The Horrible Advice Thread

[Alura]

Well, well, Good Sir! Step right up, you've come to the right place! It may not be a millinery, but we've got colourful hats in spades. You can try them all on, you can admire them in full-length mirrors. You can take a turn on an impromptu cat walk , except... there is just one catch. A catch, which now that you're here I'm sure you'll agree is worth it. Once you hat, you cannot go back. Now that you've completed your ecstatic elocation, surrounded by these luscious lids, you must stay amongst them as the finest mannequin this haberdashery has ever seen. You can gaze from the windows. You can gouge scratches into the emergency exit door at night, but you can never - and I do mean never - leave.

I need another glass of water, but the water is far away and I am very lazy.

[Kiro Akira]

Spit in a cup. Spit enough times and itll be full of water.


I need a break

[Alura]

You have two options. I prefer my violence outbound. If you are also thus inclined, place a friend's arm in a door and slam it repeatedly. You could also just have them stand in oncoming traffic, but I find that less satisfying as putting in the work, you know?

If you really must have a break, then come here and put your arm into this door. Never mind why, it'll all become clear soon...

I need to be asleep.

[InfraredHero]

Pfft, that's easy. All you need is chloroform. Drink two cups of it whenever you need to go to sleep, and I guarantee you that 100% of the time you will fall asleep immediately. now, whether or not you wake up is an entirely different story... but we don't need to bother with that, trust me. i have a doctor locked in my basement that definitely said its okay to drink chloroform.


How do I git gud?

[Alura]

Most people fall into one of two schools of thought: pupilship or practice. One allows you to git the gud by learning from someone who is currently gud. The second involves a lot of time, labour, and sometimes questing for random things and/or killing woodland creatures as part of a poorly-conceived chain of tasks that seldom to never have any correlation to your end goal or the skill at which you wish to git gud.

Both of these schools are, in my opinion, unimaginative and classically belaboured by the idea that "you better werk" to git gud. Why take time to git gud, when you can literally git gud right now? Today! Simply find the best in the field, a ghostwriter for an example, and hire that similar spectral presence whom you pay to do whatever it is you need. This way you can define the parameters of the highest quality you can afford to make gud simply gr8t, all from the comfort of whatever surface you choose to perch your ingenious ass.

If this was a typo and you actually need to git god, then you should probably find the nearest shrine or holy place and use the red telephone. They all have one, if you know where to find them. If you need assistance with this, contact Adele. She frequently speaks with the other side.

I have trouble staying hydrated: help!?

[Lu321]

Jump into a lake or river, swim to the bottom, and start drinking! You'll be hydrated for the rest of your life that way.

I need to clean my house...

[Alura]

If you have never seen the 1963 animated housekeeping tutorial The Sword and The Stone, I highly recommend that you dedicate some time to watching it. You could even play it while you work for a reminder on how things should go. You'll need at least as many brooms as you have rooms with hard floors if you want to work efficiently, the same number of mops and at least a few centrally placed buckets. For dishes you can literally stack them anywhere provided there is a tub of water or sink and some sponges and cloths nearby. After that, find the smoothest and most ornate stick you can and stand in the center of all of your supplies. Wave it around. You should see instant results that complete all of your household chores in a very short frame. Think somewhere between a three minute cleaning montage and an hour and twenty. You're welcome!

What is the best way to pop popcorn?