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Thread: Round 2: RedKayne vs. Ma1chbox (Judge: ~N~)

  1. #11
    Crimson Casanova
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    I will not lose my life tonight...

    I will continue on... I shall find him...

    And I will save my older brother.



    This is Captain Malstrom's one true objective - ever since entering this tournament of titans. The templar abandoned her career in the Holy Order... to become the champion and obtain information on her brother's whereabouts. Many members of the Templar Order believe the man to be dead at this point - but Elena knows better. The woman's older brother is the strongest person she has ever known, and his stalwart willpower rivals her own. Kyril is very dear to her heart, and she will never abandon the notion of rescuing him.

    "I welcome this challenge, foe," Elena muttered under her breath. "But I will be victorious," she promised. Those gray eyes watched as a golden silhouette jumped from a small hole within the desecrated airship. Her adversary appeared to be a brilliant star, which shot down towards the Tempest Knight like a meteorite. The two combatants will have one final clash, and the endgame has finally commenced. Elena had to strengthen her resolve, because she needed to... defeat... this opponent.

    And here he comes... just as I planned... now I can-

    A drop of water splattered against the mage-knight's suit of armor. It was a minuscule drop, but it already began to heavily affect the young woman contained within. A cold shiver ran up her spine, and her pale skin perspired. The pupils of her gray eyes dilated as more drops of rain reverberated across her armor. A heavy downpour quickly followed thereafter, and Malstrom's breathing became exasperated - as if she was suffocating within her own plate-mail.

    The vision of Raava's luminescent outline blurred into a darker image, as if the disciple was nothing more than an illusion. Eyes of blue-flame flared from the descending figure, and obsidian armor encased the individual within. The black knight drew upon a large scythe, practically symbolizing the Grim Reaper.

    Death has arrived... and the Cold Emperor once again took its form.

    "Die"

    The Knight of Destruction's familiar - yet sinister - voice echoed within Elena's mind. This single word practically paralyzed the templar, and she could feel her chest tighten... she could no longer breathe.


    Die.

    Die.

    Die.

    Die.





    NOT THIS TIME


    Splatter!


    Elena gritted her teeth together, fighting back a scream down her throat. Tears seeped from the corners of her eyes, as an unbearable physical pain overtook her body.

    Don't look at it... especially don't look at the blood... just solely focus upon the pain.

    Captain Malstrom's grip on her dagger's hilt slightly loosened, before she pulled out the small blade from her left shoulder. She immediately the Blessed Dagger and let it fall down the atmosphere. The templar's breathing was extremely labored, but she managed to halt her PTSD symptoms from reactivating in this crucial moment. This is the prime reason why she drew upon the dagger, so she can inflict pain upon herself - even though it disabled her own left arm from further. Yet, it was the ideal strategy, and Elena is allowed to resume her grand plan without being imprisoned in her own mind. She will everything in her willpower to be victorious, because she had the fighting Spirit of a Goddess.

    Malstrom's eyes reopened, and rapidly blinked away tears from the stinging pain. She could feel the red liquid dripping from her vicious shoulder wound, and the sensation of the pierced armor metal scraping against the flesh only heightened the pain. All of this only helped Elena to focus upon the pain - and ignore the sight of the rain downpour upon her. She successfully fought her mental disorder, and its time initiate her final assault.


    Most Noble... I show thee gratitude...


    For allowing Humanity's Determination...


    To manifest within your humble servant...



    The Tempest Knight raised up her right arm, and outstretched it to point it towards the opposition. "I apologize, if we were under different circumstances... perhaps I could save you, too," she muttered under her breath, a hint of regret in her voice. The disciple, Raava, honestly reminded the Captain about her own brother's fate - a cursed individual trapped in a dark path.

    Except... in this case... Raava is not her brother.


    Bless this poor soul before me, Lord Luthious...

    Ease his pain and suffering...

    And allow his scarred soul find peace in Your light.



