Short Tales from Housemaster

[Housemaster]

http://i.t.com.com/i/lumiere/2006/02/24/13675-13675-20060224_135238-320x240.jpg

Hello children, welcome to "Short Tales from Housemaster"! A segment of Canadian television broadcasting fun for the whole family!

Now... let us begin!

Our first story is called "Best Golfing Trip Ever", here it goes...

I had one hell of a day!

I was out golfing with friends from work on a Saturday afternoon, and it was a fine day to be outside indeed. However, before I continue, I must inform everyone that I had copious amounts of Mexican nachos with extra cheese two days prior. Since then I’ve been unable to unload my solid waste into a toilet, and has since been building up mass overtime. It has waited until now, when I was playing golf with my friends, to finally hit me.

When I felt the sudden urge to dispose of my bowls, I was at hole 12, the course furthest away from the golfing lodge which contained the only bathrooms. Since I didn’t want to ruin my friends golfing trip by ditching them and holding up the game I clenched my ass cheeks with the power equal to that of the Jaws of Life. This caused me to golf with the brilliant grace of a mentally retarded seagull, but it was worth it.

After what felt like an eternity, we finally reached the lodge. I quickly rushed to the washroom, my steel asshole slowly giving way to the enormous pressure from the opposite end. Upon entering the bathroom I was relieved to find it empty. It was unfortunate that it was such a nice bathroom, marble floors, clean modern sinks, and nice toilets, one of which was about to be destroyed.

Out of the four stalls I jumped in the second one and quickly locked the door behind me. While I was fumbling with my belt and pants, my heart quickly sank. Two more people entered the washroom. One went to one of the urinals while the other decided to settle down in the stall next to mine. I slowly sat down, trying to hold my ass-ammo inside to avoid any catastrophes. The first man left quickly after he peed and left without washing his hands, the man in the stall next to me was taking his sweet bloody time. Then I heard his cell-phone ring!

“Mother fucker!” I whispered to myself, who the hell would he talk to in a fucking public washroom? My face is red from my efforts to not combust in millions of shit stained pieces. The fucker beside me was having a merry ol’ conversation with who I assumed was his boss by the way he kept replying with “sir” and occasionally laughed uncomfortably at a bad joke. My blood pressure had skyrocketed, the battle between my bowls and my anus was a losing one, I couldn’t hold it any longer… the results were nothing short of outstanding.

It was like the 4th of July, the shit bellowed out of my ass like a stampede of elephants on redbull. The sound was similar to that of ripping drywall apart. It felt like I was riding a Harley Davison down a dirt road, and the sensation of emptying everything I had was orgasmic. The first wave lasted a good ten seconds of pure chaotic shit, and then… dead silence. There was the most brilliant awkward moment that followed, you could hear a pin drop. I then heard a light grunt-like voice that came from my neighbour’s cell phone.

“No sir it wasn’t, it was the radio!” he tried to explain.

The retard should have hung up his phone there and then, because I sure as hell wasn’t finished and it was my moment to shine!

“OH GOD, MORE IS COMING!” I yelled before releasing yet another fantastic load into the toilet. I was shitting so hard that small pieces of poop were ricocheting upwards. My ass was being ripped asunder, but it felt so good! There was no way my neighbour could explain any of this to his boss. It’s his fault for starting a conversation with boss in the goddamn washroom.

Another moment of silence soon followed, but was broken by the clearly concerned voice of my neighbour’s boss, who repeatedly attempted to reassure him that he’s not sitting next to a man who’s unleashing all hell into a toilet. Why he didn’t hang-up was beyond me.

Anyways, during this second moment of silence, another person decided to enter the bathroom. He chose the first stall, which was also next to mine, which meant I was now surrounded by two very unfortunate men. The second man didn’t realise what he just walked into until he sat down, I could hear him gagging over the unbelievably awful smell. The third and last wave was almost upon me. I came this far, there’s no turning back now! Letting out more inappropriate screams of pleasure I unleashed my last turrah into the bowl. The sound my anus produced was equivalent to a battalion of bagpipes, and I never felt more relieved in my life! Sex will never satisfy me ever again!

The deed was done, and by god no sane man in the world would ever attempt flushing the monstrosity I created. After cleaning my anus, ass-cheeks, and legs with toilet paper, I would have simply left the abomination in the bowl. However, as I turned around, to my horror… the toilet was automatic.

