Insanity
12-21-2009, 02:52 PM
I've ben working on this on and off for a while now, and I wanted some critique on it... Preferably constructive. This is one of the first stories I've ever writen seriously, so it probably won't be the best in the world, and I would appreciate it if you could give me some pointers on what I could change/improve.
Eternal
Prologue
The kids looked at the young man sitting in the corner of the small tavern. He had strange clothes and a sword on his back, like he was from the time before technology or something. His hair was pitch black, and it was long enough to touch the floor. His skin was pale, and he had piercing, emerald green eyes. The children walked closer to get a better look; the man was eating a stake and looked up when the children approached “Why do you wear those strange clothes?” one of them asked, the man looked at his shirt “Because I like it” a small boy walked forward and looked closer at the sword “Is it real?” The man pulled it out a bit “It’s very real” he said and pushed it back in to its sheath. “You look like an old knight” one of the girls said and giggled a little “I used to be one” the man said and looked down at his plate “What!? No way!” the boy who had asked about the sword yelled out “They died a long time ago, there is no way you could have been one!” The man looked him straight in the eyes “If I told you that I had eternal life, would you believe me?” the children shook their heads “Didn't think so. But the truth is that I do. When I was younger I was cursed by a powerful necromancer, and since then I have never been able to die. Today is my 2433'rd birthday" one of the girls looked around "If it's your birthday, where are all your friends? Shouldn't you have a big party?" he looked down at the girl with a sad smile "I've lived so long that all of my old friends are gone, and all all of my new friends are too old or live too far away to come see me" the children all looked at eatchother and nodded "We'll be your friends" The same girl said "And we'll have a big party with you" another one continued. The man laughed "Thank you, young ones, but I don't need a party" he smiled and looked at them "Having some friends with me is enough"
One of the girls looked up at him "Were you married?" she asked and pointed to a ring he had on his right hand "Yes, a long time ago, when I was still mortal" he said as he took the ring of his finger and handed it to the girl "Wow, it's so beautiful" she said "Is the diamond real?" in the center of the ring was a black crystal shaped like a dragons head "Thats no diamond" the man said and took the ring back "It's a rare black crystal I found in a dragons cave a few years before I got married... You know what? Gather around and I'll tell you about it" the children sat down on the chairs around him and eagerly listened as he bagan to tell the story.
Chapter 1
"Hey! Wake up you lazy bum!" The voice echoed under the stone bridge and Gale slowly opened his eyes "What is it?" he asked with a tired sludder and sat up. Down from the bridge jumped a short boy "We found it!" he said and tried to pull Gale on his feet "Found what?" Gale asked, still not fully awake "Awww, come on! You know, the hidden cave we heard about last week" The small boy said and walked up behind Gale, this time trying to push him up. Gale quickly stood up making the boy fall forward and almost in to the river "The cave? Why didn't you say that sooner? Come on!" He pulled the boy up from the ground and started running "Where is it?" The boy was having a hard time keeping up "It’s over There" he said and pointed towards the forest, Gale ran even faster and the other boy didn't even try to keep up anymore.
Gale ran fast through the forest, some branches scraped up his legs and arms but he didn’t care, he was too exited about the cave. According to the legend there was a dragons cave, but the dragon had died a long time ago and the only one who knew where it was died with it. So the dragon’s treasures should be untouched. If this was it, they would never have to worry about money ever again.
He passed a large rock and saw the rest of the gang, Garok, Ixin and Kail. Hato was still trying to catch up. Gale stopped in front of Garok and almost fell down “You…. Found it?” They could barely hear what he said because he was breathing so heavily. Ixin bent down and looked closer at his face “Are you ok? You look like you’re gonna pass out any second” He looked up from the ground “Yeah… I’m fine… I just have to catch… my breath” Just after he said that, Hato crashed though the bushes and collapse on the ground. After about a minute or two Gales breathing was back to normal and Hato could sit up again, though he was still breathing heavily. Hato looked at the small hole in the mountain “So this is what you found? It’s too small” Kail stepped forward to the hole “Well, actually not… You see, this hole has been covered with something to make it this small” He put his hand in “only a few centimetres in you can feel that the cave is much bigger than the entrance makes it look” Kail was the smart one, he could figure out just about everything about anything. If you wanted to know something, you asked him. Garok pulled up the giant hammer he had gotten from his father, the town smith, on his last birthday, and swung at the section just beneath the hole. There was a loud cracking sound and they could see some small cracks, he swung again and again, the cracks grew larger and larger every time. It didn’t take long before the first piece of rock fell in to the hole making it bigger; it was almost big enough for Hato to climb through. Garok swung a last time and it opened up all the way to the ground.
