush of adrenaline was suppressed by her excellent mental control.
“My name is lost to time and the warp, but Farrath will suffice Lady Farseer.” He breathed as he loosed a brace of shots into the Captain’s direction.
“Exarch Farrath of the...?” Kyli asked with a arched eyebrow.
“Of the Ryloth Craftworld at your service Lady Farseer” The Exarch half bowed to her. “We have been after this mon-keigh for several decades; this is the closest we have gotten to him in years.”
The Exarch shrugged his shoulders and pulled something down from under the Warp Jump Generator. He half turned and brought Kyli’s attention to what he was holding.
“Wow...” she breathed, her eyes wide, “That’s impressive” she continued as she reached forward to grab the object, feeling its steely grip.
“I thought you would enjoy this” The Exarch grinned.
“Oh I will... I will...” she half whispered. The Farseer lifted the shaft up, both thin and strong.
“This is Nergoroth; it was wielded by the Lord Seer whom this mon-keigh murdered, only fitting that it be the weapon to slay him.” The Exarch explained as he watched Kyli lifted the Singing Spear up.
The silver glow emanated from the glorious weapon. The runes of a dozen separate powerful Eldar Seers and Warlocks danced about the head of the spear. Red and blue ribbons trailed off the head. The weapon was easily lighter than any she had held before. The immense feeling of power wash over her, her very soul sung to the warmth that the spear generated.
“You seem to have some connection with this mon-keigh; the council of our Craftworld bid you this weapon of vengeance for now. But, I realize that in such a battle that a familiar weapon is always more devastating”
As the Exarch finished he lifted another weapon to Kyli, her witchblade. She smiled again as she took the weapon in her free hand. She focused her view back on the Captain, who to his credit was evading the enemy fire with great skill. Kyli had never seen anything in that much armour move so swiftly even as he sought to cut down the offending Eldar, though they kept their distance by utilizing their Warp Jump Generators, hopping just out of range as if taunting the Wolf.
The Exarch turned back to the battle and resumed firing with his double deathspinners.
Cristhios mentally swore to himself, he was way in over his head; these tricky, devious Eldar had him where they wanted him, trapped in a cage of deadly wire. He had taken a few hits, nothing major but it was only a matter of time. As he swung uselessly at a Warp Spider he silently prayed for an intervention that would spare him a useless death. It was now that a double whammy of shots punched through his waist armour, shredding skin and muscle before dissipating. He fought back a cry of pain. He had suffered worse injuries, but none this ill-timed. He stumbled to a knee. The barrel of a Xenos weapon dominated his view. He prayed finally to the Emperor for possibly one last time.
It seemed the Emperor was watching him as not a moment later a flurry of bolter shots saved the young captain, one punching through the helmet of the Warp Spider that stood over him. He spun his head towards the origin of the shots. Moradantes was bellowing some sort of war-prayer and frankly, Cristhios had never been so happy to hear them. The Terminator-armoured Chaplain strode proudly into battle. The Crozius Arcanum held high, energy dancing in the surface of the winged skull. The skull-helmet’s blood red eyes burned like the stars themselves as with a single defiant sweep took a Warp Spider across the shoulder, spinning the unfortunate Eldar in a violent display power. The blow separated the arm in a spray of gore from the now screaming Eldar. The monomolecular fibres either bounced off or just annihilated themselves against the force field of the Crux Terminatus. The chaplain finished the poor Eldar with a firm burst of the stormbolter which detonated the chest cavity into a fountain of bone and organs.
“Smite now the scions of the Witch! Grant us the strength to pierce their unclean flesh!” the Chaplain chanted as he loosed a flurry of shots towards the next of the Spiders, who had just witnessed the death of his Aspect-mate, he was more lucky as he triggered his Jump Generator and phased out of the way of the shots. He appeared a handful of feet away, deathspinner already raised and spitting its deadly trade.
“Captain!” the reassuring voice of Placebo called as he fired three balls of condensed plasma at the two stood a distance away. The Exarch gingerly touched the Farseer on the shoulder and the two vanished before the shots could connect. The shots eventually bloomed and dissipated harmlessly.
The Farseer and Exarch Warp Spider reappeared a further twenty feet away, the Exarch smiling triumphantly, the Farseer looking a little disturbed.
Cristhios felt the sting of the needle penetrating the wound of his waist, but he paid it no heed, reinforcements had arrived, the Astartes would carry this day yet.
A short, sharp crack of a bolt pistol informed the captain that his effective number two had arrived. The roar of the chainsword as it cut easily through the psycho-plastics of the Eldar and into the soft chewy centre. The guttural growl of Corthos indicated he was in a foul mood; this was exemplified by the fact that after he had damned the Eldar to a bloody death from having removed his lower abdomen. The sergeant pulled the blade up through the chest of the Spider. The wickedly sharp teeth reached the jaw of the Eldar before Corthos ripped the blade out. The white casing of the chainsword stained dark by Eldar blood.
Before a solitary moment could pass the Sergeant was already blasting away at his next target, the Exarch. The power armoured weapon of mankind moved with a distinct haste, the pistol barking loudly in the air, the whine of the chainsword as it was drawn low, ready to fell the Exarch like a old and withered Moduras Tree in the ancestral woods of Ragnarius.
The look in Corthos’ eyes was both strong yet terrifying, like a man possessed he charged heedless of the splattering of the fibres against his armour.
The Exarch moved to meet the raging Astartes, the powerblades engaging from their holdings.
Cristhios took a worried glance to Placebo who too had seen the look in Corthos’ eyes. “He feels for the death of Brother Lakios” The Apothecary sighed, the progenoids safely within the reductor’s stasis container. Cristhios lowered his head for a moment before regaining his footing and bringing himself to full height. The proud Astartes would avenge their fallen brother. Another death on the Farseer’s already bloody hands, one closer to the heart of the Captain and each Space Marine in the entire Frost Wolf Chapter. He felt his hate of the alien grow until it reached boiling point.
The Captain arched his head back, sucked in a mouthful of air and roared “For the Wolf! For the Primarch! For Terra and the Emperor!” His feet began their deadly sprint toward the idling Farseer. The relic sword glowed and shone in the righteous rage of the Captain. He would have his vengeance.
Last edited by Azazeal849; 10-31-2017 at 08:15 PM.
Spoiler: My RP links
PM me for novelised versions of any of my RPs, or ones that I have participated in. Set by the awesome Karma.
And the last bits.
FAN CONTENT FOR CHAPTER 191
Spoiler: BladeWolf's fan-fanfictionGeneral Thoran: "Woo Exemption clause! so it doesn't cause a Plot Ho-" reads further down thread "...le"I seem to be updating as regularly as VG Cats these days ...
In this gap between realities, anything is possible and has no bearing on any written work, official fiction or fan created.
BladeWolf & General Thoran: In some sort of sick simultaneous act of Life Imitating Art: "MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" -Breaths deep- "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"Perfect for a prophesied rendezvous …
Eldrad Ulthran: Entering a room that does not exist, to face a bed that doesn't exist either, where one stunned farseer sits bolt upright, her face going deep red. “You know what time it is, Kyli? It's 'just as ...'” He pauses, as he notices the lump of sheets below her waist is larger than it should be for a female eldar in her prime (not that eldar ever get 'past' their prime …). “You brought company? One of your female friends for our little … 'pleasure'” Smirks.
The sheets are pulled away as Kyli runs to the non-existent door.
Kyli: “NO!!! DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!” Screaming with near hysterics (eldar are good at the drama, it must be said).
Asdrubael Vect:Watching her depart with a confused expression on his face. “Why do they always say that?” Looks over at a stunned Eldrad. “Oh well, fancy finishing me off Eldrad old chap?”
Eldrad Ulthran: Barely containing his increasing rage. “NOT … AS … PLANNED!!!”
Stormtrooper Rhodes: "Shouldn't we review the massive destruction of the main narrative from our safety in the MST and Author Avatar Narratives?" Notices a comatose Vect slumped on the chair next to him... The Stormtrooper promptly screams like a little girl.
General Thoran: "Sweet Emperor in the almighty heaven of his chocolate-eldar coated domain. Its an... Eldar! not just that but, a Dark Eldar"
Rhodes: Stops screaming for a moment to breath and snark "How do you get darker in a universe that prides its self on GrimDark?"
General Thoran: "Don't Ask what he gets up to at weekends... or weekday evenings... or just weekdays in general... or any time of the day for that matter, you will just regret it" When the Stormtrooper looks away the General shamefully raises his hand.
General Thoran: "However, he isn't supposed to be here so..." He whistles and a troupe of hooded figure enter from the rear of the cinema. "Clear this sleeping Eldar from here before he wakes and makes us all feel uncomfortable!"
And with that the Ominous Latin Chanting begins.
The still sleeping Vect is raised into the Air and then vanishes in the blink of an eye.
Rhodes: "Amazingly, he's gone and I still feel unclean"
General Thoran: "Yea..." his mind drifting back to a simpler times as a mere Captain, he gains the thousand yard stare "You get used to it..."
---------
And now, back to the Author Avatar battle! Focusing on the Chaplain and the Spider this time...
The War-cry entered the ears of Moradantes as he caught up with his prey, the Master of the Reclusium smiled at the Captain’s new found zeal. The Crozius easily smashing the pitiful Eldar weapon in two, it was useless against him anyway. The Warp Spider hopped backwards, out of range of the deadly weapon. The Spider knew he could not outrun the weapon forever.
