A Poem or Two...

[Kira]

I love to write poetry, so I just thought I would share a few of my poems and see what you guys think. ^^;;

Poem #1

Like a meteor ripping through the night sky,
Consumed by a burning desire,
Old ways, wants, and dreams die
Carving the pathway-thin like a wire.
And while walking on Saturn’s icy rings
I’m unkindly reminded of love
And the galactic phenomena it brings.
And as I stand in awe of the above,
I’m reminded of the fear it may strike
Into the hearts that are quietly hidden
Along with those they find alike.

Poem #2

In ballrooms and parties where men and women do meet,
There lies a danger overlooked and extremely discreet.
He prances and dances with lovers abound.
Around his finger the clueless guests are wound.
Dreaming of love and romance galore,
To busy to notice their partner’s a bore.
And as these hopefuls gaily dance about,
The seeds of this being are beginning to sprout.
Rushing too quickly to find the one,
So they settle for this instead of none.
And the gentleman, seeing his work through,
Removed his mask and bid them adieu
For he had enough fun for the day
So Chaos ended his Cupid role-play.

I thought the second would be fun for the site since it's about roleplays. ^^;;

[SikstaSlathalin]

I like the second one a lot but they're both good lass.

[Kira]

Thanks Siks. ^^;;

[Muse]

I think you have talent there, although I must say that I find the first the better of the two. I'd like to see more. As far as constructive criticism goes, I can give two bits of advice:

First off, I'd consider titling your poems. If they're not your thing, that's fine though. Shakespeare never titled his hundred plus sonnets, and Emily Dickinson didn't title either. They're are very easy ways to create titles though. Ninety percent of the time, the last two words of the poem make a great title. Works well with your second piece, not so much with the first one. Try that on some other work of yours, or even famous poems just to see the effect.

Secondly, if you haven't already, I'd try experimenting with breaking your poems up into stanzas. Some poets don't like to do this, and that's fine, but I think that your rhyme schemes could lend themselves to it.

I'd love some feedback on my page from a fellow writer as well :)

[Kira]

^^;; I don't normally care to title my poems because I never can seem to think of a good title. I also have a few poems that I break into stanzas, it really just depends on my mood. I have a few villanelles and more traditional poems as well as more experimental stuff. Thanks for the advice though.

Here's one of my villanelles.

The fires of words are still churning.
Horrid thoughts they do convey
As I continue learning.

Hot flames lick my skin, burning.
As I fall victim to a sinister word play,
The fires of words are still churning.

My own mind is desperately yearning
To know what makes me their prey
As I continue learning.

Just when I think the tables are turning,
I hear a spiteful voice say
“The fires of words are still churning.”

My own language this matter is concerning
Its backbone has begun to decay
As I continue learning.

I can see that some good is returning.
And though my language may be clear today,
The fires of words are still churning
As I continue learning.

[Bravado]

Oh LAWDY LAWDY. It feels as though I just consumed a hearty stew.

Poetry should mean rhyming. Much more effort is put forth, and what is all the more impressive about your piece is that, not only did it rhyme, but it made sense. I understood it. Ohgodohgodohgod.

-looks around with arms outstretched and a 'don't you see?' look-

Another rhymer!

[Kira]

^^;; Thanks. I'm glad you like it.

I normally rhyme in my poetry, but I don't think poetry necessarily requires rhyme, though. ^^;;;