I witnessed the toilet attempting to flush. I desperately pulled up my pants and scurried out of the stall to avoid the ticking time bomb. The toilet sounded like a kazoo being played underwater, and I stayed momentarily to watch as shit-stained water flowed upwards and poured onto the floor… and gushed into the stalls next to mine.

“OH WHAT THE FUCK?!?” One man yelled as I could hear them both scrambling in their stalls fumbling with their belt buckles.

By the time they were out of their stalls I was long gone, back with my friends who wondered why I looked as if I just lost 30 pounds. On our way back to the city, we passed an ambulance and a fire truck going at full speed in the opposite direction towards the golf course, I couldn’t help but grin, thinking of the untold damage I caused.

http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n195/Sedalb_pics/Picture_1.png

[Mockingjay]

Oh sweet jesus. xD I don't think I've laughed that much in a while. POST MORE!!!

[Stream]

That's what you get for being Canadian and for golfing.

[Housemaster]

That's what you get for being Canadian and for golfing.

Indeed, it's hard to golf on melting ice tundras!

http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n195/Sedalb_pics/oct11_winter4_600x402.jpg

[Sigma]

Sweet Jesus indeed!!!!!!!!! I laughed so hard the I had to take a five minute break to just control myself! lol!

My stomach never ached so much...it was awesome...

[Stream]

Indeed, it's hard to golf on melting ice tundras!

http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n195/Sedalb_pics/oct11_winter4_600x402.jpg

http://cdn.holytaco.com/www/sites/default/files/photo/af/11794/Case-You-Were-Wondering_500x500.jpg

[L]

*blinks*

.... if only Hollywood producers could do toilet humor so well

[Housemaster]

*warning: incredibly strong language ahead:


Thomas the Tank Engine lost Episode:


Taming the Troublesome Trucks


Narrated by Ringo Starr

They're two, they're four, they're six, they're eight!
Shunting trucks and hauling freight!
Red and green and brown and blue,
they're the really useful crew!
All with different roles to play,
Round Tidmouth sheds or far away.
Down the hills and round the bends,
Thomas and friends!

The Island of Sodor is surrounded by beautiful blue sea. It has fields of green and sandy yellow beaches. There are rivers, streams and lots of trees where the birds sing. There are windmills, a coal mine, and docks where visitors to the island arrive.

The island also has lots and lots of railway lines! Who's that blue engine puffing down the track so cheerfully?

Why it's none other then Thomas the Tank Engine!

Thomas is a very popular tank engine in Sodor. He always toots his engine to say "hello" to the visitors and children waving at the stations and bridges. Although not the biggest engine in Sodor, Thomas does his best to help out, and is always there to help out his friends. It seems like today would be a day where one of his friends would need a lot of help.

Thomas pulled into the docks to pick up some machinery for the factory. While the freights were being hooked up, Tobi, Thomas' friend, looked anxious.

"What's wrong Tobi?" Thomas asked, wondering why Tobi looks worried.

"Oohhh it's those troublesome trucks again..." sighed Tobi, "They made fun of me and called me names all day while I hauled them to the station. Now Percy's using them to haul coal from the mines! I hope he's okay!"

Thomas had dealt with the troublesome trucks before, so he knew how bothersome they could be. However, today the trucks were being even more troublesome then before!

After Thomas delivered the parts to the factory, he met up with all of the engines at the station. When he arrived, the entire place was in a panic.

"Percy killed himself!" someone cried

Thomas, looking very shocked, pulled next to Sir Topham Hatt who was in charge of all the engines.

"What on earth is going on?!" Thomas asked, worried if the rumours about Percy killing himself was true.

Topham Hatt looked at Thomas, "Those Troublesome Trucks have crossed the line!" he answered, "Apparently, while Percy was using them to haul the coal from the mines, they were relentlessly teasing him. After the job, Percy went full speed around Cliff's Edge turn, and flung himself into the sea..."

Thomas could not believe what he was hearing. "Is... is he dead?"

"No..." Topham Hatt replied, "But he's seriously damaged and will take months to repair. Edward is talking to the Troublesome Trucks right now, perhaps you should go help him."

