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Miss Devil
11-19-2015, 04:17 PM
I hope you guys are ready for the bad jokes and puns thread.


What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.

Blazing Falcons
11-19-2015, 04:27 PM
If only I wasn't so lazy. I'd go back through my skype chats and show y'all how bad jokes are done.

Sy23
11-19-2015, 04:36 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

Yes, but what do you all a deer with no eyes AND no legs?

Still no eye deer.

Fine, but what do you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs, who is having sex?

Still no f*cking eye deer!!!

Miss Devil
11-19-2015, 05:44 PM
Hahaha. This is so bad. xD

Naraness
11-19-2015, 06:52 PM
What happens when a cow jumps over a fence?
Udder destruction. (evil)

What do we want?!?
Low flying airplane noises!!
When do we want them?

NYYYYYEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Miss Devil
11-19-2015, 06:53 PM
Nara you just killed me. I am dead from these jokes.

Naraness
11-19-2015, 07:06 PM
I love that airplane one. XD I seriously die before I can finish it every time I try to say it.


What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

Miss Devil
11-19-2015, 07:08 PM
Hahaha. I love this thread. I can't stop laughing! I will have to post more bad jokes xD

Splat
11-19-2015, 08:58 PM
Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says, "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says, "I'll have H20 too."

The second chemist dies.


I'm sorry for the chemistry jokes... I can't stop myself.

Miss Devil
11-19-2015, 09:01 PM
Wow. That was so sad.

Why did the banana go see the DR?
Because he was peeling bad.

Splat
11-19-2015, 09:39 PM
*chemistry intensifies*

A Higgs-Boson particle walks into church. The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs-Bosons here." The Higgs-Boson replies, "But without me, how could you have mass?"


Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases here". Helium doesn't react.


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much the drinks are. The bartender says, "No charge."

Miss Devil
11-19-2015, 10:57 PM
Dead

Splat
11-20-2015, 02:03 AM
Have you ever heard of the band 1023 Megabytes? No? Of course not, they haven't had any gigs.

*badum-tisssss*

Liono
11-20-2015, 02:36 AM
http://imgfave-chat-herokuapp-com.global.ssl.fastly.net/image_cache/1423483611837604.jpg

Miss Devil
11-20-2015, 02:40 AM
LMAO XD

Liono
11-20-2015, 02:59 AM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CAUCuAKXEAA848Z.jpg

Loco Mofo
11-20-2015, 03:23 AM
Did you hear aboutthat fire at the circus?!



It was in tents!!!

DistortedReality
11-20-2015, 03:46 AM
Hey did you guys watch the movie San Andreas?

I heard it had it's faults

Liono
11-20-2015, 04:14 AM
http://littlefun.org/uploads/522e7517e691b221417d6b6d_736.jpg

Naraness
11-20-2015, 05:03 AM
http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-06/17/6/enhanced/webdr04/enhanced-buzz-17976-1403000555-4.jpg

Splat
11-20-2015, 11:16 AM
I only make bad chemisty jokes because all the good ones argon.

Sy23
11-20-2015, 11:31 AM
A pair of jumper leads walks into a bar. And the barman says "OK, you can have a drink. But don't start anything!"

Griff
11-20-2015, 01:41 PM
Why did Suzie fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Suzie.

Duke
11-20-2015, 02:58 PM
A man brings a giraffe into the bar and feeds it alcohol until it falls to the ground and passes out. The man gets up to leave when the bartender shouts "You can't leave that lyin' here!"

The man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."


-----

I had a parrot, and the parrot talked, but it never said "I'm hungry" so it died.

Sy23
11-20-2015, 04:01 PM
How do you start a pudding race?


Just say go.

Miss Devil
11-20-2015, 04:07 PM
Wow xD

Splat
11-20-2015, 04:51 PM
How do you make a plumber cry?

You kill his family.


How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.


What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Liono
11-20-2015, 11:51 PM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CAhqOzLUgAACrsP.jpg

Miss Devil
11-21-2015, 03:27 AM
What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, and over your neighbor's dog? Whats great for a snack, and fits on your back? It's log, log, log!

Splat
11-21-2015, 03:43 AM
I would make a Lord of the Rings pun, but all the good ones Aragorn...

Miss Devil
11-21-2015, 03:50 AM
Why did the blind man turn down the Hispanic employee's offer to help?
His name was Juan C. but the blind man wanted Tieu C.