    The holy templar uttered a prayer for her opponent, knowing very well she would take his life. The Captain wasn't just confident about her next attack, she was fully aware that he cannot escape from it. At this point, Elena already noticed the large vessel shifted itself into a full-dive plunge towards both combatants. Charon's madman of a captain only wished to eliminate fighters, but his wish will not be granted.

    The mage-knight no longer held the Blessed Dagger, and her own electrical spells were ready to burst. Her entire right arm became enshrouded with a radiant light, and became a conductor for the next spell. Suddenly, high up in the sky and miles above the airship itself - a bolt of lightning was suddenly formed... and shot down.

    The Tempest Knight is capable of summoning a lightning bolt, which is normally used as a charged up attack before sending it directly to her opponent. However, in this scenario, there was a certain individual in between both Elena and the lightning bolt... Raava.

    From the very beginning of this match, the Captain observed and took advantage of their surroundings. They were high up in altitude and riding atop an airship... and from there, a plan formulated within the templar's calculating mind. She needed to conserve her energy for a lightning bolt spell, which is why she avoided the usage of mana throughout this entire battle.

    Initially, Malstrom intended to jump off the ship, and during the free-fall, the electromancer would summon a bolt of lightning to strike the hot air balloon. The subsequent consequence would be a colossal, fiery explosion that would engulf the ship and Raava with it. The Tempest Knight herself would have been a safe distance away from that airship's detonation. However, due to the disciple's unexpected tactic of utilizing the cannonball, Elena had to slightly improvise her strategy.

    Raava would be the direct target of the lightning bolt, instead.


    No matter the trials... Lord...


    Even if The Sky is Burning... I have faith...


    Your Light shall bestow truth upon all...



    Lightning, according to the laws of physics, moves in jagged steps - not in straight lines. In this manner, the electrical surge shot downward in a diagonal manner - zigzagging across the stormy weather. It happened in a blur of a second, and the lightning bolt basically sneaked beneath the spiraling airship - completely avoiding it. Yet, the voltage current remained true to its trajectory, and the target itself.

    It is common knowledge to understand that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound - and thus, no thunder shall warn Malstrom's adversary. Not until it was too late. There would be no warning of an incoming attack from behind - which would ideally shatter the crystalline being.

    Captain Malstrom also considered the possibility of her opponent somehow managing to dodge the initial attack. The faceless creature could also have magical spells in reserve, such as a teleportation ability to avoid the attack. Raava is still doomed for defeat, regardless.

    This spell is a two-phased attack. The first phase is not traditionally used to strike blows. If Raava dodges the lightning bolt, it will contact the Tempest Knight instead. From there, Elena will instantly redirect the divine lightning bolt back at her opponent and smite him.

    Then, there was also another possible inconvenience. If Malstrom does manage to slay the luminescent warrior with the spell, but doesn't shatter him into thousands of pieces... she would still be dealing with a four-hundred pound carcass falling directly at her.

    That is why she still has a Bolting spell in reserve. It was another perfect reason why she didn't utilize that ability earlier. Even after using the incredibly taxing lightning spell, Captain Malstrom's mana pool is capable of one last resort.

    Finally, the questions remains on how Elena Malstrom would survive, after the defeat of her opponent. Well, from what the templar's perspective - upon the victory of the previous battle, she was instantly teleported to the next battle. Hopefully, the gods of this tournament would apply that same rule in this match. However, Elena could not help but have a small doubt in her mind. If Charon's captain is truly one of the deities supervising this tournament, it seems he is doing everything in his power to destroy both contenders.

    Yet, the lady was unconcerned with the maniac's efforts. She entrusted herself to the one true God, whom shall grant her safe passage from this battle. Elena Malstrom was Born Anew as the Tempest Knight, and she will continue being humanity's stalwart defender.

