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- Giving up Something Good. [HALP!]
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| Giving up Something Good. [HALP!]; But is it good in the long run? | |
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| Topic Started: 15 Oct 2008, 12:37 AM (115 Views) | |
| Miss Skizzy | 15 Oct 2008, 12:37 AM Post #1 |
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So. I've been contemplating this for the past couple of week's, and it's really making me miserable. I need some advice from my Arr-Pee-Ayy buddies  Here's the Lo' Down: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years (it'll be two years this 10th o' November) but I've been thinking about mine and his future. We're 19, we've been together since we were both 17, and he hadn't really had a girlfriend before me and I've only ever had silly little thing's that aren't even qualified to be called relationship's  But I've been wondering if this relationship is really what I want for much longer, because we are both as young as we are, and I have high hopes for my life and I don't know if he feels the same. He went to college, got numerous qualifications, but doesn't want to actually use them. I admit I did the same, but the art course I did ruined my love for art but made me realise my love for writing. I want to move out of the country, and he's afraid of moving away from his mum. I want to see who and what is out there for me and know that I explored the world as much as I was able, and found The One. Rather than staying with the one man who paid any attention to me I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to do this ten, twenty years down the line when we have kids and everything and regret what I've done in my life. The biggest fear for me is regretting the thing's I've done or not done in my life. I want to be able to lay on my death bed and feel proud. So what do I do? I'm so hopelessly and frighteningly lost... |
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| Anne Bonny | 15 Oct 2008, 01:40 AM Post #2 |
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Oh, Skizzy, it's okay. This is something a lot of us go through. My answer for you is going to be a long one, I'll warn you in advance! Ok, here's how I see it. First of all, good for you for taking a look around and at least peeking at what the rest of the world has to offer. Even if you never take a chance on it, just looking is more than a lot of people don't do. So congrats on that one. You've got to ask yourself some tough questions now. And we can't really answer them for you, only you can. And YOU should be the one answering them right now, not him. No matter how much you love him, you need to be true to yourself right now. 1. When I look ahead 10 years, am I okay with who he will be, even if he is the exact same person he is now? That includes the job he has or doesn't have, the ambitions, and the amount of respect, attention and affection his is giving you. 2. Do I want children? Do I want to continue to work full time while I have children? If not, will he be able to support all of us? Would he be able to now, in case he never does change careers? 3. When I envision my life in 10 years with him, am I satisfied? Or tired? Or even annoyed? 4. Can I see myself with someone other than him? And, are his bad habits really that bad? It's okay to answer yes or no to any of these. I am not trying to sway you in either direction. If you don't mind, I'd like to share a couple stories. I have a huge family, and a lot of them have experiances that I have learned off of in the past. 1. My aunt and uncle, who I call T&T, because that's what both their names start with. My aunt and uncle were high school sweethearts. She stayed faithful to him while he went to school\, across the country from where she was. They married quickly after and had tfour kids. Later, when her kids were in their teens, she began to wonder what would have happened if she had seen other people. Their home was thrown into turmoil, and my uncle became so distraut that he almost became verbally abusive towards her. The good news is that she realized what she was doing to her family and they went to counseling and all that, and they are still married and fairly happy today. The bad news is that she still crys when she watches romantic movies, because she knows that her husband just isn't the romantic sort, and that's what she wanted all along. The moral of that story is: she should have thought about all that when she was younger, before she said "I do." 2. I have an older half sister. She was fairly wild in her youth, especially during college. But shortly after she finished school, she met this great guy. He was sweet, caring, and thought the world of her. The problem was that he was still a student and wasn't very good looking. My sister, a knock out, blew him off several times, but eventually went out with him. Even after they dated seriously, she dumped him once. But eventually she decided that she wasn't so much better than him, and she went crawling back. They married, and had a few happy years together. (Just a few, because he died of a tragic disease, but that's really beside the point.) The moral of this story: She could have really lost a great thing without even realizing it. She's darn lucky he took her back, and she should have thought about what she had before leaving him. 3. Last one, promise! My cousin and his high school sweetheart only dated each other. Before they both left for college, they both decided that they loved each other, but wanted to see the world too. She went upstate, he went out of state. And while they each made their own experiances, they still kept in touch. They didn't hold each other back from dating, but were always true to each other about how they felt. After they both finished school, they got back together, married, and had a sweet baby boy. They're probably the most "in love" couple I've ever met, even after 7 years of marriage. The moral of this story: Honesty is the best policy. They were true to each other, tried to understand each other, and fate worked itself out. So... I guess I can't say for sure that any of these things will happen to you, but they are real possibilities. At least similar situations are, anyway. You know, I would actually advise talking to your guy about your concerns if you haven't yet. No matter what you decide, he deserves to know, and while I'm sure you don't want to worry him, I'm also sure you don't want it to be "I'm outta here" all of a sudden. Who knows? Maybe he's got some nagging concerns too. Ever heard the saying, "If you love someone set them free. If they don't come back, they were never yours to begin with"? Well, maybe that applies to both of you right now. Either way, it's time for some evaluation, and it's almost a now or never situation. Like you said, this would be way worse to be feeling years later, when kids could be thrown into the mix. No matter what you decide, tell yourself and force yourself to have no regrets. Maybe you'll leave and never find a guy like him again. Ok, but you'll have lots of great experiances instead. Or maybe you'll stay and live near him mom the rest of your life. That's ok too, because you'll have the security of being loved and cared for. Either way, there are good and bad things. You just need to decide which good and bad things you want to live with. |
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| Miss Skizzy | 15 Oct 2008, 01:52 AM Post #3 |