Miss Devil
11-21-2015, 03:55 AM
What do you call a piano that falls down a mine shaft

A flat minor

Liono
11-21-2015, 04:07 AM
6669

Crazywolf
11-21-2015, 11:29 AM
One day a chicken walked along holding a book until eventually he met a frog. The chicken held out the book in front of him and said "book book book book" and then the frog replied "redit redit".

Miss Devil
11-21-2015, 11:54 AM
Two structures which hold water? - Well, dam.

Liono
11-22-2015, 12:22 AM
What do you get when you mix a horse and a dummy?
A maneuquine.

Gamer_KM
11-22-2015, 12:42 AM
*Playing any major shooter*
*In lobby on chat, right before mach starts*

May your 360s be unimpeded by scoops, and your memes forever dank.

Sy23
11-22-2015, 02:56 PM
How do Sydney girls turn the light on after sex?


They open the car door.

Miss Devil
11-23-2015, 02:15 PM
Wow lmaooooooooo

Splat
11-24-2015, 02:36 AM
Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

A: Three. A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA im so sorry

Naraness
11-25-2015, 07:21 PM
OMGoodness Splat, that last one ~rofl~

Why can't you run past tents?

Because you can only ran past tents....

Past tents.

Past tense.



Ooh, ooh..

If you have thirty cows, and twenty eight chickens... How many didn't?

Ten. ;)

Splat
11-25-2015, 07:24 PM
xD

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYEEE EEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Argon Jaden
11-29-2015, 10:14 PM
Um...

What do you call a bear that swims?
A bearaccuda!!

I'll shut up now... XD

Miss Devil
12-02-2015, 03:32 PM
This just are... Amazing. //tears up;

IssyEspeon
12-02-2015, 03:45 PM
When someone put a wire into an electrical socket, They recieved a a rather large shock. Concerned people gathered, asking questions, and muttering comments like
"Watt happened?"
"I'm glad I'm not in your current situation"
"I bet that Hertz"
"You probably want to go Ohm now"

Sy23
12-02-2015, 04:34 PM
WHY... ER... that's rather good, Issy!

Miss Devil
12-02-2015, 05:26 PM
I met a girl with 12 nipples today
sounds funny
dozen tit

Crazywolf
12-02-2015, 07:19 PM
Telling jokes is no laughing matter.

Rha'az
12-04-2015, 01:12 PM
Whoever invented the knock knock jokes should get a No-Bell prize.

Just in case no one noticed the pun I blogged weeks ago.

Miss Devil
12-04-2015, 01:14 PM
Dead. LMAO.

DarkStarlet
12-04-2015, 04:01 PM
How many donkeys can you fit in a police car?

Two in the front, two in the back and one on the roof screaming; "EEEEE AWWWW, EEEEE AWWWW!!!"

Rha'az
12-07-2015, 12:32 AM
Do your pants have holes?

No.

Then how did your legs get through?

Rha'az
12-07-2015, 12:40 PM
(sorry for double post, can't help posting this XD)

They should make a Minecraft movie. It'll be a blockbuster.

Splat
12-07-2015, 08:20 PM
Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?

They have engaged the Borg.

ba-dum tissssss~

Rha'az
12-09-2015, 08:36 AM
*girl comes in sat next to a guy*

Guy 1: Hey lady

Guy 2: Dude, she's a Lesbian.

Guy 1: Oh really? Which part of Lesbia she came from?

Splat
12-09-2015, 11:53 AM
What's brown and sticky?





...




A stick.
Get your minds out of the toilet.

Duke
12-10-2015, 03:55 PM
What do you call a cow with a nervous tick?

Beef Jerky

Crazywolf
12-14-2015, 02:24 AM
As the man said to the horse let's just ride this one out.

Miss Devil
12-16-2015, 10:27 PM
This is my favorite thread. Can't wait to use some of these! XD

trouble.muffin
12-17-2015, 07:23 PM
This might not be the best joke, but it actually happened and I had to share.

Me: Hey babe, have you seen my DS?

Marcus: Isn't this it? *raises the case I usually keep it in*

Me: No, I took it out earlier to play and can't remember where I set it.

Marcus: Then I guess what we have here *puts on best detective voice* is the case of the missing DS.

Miss Devil
12-21-2015, 01:25 PM
God made the world
But the Chinese produce it.