  2. #12
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    It was the moment of truth. Two great souls intertwined, locked together in glorious single combat. Each one was its own entity, one of a kind their very own way, but in the intense heat of battle, in those precious, crucial moments, they were none too different from one another. In the end, they were both just two warriors fighting to the death… and for what? The amusement of the eternal deities and the millions of their angels? They who look down upon the two and watch as they attempt to rip out each others’ throats like dogs in a cage? They were no more than… pawns. Yes, pawns. Pawns in a twisted game of life and death, and whatever lies in between. Pawns driven by the hopes that maybe, just, maybe, they might get promoted to queen.

    It was a humbling thought, truly it was. To many, it would have been insulting, even. Knowing that your best efforts, your suffering, then, are but mere antics to the gods? The mere notion alone would be enough to cast most down into the dark pit that is despair… but not Raava. Not him, not the shining disciple, the chosen student of the traitorous prophet. In fact, it was the opposite. Knowing this cynical truth, and accepting it in its barest and rawest form is what drives him forward, and what makes him a danger to those who stand in his way. Unlike others, who sought glory or reward, Raava sought death. He would just as easily watch himself burn as he would watch the world burn, and he would stand there, smiling in the ashes like a madman.

    This was because deep down inside him, beneath all the layers of crystal and fire, deep beneath the death throes of a dying star, there lay a force more powerful than any other in the known universe: hatred. Its fires burned with a force hotter than that of a thousand suns, and a thousand more combined. In a way, that was his power. Hatred. Not resilience, not telekinetic manipulation, not the control of light, no. It was hatred. He possessed the ability to do anything and everything for the simple fact that he had nothing to lose… no, it went beyond having nothing to lose. His loss would be his victory. No longer would he be bound to the traitorous prophet’s will. His death will come, and when it comes, his watch will have ended.

    Suddenly, reality came to play again. The time for inner monologues would have to be set aside. After all, the games were not yet over.

    In the final, most crucial moments, when the victor would be decided, everything seemed to move slowly. It was as if the world was solemn as it looked on at the two warriors, the knight and the disciple. It seemed that their deaths would be to the oddly quiet sound of rain.

    Raava, while streaking through midair like a bright yellow meteorite, finally ceased to glow. In a split second, his obscured, indeterminate form became visible once more as the bright yellow aura faded in the wind. The mangled, heavily damaged mass that was his midsection that moments before was a gaping canyon of loosened crystal was now but a mere dented line across the gut. The small cracks that painted his body like a macabre form of art were now mostly gone, and those that were left were ultimately ignorable. With a flick of his wrist, his sunspheres twitched, signaling that they could once more be used.

    Just before his crystalline body finished reforming itself, two of Raava’s ethereal arms shot straightened out forwards. In that instant, two corresponding sunspheres exploded in a shower of embers and headed straight for the freefalling templar. They moved menacingly and with great speed as if they were dangerous projectiles that numbered in the hundreds, but no, they were something else entirely.

    In front of the templar captain’s view, Raava appeared, seemingly out of thin air. The duplicate clung onto her tightly a spider onto its prey, but instead of attacking, it simply looked her in the eye with a haunting, dead stare that was void of any human soul… and gave off a blood-curdling howl. At around the same moment, it began to glow brightly as well, blocking her entire field of vision with a wall of yellow light.

    Meanwhile, some ways behind the perfect duplicate, the real Raava had leaned back and righted himself. Gracefully, like a master of martial arts, two more ghostly yellow arms swept slow semi-circles around him, bringing his last two sunspheres directly behind his torso. His enemy was no doubt distracted now, and it was time to act.

    With all the force he could muster, he brought them forwards, smashing them with great force directly into his own back. Large chips of crystal flew off him upon contact, creating two shallow craters with grapefruit-sized indents in the middle. This act of self-harm, however, was not simply for show. The sheer force of the strike propelled Raava forwards even faster, bringing his speed up to almost that of a bullet, so to speak.