The Spider decided to fall back the old teachings of the Warp Spider maxim of aggressive defence. He propagated this by leaping high through the use of his Eldar agility and bringing the heel of his boot into contact with the helmet of the mon-keigh. The sudden impact barely phased the Terminator armour. The Spider followed it up with a second stomp and masterful somersault kick to the helmet. That seemed to have an effect as the Chaplain was sent back in a stumble, the mon-keigh was cursing in their brutish language the entire way. The Spider allowed himself an iota of pleasure at that fact, doing this however stopped him from noticing the avenging arm of the Terminator a microsecond too late before it smashed into the Eldar’s chest. A harsh rebuttal from Moradantes was issued in the mon-keigh tongue. The Warp spider however had a rather large pain in his chest and didn’t hear the Astartes, instead he fell hard to the ground. The added weight of Warp Jump Generator was reduced by the anti-grav technology built into them, otherwise they would not be able to carry them, but it still weighed a great deal when thrust into the hard ground. The shock of the incorrect landing resulted in a hard knock to the Spider, whose body was suddenly racked in pain.
“I think I broke something” he breathed as he flinched from a stab of pain after trying to move. He tried rolling to his feet like he had when he was but a youngling trying out for the Scorpion Temple.
That allowed him to get back to his feet. The spider immediately started feeling around for where the pain was centralized. As the Spider focused his mind he started searching his wounded frame. The pain was in his rib cage. A more detailed analysis showed up what in fact he had broken. A rib had broken off and impaled his spleen, or the Eldar equivalent. This was not going to end well.
Moradantes had to take stock of what just happened. His mind pieced together the events of everything up to them, including the gravity defying somersault.
“Blasted Xenos” he grumbled as he turned back to the Warp Spider. The two faced each other down. Moradantes made the first move.
He charged forward, his symbol of office held high, ready to smash down on the alien. A blur of speed barely registered to Moradantes as the Warp Spider leapt to the Terminator’s left. The Chaplain growled as he swung the Crozius around in a wide arc. The weapon hit nothing but air, The Chaplain stood still for a moment, he was sure that the alien was there. A patter of blows to his right told him different, another heavy swing of the weapon and again, nothing but thin air. Every time the Astartes blinked the Warp Spider was in a new position. The smell of ionized air was thick in the nose of Moradantes. In a rage the Chaplain struck out again, hoping against hope that the Warp Spider would be under his attack, but it was not meant to be.
It was a zero-sum game, the agile, swift Eldar could theoretically evade the heavily armed Space Marine forever and a day, but he could not harm said Space Marine with only his fists, the thick armour plates made sure of that.
A sudden flurry of the Chaplain’s stormbolter forced the Warp Spider to jump, to fling himself through the realm of chaos. Whilst in that blasted place the Spider mentally activated his close-combat weapon, a simple crystalline blade, unsheathed from its holding. As it was it was still unable to even damage the mon-keigh armour. But as the Warp Spider appeared behind the hulking monstrosity of metal, he raised it anyway, it was all he had.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt's Eldar MSTA lone webway portal crackles open on one of the lofty mountain peaks of craftworld Otogsc. Captain Cristhios, reclining in a deckchair as he waits for the author-cam to swing back towards his part in the story, barely glances up. He has two cans of Recaf mounted either side of his helmet, with straws looping down into the grille over his mouth. He is reading the latest issue of White Dwarf. A shell-shocked Farseer Kyli steps through the sparking corona in front of him, and wavers on the spot for a second while the iridescent disc of the portal irises closed behind her. She takes a few steps forward, stumbling as if sleepwalking, then grips her head in both hands and screams.
And screams.
And screams.
Fenix: Running over, and clearly alarmed “Bloody sha’iel. What happened?”
Kyli, on her knees with the snow soaking through her dress, slowly reins in her emotions before gesturing bleakly towards the fourth wall.
Kyli: “Look at the closing chapter and see for yourself.”
Rome: Walking over from where Librarian Ai and Ancient Cerverus are waiting patiently for their part of the story to recommence “Was it full of AWESOME and TRACYNESS?”
Kyli: “Yes, but in a way that is very, very bad for us.”
Fenix: “So invasion-of-Iyanden-craftworld awesome rather than Ravenor-trilogy awesome?”
Kyli: “As I said, see for yourself.”
Fenix: “What? Character derailment! Fanwank! As a ranger I’ve travelled all the dark corners of the internet and never in all my days did I expect to see P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S slash fic.”Eldrad Ulthran: Entering a room that does not exist, to face a bed that doesn't exist either, where one stunned farseer sits bolt upright, her face going deep red. “You know what time it is, Kyli? It's 'just as ...'” He pauses, as he notices the lump of sheets below her waist is larger than it should be for a female eldar in her prime (not that eldar ever get 'past' their prime …). “You brought company? One of your female friends for our little … 'pleasure'” Smirks.
Rome: Shrugs his power-armoured shoulders “Rule 34 in action, I guess.”
Kyli: “No, this stuff came from Lastie herself, so it’s” she practically spits the next word “canon. And it’s alluded to later in the chapter.”
Fenix: “But it makes no sense! Lastie wouldn’t do that in the canon narrative, that would be a…” his voice trails off “…plot…hole…”
Rome: “Oh no…”
Fenix: “Oh no…”
Kool-Aid Man: Bursting through the fourth wall “Oh yeah!”
Rome: Blinks “Well I don’t think any of us expected that to happen.”
Fenix: “What the hell!?”
Kyli: “The Plot Hole grows in power. No narrative is safe. Not even this one.”
Fenix: “But…how!?”
Kyli: “Read on and find out. One thing first though.”
Kyli: “Am I really that much of a drama queen?”Kyli: “NO!!! DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!” Screaming with near hysterics (eldar are good at the drama, it must be said).
Cristhios: Looking up from his deckchair “Judging by your little performance after you stepped through that portal, xenos witch, I’d have to say yes.”
Fenix: “Actually, I’ve seen a shuriken disc go through four guardsmen.”Eldrad Ulthran: “Like killing two gretchin with one shuriken disc, I suppose.”
Rome: “Really?”
Kyli: “Well, when 21st century weapons can punch through one target to kill the man standing behind him, did you seriously think we couldn’t go one better?”
Fenix: “Revenge fic?”Angron: “Why is it Fulgrim's Slaanesh's little bitch, when the guy barely seems to get any, while the gods-damn nerd gets more action than porn stars?”
Fenix: “I’m sure I said something to that effect a few chapters back. Am I justified in saying I told you so?”THE PLOT HOLE!: “YOU FAILED TO SECURE THE NARRATIVE CONTINUITY OF ALL YOUR FRANCHISE. THE COMPUTER GAME SPIN-OFFS ARE STILL RIFE WITH BAD SCRIPT WRITING, AND POOR CHARACTERISATION, AS THESE TWO-DIMENSIONAL FOOLS BEFORE ME TESTIFY!”
Kyli: “And I’m sure I said something about Dawn of War being only fanon. I thought this would make its plot-holes inconsequential.” she sighs “I was wrong.”
Rome: “That’s impossible, how did she survive the Unlimited Decoding Works?”Aerith/Aeris/DFG: “Surprise! Didn't see that one coming did you?”
Kyli: “The what?”
Rome: “I borrowed something Lastie used in the first arc. It seemed appropriate.”
Kyli: “Wait…you fired this thing at Aerith, and rendered her down into ‘useless lines of text that make no sense’? That sounds like the perfect recipe for a plot hole…”To ensure absolute victory, The =L= gave our heroes a Grey Knight fleet to support the attack. From there he proceeded to manifest a crater of nothing short of complete and utter FAIL.
"Forbidden Art #92: UNLIMITED DECODING WORKS!"
The area which was turned from solid stone {or whatever they use for edifice in the GRIMDARK} into useless lines of text which make no sense and strike at S3 with normal saves allowed.
Fenix: “You turned her into a plot hole? ROME, WHAT THE BREAKDANCING HARLEQUINS HAVE YOU DONE!?”
Rome: Turning to Kyli “But…but, surely your plot device can put things right?”
Kyli: Laughs bitterly “Oh I’ll let you read for yourself how that one turned out.”
Kyli: “And was I always this petulant? Canonically?”Kyli: “I'm not coming out! I'm busy in another narrative being awesome, where I'm not screwed over in this continuity with poor character choices!”
Christios, Fenix and Rome: Together “Yes.”
Rome: Brightly “Well, at least you made up with Taldeer.”Taldeer: Sighs. “Oh your poor thing. Come out and I'll let you in a little secret that'll make you feel better”
Kyli: “Read on before you celebrate.”
Fenix: “Wait a minute, stop. Isn’t that wrong? Didn’t Eldrad explicitly state that this was NOT the Staff of Ulthuan because, and I quote, that pointy stick’s back at home being cleaned?”Kyli: “Indeed! By the power bestowed upon me by the greatest seer of all, He With The Infinite Ego, Lord of Snark, Who Is A Dick, I use this power to banish you forever foul Plot Hole! Abomination of all great tales to be read in any situation!” She raises the Staff of Ulthuan
Rome: “Plot hole? Or perhaps Eldrad swapped it out when no-one was looking?”
Fenix: “Now why would he want to do that?”
Fenix: “He didn’t.”A small note pops out of the end. Kyli reaches down and looks at it.
Kyli: “'You should have slept with me. Now you're all going to be fucked'” Looks up from reading the note. “Eldrad you c-”
Rome: “He fething did.”
Fenix: “I’m calling bullshit on this. We Eldar have our differences and our disagreements, but the overwhelming majority of our canon indicates that we stick together in situations as dire as this. And he goes and screws us all over just because our lady farseer didn’t screw him. That’s just…” he searches for a better word, but finds none “…dickish!”
Kyli: “And to think I used to idolise him.”
Silvanol: Darkly “I’ll hold him, babe, and you punch.”
Rome: “You don’t have any arms.”
Silvanol: Sighs “Okay fine. Kyli you hold him, and I’ll punch.”
Rome: “You don’t have any fists either.”
Silvanol: Glows the chromatic equivalent of a facepalm “Is the concept of a metaphor beyond your ability to grasp, mon-keigh? Okay, how’s this - you hold him, sweetheart, and I’ll Destructor the bastard.” he pauses “And Vect. Oh boy am I going to kick his arse.”