Without another word Thomas puffed away to see Edward and the Troublesome Trucks. Passing all of the confused, worried engines, Thomas finally made it to the tracks where Edward was. Edward was a bigger engine then Percy and Tobi, so perhaps he could reason with the Troublesome Trucks! As Thomas pulled next to Edward, he heard things he's never heard any engine or trucks say ever!

"Oi! Look'at this big blue prick!" one truck shouted at Thomas.

"Great, now we're going to be ass-fucked by two blue faggot engines! I've enough of this bollocks! Kill yourself you useless cunt!" another truck jeered.

"Hello Thomas..." Edward sighed, looking defeated. Thomas didn't know what to say. He was still processing all the mean things the trucks were shouting at both him and Edward. "I didn't have much luck reasoning with these trucks... they're more troublesome then ever now!" Edward told Thomas.

"You just hafta scare em'!" A big strong voice said, puffing in on the tracks next to Thomas.

Gordon, the strongest engine in Sodor, pulled next to both Thomas and Edward.

"Scare them?" Edward repeated, wondering what Gordon has in mind.

"Yus, scare em'! Once you show them that it's we engines that call all the shots, they'll smarten up and behave like good trucks should!" Gordon explained.

"OH LOOK! ANOTHER BLUE DILDO PULLED UP!" one of the trucks yelled.

All of the troublesome trucks laughed, making Gordon's face red with anger.

"I'll show you trucks some respect!" he growled

"Whaddya gonna do? Your face is already scary enough!" one truck shouted, "It's like all the retards in the world donated their sperm and mixed it up until they could create the most retarded baby-sperm known in existence. They've then poured all that sperm in your engine while ass-fucking your eye-sockets to make you even more ugly then you already where!"

Gordon puffed away to quickly change tracks, then quickly returned on the troublesome truck's tracks.

"Get ready for the ride of your life..." Gordon growled

"Bring it on down-syndrome the tank engine!"

Without another word, Gordon roughly hooked himself to the troublesome trucks and quickly puffed away into the mountains.

"Oh no!" said Edward, "Gordon's taking them by the mountains, those tracks are very dangerous!"

Thomas remained silent until he finally asked a question.

"How does one ass-fuck an eye socket?" he asked

Edward sighed, "I'm not answering that..."

"Fair enough."

***

An hour had passed, and Gordon still did not return. Both Edward and Thomas were getting worried until they heard the sound of a large tank engine rolling into station. They also heard the small chanting of the troublesome trucks.

"GIMMIE AN F! GIMMIE AN A! GIMMIE A G! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!" all of the trucks teased Gordon, obviously he could not scare the troublesome trucks.

Gordon slowly pushed the trucks back into the station looking very much defeated.

"At least you tried your best..." Edward added, trying to cheer Gordon up. Gordon however did not say a word.

After he pushed the trucks into the station, Gordon unhooked himself and slowly puffed away without saying a word.

"Awwww there he goes like the lil' cunt-worshipper he is!" the trucks teased.

Gordon puffed away from the station, Edward looked worried.

"I better go check on him to see if he's okay..." he said, quickly puffing away to follow Gordon.

Fifteen minutes later, Edward puffed into the station with a very sad look on his face.

"Gordon hung himself!" he shouted.

There was silence, even the troublesome trucks were stunned, "How da fuck did that fat peice of blue shit hang himself?"

"Yeah! What did he use? Steel cable?"

"He probably just flung himself into the ocean like his dick-eating friend Percy did." another truck added.

"YOU TRUCKS HAVE NO RESPECT!" Edward huffed, very crossed with the troublesome trucks.

"Stop!" cried Thomas, "Edward, we should try to be nice to the Troublesome Trucks. Gordon didn't succeed when he tried to scare them, so lets try being nice instead!" Thomas insisted.

Edward, not knowing what to say, remained silent.

"I know!" Thomas added, "I'll take the trucks on a lovely trip around the beach, I know they'll love it there!" he whistled

"Fuck you Thomas! Your ass is all we'll see you fat piece of engine cum!" a truck protested.

However, Thomas kept a big cheerful smile on his face as he hooked himself to the troublesome trucks.

"Wish me luck!" Thomas tooted to Edward, who still remained silent because he thought Thomas was incredibly stupid.