Rha'az
12-22-2015, 03:13 PM
*is dead* XD

Miss Devil
12-28-2015, 06:27 PM
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Jake
12-29-2015, 03:03 AM
What do you call a can opener that doesn't do it's job efficiently?
. . .
. .
.
A can't opener.

Crazywolf
12-29-2015, 03:05 PM
I must say that was rather a bad jake.

Breaking Point
12-29-2015, 03:40 PM
bad joke:
If a man is talking alone in the woods and no woman is around to hear him is he still wrong?

bad pun:
THIS
http://www.amazon.com/KILTY-Pleasures-2016-Wall-Calendar/dp/1416298010

Miss Devil
12-29-2015, 11:07 PM
I just got a nose bleed tf.

Duke
12-30-2015, 01:53 PM
Swimming is good for you.....


.... especially if you're drowning.

Naraness
12-30-2015, 07:18 PM
Did you hear about the guy who got the whole left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

Breaking Point
12-30-2015, 07:21 PM
http://www.buzzfeed.com/nathanwpyle/9-puns-for-which-i-offer-no-apology#.imNq8zMmJ

You're welcome.

Naraness
12-30-2015, 07:29 PM
LOL this is my favorite out of those http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-10/6/15/enhanced/webdr08/enhanced-406-1412624740-1.png

Liono
12-30-2015, 08:10 PM
Did you hear about the guy who got the whole left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

I guess you could say he doesn't have much of him left.

Crazywolf
12-30-2015, 08:22 PM
LOL this is my favorite out of those http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-10/6/15/enhanced/webdr08/enhanced-406-1412624740-1.png

I'd imagine semi-colon dog also has digestive problems.

Naraness
12-30-2015, 08:55 PM
I guess you could say he doesn't have much of him left.

He never really felt whole again.

Lol poor semi colon dog...

Paradokz
12-30-2015, 08:57 PM
I have a joke.

The Oakland Raiders.

Liono
12-30-2015, 09:00 PM
He never really felt whole again.

Of course, he passed every test in school! He got every question right.

Dire Hoef
12-30-2015, 09:06 PM
http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-06/4/10/enhanced/webdr02/enhanced-12491-1401893806-6.jpg

Breaking Point
12-30-2015, 09:11 PM
Of course, he passed every test in school! He got every question right.

But sadly, he was only half the man he used to be.

Liono
12-30-2015, 09:15 PM
But sadly, he was only half the man he used to be.

I heard his wife left him.

Breaking Point
12-30-2015, 09:44 PM
I heard his wife left him.

Yeah, she was a gold digger. She cost him an arm and a leg.

Liono
12-30-2015, 10:18 PM
Yeah, she was a gold digger. She cost him an arm and a leg.

His heart split in half.

Breaking Point
12-30-2015, 10:26 PM
Quote Originally Posted by Breaking Point View Post
Yeah, she was a gold digger. She cost him an arm and a leg.
His heart split in half.

Even if she was a gold digger, after living with him for so long, she'd always be taking a part of him with her.
(^So now she's also psychotic enough to rip him in half? haha)

The divorce really tore him apart, and now he just can't get himself together.

Splat
12-31-2015, 04:41 AM
these are beautiful ( T u T )

Liono
12-31-2015, 04:48 AM
Even if she was a gold digger, after living with him for so long, she'd always be taking a part of him with her.
(^So now she's also psychotic enough to rip him in half? haha)

The divorce really tore him apart, and now he just can't get himself together.

He said he lost his better half.

Hgyuf
12-31-2015, 06:23 AM
Don't mention my erectile dysfunction at the party tonight, it's quite the predicament.

Breaking Point
12-31-2015, 05:15 PM
He said he lost his better half.

He's been an emotion wreck. He acts entirely right-brained and emotional. I guess there isn't much left to his left-brain.

(My puns just get worse and worse lol.)

Liono
12-31-2015, 06:02 PM
He's been an emotion wreck. He acts entirely right-brained and emotional. I guess there isn't much left to his left-brain.

(My puns just get worse and worse lol.)

He's been drinking more and more. Someone needs to put him on the right path.

Breaking Point
12-31-2015, 07:22 PM
He's been drinking more and more. Someone needs to put him on the right path.

But sadly no one's around because everyone left him. It just isn't right that he only has himself to lean on- oh yeah, he doesn't even have that.... but he got to keep the house from the divorce, so at least he can lean on the walls.

Crazywolf
12-31-2015, 07:45 PM
Poor guy. I hope he's still all-right.

