[IC] The League of Extraordinarily Useless Heroes

[Alura]

Feathers and bullets were flying, a haze of dust clouded the opening in the wall, but despite the unexpected beginning of the robot attack it seemed to be going well. Coughing into her elbow from the stench of the pepper spray, she looked up to see the cockatoo that was The Archosaur rising from the head of another victim. It fell to the floor with an electrical twitch alongside another felled by Captain Awesome's barrage. The latter shouted something that she thought might be orders at first, but turned out to be... Too soon.

The screams rising up from the lower levels and the streets below were clear indicators that the attack was happening in more than just this room. Perhaps The Sleeper was faring better, and she ardently hoped that was so. It wouldn't do to have them all pinned down by two dozen mindless robots at the very start of their assignment.

Just when things seemed like they might be coming around their way, the robots did something strange. With a blue flicker their robotic eyes changed and they ceased firing and retreated back to street level, but not before one rasped out, "He wants them alive."

Watching them go, The North Face took in the chaos. The NYPD was still in danger and citizens were running in every direction. If the screams inside were any indication then wherever the four of them were, the more danger to the civilians nearby. Her eyes fell on the prone form of The Sleeper. A robot zipped towards him and he saved himself at what seemed like the last minute with a gunshot. Thank goodness another one of them was properly armed! That relief was short-lived, however, as he limped towards the building and called for backup. His attempt to pick off the two robots tailing him failed, and she wondered whether it was because it had jammed or he was simply out of ammunition.

It would have been preferable to have time to plan out next steps and strip some useful offenses from the armoury, but if their presence was dangerous it seemed like the best they could do was hoof it down to The Sleeper's position as quickly as they could.

The North Face wheeled to the man nearest the table, "Captain, The Sleeper is in a tight spot below us with two of those tin cans on his tail! If we really are the targets then anyone around us is in the most danger. The NYPD won't be able to hold them off alone indefinitely. It looks like The Archosaur can make it to him the fastest. Can you fly also?"

Running to the door to the hall, she flattened her back against the wall and peered out carefully as she continued to question their team leader. "What is the plan? I can take the fire escape and meet you below. If you and The Archosaur can fly, then perhaps after we fend off these goons The Sleeper and I can find a car and catch you two up somewhere less populated?"

[Yggdrasil_Hugger]

Billy ducked (har de har) another attack by the robots before they lit up bright blue. They muttered something about wanting them alive, and took off, nearly dragging Billy with them. He fluttered off just in time to avoid behind whipped by the robot's helicopter-like blades. He had seen a video of a hawk getting hit by a jet engine, it did not look fun. He flapped over to The North Face and Captain Awesome and squawked, his body already shedding feathers and growing back into human shape.

"Alright, what's the plan? I can turn into another bird if we need, but I can't guarantee it will go as well as it did last time." He shuddered as he remembered the time he turned into a penguin trying get away from somebody mugging him. As the North Face began spouting what sounded like a plan, he snapped his attention to The Sleeper, who was... napping? Swell time to catch some z's Billy thought as The Sleeper sprang into action and avoided certain death by a hair.

Meanwhile, the NYPD were trying to defend from the robot onslaught, rapidly losing ground as the robots advanced. In the back, smaller robots were loading netguns and bolas into small cannons. Bolas? Do they think we're emus? Oh yeah, Billy smacked his forehead.

"Okay, so if we need to get to The Sleeper, I can probably get there fastest, but I probably won't be much help. On account of turning into a random bird, an all." He watched as The North Face flattened herself against a wall, peeking out and looking very hero-y. Captain Awesome kinda just seemed lost. "So I'm gonna need backup. North Face, you're pretty handy with that pepper-spray, can you come with? While Captain Awesome provides cover for us." He looked at his fellow heroes, waiting for the barest of confirmations.

