lost//

[prudence]

I stood quietly, as the place where I grew up became a darkened area in my life. I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to be doing here, but I decided that I was going to make the best of it. It wasn't easy coming back to the little house and seeing my mother in a rocking chair with her hair pulled up so loosely. The bun was falling out around her shoulders and to me it said she no longer cared.

Father has been dead now, leaving behind a torn family that was trying to get by with what they had. I wished that my life would have been easier along the years of growing up, but you know what they say... 'What doesn't hurt you, only makes you stronger.' Boy were they right about that one. It was hard for everyone, when father died and left us. It was sudden. There wasn't anything that the doctors could do. I could remember my mother screaming his name down the hallway of the hospital. What a horrid picture that was.


'Gerald! Come back! Come Back!' That was all I could hear, over all the beeping noises from different departments and intercoms. When the doctor had told us, of fathers condition; in when he had a heart attack in the middle of the night, I knew that this was going to be the end of this family, and that I had to be strong. I couldn't be that little girl that would crawl up into his lap, and him tell me that everything was going to be alright. I had to let my mother crawl into my lap, and tell her the same thing that he had told me.

This made things difficult now, where mother was sitting by herself with a nanny that was looking after her, while I worked in New York City, trying to have a life of my own. It didn't mean that I wouldn't come and visit her it just meant that I had to spare my time for her, and for myself. When I finally saw her, she said--

"Gracie, make sure you find someone that you're going to grow old with, and love completely."

"Mama..."

I stuttered slightly.

"No Gracie. Find someone that will love you eternally, and never leave you."


I let out a small sigh, and finally nodded my head. I never knew that mama was so hurt by father's passing. Of course, I never realized it either. Or took the time.

[prudence]

I gazed out of my window while my eyes wandered around the familiar area that I called home. I thought of mama in that rocking chair, and how she had said to me, "Gracie, make sure you find someone that you're going to grow old with, and love completely." She was right. I did need someone that I needed to love-- but that wasn't just the case. I needed someone to love me. Someone who loved me for who I was, and not what I had, or what I was giving. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve just like every other normal girl did. I was hurt and abused, and I never gave two thoughts about changing what was wrong-- in why things never worked out between me and my partner. I just wanted him to love me, that was all. Instead, the bruises and the scars left a treacherous mark on me.


I couldn't trust anyone... not anymore at least.


That's when I found him. He was so perfect. His bright blue eyes were oval shaped and his hair sort of hung past his eyes but, it was slicked slightly back enough so you could see them. Beautiful as they were. The small curls dangled on the side of his face like they were supposed to be there. Our legs were intertwined with each others as we both laid side by side. The apartment had a musty smell to it, but you couldn't really smell it with the candles that we had going. The vanilla smell was enough to make you want to relax even more than what you already were.

I stared up at the ceiling as we both laid there, and thought about the past and mama, how she'd always hoped that I would find someone that I could love, or that could love me. A few have had hard times trying to figure out why I was so confided to myself and never really let them in, or close to me. If only they had taken the chance to get to know me, before making any rational decisions. I knew that I had fallen in love with the man that was laying beside me, but what I needed to know -- is that if he loved me back just as much.



"Gracie."

I turned my head slightly and looked over at him. His eyes were turned towards my face, and I smiled lightly.


"Gracie. You're amazing. You know that?"

I stopped and stared at him momentarily before I said anything.


"Oh stop it. You don't mean that."

"I do Gracie. You mean the world to me. I want to make you my wife, one day."


I let out a soft breath of air, and continued to stare at him in a most unusual stare. One that would almost make you think that I didn't believe what he was saying.

"Brendan... don't say something that you don't mean."

"I mean it Gracie, I want you completely to myself."

[prudence]

The words ran right through my mind, when he said; "I mean it Gracie, I want you completely to myself." Did this mean that if he couldn't have me, no one could? I shook my head lightly and looked towards him.

"Brendan."

"No, Gracie. You are what I --"

"Brendan stop it." I cut him off.


"I am not what you want. I'm just a girl that you think you're in love with."

For a moment, I had sworn the room had gotten cold right then. What felt like shivers ran up through my spin, and I sort of jolted a bit when I felt them. It really did feel like someone was walking over a dug up grave for me.


"Gracie, how do I have to prove it to you that I want you. I want everything that has to do with you, with me in it."

I stood there frozen for a moment not knowing what to say. How could this one person be so much in love with a girl who's completely messed up in the head. What was he thinking. He must've gone crazy, the day before and never realized what he was getting himself into. I was now just holding myself up by the arm of the couch and stared into the boys eyes, watching his every move. Almost hawk like. He was definitely going crazy. I mean, what was he thinking-- falling in love with someone like me.

I shook my head slightly as he started to speak again.


"Gracie, I want to marry you. Will you please... will you please marry me?"


What that, I watched him pull out a small velvet box that I knew for sure was a right of some sort. One that I never got a chance to pick out. I mean, he couldn't even really know my ring size unless he dragged one from my jewelery box and took it with him, to get the right size.



"Brendan..."

"Gracie, please, just say yes. Tell me that you love me."

I couldn't believe it. I was stuck. I didn't know what to say to him. I looked around like I needed an escape. An escape from this madness of a boy that was trying to get me to marry him. I continued to look for an easy way out, and when I realized that there wasn't any; I stared at the boy again and sighed whispering.


"I can't."

"I can't marry you."

Just then, you could probably hear every needle drop-- every faucet turned on or off in the entire building. Dead silence. One that was an uncomfortable silence.

[prudence]

Chapter 2:


A silence that was uncomfortable, overcame the two of them as Gracie started to turn around and head towards the door. She didn't want to be around him anymore, and she didn't want to be in this place anymore that he had called home. While she was turning, a cold hand grasped her wrist tightly, and she turned her head to look back at him one more time.

"Gracie..."

His voice soft and patient with her. Knowing that anything could throw her off and she would go into a rage.

"Gracie, why are you doing this to me? Don't you love me?"

At that point in time, Graice had to choose her words wisely. She wasn't exactly sure what she was about to say, but she needed to come up with something quick; and reassuring that everything was going to be alright in the end-- and that Brendan would find someone better suitable for him. Of course, at the time when they first started dating, she thought she was the best for him. But certain things that Brendan did; quickly changed her mind.



"Brendan."


Her voice calm and shaky now, and not quite sure if she knew if she was doing the right thing.

"Brendan... I'm not the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I'm not good for you. You can do so much better than me, and I know that with your career, you don't want anyone to hold you back; and I'm afraid that I might do that. Please, just please find someone else to satisfy you; and to help you with whatever it is you're planning to do with your life."

Those words weren't exactly what she wanted to come out of her mouth, but there was nothing she could do about it now. The look in his eyes almost devastated her, and she knew that this was it. This was the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt him-- but it's been done. Gracie sighed heavily as she removed her wrist from his hand and then looked at him one last time.

"There's better people out there than me. You don't need me tagging along with you."