Breaking Point
01-01-2016, 05:28 PM
Poor guy. I hope he's still all-right.

Even if he is, his hospital bills might just swallow him whole- or partly.

Icedream
01-03-2016, 04:55 PM
These jokes are bringing me just under the breaking point, guys.

Notty
01-15-2016, 01:39 AM
You wanna hear a cat joke?

Just kitten!

Splat
01-15-2016, 02:35 AM
https://40.media.tumblr.com/fae30f210bda8e087733a90f0ba5e43f/tumblr_n9j3mxwgeC1th1ym3o1_500.jpg

Arcxsum
01-15-2016, 03:08 AM
Why write with a dull pencil? It's pointless.

Duke
01-15-2016, 01:38 PM
A waitress in a restaurant screamed "Does anyone know CPR"

I replied, "Lady, I know the whole alphabet."

Everyone laughed..... except this one guy

Breaking Point
01-16-2016, 01:04 AM
What's the difference between a princess and a peasant?
A princess has a canopy above her bed, and a peasant has a can-o-pee underneath her bed.
>_<

Crazywolf
01-16-2016, 04:04 AM
In the Great Peasants Revolt there were a lot of revolting peasants.

Ok I know what you're thinking, maybe we should just skip the peasantries.

Arcxsum
01-16-2016, 05:41 AM
A man walks into a bar and sees a giraffe on the floor. He asks "Oi, what's that lyin' on the floor there?" Barkeep replies "That's no lion, it's a giraffe."

Crazywolf
01-16-2016, 03:23 PM
A man walks into a bar and sees a giraffe on the floor. He asks "Oi, what's that lyin' on the floor there?" Barkeep replies "That's no lion, it's a giraffe."

Well I guess there was no point lion about it.

Arcxsum
01-16-2016, 09:57 PM
Well I guess there was no point lion about it.

Oh jeez, I otter seen this coming.

Breaking Point
01-25-2016, 02:56 PM
Here is a joke that I heard and really do not get:
"What's worse than a poor Irish Child?"
Answer: "A Poor Irish Catholic Child."

Splat
01-25-2016, 03:51 PM
Here is a joke that I heard and really do not get:
"What's worse than a poor Irish Child?"
Answer: "A Poor Irish Catholic Child."

I don't get it either, unless it's trying to insult Catholics or something, in which case it's really not funny...

Thor12
01-25-2016, 04:15 PM
Some of the jokes here are to cheesey and thats not gouda nuff

Liono
02-06-2016, 04:53 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uzSQXhz.png

Holeypaladin
02-10-2016, 06:36 AM
What do you call an Asiatic barbarian in prison?

Genghis Con

How about an Asiatic barbarian in a convent?

Attila the Nun

Duke
02-10-2016, 01:51 PM
http://i.imgur.com/mzG83Qw.jpg

Naraness
02-10-2016, 06:48 PM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/98/52/3c/98523cdc1df280fcfccd7548515dba6f.jpg

AngelDellaNotte
02-10-2016, 07:17 PM
http://s27.postimg.org/kdx1vwxlv/Untitled_1_copy.jpg

Black
02-11-2016, 05:49 AM
What do you call a girl with no arms? Sarah.

Knock Knock,
Whose there?
Not Sarah.

AngelDellaNotte
02-17-2016, 09:16 PM
http://s12.postimg.org/vzxjl2cb1/12744108_1021956524531958_202486632643875307_n.jpg

Splat
02-17-2016, 09:55 PM
I'm the puppy^^^

http://i.imgur.com/EhzJmX9.png

AngelDellaNotte
02-17-2016, 10:07 PM
http://img.ifcdn.com/images/3404dd8b57436e3d0bb1b59e4f24cfba3de6264d97ff036106 56ebc20b90b802_1.jpg

Miss Devil
03-01-2016, 04:28 PM
I forgot how to use a boomerang.....but then it came back to me.

Cassiopeia
03-06-2016, 08:00 PM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/8b/f5/5a/8bf55aa72823f9b5bfc66e07dc165f0c.jpg

Naraness
03-29-2016, 05:36 PM
http://boredbug.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/hay.jpg

Zirra
04-03-2016, 07:18 PM
Oh yeah, Phil's bakery burnt down last night. His business is really toast...

Crazywolf
04-18-2016, 12:39 PM
If space were part of the human body it would be the final front ear.

Give a human too much space and they start to feel spaced-out.

InfraredHero
05-11-2016, 03:37 AM
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.