Kyli: “So you see our problem.”Angron: “You don't understand; the primarchs are out there, unattended, in other people's fictional worlds!”
Sarah Kerrigan: “Oh … shit”
Fenix: “The Plot Hole’s gained more destructive power than Jain Zar’s opera voice if it can do that.”
Kyli: “And now they could be anywhere.”
Rome: “Well, we know Angron’s in Starcraft…”
Fenix: “Figures. Starcraft was only ever just a cheap knock-off of the 40K game Rites of War.”
Kyli: “Think of all the different franchises the Plot Hole controlled in the last arc - Star Trek, Star Wars, BSG…and then there’s all the other worlds mentioned over the course of the series, like Warcraft, Lord of the Rings, Final Fantasy, even” she swallows visibly “Warhammer Fantasy Battles.”
Fenix: “And Konrad Kurze is probably hanging about in a comic book with Batman round about now.”
Rome: “Then we shall have to split up and search every single one.”
Kyli: Straightening “We’ve got unfinished business here first though.”
Fenix: “Oh yeah, how’s that been going? I haven't had character focus for a while so I was just goofing off.”
Fenix: “Ah. Not so good over here either, then.”The Captain arched his head back, sucked in a mouthful of air and roared “For the Wolf! For the Primarch! For Terra and the Emperor!” His feet began their deadly sprint toward the idling Farseer. The relic sword glowed and shone in the righteous rage of the Captain. He would have his vengeance.
Fenix: “He makes us sound like sweets.”The roar of the chainsword as it cut easily through the psycho-plastics of the Eldar and into the soft chewy centre.
Rome: “And why not? You Eldar are brightly coloured, exotic, desirable, give Space Marines a good feeling when they sink their teeth into you…full of the qualities one looks for in their candy.”
Fenix: “Still what am I, a Yorkie bar?”
Rome: “Oh no, not a Yorkie I don’t think.”
Fenix: “Why not?”
Rome: Innocently “Because Yorkies aren’t for girls…”
Cristhios: “Right, here comes BladeWolf, everybody back in character…”
Spoiler: BladeWolf's fan-fanfictionAnd with that opening...
Fenix was first and foremost a Ranger, and a damned good one at that. He could out-shoot, out-stealth, and outwit any enemy in this side of the galaxy, his one downside was once shooting and stealth went out the picture, usually so did he. But the Assault Marine hadn’t finished playing with him just yet. Cyrus had tried a few times to remove the simple ranger’s head. Eldar agility saw that it remained, but each time the Veteran sergeant was getting closer.
Kiamdeng was unfortunately not the best weapon to take against the ‘Thunder-Axe’ of Cyrus. But he made do. Fenix rolled under another swipe, felling the rush of air on his scalp. He slashed at the white leg of the Assault Marine as he rolled past. The blade bit nicely, cutting a smooth groove into the ceremite armour and earning a growl from the marine, who attempted to stamp on the pesky Eldar as he passed him.
The Marine was still turning as Fenix stood up behind him. Kiamdeng poised to strike again. If he remembered correctly, and he always did, the joints where the most vulnerable parts of the Space Marine armour, it was really his only chance of survival in this fight, the ranger had no doubt that the jump pack-equipped marine could keep up with him in a race. The Captain of Reia-Hal’s Rangers was down to outwitting his opponent. Fenix grinned to himself, he was Eldar, and the marine was a stupid mon-keigh, the words no contest seemed relevant.
Cyrus had no intention of allowing his opponent a chance. As he turned he triggered the jump pack for a millisecond, sending him rocketing towards him, knocking the Ranger flying with application of his knee to the ranger’s chest.
The wind driven from him for what felt like the umpteenth time today, Fenix landed on his back, the distinct taste of blood filling his mouth, his vision was swimming and the psycho-feedback from the armour told him one thing, don’t do that again, the great chest pain racing through his nerves had to agree with the armour on that one, as did Fenix’s protesting lungs.
Fenix rolled backwards to his feet, hand darting to his belt hoping that he had packed his sidearm. The reassuring grip of the shuriken pistol resulted in a happy chuckle from the ranger as he raised the weapon to bear against the offending marine.
Cyrus remained unfazed by this; his power armour was more than enough to withstand the hail of blades.
Fenix cast his luck to the wind; he was only going to get one, maybe two opportunities to use the pistol. He pulled the trigger to its maximum, resulting in the weapon going cyclic, a fully automatic pistol shooting small spinning razor-edged disks. The clip ran dry after less than a second and half, firing nigh-on one hundred shots. Fenix ran the math in his head, statistically he was going to score at least one hit on a weak joint.
As the storm of blades ended he looked on in a level of dread that only advanced beings like Eldar could feel, Fenix knew this feeling, he liked to call it ‘the fething maths betrayed me again!’ The Ranger was quick to scowl as the Assault Marine walked through the barrage seemingly unscathed, save for a hundred chips and scores on the armour. The once dazzling white paint was now scorched and peeling in areas where the contact between the two metals had caused sparks. The dull gunmetal of the ceremite shone through these superficial wounds.
Cyrus felt a knot of pity for this alien, he had tried a desperate gambit and it had failed, the armour remained secure and safe as it had been since the armour was presented to him by the Artificers after the Damocles campaign.
Fenix looked to his weapon, the small exhausted weapon. With a face of disgust he cast it aside with a casual toss. In the same motion he pointed an accusing finger at the Marine and in his home tongue shouted “I’m calling bullshit!”
The Eldar shouted something highly impassioned and clearly frustrated, Cyrus could not help but laugh in his guttural way. The sheer idiocy of the situation lent itself to humour.
The Assault marine toyed with the idea of drawing his plasma pistol and showing the pitiful Eldar how weapons should be made. For as the Techmarines liked to belt around ‘Blessed are the gun-makers.’
Cyrus hefted the Thunder-Axe, a present from the Ultramarines after the two chapters had met at Semka three centuries ago. The axe head shone with the power that coursed through it. The grip was bound in tight polymers and was firm to the grip. The lightning like energy danced around the blade and the steel shaft. Cyrus smiled for it was weapon to be proud of. He focused his attention back to the frustrated Eldar. Taking the axe in both hands, a proud roar surged up from the bottom of his stomach, his feet moving as did so, and a thought triggered the jump pack. It was time to end this.
The Assault Marine came down, axe cutting the air and roaring like an angry god given form, the speed of which he closed the distance took the veteran ranger off-guard. Kiamdeng was not a weapon to take to a power weapon regardless of who wielded it. The Eldar would have to think fast, the Astartes was on top of him, the ranger could feel the backwash from the jets.
It took all of Fenix’s agility to throw himself just shy of the death-edged axe. The energy of the weapon stung at the alabaster skin of the ranger captain. Fenix felt the blade on his back. He swallowed hard, this could be it. The sound of ripping fabric filled the ears of the ranger, only increasing his defeatist thoughts, the scrape of metal on armour finished the thoughts for him, and this was it.
But clearly Khaine was watching over him as the blade didn’t pierce or break the armour. The Ranger threw himself to the ground and rolled away. He noticed his movements were now swifter, less dragged by the wind around him. A quick glance behind him showed him what the damage was, the iconic cloak of the Rangers, the long chameleoline cloak, was gone from the back of Fenix, cut from the neck down, the small bits that remained where shredded and ended in frayed ends.
Kiamdeng suddenly attacking the Assault Marine was a very pleasing prospect.
The Ranger span on the spot, bringing the sword to bear, as he guessed the Assault Marine was almost on him again, axe raised to finish the job. His mind now focused Fenix dodged the attack effortlessly at the same time bringing up his weapon. The Ranger brought it down on the ‘beakie’ helmet of the Astartes. The blade hit home with enough force for the blade to slice the ceremite.
The speed of the blow brought the blade down and across the face of the helmet, the score cutting across one of the red optics in the helmet, partly blinding the Astartes within. As the tip of the blade left the helmet and still failed to do more than damage the helmet, Fenix beat a hasty retreat, moving away to a respectable distance between the warriors as the Astartes brought the axe back in a chop not a moment later.
Now blinded in one eye the Astartes was at a severe disadvantage. He reached up the broken helmet; he gripped the beak firmly. The other optic fluttered and died. Cyrus pulled the helmet up. It gave no resistance to him, the armour detached and unsealed. Eventually the red helmet was away and Fenix could finally look his attacker in the eye.
The skin of the Astartes was firm and hard; several scars marred its surface in irregular patterns. A runnel of red liquid streamed down the bridge of the sergeant’s nose from the cut on his forehead. The blue eyes struck the Ranger, they were strong, steady and most of all, confident, he was ready either win or die. Axe in hand Cyrus prepared himself as the helmet fell to the ground with a thud.
Fenix couldn’t help but grin, a perfect opening, a nice wide pinkish target for his honed blade. The Eldar roared something in his own language as he charged to meet the Marine who bellowed his own battle cry.
"Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Farrath the Exarch uttered with a superior smile as the two opponents struck. The whirring teeth of the chainsword against the refined edges of the powerblades resulted in a grinding noise combined with the sparking of electrics in crescendo of tortured metal on both ends of the equation.
The Warp Spider Exarch spun his arm around the chainsword, bringing the blade into the flank of the raging sergeant. The vambrace of Corthos blocked the attack, and the blade failed the cut through but it did manage to chop through a layer of armour.
The Exarch controlled the mon-keigh with a series of light strikes with the straight of his hand. A couple of blows to the side of the head just angered the sergeant further.
Corthos wheeled the sword under the guard of the Exarch; the whirring monomolecular blade arced upwards, threatening to remove to Exarch’s calf and groin in a painful manner. Farrath twitched his balled fist into the eye of the sergeant, forcing him back. Another flurry of blows to his head blinded the sergeant for a moment. The Exarch drew his arms back, ready to plunge his blades deep into the chest of Corthos.