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-Collapses on you- Thank you for the reply I was beginning to think no one cared  See now, I answered all the question's and most of the answer's were a negative. We are two completely different people, and although they say opposite's attract, sometimes they just don't. Thanks for the stories too. They've given me a bit more perspective. I was talking to my mum about it and she's got a "what if" kind of story from her younger years; She was with a guy who was the faithful type, and by faithful type I mean they'd happily fall in love and settle down with the first person they met, and my mum came down with the measle's. But at the time she thought she could be pregnant, and my Nan called my mum's boyfriend downstairs and asked him what he would do if my mum was pregnant. His answer? "We'll get married." They were about 17 at the time. My mum never did have a baby, whether it was the measle's or she just wasn't pregnant she doesn't know, but a year or so later of being with him she strayed and he was hurt. He became verbally abusive and actually hit and kicked my mum, and then they broke up. He tried to kill himself three times and all that jazz, but she's always regretted what would have happened between them if she hadn't have strayed. I don't want to do that to my boyfriend, I want us both to be happy whether that means being together or not. I just know that he isn't the kind of man I imagined myself with (neither did my family for that matter) and there are so many thing's that, even after two years of being together, still bug me endlessly about him even though I've told him it annoys me. It still persist's. -Sigh- I know I need to talk to him, but how do you bring something so serious and hurtful up? |
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| Anne Bonny | 15 Oct 2008, 02:50 AM Post #4 |
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The Pink Lady
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There's never a good time to bring something like that up. If you plan and wait for the "perfect time," then you'll end up putting it off forever. If you're at all like me you will, anyway. Maybe you should decided things like where you will go (as in, who moves out and where to and all that) before you have the talk, but I wouldn't suggest packing your bags first either! As for your mom's story, you said she regretted not having a future with this guy if she wouldn't have strayed. Okay, sure, maybe. But really, if he was the type to hurt your mom (or mum, which is totally cute btw!) they he was always that type deep down. Sure, her actions brought it out of him, but any other situation could have. Maybe money problems later on. Maybe an argument about faith and religion. Maybe anything. But to me, someone who lashes out like that is just that kind of person. That's been my experiance anyway. Your mum did the right thing in leaving that loser. As for you, my dear, I know that this decision is a scary and sad one. It always sucks to close a part of your life, even if it is for something better in the long run. But who knows what the future will bring? Maybe this is the wake up call he needs to shape up, and after you've had your experiances you'll come back to a better man. Maybe not, but maybe. Hey, you can always write me if you ever need help, a shoulder to lean on, or just a chat, ok? Whatever and whenever you decide, and however the talk goes, let me know, ok? I'll be thinking of you. |
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| Miss Skizzy | 15 Oct 2008, 02:16 PM Post #5 |
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Thank you Anne  I agree about my mum's story too to be honest. If he was willing to hurt her once then, he'd be willing to hurt her over something else too. Thankfully me and my boyfriend don't live together yet. We've been trying find a place for the past few months and I'm glad now that we haven't found one. I'll have to think on it because our 2nd anniversary is on the 10th of november and I have a feeling he might be proposing to me then. I can't let it get that far otherwise we'll both hurt more in the long run. Again, thank you Anne -Cuddles- I'll definately be bombarding you with updates and any woes I may have
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| Anne Bonny | 15 Oct 2008, 04:13 PM Post #6 |
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The Pink Lady
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Yeah, for sure. That would be akward! But really, if you've been feeling like this for a while, he probably kinda already knows it. Which might be another reason why he's thinking of proposing. |
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| Miss Skizzy | 15 Oct 2008, 08:33 PM Post #7 |
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Hmm that's true. It's just weird that even though we can barely see eachother for a week (because we both work) that when we do see eachother I can still get annoyed at him. Isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder?
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| Anne Bonny | 16 Oct 2008, 02:15 AM Post #8 |
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Or helps to clear your head. |
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| heflo | 16 Oct 2008, 02:25 AM Post #9 |
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I have to say, that's a toughie. I went through a messy break up (I'll call him Jackass for the mo), and my advice is doing what feels best. If you think sooner is better than later, save yourself the trouble. The longer you do something, the harder it is to break away. If you want something, aim for it. And if you miss your goal, you still gain something, don't you? Knowledge, my friend. Yeah, absence makes the heart grow fonder (at times) but it can also make your frustration worse. And i probably don't have to say that though. Just do what you think is right, it'll all eventually work out. Yeah, and ten minutes ago I was burning old photographs of Jackass. It's your choice whether you listen to me, so... Good luck. |
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| Miss Skizzy | 16 Oct 2008, 10:31 AM Post #10 |
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Anne: Hmm. Very true. Heflo: Good advice dear, thank you for that. I know that this is something I'm going to have to do no matter what because either way someone will end up hurt, whether it's now or in the long run. At least this way it's just the two of us in a simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and we're not involving anyone else. |
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| wttr | 16 Oct 2008, 02:43 PM Post #11 |
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*ish on fire* AAAAAAA wrong jackass heflo,wrong jackass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I hope you do what good for you in the long run of this!) 
Edited by wttr, 16 Oct 2008, 02:45 PM.
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| Miss Skizzy | 17 Oct 2008, 01:01 AM Post #12 |
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Wttr: Silly boy Okay, so here's the scoop; We've broken up. And I can't stop crying. And I feel terrible for hurting him. And just... UGH! I'm so confused and torn right now that I don't know what I want. I miss him already, and I was trying to get to sleep but the thought of never having him hug me in bed again... God it hurt. I don't know if I'm going to be able to function at work tomorrow at all. Damnit. Why does life have to be like this? |
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