What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We are both lawyers.


How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his family.


What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing.


Why was the boy sad?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

Splat
05-11-2016, 02:01 PM
How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Dnafein
05-11-2016, 02:17 PM
If you jump out of a plane and your parachute doesn't open don't panic; You have the rest of your life to fix it.

Sy23
05-11-2016, 03:35 PM
A Jewish man was going on vacation, but his valise was too small to fit in everything he wanted. In his quest to find a leather worker to enlarge it he traveled fare and wide, but every quote he received for such fiddly work was far too high, and before long he had more or less resigned himself to buying a new one.

That evening he confessed his disappointment to the Rabbi, whose eyes lit up. "Bring it to my house tomorrow morning," he said. "I think I can help."

The next day, using the discarded foreskins he had accrued as raw material, the Rabbi enlarged the suitcase to almost twice its size.

Which goes to prove the old proverb:


Circumsizers alter cases.

Splat
05-11-2016, 03:43 PM
oh my god thats so gross xD i'm gonna go ahead and say that i don't think that's the exact saying....

Crazywolf
05-11-2016, 04:14 PM
Actually I don't think all rabbi are circumcisers. I know that to do it cleanly and safely it requires training.

GelidPhantom
06-12-2016, 08:16 PM
Two muffins are in an oven. One says "Boy it sure is hot in here!" The second muffin says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Kayser
06-14-2016, 03:24 AM
I never let my little cousin watch the classical music channe...
Too much sax and violins.

GelidPhantom
06-14-2016, 12:59 PM
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?



He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Holeypaladin
06-21-2016, 05:33 PM
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head by a bottle of tequila?

He got knocked out since it's a hard drink.

Crazywolf
06-21-2016, 06:27 PM
In fantasy an angry giant is a huge problem.

Splat
06-21-2016, 06:31 PM
Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi.



not sorry

Crazywolf
06-21-2016, 06:53 PM
What do you call someone who eats a lot of wookies?

A wookie-monster.

Cham
06-25-2016, 10:22 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U-nique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?

...Tame way.

DistortedReality
06-25-2016, 10:52 PM
I heard that new Angry Birds movie is just fowl...

Rha'az
06-25-2016, 10:57 PM
I guess the EU goes 'eww' on England.

(Got it from Facebook)

Crazywolf
06-26-2016, 09:07 PM
Meanwhile the British Labour Party seems to be frozen in Corbynite.

*Only 1/10 members will get this pun or probably even less.

Paradokz
06-27-2016, 02:26 PM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

http://i.imgflip.com/2645.jpg


That's pretty much all I got.
All my other jokes can and/or will result in a permaban.

HoneyHeart
06-27-2016, 03:16 PM
CrazyWolf
Bravo! You are correct! Uncertain if all mohels are rabbis, either. (Also, I am 1 of the 10).

Imp
07-09-2016, 08:34 PM
It's so hot out that Bill Clinton slept with Hillary just to cool off.

Crazywolf
07-14-2016, 06:29 PM
Britain may have a new prime minister.

AssassinsCreed
07-30-2016, 05:41 PM
What does cranes and guys have in common but cranes still do better than guys?

When a crane goes up,it stays up for as far as needed. When a guy goes up it lasts as long as it takes to jump up and down.


(Uhm... really bad pun I know DX )

Sy23
08-01-2016, 11:20 AM
Surely the guys' performance depends on the winch... erm, wench... involved?

RobynB
08-15-2016, 07:44 AM
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

RobynB
08-29-2016, 06:03 AM
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

Holeypaladin
08-29-2016, 06:22 AM
What did the Emperor give to the Elven kingdom to help them modernize?

An elf-help book.

RobynB
09-02-2016, 04:29 PM
Deja-moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

moonbeam_maddie
09-04-2016, 05:02 AM
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

- - - Updated - - -

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first one!

Kayser
09-05-2016, 05:59 PM
A man was just diagnosed cancer by his doctor, in an state of shock he asks the doctor how much time does he have left.
- "You still have five" the doctor responds with a straight face.
- "Five what?" The guy asks yet again.
- The doctor then pulls out an air horn and jumps on top of his desk. "Four! Three! Two! One!"

Crazywolf
09-05-2016, 06:43 PM
What did the big telephone say to the little telephone?

You're too young to get engaged.

RobynB
09-09-2016, 05:17 AM
My life


What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Lleona
09-10-2016, 07:23 PM
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but then i realized that toucan play at that game.