“Good bye poor human” the Exarch muttered in low gothic mockingly.
“I think not Xenos!” a voice shocked Farrath. Placebo smashed into the flank of the Warp Spider Exarch, the power sword biting deep into the abdomen of the Eldar. Farrath bit back a cry as he triggered his Generator, sending him through the warp and away from danger. The Exarch was confident he could face off against one marine, even a veteran like the sergeant, but against two Astartes the Exarch was out of his depth.
His wound ached and burned as the armour tried to knit itself back together over the burnt flesh. The pulpy liquid that remained after the power weapon inflicted the wound started to leak into the more solid, burnt flesh around the entry wound, causing excruciating pain to the advanced mind of the Eldar. The feeling was only accentuated by the presence of the stuff of chaos pushing on his mind. His facial features turned to a mask of pain, and the warp fed on the sudden stings of pain in the Exarch’s mind. As he exited the jump half an instant later, Farrath nigh-on collapsed, his throat giving voice to a tortured soul, while the tendrils of the warp laughed at the Eldar’s reeling mind.
The thuds of their feet told Farrath that the two were coming. He rolled from under the attackers' twin swords and slashed at the vambraces of the Astartes, cutting, but not deep enough. All he seemed to do was anger the two Astartes even further. They pounced on him with a greater fury, the chainsword biting down on his breastplate as the Exarch tried to dodge a swing of the arguably more deadly power sword. The sword bit though the armour by a few millimetres, but that was enough for the whirring edge to catch onto the skin of the Exarch. The resulting spray of Eldar blood elicited a half-laugh half-growl from the Sergeant. The pain caused the Exarch to pause a moment too long and the tip of the power sword joined the chainsword in occupying the body of the Eldar. The two Astartes ripped the blades free and Farrath fell.
He kept his breathing tightly controlled as his body ran damage control. The sucking chest wound was telling him to slow down. The two space marines were about to finish him off when the blur that was the Captain sprinted past and into combat with the Farseer.
The Farseer was also moving against the Captain, her choler was up. She grinned as she closed the distance; she raised her head and did something she had not done in centuries. She howled of terrifying fury and despair. Her lack of a Banshee mask was compensated by her mind; the scream reached far and wide, the feeling of dread filled all around indiscriminately, irrespective of race and rank, save perhaps the Ork and the Dreadnought. The Captain’s only retort was his own war-cry as he reached her, bringing the blade down on her.
The Spear and Blade smashed fruitlessly against each other. The Farseer could predict the incoming hail of blows from the enraged Captain, but could do little more than stop them; the whirlwind of devastation would not let up its assault on her. Her witchblade, when she did manage to strike back, lacked the force necessary to even warrant a defensive move from the Captain. And the Spear was too valuable to her own defence to be used in any offensive way.
She ducked under another blow, the deadly edge shaving a few hairs off her once perfectly groomed head.
She let loose a flurry of curses that would make most old male Eldar flinch uncomfortably, her rage was increased by her disposition, she was by no means a vain woman but had taken many hours to get her glorious head of hair prepared, after all she had caught the eye of Eldrad, only for a bristled haired monkey to ruin it in a single moment.
The Farseer pushed back against the Captain hard, her blade swung as quick as his, the two weapons sparked and scraped on each other’s surface, and the two warriors howled and roared at one another in a mutual display of anger.
Kyli spun on her heel, bringing the spear into the golden-eagle adorned pauldron of the Astartes. The blade-edge bit wonderfully, slicing the armour as if it were well-prepared grox meat. The Captain swore and swatted the blow away with a bat of his forearm. For an instant, Kyli knew she was vulnerable, with her back to the experienced swordsman. She had to move quickly to avoid any pain to her being, but as the gauntlet to her back proved it was not meant to be. She was sent tumbling for half an instant before she was back on the offensive, her witchblade striking in perfect timing with the keen singing spear. A rain of deadly blows turned the tables on the previously unstoppable Astartes; now she could see his every defence before he enacted it allowing her to maintain her attack unabated.
"Your mind and reflexes may be similar enough... but thinking at the speed you do, you'll never be able to catch up! Your movements are truly just like a lowly animal's! That's why I can read your movements. Reflexes combined with intelligence, that's what makes the ideal, perfect warrior!" She taunted.
Of all the probable futures she saw, she did not see the one where Cristhios, in an act of desperation, would blindly charge forward and use his own mass to smash her to the ground.
As she reeled from that blow and the taste of her own blood filled her mouth, the shadow of the Captain dominated her view.
"I finally come to understand it. You single-handedly stole my heart away. This feeling is, without a doubt, love! But if it transcends love, it becomes obsession, hate, anger!" Cristhios muttered plainly and with no affliction or impediment. He raised the Relic blade, “Good bye, Farseer” He again said neutrally.
Kyli reached into her internal pool of power and let loose with what little she could use in a panic. A splutter of lightning from a flailing arm struck the Captain in the head, forcing him back a step and allowing her to stand again and start the cycle all over again.
Fenix struggled under the relentless assault of the veteran warrior Cyrus. The blood that he had to keep blinking out of his eyes kept reminding him not to underestimate this enemy, as a falcon-fast blow to the head had proved a moment ago. The plan of ‘Stabby swordy to the heady!” was a simple one, but it wasn’t until after he launched the attack he realised that perhaps the Assault Marine had removed his helmet to provoke that very response. And it wasn’t until Fenix was committed to the attack that it occured to him this is where the Marine wanted him, up close, locked in battle and unable to get away.
Rudimentary dodging and deflection had allowed Kiamdeng to survive against the power weapon for this long, but eventually the two would meet head-on and Fenix would be down a sword. Not really a thing to lose at this point.
The thunder-axe swung close to Fenix's scalp. The Ranger flinched away from the blade. However, the assault marine continued the attack by bending his elbow and smashing the couter of the arm into the face of Fenix, drawing a bead of blood. The Assault Marine reversed the sweeping motion of the axe swing and smashed the vambrace into the Eldar's neck. The resulting splutter of breath and gagging threw the Ranger to the ground, and Fenix groaned as he used the momentum of the fall to immediately roll into a crouch and lunge back up and into Cyrus. Kiamdeng aiming true, the Ranger howled as the blade bypassed the Astartes’ defences and into the scalp of Cyrus, the skin slicing and parting easily. Cyrus' nerves screamed in response, and the flinch of the Astartes saved him from being scalped, but the blade still sliced cleanly though the side of Cyrus’ head, cutting away the top of his ear and a large chunk of his hair. Cyrus cried out as he pulled away, but the Ranger would not allow his advantage to be wasted. Fenix hammered away with a combination of fists, the pommel of the sword grip and harsh language.
Blood splattered messily over the face of the Assault Sergeant as Fenix smashed his fist into the wound again and again. Cyrus allowed this as he regained his bearings, and then delivered a firm blow aimed at the gut of the ranger. The gauntlet hit nothing but air as the Ranger danced out of the way. Fenix smirked as he leapt up to deliver a flying roundhouse kick to Cyrus' now freely bleeding wound. The Sergeant rolled with the blow and killed most of the attack’s momentum in a single move.
As Cyrus turned back to the ranger, he saw the edge of Kiamdeng slice a millimetre in front of his eyes. The bridge of his nose was cut away in a simple action and more red liquid splashed onto the edge of the blade.
“Foul Eldar” The Assault Sergeant cursed as he brought the Thunder-Axe up in a manoeuvre that his combat trainer from his days as a scout would have been ashamed of had he seen it, so uncoordinated and so silly that even Cyrus was disappointed in the attack. But, judging by the event that followed, it was highly unexpected by the Eldar warrior as well.
The blade arced upwards towards the vulnerable loins of the Ranger. In a sudden desperate defensive manoeuvre, the Ranger quickly re-positioned the sword to block the incoming attack. The edge of the axe clipped the guard of the handle and suddenly it was a contest of strength, and again the Marine won by a mile. Kiamdeng was lifted up and out of the grip of Fenix, and the simple sword of the Eldar clattered loudly several feet away behind the assault marine.
Fenix was suddenly left feeling very vulnerable. He held his hands up and smiled as innocently as he could.
“Truce?” he asked weakly with a meagre laugh.
Spoiler: BladeWolf's fan-fanfictionA Message from the editor: "Ladies and gentlemen, while the great Lastie collects his thoughts for the next arc, we bring you the epic works of BladeWolf!" - FarseerMatt
Warp Spider Nihileth, the poor warrior left to battle the Terminator armoured Chaplain, thought at near light speed. A handful of attempts with the simple blade had left the Warp Spider with an increased headache and a broken blade. The Terminator had snapped the simple blade when Nihileth had foolishly tried to parry a blow from his Crozius.
The Warp Spider, as he jumped away from the hounding swings of the Crozius, fingered the handle of a plasma grenade; primarily an anti-infantry/light armour weapon, it would hopefully open up the mon-keigh up like a Duanta plant in the morning sun i.e. wide open.
Nihileth went for it, pulling the small cylindrical object free of the simple webbing that held it to his armour. The War Spider darted forward.
Moradantes saw the small red-armoured Eldar moving toward him, and he laughed frostily as he brought the stormbolter to bear; this was all too easy.
Nihileth had to time this perfectly; he pulled the arming cord from the grenade. Five seconds he started to count. Then he leapt high over the first volley of shots, hoping against hope that the Astartes would hold his ground.
Four seconds. The arc of the jump was a little over what Nihileth wanted, and he landed with a slight skid beside the armoured monstrosity of human engineering. His mind rattled off all the useful places to shove an armour-busting grenade on a Terminator, the rear vents were a prime target.
Three seconds. Nihileth moved to ram the grenade between the individual vanes of the vent but the Chaplain was a savvy opponent, turning to face the annoying little Eldar with his Crozius already in motion.