Thomas puffed away with the troublesome trucks hooked to his engine. "FAAAAACK! WHY CAN'T WE GET PULLED BY A REAL ENGINE INSTEAD OF EMO COLOURED CUNTBAGS?" a truck shouted, but Thomas ignored him, cheerfully puffing down the tracks of Sodor.

"Hello Thomas!" Some children waved on a near by road.

"I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!" the truck screamed and spat greasy coal in the children's faces.

"Don't mind the trucks!" Thomas tooted, "They're a bit troublesome today!"

Puffing further down the tracks, they were getting closer to the yellow sandy beach. It was just around the corner and through the long tunnel.

"Uh oh... Thomas is taking us through a tunnel!" a truck shouted, "I hope your body is ready Thomas, we're gonna RAPE YOU!" they shouted.

"We've had enough of this human centipede bullshit! We're gonna rape you just like we raped Percy and Gordon!"

Thomas entered the dark tunnel, hauling the troublesome trucks behind.

"Excellent, you're lucky it's dark in here or else you'd see that all of us have our 'rape face' on! We'll rape you ten times before you get us to the beach!" one truck snickered.

"Too bad..." Thomas replied in an overly cheerful echoey voice. "We're not going to the beach..."

Thomas's headlight turned on, and to the truck's surprise, he was puffing backwards through the tunnel while facing the troublesome trucks, his face fixed in his creepy smile.

"... the fuck?"

"Dude, wtf is this? How did he turn around?"

"Guys, I'm not liking this..."

"Fuck off Thomas we're not scared of you! We know this tunnel ends at the beach you dumbfuck!"

Thomas continued to smile, "Oh.. not THIS tunnel... I figured the beach wasn't sunny or warm enough... Where WE'RE going will much more enjoyable for you all!"

The trucks, for the first time today, had nothing to say.

A light was visible at the end of the tunnel, and all the trucks felt it getting much warmer since they've entered the tunnel.

"Dude, where the fuck are we?"
"Dunno man, just fucking chill!"
"Shit guys what is this?"
"He's bluffing, he must be!"

Nearing the end of the tunnel, it was finally revealed to where they were.

"WELCOME TO HELL!" Thomas laughed

Fire was everywhere, and the tracks were red hot, burning the wheels of the trucks. the tracks seemed to be suspended without any support as they puffed further into hell.

"Hooooope yoooooou liiiiiike iiiiiit heeeeeere" Thomas sang as all the trucks lost their shit.

Below them looked like an endless pit of burning machines, engines and trucks while above them were floating ghost children, singing the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song over and over again. Their voices echoed in what looked like the endless cave of hell, when suddenly Thomas began to grow.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" the trucks screamed as Thomas grew bigger and bigger.

"He'll snap the rails! We'll all fall in!" one truck panicked

Thomas grew and grew as the rails became weaker and weaker.

"Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck" one truck mumbled as the others began to cry.

"WE'RE SORRY THOMAS!!! I SWEAR WE'LL BE GOOD!!"

"Tooooooo Laaaaaaate!" Thomas sang as the rail finally snapped.

"NOOOOO!!!!" all the trucks screamed as the children continued to sing

Thomas dragged all the trucks off the tracks and they all fell into the fiery depths of hell itself! Their faces and hulls melted into smoking goop, only to hear Thomas's endless laughter over and over again...

***

Meanwhile, Edward was back at the station. He was worried that the troublesome trucks would make Thomas attempt suicide like the others. However, his worries had to wait as he heard an engine enter the station.

It was Thomas!

The bright blue engine hauled the troublesome trucks into the station, all were silent and did not say a single word.

"Thomas! I was worried about you!" Edward shouted. "Are you ok?"

"I'm just fine!" Thomas tooted, "These cars promised to behave themselves from now on! Isn't that right?"

"Yeswepromisetobehaveourselvesfromnowon...Thomasiso urmaster..." they all replied in a dead-like monotone voice.

Sir Topham Hatt approached Thomas as he unhooked himself from the troublesome trucks.

"Thomas! How did you do it?" he asked

"Well Sir Hatt... I learned that the best way to gain cooperation is through kindness! Instead of making enemies, I made more friends!" Thomas replied cheerfully.

"Thomasisourmaster...Thomasisourmaster..." the trucks started chanting.