All right, here we go again. He took a deep breath as he became... a peregrine falcon! Oh holy shit! This bird is badass! He dimly remembered seeing a documentary where a peregrine falcon had dove straight down at another bird and snapped its neck. Apparently, peregrine falcons could go stupid fast. He gave a shrill call as he dove out the window, rapidly flapping his angular wings.

I could get used to this Billy thought as he raced out into the bright blue sky. He performed a quick vertical loop before he tucked his wings and dove at one of the robots advancing upon The Sleeper. In a navy-and-cream blur, his talons were out and he was striking. To outside observers, the robot seemingly exploded. But to Billy, he watched each piece of plastic shatter and wire fly, each bolt pop out and each shoddily-welded bracket snap. Fastest visual processing speed of the animal kingdom, baby! Billy thought as he recalled another random fact from the documentary.

He flapped out of the slightly smoking wreckage of the robot's wrecked head, giving a shriek of victory. He flapped towards the other robot, ready for more electronic carnage. But he just bonked off the faceplate. It's the speed. Duh. If Billy could facepalm, he would have. But his talons didn't have that kind of flexibility. He gave an indignant squawk as he fell to the ground and rolled over. He tried to hop away, but the robot planted a firm foot on his back. Billy shrieked and squabbled at the foot with his beak, but only managed to scuff it slightly.

[InfraredHero]

"I'll show you flying, baby!" Captain Awesome said as he swooped Daniella up in his arms bridal-style, then he flew out the hole in the wall at supersonic speed, going way beyond the fighting in the streets. She questioned where they were going, but he put a hand across her cheek and reassured her. "Don't worry about that anymore, it's just you and me now." In mere seconds they were at the Eiffel Tower where they enjoyed a star-lit picnic and it was the best day of their lives and they fell in love that night and everything was awesome and Captain Awesome was awesome.


Carl stared at Daniella across the room from him. Once she asked if he could fly, his mind went to the land of imagination, and he didn't snap out of it until she finished speaking. He looked around the room for a second, trying to figure out what she was talking about while he was mentally away, but he couldn't to save his life, so he decided to respond to the last thing he heard her say. "Uhh, yeah, I'll show you flying." Without even thinking, Carl ran across the room and jumped out of the building, striking a flying pose. Then he realized what he had done.

"Oh my god!" Carl yelled out in fear as his momentum almost immediately died out, and he began plummeting towards the street below. As he began saying his final goodbyes, he was suddenly wrapped up in a net. And although he couldn't move his limbs, he took comfort in the warm embrace of the rather soft fabrics the net was woven from. But this would not be his death either. One of the smaller robots flew up and grabbed on to Carl, slowing his descent, then the robot actively started flying back to the ground.

'Dammit, Carl, this is no time for games. It's serious time.' He quickly thought back to his time training to be a superhero, and remembered the one time someone told him to wait for the opportune moment to strike. So he took in the situation, examining his options, and once he had the beginning of a plan, he waited. Once Carl and his new robot buddy were a mere ten feet away from the ground, he moved to act. Managing a few small movements, he aimed one of his pistols at the robots head, and shot.

Ears ringing from the gunshot. Face slightly burned from electrical sparks flying out of the robots destroyed head. Striking pain throughout whole body as a result of smacking onto the ground. But he didn't have time to think about any of that. Carl grabbed hold of the destroyed robots remains and used a broken sharp piece to cut the net, freeing himself from it's once warm embrace. But he was not free from danger yet.

Looking around, Carl spotted several robots not too far from him, but for the time being they were preoccupied with the firefight with the NYPD. He took the opportunity to pick himself up and limp away in the direction of Billy and James, giving a quick hand signal to Daniella to join him on the ground, and with his other hand he fired off a few shots at the robot pinning Billy down. At least, he hoped that was Billy and not just a random falcon.

