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Insanity
12-29-2009, 10:29 AM
So, I got this idea for a character last night. A supernatural creature that goes around and drives people insane by making them suffer horribly in some way. I also tried a new way of writing, so I apologize if it looks like shit. I would really like some comments on this. And I know it's short, it's supposed to be.



The man was tall, the young boy had to tilt his head back a bit to see his face. The man was dressed almost like a 19th century nobleman, a white shirt, brown west, with matching white jacket, pants and shoes. On his head he had a white top hat, and in his hand he had a white cane with gold ornaments. His hair was also white, and from what could be seen from under the hat, it was a bit messy. He was skinny, and looked almost emaciated. His face looked almost like a skull, with his bony features, pale white skin, black eyes, and his jaws and lips locked in a wicked grin.

- Excuse me, may I come in for a minute? The man asked and looked over the boy and in to the apartment.

- I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to let strangers in to the house when I'm alone. The boy answered and started to close the door. The man stopped him by putting his cane in the way

- But I'm no stranger, Jack, don't you remember me? The man pushed the door open and walked inside.

- No, I can't say I do. Jack answered and closed the door.

- I used to babysit you when you were little. I moved away a while ago, but I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd visit to see how you were doing, and I must say you have grown in to a fine young man. He said, still with the same vile grin on his face. Jack was a bit nervous, he couldn't really remember ever having a babysitter, but maybe he was too young at the time to remember. The man walked around the house and looked around, it did seem like he knew the place, and that he had been there before. Maybe he wasn't lying after all.

Jack walked in to the kitchen.

- Do you want some coffee, or tea? He asked. The man had sat down in the sofa in the living room.

- Some tea would be nice. The man answered.

Jack poured some water in to the tea kettle and put it on the stove, turned the dial up and took out some tea leaves. The man had only been there a few minutes, but Jack felt like he had known him for his entire life. When the tea was finished he brought it out to the man in one of their finer cups, the ones that they only used when they had fine guests over.

- I' sorry that I still can't remember you. Jack said as he poured some tea in to one of the cups and sat down in the chair opposite of the man.

- Don't worry about it. The smile didn't look as wicked anymore, it was more like the smile of a kind old friend.

- By the way, what's your name? Jack asked, he had been talking to this man without knowing who he actually was. The man handed him a card, it only had a name printed on it "Mr. Sanity - The Psychiatrist"

- Mr. Sanity? That's a pretty strange name... And you're a Psychiatrist? Then maybe you can tell everyone I'm not a nut case. jack said and put the card on the table.

- Yes, yes, and we'll see. For med to tell everyone you're not a nutcase, I will have to examine you first. The man said and pulled out a notebook.

- Now? Jack asked, a bit surprised, he had only been joking about that last part.

- Yes, now... Unless you don't want to, that is. The man said and halted his movement, waiting for Jack to make a decision.

- no, it's ok, we can do it now. I'm not doing anything else anyways.

The man started by asking a few standard questions. Jack had been to a few psychiatrists before, and they all asked them. He answered them like he always did, and it was clear to both of them that they were used to these questions and answers. After a few minutes Jack noticed that the man seemed to be bothered by something.

- Is something wrong? He asked. The man looked up from the notebook and was about to speak, but paused for a few seconds before he did.

- No, it's nothing... Well, maybe. He said and moved a bit closer towards Jack, as if to get a better look at him.

- What? Is there something on my face? Jack got a bit nervous again.

- It's your eyes... They look red, almost like they are burning. The man said. Jack rubbed his eyes a bit.

- Well, they are itching a bit, I guess I didn't notice anything until now, I'll go wash them a bit, maybe that'll fix it. He said and walked in to the bathroom. When he looked in the mirror he could see that his eyes were really red, and he could feel it getting worse, the itching had become stinging. He washed his eyes, and it relieved it a bit. He walked back out to the living room and sat down again.

- It feels a bit better now, so lets keep going. He said, and they kept going with the conversation.

Although he had said it was better, it was still getting worse, it was now back to the same stinging feeling he had before he washes his eyes. He was blinking a lot, and rubbing his eyes, trying to get rid of whatever it was. The man could easily notice that it had gotten worse.