And everyone lived happily ever after... except Percy, who died in a Train coma...


http://duesters.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/how-thomas-the-tank-engine-works-1.jpg

[Housemaster]

Ever feel that society doesn't accept your creativity? Sometimes I do, and it feels like poop. So I wrote a goddamn poem about it and went "HAR HAR I WRITE TEH WORDS!"

Seriously though, I hope you enjoy

***

*****

*******

*********


The damaged goods are on the road
The damaged goods are on the road
As it fell down and struck past memories long ago
Got to keep them kept before they're sold

The damaged goods are at your door
The damaged goods are at your door
They never ask but you know what they're looking for
Time passes by, they're missing even more

As items pass the list they never will be told
The wonders that damage can unfold
You find the humming sound that plays into a beat
An item that should never have been sold

The damaged goods are on your desk
The damaged goods are on my desk
The suits comes in, they bring the masks
They work your desk until it's clean
They leave the room, and safely lock the doors
You're sitting at a desk but it's not yours

A lifetime's past contains a many few unknown
So many thoughts that were not shown
Your words arrange to tell a telling never told
An item that should never have been sold

[Housemaster]

HARRY POTTER AND THE GAME ON BROOMS

A fan fiction skillfully written by HOUSEMASTER

Once upon times, there were the brooms. ON THESE BROOMS THERE WERE MAGIC!

Harry Potter was the most powerful magic in the world... nothing could defeat his. one day in magic camp darko malfoi called harry a name.

"HAHA HARRY YOU HAVE NOT PARENTS!" he shooted, making harry sad.

"that is not nice things to be say said Himorny, who did not like darko malfoi one bit. "he is my friend.

"yeah!" said ron wesse

"no guys" harry walked, "i have to defind myself!"

the next day they challanged darko and all of spiderman house to a game of Broomballs. Broomballs was famous sport in magic camp, and the rules were simple too. in the game, there are two teems that fight for balls and one magic person from teem 1 or teem 2 can fight for ball and fly on broom to fight balls and there are for diferint ball that magic. one ball magic in the hoops. another ball magic to throw at other magics. the last ball was for one magic to catch to win broomballs. only one magic could catch ball and that magic was HARRY POTTER.

it was house spiderman aginst house giffendor. it was a joke in magic camp because everyone know that spiderman cant fly because he is snake and giffens can fly because they are bird.

"LET THE GAME START BEIGNS! shouted profeser dumbadar as he throw balls in air. the air was fill with balls. so many ball

I WILL FIGHT YOU" shouted malfoi as he shot spell at Harry Potter.

"no" said harry as he powered up for his final attack

"Oh m gosh!" shouted "he is going to use that spell!"

it was most powerful spell in world "Not if I can help!" shouted evil dark lod voldmart

voldmart and Harry Potter fight in broomball. voldmart was strong as he magic ball in harry's broom. "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" evil voldmart laughs "you will be die!"

but harry had a trick up his sleev. "Not today voldmart harry potter shout as he caught magic ball to win the game. the magic ball was secret item that gives magic power to person who catch. "Now i am most power" Harry Potter shouted.

"You are a beautiful animal" shouted ron wesse to encorage his friend

the power of friends gave harry potter even more power as he shot magic in voldmarts face. "Nooooooo" voldmart shouted

everynoe cheered as harry potter celebrated. "I wins broomballs!" and everyone laughed.

'better luck next year' harry potter try to shake malfoi hand. but malfoi said "no, i do not shake hand!"

"whi not?" ask harry

"ok, you are right friendshp is important lesson i learn today!" said malfoi

and they were all friends and spent magic camp together playing with magic balls

THE END

[stevezilla]

Um...

[Housemaster]

I see my literary skills rendered you speechless C:

[Wattz]

I do find your other stories to be quite hysterical, but I just want to focus in on the poem you wrote, because I think it's really lovely.

Like, really lovely. It holds a strong message, but it's subtle, so I don't feel like I'm being yelled at in poetry form XD. I mean, poems can get awful preachy. I think the repetition is appropriate, because it hones in to those "damaged goods", because that seems to be the necessary focus of the poem overall. The rhyming is well done, and the poem flows nicely, making it a pleasant read.

