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randress07
02-28-2014, 04:54 PM
Name: Geron
race: Human
age: 24

Physical and Mental Description:

5feet 5 inchs 145lbs tone body build. Dark eyes dark hair.

He is a very emotional person. Very low tolerance for stupid people. Gets into alot of fights but normally wins due to his back-round in martial arts and his weapon training. He may come off rough he is actually a very kind man and if he trusts you he will do anything for you. There is also a scar on his right arm where he had been cut.

Background story


Geron lived a normal life as one would say. Better then most considering his parents were wealthy and that allowed him to become educated. He left his home about the age of 24 to start a shop as is the family's tradition. His father gave him enough money to live comfortable and keep his store open.

He sold everything he could get his hands on food weapons armor even some shady objects . After a few years his store started doing great, but he still had to worry about the bandit group that demanded money from all the stores in his town as a "protection fee". He refused to pay the money which started a war between him and the bandits.

After a couple months of refusing to pay the bandit leader decided that they would just kill him. They attempted to kill him but failed, he faked his death by burning his store to the ground. He went back to his father for money to rebuild his store in a new town but his father told him no and disowned him for being a coward. This made Geron really anger so he decided he would get revenge on both his father and the bandit leader.

He changed his appearance and tried to get into the bandit group that had attacked him. After about a month of hazing they finally let him in. He was new so they didnt trust him but he need them too so he could get close to the leader. So he planned out an attack on his dads estate giving the bandits layouts guard shifts everything one would need to steal from such a large job. His boss liked the plan brought it up to the bandit lord. This impressed him greatly and he wanted to meet the new recruit so they went over the plan.

Geron couldn't believe this was happening he would have revenge on both people who had wrong him so. A week went by and the night came of the attack. They stuck onto the estate through the woods on the back side of the property and "got rid of" the guards making their way to the vault where his dad kept all of their valued things. As he was breaking into the vault he heard his mother screaming.

He quickly ran from the vault to where he saw his mother being raped and his father's dead body next her. He didnt want it to happen like this, there were only 2 men in the room so he quickly killed them. After he had killed them he realised his mother was stabbed right before she had began to be raped. A single tear dropped from his eyes. He went back to the vault and saw that they had broken in to it finally.

One of the bandits heard the commotion from the room he was in and noticed he was covered in blood and began asking where the other guys were. Geron looked at him and said "They are dead" and proceed to murder the 3 men in the vault. He managed to get cut on his right arm in the fray, but nothing deadly.

He quickly changed his clothes and wrapping his wound. Then he gathered as much money and food as he find, and started lighting fire to the house. He went out to the barn grabbed one of the horses and rode of into to the night. Forever trying to forget what he had just done to his famiily.

StormWolf
03-01-2014, 11:51 AM
First things first, welcome to RPA. I see that you are new here. Now that we have that out of the way, I believe you have this posted in the wrong spot. There are other spots in the Forum for character feedback, even a blog in which you can post your thoughts for feedback. But, since you asked and you have it up, here are some thoughts.

-I applaud you for not making him an orphan right off the bat.
-Spell check and double check your punctuation
-A background in martial arts was mentioned, but never made evident in the actual background segment.
-Dead parents are commonly overdone, in general. It would have been more damaging to have one of them live and know that it was their own son who let those men into their home. Rather than being a nasty old emotional wound, it would be a constantly exposed nerve.
-The reaction to the rape of his mother and the murder of his father is completely unbelievable given his young age and how little messed up stuff he has experienced. Shedding one solitary tear at such horror breaks your characters personality as "a very emotional person". That is borderline cold, robotic, and downright sociopathic.
-He killed 5 men and suffered only a minor cut on his arm, which does not happen unless he has been trained to kill people since he was 7 years old. If anything, he would get wounded more than he normally would because he should be thinking irrationally due to his family just getting raped and murdered in front of his very eyes! It would be more compelling if the bandit lord or even the rapist survived and grievously wounded Geron, giving him an ongoing drive and call to adventure rather than essentially sitting around and feeling sorry for himself.

He comes across as very Gary-Sue to me. I know this is never something you want to hear as a role-player and an aspiring writer, but there it is. If you want to cross reference your character to get a good idea, I suggest running your character's aspects through this:
http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm

It is a Mary Sue test, and the only way it really works is if you are completely honest. Expect a high Mary Sue score in the beginning. Everyone gets one. Eventually, you won't need it anymore.

As for this character, I would suggest revisiting on several points to make him more cohesive and wholesome. Sorry if I am coming across as a prick, but I am just being professional and am genuinely trying to help you improve as a writer.

Froggy
03-01-2014, 05:56 PM
I am moving this to the character forum in the creative writing area.

Blazing Falcons
03-02-2014, 02:06 AM
First things first, welcome to RPA. I see that you are new here. Now that we have that out of the way, I believe you have this posted in the wrong spot. There are other spots in the Forum for character feedback, even a blog in which you can post your thoughts for feedback. But, since you asked and you have it up, here are some thoughts.

-I applaud you for not making him an orphan right off the bat.
-Spell check and double check your punctuation
-A background in martial arts was mentioned, but never made evident in the actual background segment.
-Dead parents are commonly overdone, in general. It would have been more damaging to have one of them live and know that it was their own son who let those men into their home. Rather than being a nasty old emotional wound, it would be a constantly exposed nerve.
-The reaction to the rape of his mother and the murder of his father is completely unbelievable given his young age and how little messed up stuff he has experienced. Shedding one solitary tear at such horror breaks your characters personality as "a very emotional person". That is borderline cold, robotic, and downright sociopathic.
-He killed 5 men and suffered only a minor cut on his arm, which does not happen unless he has been trained to kill people since he was 7 years old. If anything, he would get wounded more than he normally would because he should be thinking irrationally due to his family just getting raped and murdered in front of his very eyes! It would be more compelling if the bandit lord or even the rapist survived and grievously wounded Geron, giving him an ongoing drive and call to adventure rather than essentially sitting around and feeling sorry for himself.

He comes across as very Gary-Sue to me. I know this is never something you want to hear as a role-player and an aspiring writer, but there it is. If you want to cross reference your character to get a good idea, I suggest running your character's aspects through this:
http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm

It is a Mary Sue test, and the only way it really works is if you are completely honest. Expect a high Mary Sue score in the beginning. Everyone gets one. Eventually, you won't need it anymore.

As for this character, I would suggest revisiting on several points to make him more cohesive and wholesome. Sorry if I am coming across as a prick, but I am just being professional and am genuinely trying to help you improve as a writer.

Wow... I don't know if I'd love to have you proofread something I write or be terrified. From what I just read and from my past few proofreaders being kind of soft you seem to me like you have an "acid pen."

StormWolf
03-04-2014, 03:09 AM
Being a soft proofreader does no one any favors.