Two seconds. Nihileth had missed his chance, the rear heating vents now gone from easy attack. Having to think quickly was an understatement as the Warp Spider held the live grenade. He spotted his salvation, the chains wrapped around the Terminator’s right shoulder. They held on pieces of parchment and other adornments, such as a handful of marksman awards and several hanging pendants.
The Warp Spider ducked under the blow, though he could feel the winged skull scrape across his warp jump generator resulting in a sickening noise. He moved forward regardless of injury to himself, and with a free hand he took a fistful of chains and pulled them back.
One second. In the space of a millisecond the Eldar worked, wedging the deadly device into the chains and praying to Khaine that it was enough. The Warp Spider leapt away, no time to activate the generator.
The Warp Spider was only a handful of feet away when the world turned white. The deafening boom and roar of the detonation resonated within his head. The sounds of the world became a single note burning through the entirety of the sensation. The ground was hard as the Spider landed; Nihileth could feel almost a dozen more spikes of pain race across his body as the world faded to a dim grey. He then lay there, grabbing at each breath to stay awake.
Moradantes had been hit by a lot of things: bolters, pulse rifles, lasguns and cannons and even a Leman Russ shell had detonated on his rosarius. But the sheer force of a plasma grenade when it’s strapped to you is indeed powerful. The wind, sight, hearing and all other senses were wiped from the Chaplain in that instant. Before the world turned pale and bright, the chaplain could definitely read the icon saying that both the Rosarius and the Crux Terminatus had activated ‘against external assault’.
The Terminator was sent to the ground with an almighty thud. The right shoulder, the shoulder which bore the Chapter’s symbol, was ripped away and vaporised in a sphere of white death. The spaulder underneath however had held true under reinforcement from the two shields as they acted as one.
His helmet was torn away along with the stormbolter in his right grip. The now heavily-tanned Moradantes stayed conscious through the explosion but not the fall and lost all sense of time for a moment as the world went from white to black. He awoke to see his Warp Spider nemesis lying face down in the dirt.
It was in that moment that, begrudgingly, the Chaplain gained an iota of respect for the bravery of the Xenos. To throw oneself at a heavily armed and armoured opponent was a tall order indeed, and Moradantes had seen brother-marines falter in faith against the Terminators of the Traitor legions.
To sacrifice oneself to defeat an enemy was a large integral part of the Imperial Cult’s dogma not just the Adeptus Astartes, but any Space Marine would die a hundred deaths to defend the Imperium and his brothers. So Moradantes could relate to the thoughts that must have been going through the Warp Spider’s mind. By killing the Chaplain perhaps he would have saved hundreds of Eldar lives. The Chaplain was not so closed minded as to not to see the logic behind that. He laughed to himself at the irony of the situation. He, a preacher of battle against the Alien, Heretic and Mutant, was falling for the spirit of an alien warrior. He laughed long and fully until the world felt rather cold once again.
And a word from the writer "This Chapter marks the end of the main chunk of writing for me, thank you to those messaged and commented on the story. Next for the team of me and FarseerMatt is the Finale, the first draft is going through editing and re-writing ATM, but the thoughts from both of us seem rather positive, but then again, we wrote it. It will be up in a few days and will span over a few number of post (18000+ character number at the moment WTF?) again thank you." - BladeWolf
Spoiler: Lord Crull's MSTBrother-Sergeant Marinicus: So why are we here again?Eldrad Ulthran: Entering a room that does not exist, to face a bed that doesn't exist either, where one stunned farseer sits bolt upright, her face going deep red. “You know what time it is, Kyli? It's 'just as ...'” He pauses, as he notices the lump of sheets below her waist is larger than it should be for a female eldar in her prime (not that eldar ever get 'past' their prime …). “You brought company? One of your female friends for our little … 'pleasure'” Smirks.
Inquisitor Nukem ” To nuke Heresy back into the stone age!’’
Brother-Captain Basiclus: (coughs) ‘I thought that it was because Lord_Crull wanted to perform cheap advertising for his fanfiction, because nobody would review, despite my own glorious self starring in it’’ (he gives another cough) Seriously, people, might want to at least check it out?''
https://www.warseer.com/forums/showt...97#post3707197
Basiclus: Please? Pretty please? ( He pulls out a baby seal, it honks cutely) Review it or I’ll kill it! Don’t think I won’t do it!’’
Marinicus: ''Oh put that away, We’ve got comments to make.''
Inquisitor Nukem: ‘’EXTRA HERESY! It’s heresy, except it’ s like heresy piled on top of more heresy, like a great big sloppy pizza made of heresy and mutation topped with the revologin crusts of witchery’’Asdrubael Vect:Watching her depart with a confused expression on his face. “Why do they always say that?” Looks over at a stunned Eldrad. “Oh well, fancy finishing me off Eldrad old chap?”
Eldrad Ulthran: Barely containing his increasing rage. “NOT … AS … PLANNED!!!”
Marinicus: Oh come we we’ve all done Vect at least once and we're not even from this narrative!
Basiclus” ‘’But we love bond villains!’’Captain Gabriel Angelos: “You have indeed. Want to continue? It'll save us the effort of looking like a Bond villain by describing our master plan for the audience's benefit”
Inquistor Nukem: (sniffles) ‘’I want a cat…….. to burn for heresy.’’
Basiclus: That’s what we want to know really.Vulkan: Picking himself up from the floor. “Nice that you have so much confidence brother. Too bad you've so far lacked the skills to back those egotistical statements up” Gestures towards the Blood Ravens. “Who are these guys?”
Basiclus: ‘’You mean the dark times? Before the light of Lastie showed us the way to hilarity?’’Vulkan: “I think the narrator answered your question for you Angron. Besides that's off-topic in a thread that's already pissing on the boundaries of 'topic'. You realize this all started because someone just innocently asked in the background forums what we were up to since the Heresy?”
Inquistior Nukem: ‘’Heresy and blasphemy!’’
Inqusitor Nukem: (conflicted) ‘’But-but the Heresy felt so good to do’’ (Basiclus pats him on the back)Asdrubael Vect: Shrugging. “What can I say? I'm the greatest man-whore in this universe”
Aerith/Aeris/DFG/THE PLOT HOLE: “Or any other”
Asdrubael Vect: Winks at her. “But I was good, right?”
Basiclus: ''There there''
Basiclus: ‘’And she realizes this just now?’’Kyli: Looking around her. “So … this was … what? A rite of passage for this universe?”
Marinicus: ‘’It’s Vect, what did you expect?’’
Marinicus: ''Gladiator Angron FTW (He and Basiclus give each other high-fives)''Angron slowly gets to his feet, feeling his aching head with one human-sized hand. Looking around, he sees nothing but the inside of a cavernous hollow in the earth lit by the florescent glow of small insects. He looks down at himself, and is surprise to see the lack of a daemonic body. He's now Angron the gladiator once again.
Basiclus: ”Shit’s the word then’’Angron: “You don't understand; the primarchs are out there, unattended, in other people's fictional worlds!”
Sarah Kerrigan: “Oh … SHIT”
END OF ARC
Inqusitor Nukem: ‘’Shit is HERESY! Smelly cowpie Heresy maybe, But still Heresy!
Spoiler: Captain Malachi's inquisition MSTLevinski: "Typical ork thinking. Why debate when you can exterminatus?"
Nicodemo: "Is Sinon an ork then? Or is it just his character?"
Lev: "Shut up and review the latest chapter already."
Nic: "Is that even possible? I mean, he's the greatest seer in existance, how could he NOT have seen Vect coming in a sex scene?"Eldrad Ulthran: Barely containing his increasing rage. “NOT … AS … PLANNED!!!”
Lev: "Maybe Lastie's ill?" Slaps self "NO! The Almighty is beyond illnesses!"
Nic: "Oh sod."THE PLOT HOLE!: “WHERE DO YOU THINK, FOOLS?!?”
Lev: "Agreed."
Nic: "Double sod."Aerith/Aeris/DFG: “Surprise! Didn't see that one coming did you?”
Lev: "What fictional universe is she from again?"
Nic: "Don't care, next quote!"
Nic: "That happened to me once. It was not a pleasant experience."Vulkan: “What did she do? I have these vague memories of every bone in my body being broken … by daffodils!?!”
Lev: "Well that's what you get for being a warp-worshipping heretic."
Lev: "Best arc end yet. No contest."Angron: “You don't understand; the primarchs are out there, unattended, in other people's fictional worlds!”
Sarah Kerrigan: “Oh … shit”
Nic: "I'll have to agree with you on that. However, we may only think that since we can hardly remember the other ones. There's too much hilarity in this story for us to possibly remember it all."
Lev: Thinking "Good point, maybe we should try and remember half each?"
Nic: "That's retarded, it's written down for us here and there's about a thousand hard copies out there." Waits expectantly ".............Come on! I said 'hard' and neither Slaanesh or Vect turn up to make a joke?"
Vect: "Even we have limits lover."
Nic: Looking profusely embarrassed. "I told you not to call me that in public."
Lev: "Erm.....can we move on now?"
No...I think we're done for today. I'm too disturbed at finding out one of my characters has been sleeping with Vect to write anymore.
Spoiler: FarseerMatt's Eldar MSTKyli: “Hey, Rome’s back. Well, the author Rome anyway, the character Rome’s been here the entire time…”Hey folks, it's me, Rome. I apologize for the lack of writing. BladeWolf & FarseerMatt: I will get in the story soon I hope. Having server problems with my iPhone 3G (stoopid Safari). Fret not, for i will soon acquire something I never owned; a Mac!
Rome: “Wait, what?”
Kyli: “So what do you think, would this be a good time for a break?”
Fenix: Backing away from Cyrus, completely disarmed “Take your time, I’m screwed as soon as the narrative turns back to me.”
Kyli: Setting down her own witchblade, Farrath’s spear AND Eldrad’s plot device with a sigh of relief “Thank the gods, I was getting tired of carrying all them around.”
Fenix: “You’ve still got Farseer Dickhead’s staff?”