- Are you sure you're ok? Maybe we should call someone? The man asked, and got up to find a phone. He went out of the room to the hallway where the closest phone was located. He got back a minute or two later, and by this time Jack had gotten a lot worse.

- Please! Make it stop! Jack screamed. The man looked at him.

- I tried to call, but there was no dial tone. He said. That's when Jack noticed, the man still had the same grin that he had when he knocked on the door.

- What? It was working earlier today! Please! You have to help me make it stop! It burns! He was yelling now. The stinging had become burning, and it felt like his eyes were melting. The pain was excruciating, and he didn't know how much more he could take.

- I'll try again, but I don't think it's going to work, since I got this. The man held up the phone plug, it had been cut off. He laughed and threw the plug away and walked closer to jack.

- How does it feel? Like you're going to go crazy, right? The mans voice was different now, it wasn't as kind as it had been before, it became irregular and almost mad sounding. He laughed again, a laugh that could drive you insane.

- Who are you? Why are you doing this!? Please, make it stop! Jack pleaded. The man just walked back a few steps and twirled around, like he was dancing.

- My name, is In Sanity, The Psychiatrist, at your service! He said and bowed to Jack, with the same wicked smile he had always had.

The paramedics got to the house the call had come from. An elderly woman had heard screaming from the apartment below and called the police, they had found a young boy in the corner of the living room, and the blood in the room had gotten them to call the paramedics. They had also left the boy alone for the moment, since they weren't equipped to deal with this sort of person. When the paramedics entered the living room the officers pointed towards the boy. He was sitting in one of the corners with his face towards the wall, mumbling something they couldn't hear. They slowly walked closer, until they were right behind him.

- Excuse me, young man, are you alright? One of the men asked. Jack turned his face towards the voice, and the sight horrified both the paramedics and the officers.

- I made it stop, all by myself! Jack said and smiled.

- Made what stop? The first man asked with a trembling.

- The burning, I made it stop. The paramedics helped the boy to his feet, from the blood on his hands, and the scratches on his face, it was apparent. Jack had clawed his own eyes out.

Jack was diagnosed to have suffered from what they called "An acute mental breakdown". After he was released from the hospital he wanted at least one of his parents to stay with him at home, in case the man came back, and no matter how much they tried to convince him, he refused to see a psychiatrist. The police did a full investigation on the man Jack had described, but most of them found the story hard to believe. A man called In Sanity, who left no physical evidence, and made eyes burn. And the fact that the story came from a boy with a history of mental instability didn't help the credibility of the story either.

A few minutes after the news about the young boy had been shown on TV there was a knock on the door. The old lady walked slowly and when she reached the door she opened the door just a little. On the porch stood a tall man, dressed in white, and looked almost like he was from a different time. He was skinny, with pale skin, white hair, and black eyes. His mouth was locked in a wicked grin, and he looked almost like a ghost in the moonlight.

- Excuse me, may I come in for a minute?

CptxMorgan
12-29-2009, 08:24 PM
Cool story bro.

Insanity
12-29-2009, 09:02 PM
Thanks :) Some constructive criticism would be nice, though, if that's not too much to ask.

Lerouge
12-29-2009, 09:12 PM
First off all use quotation marks around speech, it will make it a bit easier to read and easier on the reader's eyes. Also I like the idea, the details are kind of lacking though.

For example.
The man walked around the house and looked around, it did seem like he knew the place, and that he had been there before.

What made it seem like he knew the place? His expression? Something he said? Just things like this will really add to the story.

So far, great idea keep going with it. :D

Insanity
12-29-2009, 10:02 PM
Thanks :D Well, this is pretty much the whole story, the length is about what I want it to be, I'm just looking for ways to improve what's already there. Any future development of the idea would be making it in to a RP I have also been thinking about, but that's not likely to happen unless I see some major response about it in this thread.

But anyway, thank you for the tips, I'll try to work on it some more... But considering how lazy I am, I can't see that happening any time soon :XD:

Lerouge
12-29-2009, 10:09 PM
Well I don't mean continue the story, but like continue editing it. :D

Insanity
12-30-2009, 01:11 AM
Ah, ok :XD: I'll try my best.