KittyKatAlly
07-12-2014, 11:42 AM
Hello all. This is one of my first real tests of my writing ability. I am interested in CONSTRUCTIVE feed back on not only the quality of the writing but also paragraph construction and the flow of the story.
So please enjoy :)
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The sound of the waves crashing against the dark rigged cliffs was deafening, the wind could almost lift you off your feet as if you where nothing but a leaf. lighting flashed bright and dazzling and thunder rolled louder still then the waves of an angry ocean. Five black hooded figures made their way across the muddy winding cliff tracks. Their capes billowing roughly, wildly around them. The only light to see by, a single small lantern held by the front figure. Taller then the rest he was clearly the leader. Walking tall and proud like a predator on the hunt. The figures behind all walked single file neatly from tallest to smallest, obediently following to wherever it was they were being lead.
As the group rounded the last corner of the treacherous long track, a large foreboding manor suddenly appeared. The menacing structure to any un-trained eye would look abandoned and left to be reclaimed by the natural world around it. Though that was not the case. A soft light from the manors highest room showed that someone or something still dwelled within. The tallest hooded figure walked the few steps up the front porch and knocked thrice on the door with a heavy ornamented handle, each knock sending a loud rumble through the manor. Not a moment later the door slowly opened letting the small band of figures inside. No one could be seen as they entered, almost like the door had opened itself. The entry way was large a grand staircase at its back. A large round table was all that decorated the room a lone candle stick at its center.
The hooded figures surrounded the table, the smallest of the group lifting a basket and placing it in the center next to the candle. As the smallest placed the basket into the middle, something stirred with its confines. A small whimper, a small cry. The hooded figures stood back from the table and bowed deeply, dropping to one knee and lowering their heads. After a moment they arose and headed for the door. Once outside the hooded figures turned and watched as the door close behind them with no sound. Looking up at the highest room the hood figures could no longer see the soft glow emitting from the room. Nodding once the tallest then started to lead the small band away, back into the darkness, down a small muddy cliff track.
Crying. The sound of a small child in despair filled the darkened manor. The candle, the only light source flickered out leaving the room darker then would have been thought possible. A glow appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Slowly, as if moving though water, it approached the table. As the glow neared the edge it started to shift. Growing, stretching, taking the form of an elderly woman bathed in a white glow, a gown of flowers and hair of grass, skin of bark and eyes of nothing. The woman curled her finger at the basket, summoning it to her. The basket shook for a moment before the wicker moved re-shaping itself to form legs. The elderly woman smiled as the basket crawled towards her. Reaching its destination the basket sat itself down, the wicker placing itself back into its rightful place.
The sound of crying did not falter as the basket settled. The elderly woman looked down at the infant and smiled. Reaching out a long delicate finger, the woman stroked the infants cheek lightly, barely brushing its skin. Instantly the infant settled. As if the woman's touch had soothed all its troubles. Looking over the now settled child the woman could see that it was but a little girl. Skin like the colour of honey and hair as dark and thick as chocolate. The women smiled all the more as she continued to look at the infant. Then nodding once she again beckoned the basket to follow her as she made her way back to the stairs. The child didn't not stir as the wicker formed its legs once again followed the woman to wherever she may go.
The manor moaned and sighed as the elderly woman lead the basket down a dark hallway. The only light to see by came from the woman herself. At the end of a hall stood a large heavily decorated door. Opening the room the woman looked around. It was empty, like so many of the rooms in the manor. The woman shook her head, and clicked her fingers twice. Immediately the room was filled with everything a child could ask for. Nodding, pleased with herself the woman lead the basket over a small cot in the center of the room. Bending to pick the child up the woman placed her on the plush mattress and covered her with a thin silken blanket embroidered with a garden of flowers. "Sleep well my child." whispered the woman, her voice as soft as a summer breeze through the willows, "You will be safe here, that I promise you."