Kyli: Psychically nudging the wraithbone staff so that it telescopes down to a more manageable size and then sliding it into the sash of her dress “Just in case it comes up again. I’ve seen enough 1s rolled in important games of 40K to be wary of Sod’s Law. Plus, I want the chance to beat Eldrad over the head with it.”
Rome: “Wait, did he just…? Is he talking about Corthos or is he bashing the author?”Lets gets this over and done with.
"Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." The Exarch uttered with a superior smile
Kyli: Smiling slightly “Don’t be silly Rome - that would be breaking the fourth wall, and you don’t do that in serious fan-fiction.”
Rome: “But you said earlier that you Eldar were too arrogant to care about the fourth wall?”
Kyli: Inspecting her fingernails “Oh yes, so I did.”
Fenix: “Woah, what in the name of Slaanesh’s kinkiest nightwear?”"I finally come to understand it. You single-handedly stole my heart away. This feeling is, without a doubt, love!"
Kyli: Turning to look “What? Oh right, that…”
Kyli: Blinks at Cristhios “Captain, we Eldar pride ourselves on our self control, but you’re starting to scare me.”"But if it transcends love, it becomes obsession, hate, anger!" Cristhios muttered plainly and with no affliction or impediment.
Rome: “Are you sure you’re not reading that the wrong way?”
Fenix: “If we were reading things the wrong day I’d have had a field day with this passage…”
Kyli: Glaring at Fenix “No, Fenix. Just no.”The Exarch shrugged his shoulders and pulled something down from under the Warp Jump Generator.The Exarch half turned and brought Kyli’s attention to what he was holding.
“Wow...” she breathed, her eyes wide, “That’s impressive” she continued as she reached forward to grab the object, feeling its steely grip.
“I thought you would enjoy this” The Exarch grinned.
“Oh I will... I will...” she half whispered. The Farseer lifted the shaft up, both thin and strong.
Fenix: “Too far after the whole Vect thing?”
Kyli: “Too far regardless, young ranger.”
Silvanol: “It would from our point of view, you semi-evolved primate.”Courtship battle? We already had our first CANON Slash fic, I don't think PRIMARCHS is ready for another just yet. Since Eldar are a different species, would it count as bestiality?
Kyli: “And if we don’t get off this subject right now I’m going to Mind War someone into next week.”
Fenix: “Alright then. Lady Farseer, we have new company.”
Fenix: “Hmmm, interesting. Do we have time?”Brother-Captain Basiclus: (coughs) ‘I thought that it was because Lord_Crull wanted to perform cheap advertising for his fanfiction, because nobody would review, despite my own glorious self starring in it’’ (he gives another cough) Seriously, people, might want to at least check it out?''
Kyli: “Well, all fanon may serve to defeat plot holes. And after the mess at the end of the last arc we will probably have to leave the confines of this narrative anyway in order to keep tabs on the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S.”
Fenix: “Right then, I could do with another journey into the unknown. By your leave, lady farseer?”
Kyli: “Good luck, Fenix. Check Lord Crull’s fan-fiction for any sign of the Plot Hole, and make sure you get back before BladeWolf’s next chapter.”
Fenix: “Wisdom commands, lady farseer.”
Kyli: “You know Rome, that’s been bugging me about the Blood Ravens also. We are told that they have an unusually high number of Librarians, but nowhere in the games or the codex do they field more psykers than any other chapter. And the 4th edition codex…their chapter traits suggest they prefer close-quarter fighting and eschew armoured support, despite the fact that all the games show them making heavy use of Predators and other vehicles. Would it not have made more sense for them to be able to attach Apothecaries to their squads like they do in Dawn of War? Given their unknown origins it would make sense for them to want to keep their geneseed as pure as possible. And how about a preferred enemy, to represent their supposed great knowledge of all the enemies they keep such obsessive records on? They are, in short, one big plot hole. I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming.”Basiclus: That’s what we want to know really.
Silvanol: “There there, sweetheart. Farseer or not, we can’t all be omniscient Mary Sues. That way no story with the Eldar in it would ever have a decent plot.”
Kyli: “I don’t want to be a Mary Sue. I don’t want to be brought up in every thread where someone mentions destroying an Avatar.”
Kyli: “Agreed, if you’re given to ridiculous understatements. If winter on Valhalla is just a bit chilly, if the War in Heaven was just a tad inconvenient, and if letting Mat Ward write the background for the latest SM codex was, on balance, perhaps not the best idea, then yes “oh sod” is an appropriate response.”Nic: "Oh sod."
Lev: "Agreed."
Silvanol: “How do these humans live when they’ve got the average emotional range of a teaspoon?”
Kyli: “Final Fantasy, I think. Rome would know. I’m more of an RTS gamer myself - look for Eldar_Girl_327 in the DOW2 lobby.”Lev: "What fictional universe is she from again?"
Rome: “Beaten up by daffodils? Dare I ask?”Nic: "That happened to me once. It was not a pleasant experience."
Silvanol: “Seriously, how do you mon-keigh not FALL DOWN more?”
Kyli: Shushing him gently “Well I guess that gives the term ‘flower power’ a whole new meaning. Farseer Aerwen would be proud.”
Rome: “Who’s that?”
Kyli: “Another member of the Five back on Reia-Hal craftworld. She’s big on the Path of the Treesinger. The other members are Farseer Kamité, Spiritseer Nimué and High Farseer Velora, if you’re interested.”
Rome: “I see.”
Kyli: “Well, I suppose we’d better get back to business.”
Fenix: Materialising from the shadows “Phew, just in time!”
Rome: “That was quick. So what’s the verdict?”
Fenix: “Lord Crull’s story is free from the Plot Hole’s influence as far as I can determine. Relentless battle scenes. Some nice touches like the space marines ritually burning alien corpses, the scout training, and the disoriented dreadnought. It’s something different to see an Interrogator acting independently, and I’d be interested to read who the Inquisitor behind it all is and what he‘s up to. This bit…”
Fenix: “…made me laugh at the inherent Lampshade Hanging, but I’m not so sure a Space Marine would jump to such a conclusion so quickly. And if it’s cliché then why not mix things up a bit and use something from the Dark Age of Technology, or an ancient text claiming to contain the words of the Emperor himself, or an alien artefact instead of a Chaos one?”“I am to presume that said artifacts had something to do with Chaos?” Basiclus asked, almost suspiciously. It seemed to be almost cliché to have an Inquisitor conspiring with Chaos, from what the Captain knew of the radical faction.
Kyli: “Hmmm, seems alright then.” Picking up her witchblade once more “Back into the fight, I suppose.”
Fenix: “Can’t let BladeWolf keep writing something so awesome that it threatens to implode the whole narrative.”
Kyli: “Quite so. He’s got me dual-wielding a sword and a staff like I’m Gandalf from LOTR for Isha’s sake…”
Spoiler: BladeWolf's fan-fanfiction“I am Ghazgkull Mag Uruk Thraka! I am da prophet of Mork and Gork, Da Warlord of all da Orks and da Masta of da WAAAGH!” The Ork bellowed proudly, facing down the Space Marines Rome and Nergalus. The two Librarians were all but ready to re-start their battle. “And if over a thousand of yous tin-can humies couldn’t stop me on Armageddon, what makes yous fink dat two of yous weirdboyz and a over-painted deff dread can stop me!” He followed up with a guttural laugh.
“Because this time, you cannot run away Xenos” Ancient Cerverus retorted as he waded into the Ork Warlord, swinging his fist to finish the green annoyance once and for all.
Ghazgkull merely roared with more gales of laughter as he swung his weapon into the blow. The two faces of metal smashed and crackled against each other but neither budged.
Rome took this moment to catch his breath and restore some sort of semblance of a plan to get out of this one. Nergalus however, was ready immediately. Rome felt the blow start to swing before he could see it. Rome twisted his body to avoid the first blade, and brought his powerfist out of the way of the follow-up. He thrust back with his free hand only to be deflected off the vambrace of his opponent.
Rome hopped backwards to allow him to draw his fist back ready to strike. Nergalus did likewise, his staff between the two. Nergalus jabbed with the staff into the Cuirass of Rome who recoiled slightly from the blow, slowing his attack long enough for Nergalus to drive the staff again into the gorget of his armour. The sudden shock of the double blow forced Rome to re-think his strategy.
Rome drove his powerfist forward, going for the weaker shoulder of his enemy. The open target would turn the fight in his favour if he could make the strike.
Nergalus had less than a second to respond before he would lose his arm and perhaps his life to the attack, In an act of desperation, he jammed his gauntlet under the incoming blow and forced the arm upwards, changing the angle of attack subtly but turning a fatal wound to just a very painful one.
The fist dragged across the surface of the spaulder eliciting a bloodied curse from Nergalus; Rome smiled as he followed up with a second and third strike into the forehead of his opponent with his other hand, and he kept hammering the slowly-reddening fist into the flesh of his opponent. The howl of anguish served only to spur the Librarian on in the assault. At such a close distance the Staff of Purgation was useless to Nergalus and Rome could attack with impunity. Rome roared something incoherently as he attacked.
Nergalus could do little but fail in his desperate attempt to block the attacks. In his mind however, the world became blank and dark. A simple single seed fell from the heavens. In wonder Nergalus watched it drop, and the burning pain of the physical world melted away as he witnessed the fall of this seed within his mind.
As if hitting some invisible barrier, the seed bounced before exploding within his mind into golden sparkles and lights that flickered both infinitely and instantaneously.
After the sixth blow Rome stopped for a moment to examine the damage. The entire right side of Nergalus’ features was burnt by the previous attack, the eye sealed shut under the slightly melted skin. The other half was little more than a bloody pulp, the bones of the eye socket and cheek burst disgustingly from under the flesh. The other eye burst had under the assault, and the fluid inside joined the runnels of blood and dislodged flesh. Rome backed away as his now-blinded opponent collapsed to his knees. Rome allowed him a moment as he forced the bloodlust down in his soul. He breathed deep as he raised his powerfist to finish the poor fool. “I’m sorry” He whispered for his brother marine.