[DoctorInfinity]

As James was being chased by the robot from earlier, he saw a robot in front of him. James was about to get captured, when he saw a navy-and-cream blur. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s...The Archosaur. His talons were out as he struck the robot and crushed its head. ‘Finally! Some actual backup!’ James thought. The Archosaur then flew out of the wreckage and dove straight for the robot behind James. James ducked as the Archosaur went past him and struck the robot’s head. But something was wrong. The robot’s head wasn’t crushed like the other one.

The robot looked at the Archosaur as he fell and it started crushing him. This was bad, as James’s teammate was in danger. But if the Archosaur couldn’t hit the robot’s head, there was no way that James could with his fist. James picked up his gun and pointed it at the robot’s head, and fired. Then James remembered that his gun couldn’t fire, and he didn’t even know how to reload. It looked like the Archosaur was doomed. Then a gunshot was made, and the robot exploded.

James turned around to see Captain Awesome falling from the hole and going splat on the floor. James thought he was in terrible shape, or maybe a coma. But somehow, impossibly, the Captain got up with only minor injuries. ‘How in the hell is he still alive?’ James thought. James turned around to the Archosaur. “Hey man, thank you for helping me with those robots. I couldn’t of done it without you. Anyway, we need to get out of here,” James said. James picked up the slightly crushed falcon and limped over to the Captain.

Once he got there, he carefully put the Archosaur on the ground and turned to Captain Awesome. “Hello Captain. Sorry about me leaving. I had to go find some information about Doctor Evil. Unfortunately, I didn’t find anything about him. I also got pummeled. This day is already going great. Anyway, do you have any idea on how to reload a gun?” James asked.

The team was almost back together. The only person not there yet was the North Face. Where was she? Sure, she was in the facility, but James had no idea where she was. James hoped that she wasn’t in any danger like he was. Unfortunately, the team couldn’t do anything about it, so all they could do was wait.

[Alura]

As the Archosaur traveled back where The North Face and Captain Awesome were standing, the woman looked up and admired the way the hazy sunlight showed off the bird's silhouette. Definitely a PR dream. The moment the cockatoo began to shift, she glanced about for a jacket or shirt, but finding none shrugged faintly. No help for it. The flying superhero was right, he would be the fastest. The Captain seemed to be off in his own thoughts, probably calculating their next move, so it was up to them to buy some time. Nodding to the feathery defender, she gripped the pepper spray and set her mouth in a grim line.

Before she could say more, he had already made the magnificent change into an impressive bird of prey. She almost reached out a hand to try to fly down holding his claws, but felt like that might require some team building to master so drew her hand back.

Glancing to Captain Awesome with her hand on the doorhandle, she wondered if she should interrupt his... Whatever was happening. "Captain...?" She whispered tentatively. There was no way to anticipate what happened next. He did affirm his flying capabilities and sprinted for the wall in top superhero form. When he reached what had been a wall, he flung himself free... and promptly fell like a stone.

Gasping, The North Face ran to the window and scanned the ground below. The screaming man had fallen straight into one of the nets below. She blew out a breath at the close call. That would require a bit of unpacking in the debriefing, maybe. The Sleeper's situation had changed and he was now working with The Archosaur to fend off more of those metallic bastards. Captain Awesome signalled her to get going. Clock's ticking, Daniella. Time to show your mettle.

Opening the door, she looked around the empty corridor. There were faint sounds of scuffling, and she wondered how many employees were still hiding and how many had evacuated. Think, girl, think. Pivoting to her left she made a break for the fire exit. She hit the bar and noted the alarm did not sound when two thoughts slammed into her brain. Backpedaling a few steps she glanced to her right at small red lettering that said "Break glass in case of emergency."

Jackpot.

Making a dash to the elevator banks, she buttoned the holster of the pepper spray and for lack of fucking pockets tucked it into the front of her dress before tipping over one of the large pots and snagging the disc-shaped water catch from underneath. Tottering back to the glass panel above the red lettering just as quickly, she kept a safe distance and flung the tray at the glass as hard as she could. Both shattered and shards of ceramic and glass crunched underfoot as she reached in to retrieve a large, sharp fireaxe.