The woman then faded back into the small soft white glow, coming to rest on top of the mobile hanging over the child as she slept. Keeping watch as the storm raged on into the night.
So please enjoy :)
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The sound of the waves crashing against the dark rigged cliffs was deafening, the wind could almost lift you off your feet as if you where nothing but a leaf. lighting flashed bright and dazzling and thunder rolled louder still then the waves of an angry ocean. Five black hooded figures made their way across the muddy winding cliff tracks. Their capes billowing roughly, wildly around them. The only light to see by, a single small lantern held by the front figure. Taller then the rest he was clearly the leader. Walking tall and proud like a predator on the hunt. The figures behind all walked single file neatly from tallest to smallest, obediently following to wherever it was they were being lead.
As the group rounded the last corner of the treacherous long track, a large foreboding manor suddenly appeared. The menacing structure to any un-trained eye would look abandoned and left to be reclaimed by the natural world around it. Though that was not the case. A soft light from the manors highest room showed that someone or something still dwelled within. The tallest hooded figure walked the few steps up the front porch and knocked thrice on the door with a heavy ornamented handle, each knock sending a loud rumble through the manor. Not a moment later the door slowly opened letting the small band of figures inside. No one could be seen as they entered, almost like the door had opened itself. The entry way was large a grand staircase at its back. A large round table was all that decorated the room a lone candle stick at its center.
The hooded figures surrounded the table, the smallest of the group lifting a basket and placing it in the center next to the candle. As the smallest placed the basket into the middle, something stirred with its confines. A small whimper, a small cry. The hooded figures stood back from the table and bowed deeply, dropping to one knee and lowering their heads. After a moment they arose and headed for the door. Once outside the hooded figures turned and watched as the door close behind them with no sound. Looking up at the highest room the hood figures could no longer see the soft glow emitting from the room. Nodding once the tallest then started to lead the small band away, back into the darkness, down a small muddy cliff track.
Crying. The sound of a small child in despair filled the darkened manor. The candle, the only light source flickered out leaving the room darker then would have been thought possible. A glow appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Slowly, as if moving though water, it approached the table. As the glow neared the edge it started to shift. Growing, stretching, taking the form of an elderly woman bathed in a white glow, a gown of flowers and hair of grass, skin of bark and eyes of nothing. The woman curled her finger at the basket, summoning it to her. The basket shook for a moment before the wicker moved re-shaping itself to form legs. The elderly woman smiled as the basket crawled towards her. Reaching its destination the basket sat itself down, the wicker placing itself back into its rightful place.
The sound of crying did not falter as the basket settled. The elderly woman looked down at the infant and smiled. Reaching out a long delicate finger, the woman stroked the infants cheek lightly, barely brushing its skin. Instantly the infant settled. As if the woman's touch had soothed all its troubles. Looking over the now settled child the woman could see that it was but a little girl. Skin like the colour of honey and hair as dark and thick as chocolate. The women smiled all the more as she continued to look at the infant. Then nodding once she again beckoned the basket to follow her as she made her way back to the stairs. The child didn't not stir as the wicker formed its legs once again followed the woman to wherever she may go.
The manor moaned and sighed as the elderly woman lead the basket down a dark hallway. The only light to see by came from the woman herself. At the end of a hall stood a large heavily decorated door. Opening the room the woman looked around. It was empty, like so many of the rooms in the manor. The woman shook her head, and clicked her fingers twice. Immediately the room was filled with everything a child could ask for. Nodding, pleased with herself the woman lead the basket over a small cot in the center of the room. Bending to pick the child up the woman placed her on the plush mattress and covered her with a thin silken blanket embroidered with a garden of flowers. "Sleep well my child." whispered the woman, her voice as soft as a summer breeze through the willows, "You will be safe here, that I promise you."
The woman then faded back into the small soft white glow, coming to rest on top of the mobile hanging over the child as she slept. Keeping watch as the storm raged on into the night.