Rome closed his eyes; he did not need to witness the murder of someone who under different circumstances he may have called friend. With lightning-quick speed the blow fell, the deafening crack filled the air and the fist discharged its power. Rome could feel the sorrow and hatred for himself echo within his mind. The tumultuous feelings ebbed and eddied within him, but none could overshadow the feeling of utter disgust he held right now. Rome ignored the protest of his soul and the whine of his mind as he felt the feelings start overwhelming him. Brother murdering brother, a crime most heinous.
A short, sharp, ragged breath alerted Rome that something was amiss. The chortling of the Ork had not gone but was too far distant battling against the Dreadnought to interfere.
Kyli, as she rallied her defence under the fresh assault of blows by the Captain, felt a stab at her mind, like someone crying out, like a form breaking free of its constraints. Her breath felt cold in her throat and the world lost some of its vibrancies. She watched as the fighting all around became slower as she realised that they had all felt the piercing detonation inside their heads. Even the mighty Cristhios had halted his attack to re-align his mind.
Kyli turned her mind’s eye to the area around her; it took less than a millisecond before she saw the new beacon of light.
Rome opened his eyes to see the impossible. His great powerfist was stopped mid-swing by nothing more than an outstretched palm. The cracking noise was the digits of the fist crumbling against the surface.
“No, I am sorry...” The blind librarian uttered as he stood. His open palm gingerly pushed Rome’s fist away with such force that the librarian was sent flying by the blow almost four dozen feet. Smashing heedlessly into the ground and digging a small trench with nothing but kinetic force. Rome looked at Nergalus standing proud and tall as if no wound had befallen him. Rome rolled to his feet expertly, his head and body reeling from the second part of the attack.
The powerfist crumbled to dust as Rome tested it to his shock. The metal dropped off, lifeless and useless. The arm underneath was cold, unresponsive, dead. Rome growled something under his heated breath. His blood fumed for revenge. The Staff of Purgation was cast aside to the left of Nergalus, unneeded in the battle to come.
“We are Librarians” Nergalus started, his mouth moved but Rome could not hear the sounds, instead he felt the meanings within his mind. “We protect our brothers from the machinations of the deamonic powers; we guide our brothers through the most difficult times. We watch and guard over our chapter’s secrets with a fervour our Brothers save only for our fallen brethren.” The blind Astartes spoke with a tone not reserved for underlings, but equals. “We are Librarians; we face a thousand battles before we even step to war. One wrong step and we are damned for all eternity. Such is the price for our gift.” Nergalus smiled warmly.
Rome brought his mental defence into play, creating a barrier between him and Nergalus. Physically neither Librarian had the advantage, this battle would end in their minds and the Warp around them. With his warp-eye Rome could see the colossus that was Nergalus’ avatar in the psychic realm. It was pure, unblemished by any outside influences. Rome could feel the denizens of the warp swimming nearby, ready to pounce on the powerful soul if his defences dropped but for a second.
Ai Nergalus flicked his arm up and across his chest. From this action sparked a bolt of furious lightning into life. The energy raced towards Rome, shrieking its deadly howl as it went. The ground burst and was sent flying away as the branches of the eldritch attack neared it. Rome forced his will into a shield as he had before but to no avail, the bolt smashed into his cuirass and blackened the golden eagle as it flash-burned. The force of the attack pushed Rome further back, his heels digging to the ground a little more.
Rome retorted with his own bolt of burning power, it speared towards the enemy unerringly. It too cut through the hastily raised shield of Nergalus and stabbed into the remaining pauldron of the Astartes, bursting the armour away from the Librarian in a flash of detonation and spray of red fluid.
Rome’s eyes blazed with power as he pulled forth every iota of strength and control to refine his deadly gift into a weapon to strike down his foe.
Nergalus coughed blood as he reeled under the blow, the shoulder was ruined by the attack, the veins and arteries of the left shoulder had blown under the attack sending new waves pain into his already overloaded nervous system mind. He conjured his psychic might into a single point in his other arm.
The Frost Wolf howled as he drove back, a pure nimbus of light emanated from the palm of his hand as he punched it forward. The light travelled the distance between them at its usual pace as the ground tore, ripped and was pulled apart by the demonstration of raw power.
The blow smashed into the chest of Rome in a scream of electrical fury, devastating the blue armour and sending a ripple through the rest of the power armour, unintentionally damaging the psychic hood. Rome felt the attack and not much after that as in an instant his mind was bursting to the seams with amazing pain. Rome felt the entire world collapse for a moment as the images tore at his sanity. He felt everything, everything around him, each and every soul. He pulled himself back from the brink on madness by sheer willpower and the rigours training he put his mind through each and every waking moment.
Rome cried out as the full power of his mind was unleashed; he forced his mind back at the offending Librarian. A surge of power ripped from the eyes and mouth of Rome. The flailing energy vaporised the levitating chunks of soil and ignited the air around them in a display of raw incandescent power.
The electrical firestorm encroached on Nergalus as he attempted to fight through his pain from the last attack. He was surrounded and viciously attacked again and again by the furious wrath of the hurt Rome. Like needles they punctured his mind, body and soul. Tearing and ripping though the defences that Nergalus had erected from the first day in the Librarius.
The cold slimy tendrils of the denizens of the warp began to flicker on the edge of his psychic vision. With a last defiant effort, Ai banished them from his person, his mind.
The fingers on Nergalus’ right hand stopped responding to his shock as they evaporated into the storm of psychic energy that surrounded him. The entire hand soon followed suit and soon much of the vambrace has been stripped away, exposing the bare flesh to the onslaught of power.
The skin burst and the blood boiled and ignited within Nergalus’ veins. The incredible, excruciating pain pulsed erratically into the thoughts of Nergalus as the flesh was stripped in turn and the bloodied muscle was torn by the sheer psychic might of Rome.
Another spear of light penetrated Nergalus’ stomach, the armour fragmenting and burying within the gut of the Frost Wolf. His mind was torn at by the repeated blows of Rome’s mind on his. He could feel his brother’s anger.
Again the Wolf opened his mouth and he howled. His roar was long and loud, filled with agony and the sound of devastating sorrow. Then, to the Wolf, his psychic view of the world lost all colour and meaning, blinded by pain and suffering. The world ceased to conform to any logic, and the warp bled through the tears and rips in reality. The scorching heat of a thousand dying sun blinked in his mind. The flashes that assault his senses were numbing at best, and horrifying at worst.
Images, Images of mankind, past, present and future all merged seamlessly into one long sick slideshow to Nergalus. He had never been blessed with the gift of foresight like some of his brothers so the very idea was insanity and anathema to his sensibilities.
War, war in all its forms and its machinations were burnt into his consciousness. Pointless and useless, each and every battle fought in the Imperium’s - mankind’s - long and bloody tirade of history. Every single pointless death, every single wasted sacrifice on the mighty edifice of war. In that instant the mind of the Wolf cried out for the images to stop, to let Rome kill him and end this torture. Before the opposing Librarian could respond, an image appeared to Nergalus.
The Emperor of Mankind,
His holiness stood before the assembled representatives of mankind, standing proudly at the summit of Ancient Earth’s highest mountain. All the Earth bowed to His will below. Nergalus could see such terrible things enacted in the name of the Imperium and the Emperor flash as he focused on this one, singular thought. The thoughts of death and mayhem brought in His name burnt at the edges of his visions but the wounded and probably dying Librarian pushed on.
Tears, tears rolled off the cheeks of the Emperor as He wept, the Earth united for the first time in millennia after the long war of reunification and yet the Emperor of Mankind knew was that more death would follow; his Astartes would kill in His name to re-unite mankind. The Emperor wept at the sheer insanity of it all, killing mankind to save it.
Nergalus gasped as the image passed, the world came swimming back into view and the pain faded, replaced by the dull throbbing of his ruined arm. The Librarian collapsed to his knees; and the once mighty psychic warrior sank and too wept. The tears mixed with the blood and pulp that remained of his face. They pooled under him as he realised that the psychic firestorm still existed around him. He looked up with his mind and a desperate fear gripped him.
“Captain!” he cried. Positioned in front of Nergalus, protecting him, was indeed a single Astartes, Cristhios.
“Get up librarian,” the Captain ordered, the words were harsh and filtered through gritted teeth, for the Captain had no psychic potential and could not stand under this assault for long. “I can’t stand here forever old friend!” he grinned painfully, wincing as the eldritch energy burnt around him.
The Captain stood with his arms wide protecting his brother-marine and friend, taking the main brunt of the attack. The psychic assault of the attack burst and fried many of the hanging purity seals on his armour. The parchment lit in gales of black smoke as the young Astartes battled on against the weight of Rome’s attack.
Nergalus stood shakily, his right arm ruined from the elbow down. The blood as congealed and sealed the wound shut in a few seconds, The tears would not stop. Words could not begin to describe the anguish the Librarian felt at this moment.
Rome lashed out again in sheer frustration. “I will not be denied!” the Librarian howled at the two Wolves. A bolt of eldritch lightning aimed directly at the bothersome Captain’s Imperial Aquila upon his breast.
“Just DIE!” Rome roared as he forced the power forward. The world shook with the power unleashed.
“Cristhios!” Nergalus shouted as he pulled at the stone-like arrogance of the Captain to meet his attack head on. The tiny momentum of the Librarian did little more than nudge the Captain to the right as Nergalus tried to cast both himself and his friend of long standing to the ground.
A little was enough because the bolt of energy missed its intended target of Cristhios’ progenoid gland. But instead sheered unopposed through the Captain’s left pauldron.
Cristhios, in his youthful humour merely grunted and winced for a second. The energy dissipated a few metres after passing through the armour and soon the entire firestorm of deadly psychic might dissolved and evaporated back into the air around them.