Why didn't I think of this sooner!? Mentally kicking herself, The North Face smirked and hooked two fingers into the fire alarm, bracing herself for her a mad run down the fire escape. Four o'clock spin class, late night martial arts electives, twenty-five page term papers, juice cleanses, LSAT tutor sessions on mother's crazy schedule, embarrassing promotional shoots for superhero agencies that never actually intended to hire me... Brazillians! This is when it all comes through, Daniella. This is where you make or break superhero for your life or become a lawyer. Make them proud. Gripping the axe handle just below the head, she let her other hand jerk down and the hallway filled with the deafening blare of the fire alarm and the pressure of water beginning to flood the sprinkler system.

Shouldering open the door, her feet pounded a staccato tattoo. It took about two minutes to run the distance down the rickety escape route, including a leap from one landing platform to another that would make her CrossFit Facebook group even more smug. When she finally hit the narrow street, she hoofed it towards the action where the NYPD were still holding the line. In the chaos, she hoped as much against friendly fire as she did enemy attack.

When her eyes finally locked on to her party she tossed the axe up, firmly gripping the handle as she set off at a flat run. They seemed relatively safe so with a battle cry she altered course and lifted the axe above her head in both hands, eating up the paving between her and the nearest robot in the way of the NYPD officers. She brought her weapon arcing down into the crown of the first machine's head, wedging a heel against its metal carcass to pull the axe free once it hit the ground with a mechanical jerk. She literally walked over it and ran at the second. With another cry, she swung horizontally like a batter and did make contact, though it was weakened somewhat as one of those ruddy heels snapped, sending her keeling to one side and bending her ankle at an ungodly angle. Pain shot through her foot and lower leg like a fire and she winced, staggering off balance.

[Yggdrasil_Hugger]

Billy's thoughts were going dim before the weight upon his back ceased. He blinked rapidly as the dark spots in his vision faded, just in time to see Captain (Sigh) Awesome pull the smoking gun near his face in what he probably thought was a cool move. Bad gun safety is more like it, geez, Billy thought. Before he could get up, The Sleeper slipped his clammy hands under Billy, lifting him up and carrying him about 20 feet before putting him on the ground again. Billy gave an indignant squawk and a peck to the toe.

They were just standing around for the moment, but not for long. The North Face rushed out with a fire ax (dope) and began an ax assault upon the robots. It seemed to be going well, until she broke a heel. She staggered, off-balance before she could finish off the second robot. Oh shit! Billy leapt into the air, leaving behind a few scraggly feathers. It seemed he was just flying away as he rose above the buildings. But then he banked, turning into a headwind that would give him an extra bit of speed.

He locked onto target, tucking his wings and basically folding himself into an arrow. With a scream that sounded like somebody dragging a car along a steel cable, he streaked across the sky and towards the electronic foes. Once again, the talons came out, hooked claws that shattered duck spines and robots faceplates all the same. He crashed into the robot that was engaged with The North Face, metal features exploding in blue sparks.

He crawled from the wreckage of the robot, hopping along the handle of the ax. He nodded his head to The North Face, giving her a squawk that sounded suspiciously like "sup?". Then, kicking off with his powerful legs that were really beginning to hurt. I guess falcons aren't the natural enemies to evil hench-robots. He flapped into the sky, narrowly dodging a bola hurtling towards him. He gave a challenging screech to the robot that fired it, locking eyes. Robotic cameras studied the inky black eyes of a predator, pondering in its code the true nature of life, of death, of the hunter and the hunted. Billy looked into the mechanical cameras, which were slightly smudged. Idiot. Can't even make robots with smudge-resistant glass on their cameras.