The cave was pitch black and they where questioning if this was a good idea “Are you sure it’s safe?” Hato asked and looked at Gale “Y-yeah… Its fine, I’ll go first” He said and walked in slowly, Garok followed close behind him, then Hato, Kail and Ixin. For a long time they used the wall to navigate through the cave, but when their eyes got used to the darkness they were able to see the outlines of the rocks. They walked for what seemed like hours; suddenly they saw a small light in front of them. The light was dim and seemed to be reflected of off something. As they walked towards it the light got stronger and they started to see more of the cave. For some time they had felt that the rocks where slimy, now they could see that it was a bright red moss growing on the walls. Not long after they started to see the light they entered the large hall where it came from. The bright light blinded them for a few seconds, but when their eyes focused they could see that the ceiling was covered with gigantic crystals.
The light reflected in the crystals seemed to be comming from a small hole in the top of the cave "Woah!" Hato was the first one to say anything, everyone else were speachless "I agree" Ixin said a few seconds later. The split up and walked around the large, crystal filled chamber. The crystals were mainly a clear, light blue color, but there were also red, green yellow, orange, purple and even black ones as well.
Gale tapped one of the red ones, the clear sound echoed through the chamber "I can't believe I'm actually seeing this... It must be a dream or something" he said and pinched himself in the arm "Hey guys! Come look at this!" Kail yelled from what seemed to be the center of the camber. When the rest of the group arrived they saw what he was so exited about, in front of them were the white bones of a large dragon, the last remains of this great beast. Ixin bent down and looked closer at the head, or teeth, since one of its teeth were the same size as her "This is amazing, we actually found it!" she said and turned back to the others "Yeah, we did" Gale said and smiled. Kail looked down and saw something shimmering sticking out of a crack in the floor "Garok, can you help me with this?" he said and pointed at the golden object, the large young man grabbed a hold of the object, witch seemed to be a handle of some sort, and pulled straight up. The ground cracked and out came a chest with gold markings covering the whole thing, Garok placed it on the ground and Kail inspected it closely, the others had gathered around to see what it was "Hmmmm... This seems to be a chest that has been sealed by some ancient magic" He said and placed his hands on the top. Suddenly the chest started to glow, and without warning it exloded with sutch force that the all five of them were pushed back, Hato even flew of the ground. When the dust settled the only thing left of the chest were a few peices of wood scattered through out the chamber floor, and in its place was a large book. Kail dusted himself of and picked up the book.
He stood up from the chair he was sitting in and stretched his arms “What happened next!?” One of the children asked “If one of you can get me a glass of water I’ll continue.” The man answered. The boy who asked the question jumped up and ran over to the owner of the small tavern. He came back with a glass of water “Her you go, now continue the story” the man took a sip and put the glass down beside him “Very well, I’ll continue”
Eternal
Prologue
The kids looked at the young man sitting in the corner of the small tavern. He had strange clothes and a sword on his back, like he was from the time before technology or something. His hair was pitch black, and it was long enough to touch the floor. His skin was pale, and he had piercing, emerald green eyes. The children walked closer to get a better look; the man was eating a stake and looked up when the children approached “Why do you wear those strange clothes?” one of them asked, the man looked at his shirt “Because I like it” a small boy walked forward and looked closer at the sword “Is it real?” The man pulled it out a bit “It’s very real” he said and pushed it back in to its sheath. “You look like an old knight” one of the girls said and giggled a little “I used to be one” the man said and looked down at his plate “What!? No way!” the boy who had asked about the sword yelled out “They died a long time ago, there is no way you could have been one!” The man looked him straight in the eyes “If I told you that I had eternal life, would you believe me?” the children shook their heads “Didn't think so. But the truth is that I do. When I was younger I was cursed by a powerful necromancer, and since then I have never been able to die. Today is my 2433'rd birthday" one of the girls looked around "If it's your birthday, where are all your friends? Shouldn't you have a big party?" he looked down at the girl with a sad smile "I've lived so long that all of my old friends are gone, and all all of my new friends are too old or live too far away to come see me" the children all looked at eatchother and nodded "We'll be your friends" The same girl said "And we'll have a big party with you" another one continued. The man laughed "Thank you, young ones, but I don't need a party" he smiled and looked at them "Having some friends with me is enough"
One of the girls looked up at him "Were you married?" she asked and pointed to a ring he had on his right hand "Yes, a long time ago, when I was still mortal" he said as he took the ring of his finger and handed it to the girl "Wow, it's so beautiful" she said "Is the diamond real?" in the center of the ring was a black crystal shaped like a dragons head "Thats no diamond" the man said and took the ring back "It's a rare black crystal I found in a dragons cave a few years before I got married... You know what? Gather around and I'll tell you about it" the children sat down on the chairs around him and eagerly listened as he bagan to tell the story.