A single female gasp from the surroundings told Nergalus that something was wrong. The Librarian scanned around for but an instant before seeing the damage. The Captain’s left arm had been destroyed in the attack, reduced to ash and cast to the winds in the fraction of an instant. The twitching stump of the shoulder flexed horrifyingly to all to see. The shredded muscles and devastated bone and burst flesh open to the air, the once magnificent Armour of the Alpha Wolf , blackened and bloodied by the attack.
The Captain just laughed hoarsely and smirked even as he gasped for breath
“That... all... you... got?” He said. Then mercifully unconsciousness took hold, and the Captain collapsed.
Rome stood in shock. His mind reeling from the battle. No, not reeling - his thoughts were trapped, trapped in a vice not of his making. One of Eldar creation! He felt the immense pressure of the Farseer’s distressed mind holding him immobile and he too collapsed from a combination of stress, fatigue, exertion and the numbing pain in his hand that mingled with the greater pain in his heart and soul.
And with that the battle was over. The participants were exhausted by the long, drawn out battle.
Fenix helped the Lady Farseer to an undamaged spot of ground and helped her sit. His own head wound bleeding slightly but it mattered not. The thud of steps caused the Ranger to turn. Cyrus stood before him, Kiamdeng in his grip, offering it back to the Ranger-captain. Fenix took his blade back, and with a slight humour congratulated the Assault Marine on disarming him. The Assault Marine laughed in response and patted the shoulder of Fenix carefully. “Not often a Xenos forces me to remove my helm in battle either.”
Ghazgkull stood in confusion as the heavy dreadnought stomped off, his own Orkish mind trying to make sense of what had unfolded before him. The usual Ork need for battle was subdued by his need for food. Ghazgkull took this as a message from the gods and allowed the matter to drop.
Nergalus sat next to the prone yet still awake and groaning Rome. The two knew their fight was long from finished, but now was not the time. Nergalus patted the fallen librarian on the shoulder as a sign of respect.
Moradantes reluctantly helped Nihileth up and patted the dust off him with a free hand, grumbling something about respect and the only good Xenos to cross his path. Nihileth took this and laughed as he patted the dented shoulder of the Terminator-Chaplain and spoke in his own language about the only good mon-keigh to cross him also.
Farrath limped weakly over to the group. The wound on his chest taking its toll on his strength.
The body of Lakios was placed reverently on the crest of the hill by Corthos. The chainsword and bolt pistol sang no more that day. Corthos removed the helmet of the young marine. The fresh faced youth shone peacefully back up at the old sergeant. The strong yet lifeless green eyes stared at the pale grey eyes of the sergeant. With a practiced action the sergeant closed the lids of his brother-marine’s eyes.
“Why is it the young perish and the old must survive?” Corthos lamented quietly as he pulled a purity seal from his waist. The silver death-watch pauldron shone in the light of mid-day. He placed the seal on the chest of the marine, uttering a silent prayer of forgiveness for his inability to save the boy. He did not cry for the loss of a brother, no more tears of anguish were needed that day.
Proxy attended to Ancient Cerverus’s damaged armour, the rents and dents where as many as they were grave. He had fought hard today and Cerverus even more so. He praised the Omnissiah for ability to minister to the Ancient, another prayer of thanks of the Emperor for allowing him to be here, to witness this battle.
Cristhios was pulled up by a combination of Placebo and Fenix, he was lifted between the two and laid down between the groups, and his gentle breathing assured each person that he still lived.
“He looks so peaceful” Kyli remarked as he looked over her adversary and rival. She begrudgingly placed his Relic blade back in its leather bound scabbard with an innocent smile. She placed her hand on his forehead and sighed, despite the great wound, the annoyance of her life would live. She laughed again as she sat beside him.
She looked up into the clearing blue sky and thought to herself cheerfully, “Has Lastie posted yet?”
Last edited by Azazeal849; 11-15-2017 at 10:01 PM.
Spoiler: My RP links
PM me for novelised versions of any of my RPs, or ones that I have participated in. Set by the awesome Karma.
Did anyone else read the Crusade's End omnibus?
Spoiler: Around the Forum
@Imperial1917: Death's all yours!I once tried reading another game thread with 14 characters in it, but it was a bit like trying to follow a herd of cats.Did anyone expect America to win?
Though, at least you haven't downgraded in performance.Japanese is the only one I disagree with. It's like Chinese Lite.
Courtesy of ibitou
I’ve actually hardly read any of the HH series (though The First Heretic and Mechanicum were decent).
So is the omnibus any good?
Last edited by Azazeal849; 11-03-2017 at 01:44 PM.
Spoiler: My RP links
PM me for novelised versions of any of my RPs, or ones that I have participated in. Set by the awesome Karma.
I would say that it is pretty decent all around. It has three novels and three short stores in mostly chronological order. Overall, I would say that it is a good collection of Warhammer 40K reading and a collection of passable novels. In retrospect, the first short story, The Wolf of Ash and Fire demonstrates the mentality of the majority of the material, with all its strengths and flaws. It sets out to lend characterization to Horus and accomplishes that. By the time readers finish Horus Rising, they will have had ample opportunity to sink their teeth into 40K irony where the Space Marines keep insisting that Astartes will never have to fight each other, but without it becoming too cloyingly sweet. The backhand of the series is that such inside jokes made for people familiar with the story mix with the slightly-forced/slightly-defensively-justified major events to make important plot points in the overall canon like Horus' eventual betrayal appear less like the crescendo that fans of Warhammer 40K anticipate the entire time they are reading and more of a poor plot twist. And even for fans, though mercifully briefly, the story can feel like it slacks between when readers know Horus chooses to betray the Emperor and when he actually confirms it.
There are other, more minor issues. The core of the novels revolves around Captain Loken of the (???) Company of the Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus. Honestly, one can be forgiven for forgetting his company number since they don't feature that much, something that may be shocking to fans who are used to SM characters being synonymous with their companies. A decent Lawful Good character helped in no small part by Dan Abnett's stellar characterization, the only thing that really nags is how he is introduced. The Wolf of Ash and Fire and Death of a Silversmith (Death of a Salesman, anyone?) don't mention him, though they mention the Mornival, a group of four Astartes who advise Horus. In short order one dies after playing a noteworthy role in the aforementioned short stories and is replaced by Loken around the one-fifth/one-sixth mark of Horus Rising. Though he grows into the role well, the feeling that he was shoehorned in is noticeable when one looks back.
Shoehorning in significant plot elements is something that the omnibus readings suffer from, with Horus' actual betrayal being the most offensive of them. Others include a remembrancer (to say nothing of the Remembrancer Order as a whole, which was apparently introduced to chronicle the Great Crusade when it was almost over) who makes a splash when they arrive and then sinks rather rapidly before going out with a whimper, and the beginning of the Imperial Cult. For the latter I would say that the introduction of what I believe is the first Imperial saint is well done, all the more so impressive for being spread across two novels by two separate authors. The problem is that the latter half of the saint's adventures and the Imperial Cult as a whole is presented rather weakly, being both less tense then it tries to be and rather anti-climatic. It is ironic yet not surprising that the most significant event of the religion side of the novels is well done while the stuff around it is decidedly less stirring. This irony is further deepened by the fact that every other plot point seems to be presented in reverse. For a series made to highlight the importance of these events it is nigh-unforgivable that said events feel like they were only put there because they were the whole point of the omnibus; that someone slid them into an otherwise competent group of stories because they glanced at a to-do list late during production and remembered that these plot points were supposed to be in there, so they crammed them in and put a bit of caulking around them to make them stick better. When I said before that the novels identify their goal and accomplish it, I didn't mean that they built stories around the major events they included, but rather that they intended and succeeded in creating stories in the time period and having the major events present because they needed to be.
I can get further into the things that bother me about Crusade's End, but I don't want to any further obscure what is good about this omnibus. Barring some shifts in attitude between authors, the characters are fantastic. The actions of some, like Loken, might seem predictable, but that is less because they are tropes and more because their characters are well fleshed out; readers can predict what they will do because there is a logic to their actions. When characters group together to cooperate it feels right because they are independently coming to a group consensus rather than solely following one person's lead. Of course the biggest is Loken, but readers can also see this from the primarchs that appear, especially Horus. While readers might disagree on his change of heart it becomes clear why others chose to follow him into rebellion, it was more than just his reasoning, it was because he was charismatic and cunning, not only in how others described him but in how he actually acts. Angron similarly gets characterized and given motive and a unique point of view in King of the Red Sands.
Beyond characterization, I would be remiss not to mention the worldbuilding that is done. Although the title of the series suggests that it is all about the beginning of the Heresy, the novels take their time getting there and that is no bad thing. Besides the deliciousness of the aforementioned way that the Astartes refuted ideas that they would ever fight each other, the omnibus does a good job of characterizing the Great Crusade as a whole. The importance of the Imperial Truth and its struggle against pagan worship and the nature of the civilizations that the Imperium encounters play important roles. This is part of what makes Crusade's End compelling beyond just satisfying fans' curiosity about what the Imperium was like before the Heresy; it makes it actually sad that the Crusade ended, that the dream the Emperor had died when Horus turned traitor. Readers can actually get a feel, mainly through Loken's eyes, of how much was lost when the Crusade went down in flames and pagan superstition took over.
Overall, I would say that it is definitely worth a read. Just don't expect much out of the major event.
As a Warhammer 40K omnibus: 8/10
As a Warhammer 40K omnibus emphasizing major events: 4/10
As a regular novel series: 6/10
Spoiler: Around the Forum
@Imperial1917: Death's all yours!I once tried reading another game thread with 14 characters in it, but it was a bit like trying to follow a herd of cats.Did anyone expect America to win?
Though, at least you haven't downgraded in performance.Japanese is the only one I disagree with. It's like Chinese Lite.
Courtesy of ibitou
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