Originally Posted by
19Maria127
"Hey" someone shouts. And Maria turns around
"Er yeah" Maria replied
"What lesson do you have next? I have science in room 208."asks Sam
"Er..... Let me check..." Maria turns a few pages in her book till she gets to her lesson timetable.
"Hmm I'm in the same room as you." Maria says just as the bell rang for next lesson and walks with sam to the science room. "Wait who is this teacher?" Maria asks looking at the teachers name under the lesson.
"Oh...him he's the new but very strict English teacher." Sam says
Hmm. I think it's universally accepted that the first paragraph of your story is the most important. There should be some sort of tension and conflict present even from the get go. I would suggest starting off with a bit more of a bang.
This is just a normal day for me, Monday to Friday school days. Yes I'm just a normal high school kid just trying to get my GCSE's and to get a job. I have made some good friends who are just like me want to work hard to get their GCSE's I just didn't realize how much they were like me until the inevitable happened. That one night my dad tells me a horror story, I've always loved horror I'd often imagine myself being a werewolf knowing that their would be pain but thinking it would be worth it in the end. IT'S NOT. Now I know what your thinking, how could you possibly know that. Well for starters I don't you always hear story's about werewolves and vampires changing into what they are for the first time. You hear that the person who has been bitten by a vampire will be in excruciating pain for a few days all the while their bones elongate and are snapping and rearranging. It's not pleasant, but what I do know is that having magical powers or horns growing out of your head or something else that is really hard to hide will get found out sooner rather than later. Sometimes when the scientists found out that super natural creatures and people existed they tried to capture you and use you for their experiments.
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I understand that you feel this is important. But backstory somewhat jars the reader out of it. Try and keep it in the present and active.
Anyways my school day was going quite well I enjoyed some of the classes and actually learned how to ride a horse imagine that horse riding lessons in school! Maria also had Art which she thoroughly enjoyed as it allowed her creativity to grow, she just loved drawing winged horses. She thought it was one of the easiest things to draw. After Art was P.E for which she had a letter for the teacher about my so called 'condition' that's what Maria's mum called it when she was talking or writing to other people, her p.e teacher was cool with it and told her to sit in the corner to keep out of the way of the basket ball players.
But all the trouble started with English, I came into the lesson with a note saying why my coat should be left on it read;
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Ok. So this is where the story actually starts. You should consider starting it here, then. This is where the initial tension and conflict are introduced, and where we get an idea about what is happening.
Dear Sir or Mrs
I am writing this letter to inform you of my daughters 'condition'
She has fully mobile wings and is capable of flying. This is a note
To allow her to be able to wear her coat in class and to be excused from
P.E she has to wear her coat until further notice, all she wants is to be
accepted and going to school with wings makes her look like a freak.
Yours sincerely Mrs Starfire
As the teacher read the note he was chuckling at what he saw and snorted as he finished reading it. "Get up." the teacher said calmly at first. I continue writing not realizing that he was talking to me.
"GET UP!!" he roars as his face contorted in anger Maria looks up at the teacher "who....me?" she asks. "yes you!" he says pointing a fat stubby finger at Maria.
"what have I done sir?" she asked
"what have you done! What have you done!" he shouts "do you think I'm stupid, is that what this is. I'm a new teacher and you decide to pull a prank?!!" he roars waving the note in the air. "Take off your coat." he sighs
"But sir the note..."
"No buts, take off your coat." he replies sternly
"okay sir," Maria mumbles and walks towards the cost rack. "...Let me hang up my coat." and as she does so she keeps her back facing the wall where she folds her wings tightly against her back so at first no one can see them. Then Maria turns around walking back towards her seat and as she does so she hears startled gasps, still walking towards her seat she hard the teacher say "How stupid do you think I am?" and he swiftly got out from behind his desk and graded her wing.
Poor kid! Yes. This is indeed where you have your tension and plot forming. Everything before this (where I left the comment about the story beginning) is backstory and doesn't really grip the reader. But this definitely more exciting.
Maria instantly goes into defence mode. She spreads her wings to her full length hitting the teacher in the shoulder. She turns around to face him "Don't ever touch me or my wings again." she growls. She turns around, once more continuing her journey to her seat when he grabs Maria's wing again and twists.
Conflicting Beast (please read and comment.)((Bear in mind it's not quite finished.))
My apologies if critiques weren't what you were looking for. Working on grammar, punctuation and sentence structure can make your writing go a long way. I started writing back when I was 10 years old, before I started getting serious about writing and all the technical grammar things that went along with it. Thinking back on all the things that I didn't know, I'd probably cringe if I read some of my earliest writings.
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