Chapter 1
"Hey! Wake up you lazy bum!" The voice echoed under the stone bridge and Gale slowly opened his eyes "What is it?" he asked with a tired sludder and sat up. Down from the bridge jumped a short boy "We found it!" he said and tried to pull Gale on his feet "Found what?" Gale asked, still not fully awake "Awww, come on! You know, the hidden cave we heard about last week" The small boy said and walked up behind Gale, this time trying to push him up. Gale quickly stood up making the boy fall forward and almost in to the river "The cave? Why didn't you say that sooner? Come on!" He pulled the boy up from the ground and started running "Where is it?" The boy was having a hard time keeping up "It’s over There" he said and pointed towards the forest, Gale ran even faster and the other boy didn't even try to keep up anymore.
Gale ran fast through the forest, some branches scraped up his legs and arms but he didn’t care, he was too exited about the cave. According to the legend there was a dragons cave, but the dragon had died a long time ago and the only one who knew where it was died with it. So the dragon’s treasures should be untouched. If this was it, they would never have to worry about money ever again.
He passed a large rock and saw the rest of the gang, Garok, Ixin and Kail. Hato was still trying to catch up. Gale stopped in front of Garok and almost fell down “You…. Found it?” They could barely hear what he said because he was breathing so heavily. Ixin bent down and looked closer at his face “Are you ok? You look like you’re gonna pass out any second” He looked up from the ground “Yeah… I’m fine… I just have to catch… my breath” Just after he said that, Hato crashed though the bushes and collapse on the ground. After about a minute or two Gales breathing was back to normal and Hato could sit up again, though he was still breathing heavily. Hato looked at the small hole in the mountain “So this is what you found? It’s too small” Kail stepped forward to the hole “Well, actually not… You see, this hole has been covered with something to make it this small” He put his hand in “only a few centimetres in you can feel that the cave is much bigger than the entrance makes it look” Kail was the smart one, he could figure out just about everything about anything. If you wanted to know something, you asked him. Garok pulled up the giant hammer he had gotten from his father, the town smith, on his last birthday, and swung at the section just beneath the hole. There was a loud cracking sound and they could see some small cracks, he swung again and again, the cracks grew larger and larger every time. It didn’t take long before the first piece of rock fell in to the hole making it bigger; it was almost big enough for Hato to climb through. Garok swung a last time and it opened up all the way to the ground.
The cave was pitch black and they where questioning if this was a good idea “Are you sure it’s safe?” Hato asked and looked at Gale “Y-yeah… Its fine, I’ll go first” He said and walked in slowly, Garok followed close behind him, then Hato, Kail and Ixin. For a long time they used the wall to navigate through the cave, but when their eyes got used to the darkness they were able to see the outlines of the rocks. They walked for what seemed like hours; suddenly they saw a small light in front of them. The light was dim and seemed to be reflected of off something. As they walked towards it the light got stronger and they started to see more of the cave. For some time they had felt that the rocks where slimy, now they could see that it was a bright red moss growing on the walls. Not long after they started to see the light they entered the large hall where it came from. The bright light blinded them for a few seconds, but when their eyes focused they could see that the ceiling was covered with gigantic crystals.
The light reflected in the crystals seemed to be comming from a small hole in the top of the cave "Woah!" Hato was the first one to say anything, everyone else were speachless "I agree" Ixin said a few seconds later. The split up and walked around the large, crystal filled chamber. The crystals were mainly a clear, light blue color, but there were also red, green yellow, orange, purple and even black ones as well.
Gale tapped one of the red ones, the clear sound echoed through the chamber "I can't believe I'm actually seeing this... It must be a dream or something" he said and pinched himself in the arm "Hey guys! Come look at this!" Kail yelled from what seemed to be the center of the camber. When the rest of the group arrived they saw what he was so exited about, in front of them were the white bones of a large dragon, the last remains of this great beast. Ixin bent down and looked closer at the head, or teeth, since one of its teeth were the same size as her "This is amazing, we actually found it!" she said and turned back to the others "Yeah, we did" Gale said and smiled. Kail looked down and saw something shimmering sticking out of a crack in the floor "Garok, can you help me with this?" he said and pointed at the golden object, the large young man grabbed a hold of the object, witch seemed to be a handle of some sort, and pulled straight up. The ground cracked and out came a chest with gold markings covering the whole thing, Garok placed it on the ground and Kail inspected it closely, the others had gathered around to see what it was "Hmmmm... This seems to be a chest that has been sealed by some ancient magic" He said and placed his hands on the top. Suddenly the chest started to glow, and without warning it exloded with sutch force that the all five of them were pushed back, Hato even flew of the ground. When the dust settled the only thing left of the chest were a few peices of wood scattered through out the chamber floor, and in its place was a large book. Kail dusted himself of and picked up the book.
He stood up from the chair he was sitting in and stretched his arms “What happened next!?” One of the children asked “If one of you can get me a glass of water I’ll continue.” The man answered. The boy who asked the question jumped up and ran over to the owner of the small tavern. He came back with a glass of water “Her you go, now continue the story” the man took a sip and put the glass down beside him “Very well, I’ll continue”