[InfraredHero]

Carl gave James a simple nod as he asked about reloading a gun. At least, that was what he thought the man was asking him. With his ears still ringing, it was a little hard for him to hear anything. But, hoping he heard the question correctly, Carl reloaded one of his own pistols with the extra ammo Daniella found for him several minutes ago. And he made sure to do it slowly so James could see how to do it, and follow along.

With that taken care of, Carl began to take in his surroundings, when all of a sudden his adrenaline began to quickly ware off, and he realized just how much pain he was in. He leaned up against a nearby police car and took in a few deep breaths, doing his best to maintain his composure. As he focused on the simple act of not falling over, he heard Daniella's battle cry as she attacked one of the robots. 'She's skilled. We're gonna need more of that if we're gonna survive this.'

Then Daniella began to fall as she attacked another robot. Without thinking, Carl climbed on top the police car he was leaning on to get a better angle at the robot, but that move took too much out of him physically. He attempted to prepare a shot, but before he could get the robot in his sights, Billy swooped into it, saving Daniella. Probably for the best, too, since Carl's hand was shaking too much to get a good shot in the first place.

With everyone more or less safe for the time-being, Carl climbed down from the car and slumped down against it. He let out a sigh of relief as he peeked around the street. The robots were being pushed back by the NYPD. Or were the machines slowly pulling back? There was another squad of the smaller robots with nets showing up, so maybe it was a tactical withdrawal. 'Tactics... another thing we could use right now.' But he still needed a second to rest, so he wouldn't be coming up with any genius ideas at the moment. "Guys, we need a plan." He did his best to speak loud enough so his teammates could hear him, but he was tired, and in need of a nap. 'Maybe The Sleeper can put me to sleep later. Does his power work on others?'

[Alura]

From her awkward angle, Daniella wrenched at the handle of the axe as the second robot turned. She looked up just in time to see a falcon arrow through the faceplate of the robo-henchman. She sat down hard, axe coming with her and hitting the ground as she was momentarily dazed by the sparking carnage. Still, the clink of metal hitting the paving and the sizzle of shorting circuitry snapped her out of her dazzled state. Rubbing her eyes, her wrist came away bloody and she touched her cheek where a bit of the faceplate had caught her.

Furrowing her brow she stood, axe once more in hand as she felt the light weight of the peregrine falcon hopping up the handle. She could have sworn it greeted her with a nod. Half-smiling she nodded her thanks in return.

"Good looking out, Archosaur!"

He launched himself once more, narrowly avoiding a bola that went rotating past his quick frame. She turned towards the robot who had sent it and began a fawn-legged stride towards it in order to bring her axe down into the face plate of the final of the third original robots who had pressed the NYPD nearest her when she moved out of the white conference room and its offices.

That done, The North Face adopted a limping run toward The Sleeper and Captain Awesome at the police cruiser, glancing up only long enough to survey the sky for their remaining partner. It was only a few steps with her face upturned before she tripped on a crack in the concrete and went flying in a very ungraceful way, broken shoe going one way while the axe went another. Exasperated by the yard sale and the proximity of her face to the ground, The North Face rose and collected her shoe. Shoving her swollen foot back into it, she switched feet and balanced awkwardly on what she hoped was just a sprain long enough to snap off the remaining heel of the other shoe. Glaring at it for a heartbeat as though she could melt it with her eyes, she flung it away. That made running easier at least and she gimped along. When she was close enough to the others she called out to them.

"Are you injured?"

She heard Captain Awesome say something about a plan, but she was still a bit too far away to catch the details. When she had closed the remaining distance she was a bit winded, but rested a hand against the car and leaned on it with a groan while saying, "I- I remembered- something inside."

The North Face threw the axe across the hood of the car and waved to it, glad to have the weight removed for a moment.

"The fire sprinkler system. Do you think - " she paused for a few breaths and to lift her knee against the car to ease the strain on her throbbing ankle. "Do you think if we set it off it would short-circuit the rest of them? Everyone has to be clear of the building by now. W-wouldn't you think?"