    If he was going down, then by all means, so was his foe…

    … And then lightning struck. Moments before impact, his back, already damaged by his double self-strike, had been targeted by a strong bolt of plasma and electricity that shook throughout his entire being. Beneath the network of web-like cracks and the remaining layers of crystal, a clean and precise Lichtenberg figure formed in a split second, turning the once translucent mass seemingly more solid-looking, even though Raava himself was now physically anything but more solid. Still, the plan had already been set in motion. As always, despite the damage taken, the disciple kept his eyes locked on his target, who by now should still be deaf, blind, and stunned. His fate was no longer in his hands. Not like it ever was, anyway.
    Spoiler:  

    Currently on hiatus (possibly for good)

  3. #13
    Dragon Goddess <3 ~N~'s Avatar
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    Fire, smoke, rain, and lightning.

    It all came hurtling towards the Earth. All of the elements of the world swirled into play like some cataclysm, fighters, ship, captains, three fates, three forces, spiraling downwards with fatalistic momentum.

    Spiraling towards death. When Malstorm and Raava locked again with each other, one last time, lightning exploded forth, hitting both in a momentous strike that lit up the brooding sky. Thunder pealed forth, and rumbled out this moment of judgment in its earthshaking power, crashing down upon the world like a monstrous wave. And with it, came the mad captain, joining the chorus of fire and wreckage that fell from the heavens like fiery meteors.

    In the oncoming collision, ~N~ released the captain's wheel, now but a spinning ornament on a doomed vessel. Rappelling over to the anchor, by way of the rigging and mast, he pulled up on its iron clamps and let it slip free, plunging down below on its black, heavy chain, right towards the two combatants. With a single bound, the mad captain swan dived right off the side of the ship, and grabbed the chain, pulling it down, riding it down with him as he swung closer to the fighters.

    With one last stretch, he grabbed Raava's neck, wrenching him backwards and twisting him over his hip and around. "You're coming with me, traitor. You sunk my ship, and I'm talking you straight to the briny crushing depths for your treacherous ways!" The mad captain, with the suicidal disciple as his prisoner, barely managed to avoid the massive hulk of the burning airship as it crashed down upon Captain Malstrom, bearing all its weight upon her and condemning her body to its fate.

    Like an errant meteor shard, ~N~ and Raava, bound to their own fate, barreled towards the sea, where the ocean deformed with a massive shape many times larger than that of the abandoned airship. This monstrous Leviathan breached the crystal clear water's surface with sublime power and cresting up above the waves it emerged from, opened its cavernous maw.

    In the next moment, the legendary sea beast closed its watery jaws around ~N~ and Raava and plunged into the depths once more with a tidal crash....

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    There were three extensions given during this battle: One for Kayne, Two for Ma1chbox. Despite this, their total amount of extra time came out to about the same: ~12 hours. As both amounts totaled less than 24 hours, I am choosing not to deduct these extensions from your scores.
    However, all things being equal, Ma1chbox, your second extension was not requested, and represented a slip on your part for keeping track of your deadlines. As such, I'm deducting half a point for that from your total. If your combined extensions had represented a total amount of time noticeably greater than that which Red Kayne was granted, I would've deducted an additional amount beyond this; however, each of yours totaled 6 extra hours (give or take some odd minutes) while Kayne received 12 hours total in one.

    So, as it it stands, before any judging for the categories below, Ma1chbox begins with a 0.5 point deduction for going beyond the deadline without requesting an extension on his second extension occurrence.

    On to the judging...

    Writing Style:

    • Artistry and Complexity (creativity/originality, risky techniques and intricate details that enrich the post, unusual structuring and changing styles)


    RedKayne, you utilized techniques I recognized from my own fights in the Rumble last year, with the changing format of your font, and its positioning, as well as accompanying your posts with musical soundtracks. It's clear you've paid attention to the best fighters of the past, and have incorporated their practices into your own. And particularly, I thought your first post was among your best. In that post, you used the bold and centering to highlight my captain's words, as they interlaced and interrupted Malstrom's observations, thoughts, and memories, all of which were critical to her character. You did this in real time, and the bolding and centering offset and broke her thoughts very well.