In particular, this part is my favorite, because it presents such strong imagery with so few words. It feels empty, as if the fact that the "damaged goods" aren't being read has restricted the creator to a desk job that doesn't fit the creator's passion. It may be a desk, but it is not the desk of a writer:


The damaged goods are on your desk
The damaged goods are on my desk
The suits comes in, they bring the masks
They work your desk until it's clean
They leave the room, and safely lock the doors
You're sitting at a desk but it's not yours


One thing I will say is that another stanza after the first one might make the pattern of the poem more consistent, so it goes like this:

[First stanza has repetition]
[Second stanza has no repetition]
[Third stanza has repetition]
[Fourth stanza has no repetition]
[Fifth stanza has repetition]
[Sixth stanza has no repetition]

All in all, a bang-up job *yuppers*. It's a pleasure reading your work.

(Also, I laughed so hard at the first story it hurt my stomach XDDDD)

[Housemaster]

Thank you kindly! I'm glad you enjoyed my work, it's always encouraging when someone does.

Ps, I got the flow from melody of a song that was in my head, but for the life of me I could not remember which song it was

[~N~]

Housemaster, I salute your muse.

[Housemaster]

N, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

[stevezilla]

More stories? Please?

[Kris]

I don't have enough Rep to give you yet ._.

[stevezilla]

I've never been so afraid of Thomas the tank engine before, but why is he called Thomas the tank engine?

[Housemaster]

Someone asked if I could write a cutesy romantic story... so here's my attempt.


***


Internet Cafe

Sitting alone once again in the cafe between my classes became a daily ritual for me. The internet was slow as always between classes, so reading books or revisiting class-notes became my idea of "fun" in my uneventful college life. In my first year I had hoped college life would be more eventful then this, going to parties with friends and hopefully meet a nice girl to spend my free time with. This however was more or less the opposite of the truth. My friends and I were all busy with school work and I rarely had the energy to go to any parties in my free time. I wasn't too good with the ladies as well, in fact I tend to be fairly awkward when I talk to them. I was now in my third year of college and there were no signs of any improvements in the near future.

This however was all going to change when she walked in the cafe.

I've been struck by pretty girls before, but this seemed different. She was no supermodel, she was simply pretty. Awkwardly I sat in the corner and tried to sneak in a glance without looking like an obnoxious creep. She bought her sandwich and bottled water and sat, in the opposite corner of the cafe.

Who was she?

This continued for a week, me reading with my fruit salad and her coming in after to buy her lunch and eat in her usual spot. I wanted to summon the courage to go and talk to her, but every scenario I drew in my head ended in complete and utter disaster.

Day after day this continued... what was wrong with me?

Continuing my daily ritual, I noticed that one day she seemed in a rush. She was in quite a rush in fact, that she dropped her student ID card on her way out the door. No one else saw it, and it sat there for five minutes as I dared not touch it. Finally, when I was finished my food, I packed my laptop and left for the door... but not before picking up her student ID.

Her name was Michelle, she was in first year.

Like a stalker I searched her name on Facebook and found her profile. I didn't send a friend request, that'd just be weird. I found out that she liked videogames which seemed too good to be true. Browsing her profile I kept finding similarities from which shows we watch to the music we listen to. I had to talk to her now, I'd be stupid not to.

The next day I sat in my usual spot when she came in. After she bought her sandwich and bottle of water she sat in her usual spot as I kept going through and though in my head all the possible different conversations to have. 'You're over thinking this' I told myself, summoning up the courage to talk to her once and for all. With everything packed in my backpack, I walked up to her and began to talk.

"Uh..." I started, completely mute.

She glanced at me and gave me a confused look, "Um, can I help you?" she asked

Drawing blanks, I strained as I finally spoke, "Y-you dropped this yesterday!"

"Ohmygosh! I was looking for this!" she responded energetically, "They're stupidly expensive to replace, and I can't borrow any books from the library without it... thanks for finding it!"

I smiled nervously, happy and terrified to see her excited, "Uh... you're welcome." I replied, not knowing how to continue the conversation any longer.

Pausing for a few seconds, things began to get awkward. Had it gone any longer I would have simply turned and left the cafe. Thankfully she broke the silence and asked, "Do you want to sit?"

Sitting down a bit too quickly, we exchanged names.

"So, what are you taking?" she asked.

"Bio-chemistry, how about yourself?"

"Environmental studies, something I enjoyed since I was little."

I was beginning to feel more at ease talking to her, so I tried to start conversation topic.