RobynB
09-15-2016, 08:28 PM
Why can't ghosts have babies?








They have halloweenies

The Bandana Boy
10-04-2016, 03:27 AM
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded? I can...wait, that one makes more sense aloud.

Alright, how did Hitler tie his shoes? In...wait, that's another speaking one.

Where did Hitler keep his armies? In his...ugh. I have a ton of Hitler jokes that aren't gonna work...

Splat
10-04-2016, 10:32 AM
I CAN NAZI
(i love that joke xD)


When is a door not a door?


When it's ajar!

Crazywolf
10-04-2016, 03:10 PM
When is a sailor a piece of wood?


When he's aboard.

Splat
10-04-2016, 03:23 PM
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?


One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

Crazywolf
10-04-2016, 09:49 PM
Two peanuts walked into a bar and one was a salted.

RobynB
10-05-2016, 09:14 AM
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

Crazywolf
10-05-2016, 06:51 PM
What do you call a three legged donkey?


A wonky.

RobynB
10-09-2016, 07:43 AM
VERY NSFW
BE WARNED

Are you a condom? Because it feels so much better when you're not here

Crazywolf
10-17-2016, 06:03 PM
One day god wanted to do a magic trick so he pulled a rabbi out of a hat.

Kayser
10-17-2016, 06:12 PM
If you have bird-flu you need Twirpment. If you have swine-flu you need oinkment.

Sy23
10-18-2016, 04:27 PM
If you have bird-flu you need Twirpment. If you have swine-flu you need oinkment.

I tried ringing the swine flu information hot line, and all I got was crackling.

Emet
10-18-2016, 04:40 PM
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?


They're really good at it.

Crazywolf
11-04-2016, 02:54 PM
How do you make a Swiss Roll?





Push him down the hill.

RobynB
11-06-2016, 06:15 PM
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

-stardust-
11-13-2016, 04:50 PM
Commander Shepard (Mass Effect) and the Master Chief (Halo series) walk into a bar.

There were no survivors.

ANOTHER:

It has been reported that Jesus walked on water... Chuck Norris can swim through dirt.

Speaking of Chuck Norris...

There is no theory of evolution, only a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to exist.
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the world down.
It doesn't matter what video game you are playing; any time Chuck Norris starts it, all other players, everywhere, immediately lose. Even single player games.
There used to be a street called Chuck Norris, but it had to be changed, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

RobynB
11-14-2016, 05:31 PM
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

PendragonXeno94
11-14-2016, 05:38 PM
How does an elephant hide in a strawberry bush? It paints its toenails red.

AND

I read a joke about chocolate. I didn't think it was that funny, so I snickered.

Crazywolf
11-14-2016, 06:08 PM
Wizards often have to spell things out to their students.

PendragonXeno94
11-14-2016, 06:23 PM
How can you tell if a vampire is sick? By his coffin

Kayser
11-14-2016, 11:29 PM
The first time I saw a universal remote I thought to myself; "You know what? This changes everything"

PendragonXeno94
11-14-2016, 11:42 PM
A skunk, a deer, and a duck went to dinner one night. The skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

RobynB
11-15-2016, 07:03 AM
Two blood cells met and fell in love but alas it was all in vein

Crazywolf
11-15-2016, 07:24 AM
It always amazes me how many pirates have their own radio station.

RobynB
11-15-2016, 09:55 AM
This exists
http://kittify.herokuapp.com

Crazywolf
11-15-2016, 10:51 AM
^ looks purrfect.

-stardust-
11-17-2016, 01:41 PM
One day, a bass drum and a cymbal fell off a cliff.

*BA DUM TSS*

RobynB
11-17-2016, 01:59 PM
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
















HeHe

-stardust-
11-17-2016, 02:20 PM
Two cell phones meet, and one is wearing glasses. The other asks, "Why are you wearing glasses?"
The cell with the glasses looks forlorn. With a sigh, it says, "I lost my contacts."

Crazywolf
11-18-2016, 11:33 AM
In my experience most dogs are barking mad.

RobynB
11-19-2016, 07:48 PM
And I mixed up the alphabet. It now starts with U R A Q T

Crazywolf
11-19-2016, 09:12 PM
I heard that in the French Revolution many aristocrats got very excited and lost their heads.

Maya
11-19-2016, 10:19 PM
What's the worst thing about ancient orators?

They tend to Bablyon..