She breathed deeply through her nose and held the air in her lungs before measuredly releasing it in an effort to slow her wild heart rate. This was definitely not what she had expected from day one of hero work.

[Yggdrasil_Hugger]

Billy circled overhead, his keen falcon eyes watching the robotic onslaught. They seemed to be moving backward, either retreating or actually being pushed back by the officers. The North Face executed another robot with her fire ax, then began to hobble to a police cruiser, where Captain Awesome and the Sleeper were crouched down. With a quick maneuver of his cobalt and cream wings, he banked down and landed on the window of the cruiser. He gave a quick squawk and returned to human form, still perched on the window.

"Ow." he groaned as he sat up, his knees and palms scraped and bleeding slightly. He blew on the raw areas, shaking his hands as if wind would heal them.

"The fire sprinkler system. Do you think - " pausing for a few breaths, slightly gasping, she lifted her knee against the car. "Do you think if we set it off it would short-circuit the rest of them? Everyone has to be clear of the building by now. W-wouldn't you think?"

"I mean, given how shoddily made these guys are, I doubt they're waterproof." He looked around the group, to the North Face, who was catching her breath, to Captain Awesome, who was shaking more than one of those door-stopper thingies, and the Sleeper, who looked on the verge of conking out. "I can get in the building the fastest (probably) to trigger the sprinkler system. I'll go." Without waiting to see if the others had any objections, he rolled his shoulders forward, took a deep breath, and changed for the third time today.

Light grey feathers sprouted as his arms turned into wide, broad wings. He grew shorter, but not by much. His face became bright orange as his lips and nose turned into a brilliant yellow beak. His thighs grew black feathers while his shins turned became covered in light pink scales. Finally, his curled hair became long black feathers that pointed every which way behind his head. The Archosaur had become a secretarybird, a bizarre animal 4 feet tall with the body of an eagle and the legs of a crane.

He scuttled off towards the building, intent on getting to the sprinkler system.

[InfraredHero]

Carl scanned the surroundings once again. Daniella, Billy, and James were starting to gather around in the same general area. The NYPD was still working on the firefight with the robots, but it was slowly starting to come to a stand-still as the machines continued to pull back. At the moment, the heroes had a moment to catch their breath. But they couldn't rest too long. Daniella and Billy were already working on figuring out what to do, and rightly so. This was a warzone, after all.

Carl watched as Billy transformed into another bird and headed off towards the building. Then he turned back to Daniella and James. But James was... asleep? "Hey man, we got a job to do." Carl said as he shook The Sleeper's shoulder, but it was futile. The man was not going to wake up any time soon. "Looks like it's just us now," Carl uttered to Daniella. For a second he thought of going back to his fantasy of heroics, but he fought off the urge.

"Well, if bird man is doing that, maybe we can continue helping the NYPD fight off the evil robots." Carl pitched his idea to his ally. "Or, if the bad boys are really after us, maybe we should run away. I know of a superhero hideout not far from here. We could go there and wait all this out." Carl didn't like the idea of running away from his chance to finally be a hero, but what could he do? His power was absolutely useless, and he wouldn't be able to take much more physically before he was down for the count. But he did hope, deep down, that Daniella would be down to continue the fight.

--

Back inside the building, The Assistant was going through a file cabinet in a dark room. He was flipping through folders, reading a glimpse of what the contents were in each one. They were files on superheroes in New York. In the way back of the cabinet were the folders he was looking for. Files on the people who weren't taken by Doctor Evil. The "Extraordinarily Useless" heroes. But most of them were already contacted to join the team initially. And most didn't show up.

Getting to the back of the useless heroes, he found a few that hadn't been contacted yet. He picked one out and read through it. "No, this is a literal child. That won't work." He put the folder back and grabbed another one. "Hmm, she might work." He pulled out his phone and sent a text message. "Starshine Morganstern, the world needs your help." The message also contained a small summary of the Boss Man's briefing from earlier, and directions to get to the team.