You can't win them all...[M]

[LMM]

Chapter1.1(Read) It's true you really can't...(drunk)
But you can try right?
WARNING: There is some mature language located inside this story!
This story started out as a fantasy then I realized it was seven pages long and still growing...So I thought why not see if it's any good...I would love some comments...I WILL ADORE YOU FOREVER! :hugg:
I was maneuvering my way through the crowd of people with no problem. I had just finished cleaning the bathrooms and had to get back to my post at the window before the between games rush began. That’s when I heard her voice…

“Look at that little slut.” A girl said with long frizzy black hair with a snobbish flare to her voice. I threw down the box of cleaning supplies I had in my hand, she had taken one step to far.

The girl with the frizzy black hair’s name is Krista, and she moved to my school this year. She has been nothing but trouble for my whole group, making rumors, starting crap. She is just bad wrapped in frizzy black hair.

That’s what I kept telling my self as I wheeled myself around and walked over to her. She is several inches shorter than me and so I was looking down at her, little miss smart-ass, hands on her hips, lips curved into a smug little smirk.

“Hey Will!” I heard the happy voice of one of Krista’s goons; the only thing is that goon had a crush on me since like second grade. Edwin Lawson. He was cool, and pretty sweet, just not my type, especially since he hung around with a horrible witch like Krista.

I didn't pay attention to him, and did something much worse than ignoring Edwin. I reeled back and punched Krista smack dab on her petty little nose. Well that didn’t go over to well with the goons, not even Edwin, who gazed at me wide eyed for a moment. Krista grabbed her nose that had begun bleeding and fell to her knees.

As she fell all her goons went to her, they would know where I was to get me back later. I turned and grabbed my cleaning supplies and headed back to my window, I was late. The rush had already started.

There were several people around Krista that took several steps back. I avoided eye contact but could still feel thier eyes on me. This was a pretty good sized softball assisiaction, but there was never any fights. As I headed to the concession stand people stepped back from me, clearing a path. I wasn't sure if I should be honored or worried.

The fact that there had been so many people around hadn't registered with me until after I clocked Krista, now I realized how many people had actually seen me. A large group of goons, and just people were now huddled around Krista helping her up and talking to her about her nose.

[mere]

He was cool, and pretty sweet just not my type, especially since he hung around with a horrible witch like Krista.

This sentence would flow better if there was a pause between "sweet" and "just". Or it could go like, " He was cool, and pretty sweet, but not my type, especially since he hung around with a horrible witch like Krista."



I didn’t pay attention to him, no what I did do was much worse than ignoring Edwin.


This would sound better if it said, "I didn't pay attention to him, and did something much worse than ignoring Edwin."



Yeah, I thought of that, I turned and grabbed my cleaning supplies and headed back to my window I was late, the rush had already started.

Get rid of "Yeah, I thought of that," It is an unneeded detail and makes the sentence awkward.

Second, a pause should be between "window" and "I". Or go something like this, " I turned and grabbed my cleaning supplies and headed back to my window, noticing that I was late. The rush had already started.

Remember to add more detail and to explain your surroundings. Maybe you could say that “Many people near them had worried expressions and backed away from the group, afraid that a fight may occur after watching the one girl fall to down, clutching her bleeding nose.” Pay attention to the environment.

Hope this helps.

[LMM]

Thanks! :)
I'll go ahead and fix that stuff...
I really never meant for this to become a story so yeah :)
Thanks for the comments!

[LMM]

Chapter 1.2(Read) Well here is the second part...I dont even know why I keep posting this, but oh well :)I had to smile as I heard several people say, "Oh Krista, it doesn't look that bad." As I popped into the concession stand and put the cleaning supplies up before running to my window.

I mean I'm not one to get in a fight, in fact my mom says I'm like her, the one that will go above and beyond the call to avoid such a thing. I guess I proved her wrong today.

I felt pretty proud of myself, as I yelled orders to my boss, Dee.That may seem strange but I work a window, and she works in the back preparing food, how else is she suppoused to know that I need two nachos one with pepers and a hot dog? She was a really nice lady, really loud, someone who you loved to work for.

I grabbed candy bars, and waters, gator aids, and hot food, as I thought about what I had done. Knowing Krista she would either wine to her parents and they would call the cops, or she would have her goons take care of me when I got off work. I wondered if Edwin would help or not?

Yeah he liked me, yeah he was my friend, but he also liked Krista, and…

I was brought out of my trance as my phone vibrated under the little counter. The rush had slowed down enough so that Grant, my coworker, could handle the customers with only his window open.

I grabbed my phone it was a text, from Edwin… “Hey Will, what the hell? Krista didn’t do anything to you!” That’s what the text said and that is why Dee and Grant are looking at me like a retard as I laugh my head off.

I am Willow Rayberry, but everyone calls me Will. I go to a small under funded school, that doesn’t normally have to many problems. That is until Krista came to our school. That’s when we got our first real slut, our first real drama queen. She hasn’t ever been to her locker with less than two guys at her locker. I SWEAR!

I stopped laughing realizing that even the first few customers in line were watching me. “Sorry.”

I quickly texted back, “Don’t even act like that Edwin, she is rude to me all the time…let me guess do I need to watch my back or something?”

I sat my phone down and started working a little, the rush was completely over now, one or two people straggled up to the window to get some stuff here and there. The games had started and my dad’s team was playing.