Crazywolf
11-20-2016, 08:39 AM
What's the worst thing about ancient orators?

They tend to Bablyon..

And mostly about hanging gardens.

Emet
11-20-2016, 09:04 AM
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Holeypaladin
11-20-2016, 10:48 AM
What do you get when you charge a machine gun on horseback?

Me.

Hoshi
11-23-2016, 06:01 AM
Just imagine towels telling a joke..


They'll sure have a dry sense of humor

Crazywolf
11-23-2016, 09:33 PM
One day I went to see the vet. I asked him had he ever heard of an illness called cat astrophe.

RobynB
11-24-2016, 06:01 PM
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?




She ran away from the ball

Crazywolf
11-24-2016, 07:52 PM
Snow White proved she was racist by looking down on the seven dwarfs.

Crazywolf
12-02-2016, 03:13 PM
What did the man do when his dog was poorly?

He took it to a Vietnam Vet.

Maya
12-19-2016, 11:58 PM
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Maya
12-26-2016, 01:54 AM
When attacked by a mob of angry clowns, go for the Juggler.

Crazywolf
12-26-2016, 04:19 PM
If you go to Lapland it will frequently rain deer.

Crazywolf
12-28-2016, 06:58 PM
So apparently we now live in an age where the truth is decided by posts.

It's called the post-truth era.

SerahAura
12-30-2016, 08:46 AM
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

RobynB
12-30-2016, 08:14 PM
I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite…
He said NaBrO

Crazywolf
01-22-2017, 05:04 AM
What do you call a romance story between Anne Bonney and Blackbeard?

A pirate ship.

Crazywolf
01-22-2017, 11:18 AM
Patient: I find the severity of my symptoms quite hard to quantify.

Doctor: How hard on a scale of one to ten.

RobynB
01-22-2017, 02:06 PM
Why is our nose right in the middle of our face?

Well, it is the scenter.

RobynB
01-22-2017, 09:21 PM
#TerriblePickUpLines

You must be a compound of beryllium and barium...because your a total BaBe.

AngelDellaNotte
01-23-2017, 07:46 PM
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild, except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mighter.

Crazywolf
01-23-2017, 09:48 PM
The orcs couldn't find the ring because they were too busy trolling.

RobynB
01-23-2017, 09:55 PM
https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-12/19/6/enhanced/webdr03/enhanced-2726-1418989234-5.jpg?no-auto

Crazywolf
01-25-2017, 12:41 PM
That picture was pretty funny even though it gave me a sinking feeling.

RobynB
01-25-2017, 12:48 PM
My dream is to open a photo processing store in a developing country.

Crazywolf
01-25-2017, 01:30 PM
When a griffon talks out of its rear end it's often lion.

RobynB
01-25-2017, 03:00 PM
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo

Crazywolf
01-28-2017, 02:06 PM
This Brexit is causing Theresa Mayhem.

RobynB
01-29-2017, 03:55 PM
https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-06/17/5/enhanced/webdr07/enhanced-buzz-30051-1402999174-4.jpg

Crazywolf
01-30-2017, 05:55 PM
There's something very fishy about sharks.

RobynB
01-31-2017, 07:08 PM
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

CryoLilly
02-01-2017, 06:53 AM
On Christmas Eve in Soviet Russia, a couple are out on a walk through the city when they feel some light precipitation.

One of them mentions how nice it is to be snowing on Christmas, while the other is certain that it is, in fact, raining. As the argument grows heated, they begin to draw stares on the street. Finally, exhausted of the debate, one of them notices a soviet officer nearby.

"Here," she says, "Let's as Comrade Rudolph to settle our argument."

The two approach the officer, saying "Comrade Rudolph, tell us, is it raining, or snowing?"

Rudolph considers for a moment before concluding that it is raining. The woman who'd thought it was raining all along turns to her partner, grinning smugly.

"See? Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

RobynB
02-01-2017, 09:14 AM
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.

P.K.
02-01-2017, 02:03 PM
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him he's not coming.

Kayser
02-01-2017, 05:03 PM
Why did the monkey fell off the tree?




...It was dead.

RobynB
02-01-2017, 05:24 PM
My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

CryoLilly
02-01-2017, 10:35 PM
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?

A milk dud.

What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake.

Crazywolf
02-03-2017, 12:32 PM
What did the pastor say to the lettuces?

Lettuce pray.