"What are you eating?" Ugh... stupid stupid!

She glanced at her sandwich, "This? A salmon sandwich and a blueberry tart."

"They serve salmon here?" why I said this I'm not sure.

"It's supposed to be healthy for you, and I like the taste."

"Yeah, I like food too." yet another stupid response.

I'm not sure how, but we started to talk about videogames. She was pretty excited I knew about her favourite games and I felt more comfortable talking to her as time progressed. When talking about a particular game, I asked if she saw the new trailer. When she said 'no', I opened my bag to load it on my laptop. Unfortunately, when I opened my laptop, her Facebook page was still up.

I fumbled to close the window, but it was too late.

"Why was my Facebook page on your computer?"

I went completely silent. I felt like screaming and punching myself in the face, how could I be so stupid?

"I...uh..."

Unable to say anything else, I closed my laptop and decided to leave.

"Perhaps you should bear in mind what you reveal on your computer..." she said as I began to walk away.

I couldn't let this end, not now. I had to apologize to her, I had to...

As I manned up and turned to apologized, I suddenly began to realize something big...

She ate salmon... drank nothing but water... enjoys wildlife... "bear in mind"?

I eat almost nothing but fruit salad...

Michelle wasn't a student at university. She was, in fact, a 1500 pound grizzly bear, and I was a Mountain Gorilla.

She launched in a full frontal attack as she slammed the cafe table aside. I tried to throw her aside, but she violently tackled me into the sandwich counter and shattered the entire food display. As terrified students frantically scurried out of door and windows, the massive grizzly began to claw at my face as I tried to push her off. Summoning enough strength, I kicked her upwards through the cafe window.

Grunting and quickly recovering, I leapt out the window to continue the battle. The bear took another swing as I rolled to safety, taunting the bear by pounding my chest in dominance. As the bear charged, I met the force head on with a powerful tackle. Students were frantically screaming as we fought for supremacy, returning her charge with a strong punch in the jaw. Roaring with disapproval, the goddamn bear shook off the attack and charged again. Bleeding from my face from her claws earlier, I roared and charged as well.

"GURRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" I yelled as we clashed, the impact throwing us off balance and tumbling.... right off a GODDAMN WATERFALL!

While we fell, she clawed my face as I punched her ribs. With one last chance, I drove my fangs deep into her neck and heard a loud *crunch*. This was the last thing I heard before hitting the water full force.

The water stung and knocked the air out of me as I floated dazed and confused in the river. It took me a few seconds to regain my composure and swim to shore. Gasping as I reached out for a loose tree vine, my hand took hold of a loose root to keep the current from pulling me further.

Pulling myself from the river, I saw no signs of my opponent surviving the fall...

I was victorious as I proved my superior skill as leader. I found myself a pack of Gorillas and got me some Gorilla poon.

Before I was a sad depressed third year college student... now I'm the King of the goddamn Jungle.

[Housemaster]

Digging through haunted ancient .doc files of yore... I found an old poem I wrote for my grade 8 english class.

Considering the season, I think it's rather fitting!

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Yesterday were many, today now few, tomorrow soon be none
Of chilly frost november mornings, warm clothing to lack of sun
Trumpets play as reefs are lay- pictures say of yesterday
Why then with so little sun, we listen to stories long since begun?

Yesterday fought though brick and earth
against barbed snakes and deafening gun
against iced seas far from berth
and clouds filled with country's son

Today fares yesterday with flowers of red
remembering conflicts won and unwon
remembering names to fill our head
Wishing tomorrow holds conflict undone

Tomorrow fears and hopes at once
predicts unseen fear spinned and spun
predicts growth from conjured bunce
and yesterday's many becoming none

Yesterday were many, today now few, tomorrow soon be none
Of chilly frost november mornings, warm clothing to lack of sun
Trumpets play as reefs are lay- pictures say of yesterday
Why then with so little sun, we listen to stories long since begun?

[Kris]

I'm so going to get updated with the last few you posted XD

[Housemaster]

WHY U NO POST THOUGHTS!?!?

[Kris]

"Yeah, I like food too"= best line ever.

Totally epic.

FB lurkers for the win!

[Playpink]

Oh my god, this is hilarious. I loved that last one especially. Also, I second that, Kris. ^^