    But, not all application of writing maneuvers were equally warranted or as clearly functional (such is the risk of experimentation, that it sometimes doesn't always work so well). Your third post moved the lines from right justified to left, and while the blue coloration of the lines and their positioning set them apart, it did that in a way that was aesthetically less than pleasing, and perhaps separated them too much in meaning and integration with what your post was trying to say.

    The fourth post continued this experiment, and it now seemed to represent Malstrom's thoughts, or a prayer, and then certain words were colored yellow, which I wondered about, but I thought that the font size change and italics of "NOT THIS TIME" was actually the most effective part there, since the font form matched and aided in the expressing of its content. I commend you for your experimentation, and I believe that as you continue to try new forms, you will get a better feel for which aesthetics work best with your content and message, and which detract from it. As someone who has, in his own posts, risked much in experimentation, that is the risk and cost for making truly exceptional prose.

    I award you 2.75 points for the parts that worked well, as well as the parts that did not.

    Ma1chbox, Your writing was more conservative, however, your use of italics was well placed, and your writing in general I found to be sound and broken up into parts that made sense, representing the progression of thoughts, action, and events in an evenly coherent fashion. Where RedKayne's post were more uneven in their substance and focus depending on the subject material, yours delivered a consistent account that took all things into an even proportion. This lent your posts a solid consistency and coherence that made them smooth.

    However, I personally wonder what you could do if you were to put music or style flourishes in your words. I wonder if you could take your skilled grasp of words and accentuate them further with formatting changes that would further highlight and provide aesthetic embellishment to the different perspectives and aspects of your posts. I would like to see more from you in the future in that regard.

    I'm awarding you 2.25 points for a solid style that conveyed your content well, but was fairly conservative in its approach.

    • Fluidity and Clarity (Ease of following the action of the post, and smoothness in reading and understanding it)


    RedKayne, again, as mentioned above, I thought your first post was excellent in carrying the content and emphasizing it in a way that made the setting and your characters thoughts and memories all flow clearly into line. Everything played together, without anything dominating the spotlight. The same could not be said later on, when it seemed, for example in your third post that the memories and blue lines actually threw off the rhythm of events and broke the flow of the action. Admittedly, you alternated sequentially through these applications, but that didn't result in a post that was either playing coherently, or meaningfully. It seemed that the symphony you had in the first post had now begun to play their separate songs that just happened to be in the same room, and in the third post, it jolted the reader back and forth between those songs in a way that contributed to confusion, rather than coherence.

    I award you 2.50 points here.

    Ma1chbox, I thought your posts flowed well, for the most part. Some of your maneuvers were difficult to work through, your flips and turns and such, as in your first post. I would work on making sure those are more clearly written in the future. However, I thought that Raava's thoughts, his observations, his progression of actions all made sense, and followed on each other rather well (even when he was doing something some might call "mad"). In this respect, I think you actually outperformed Kayne for flow and clarity. This is where your grasp of writing style and conventions played to your favor.

    I award you 2.75 points here.


    • Conventions (grammar/spelling/punctuation)


    RedKayne, same as before, your first post was your best. And then... something strange happened with your tenses. You started, as you went along in your second, third, and fourth posts, writing in the future tense like you were planning this all out in some hypothetical future as in the following examples from those three posts:

    "Captain Malstrom recognized the limitations of her mental health, but she will take necessary precautions to protect herself.

    She will not allow the Cold Emperor to interfere this time." (Post 2)

    "Yes, she would also utilize risky techniques, but she would also consider the possible positive outcomes. In this instance, the Captain is self-assured that she will be victorious even though the battle will no longer directly take place on the ship." (Post 3)

    "Captain Malstrom also considered the possibility of her opponent somehow managing to dodge the initial attack. The faceless creature could also have magical spells in reserve, such as a teleportation ability to avoid the attack. Raava is still doomed for defeat, regardless.