RobynB
02-03-2017, 02:16 PM
This graveyard seems overcrowded... People must be dying to get in here

Kayser
02-03-2017, 03:21 PM
There was once a dog called ousside.
One day his owner told him "Ousside, inside"
The dog got a seizure and died on the spot.






When I die I want to be cremated...





And then chocolated.

Crazywolf
02-03-2017, 09:07 PM
What did the wolf say when someone stepped on his foot?

Aoooowwwwww!

RobynB
02-04-2017, 09:04 PM
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

ShadowKat
02-05-2017, 02:14 AM
If you ever see a dog barking at a squirrel or bird in a tree say aloud "He/She's barking up the wrong tree."

Lol
If nobody gets it its because a tree has bark. XD

RobynB
02-05-2017, 04:31 PM
If a wild pig kills you, does it mean you’ve been boared to death?

Crazywolf
02-05-2017, 07:18 PM
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Well I guess that's better than someone putting fun into fundamentalism - which would probably just encourage it.

PendragonXeno94
02-05-2017, 07:51 PM
Who was the best dancer at the Halloween ball? The boogeyman

Why wouldn't anyone dance with Dracula at the Halloween ball? Because he sucks

RobynB
02-05-2017, 07:54 PM
Well I guess that's better than someone putting fun into fundamentalism - which would probably just encourage it.
I want to rep you so hard but I cannot T_T



My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence

Crazywolf
02-06-2017, 01:14 AM
I heard that once they gave a long sentence to a man who stole a dictionary.

Cutekitty150
02-06-2017, 05:38 AM
Well, I'm a Cat... Neh, I'm Kitting, I'm a CuteKitty. -came-

Mew :bubbles:

Crazywolf
02-06-2017, 09:08 AM
What do you call a witch on a broomstick?

A flying sorceress.

PendragonXeno94
02-06-2017, 10:58 AM
I heard the new Pharaoh is a real mummy's boy

CryoLilly
02-06-2017, 04:23 PM
What do you call a saute chef on a broomstick?

A flying saucier.

Crazywolf
02-06-2017, 04:46 PM
It's like that old question of how did the wizard stop his tea-cup from staining the table.

The answer to which is saucery.

RobynB
02-06-2017, 04:47 PM
https://www.demilked.com/magazine/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/illustrated-puns-arseniic-monika-pundemonium-2.jpg

Crazywolf
02-06-2017, 05:01 PM
People should always remember that punching a clown is no laughing matter.

Cutekitty150
02-06-2017, 07:28 PM
How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In little Nazis... ;king15;

RobynB
02-06-2017, 08:33 PM
I was going to tell you a joke about a blunt arrow but really there is no point

Crazywolf
02-06-2017, 09:02 PM
Are arrow jokes really Nessie-sary...

Cutekitty150
02-06-2017, 09:12 PM
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

CryoLilly
02-06-2017, 11:14 PM
How do you best season a year?

Just give it some thyme.

RobynB
02-07-2017, 06:57 PM
In a family 'Coffee Business' intake of outsiders is a filtered process to prevent spilling the beans!

Crazywolf
02-07-2017, 07:16 PM
Nessie is super funny. All her jokes make me want to owl with laughter.

RobynB
02-07-2017, 08:57 PM
That was truly terrible.
I love it


Snakes don't drink coffee because it makes them viperactive.

Crazywolf
02-28-2017, 05:08 AM
Thank god for divine intervention.

Crazywolf
03-02-2017, 12:18 AM
Bad mix-up at the Oscars the other night. Perhaps one day they'll make a film about it.

Treagus
03-05-2017, 06:54 PM
What do you call the security guards outside of a Samsung Store?





Guardians of the Galaxy.

http://rs945.pbsrc.com/albums/ad295/snowcomicstudio/2041596_t.jpg~c200

RobynB
03-06-2017, 07:19 AM
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?




If it stood on none it would fall over

SerahAura
03-06-2017, 11:03 PM
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?




If it stood on none it would fall over

That is adorable!!!!!!!!!!

A man walks into the pet shop and says, "Give me one wasp please." The shopkeeper replies, "Sorry sir we don't sell any wasps." The man says, "There's one on your window."

Crazywolf
03-12-2017, 06:56 AM
One day a rabbit was caught stealing. He tried to deny it but just kept on digging himself into a hole.

Crazywolf
03-26-2017, 01:35 AM
Why did the Egyptian pharohs lose all their money?

They invested in a dodgy pyramid scheme.