    This spell is a two-phased attack. The first phase is not traditionally used to strike blows. If Raava dodges the lightning bolt, it will contact the Tempest Knight instead. From there, Elena will instantly redirect the divine lightning bolt back at her opponent and smite him.

    Then, there was also another possible inconvenience. If Malstrom does manage to slay the luminescent warrior with the spell, but doesn't shatter him into thousands of pieces... she would still be dealing with a four-hundred pound carcass falling directly at her.

    That is why she still has a Bolting spell in reserve. It was another perfect reason why she didn't utilize that ability earlier. Even after using the incredibly taxing lightning spell, Captain Malstrom's mana pool is capable of one last resort." (Post 4)

    This presented the reader with a constantly changing tense as well as perspective (because you seemed to scope out to some kind of omniscient 3rd person narrator describing things from afar in those posts at times, as opposed to the more personal, intimate 3rd person limited perspective you had at the beginning in the first post) that was altogether disconcerting and perplexing. For all your "planned" maneuvers in the final post, you are not allowed to telegraph out reactions in any situation in preparation for hypothetical future happenings that you're unable to actually write out. This is the limitation of the Rumble, the four posts you get to do the best you can do in those posts.

    I would suggest working on maintaining a consistent perspective and tense in your posts in the future, or more skillfully weaving them in a manner that doesn't break the reader's connection to the timing and perspective of the events.

    I award you 1.75 points for breaking perspective and tense on significant occasions.

    Ma1chbox, again, your conventional style helped you here and you shifted from omniscient third person narrative to personal 3rd person narrative smoothly. I felt that you could've risked more, but your style conventionality served your conventions well. You risked less, and could handle what you did with enough skill to make it smooth.

    I award you 3.00 points for consistent, well-managed prose. Now, do more with it in the future.

    Effectiveness of Combat:
    • Character Consistency (How well do the actions of the character in the post reflect or fit who/what they are, their capabilities, and their limitations?)


    RedKayne, I loved the opening. Can I just say that? Again? What more poignant, perfect experience to open with on an airship flown by a mad captain under attack than a young girl, a sister, hanging on to dear life from a cliff, saved by the last moment by her brother.

    It was perfect. And that particular memory mattered here for obvious reasons. But then... post three, you open with this:

    "It was odd... how the sun remained unchanged after that fateful day...

    It truly shows that mother nature is apathetic...

    After spending an infinite aeon of observing humanity's worst...

    By taking a few step backwards, Captain Malstrom would fall into the oblivion of the sky. A clumsy step or a foolish error - and it would all be over. Yet, the Tempest Knight held no fear, and stood there in a confident manner. She was ready to face her opponent, despite being weaponless and defenseless. There was a brief silence of anticipation as Elena ignored the roaring gales around her, and she strictly paid attention to her adversary's next move."

    Wait. What? Where's the little girl whose first lines, our first introduction to her, were "Somebody, save me!" I get that the girl has become the knight. I get she's older now, more experienced, more courageous. But that memory mattered. And now it doesn't seem to anymore. I was hoping to see a fight with someone who was bravely facing a central fear in a pivotal moment in her life to courageously fight on. But she's stepping to the edge here without even so much as blinking.

    You spoke of her mental limitations, but after that first post, you didn't show us as much through her eyes how they played. You told us they were there, but you didn't make us feel them through her eyes.

    This paragraph captures it: "To free fall through the air - while among the clouds - is certainly a surreal experience. The suit of armor deflected away the hissing winds from Elena's skin, but the mage-knight's heart still palpated from the incredible sensation. Despite being high in altitude, the vivid imagination of crashing against the ground - an instant death - would unnerve anyone. The Captain could only find comfort by logically reasoning with herself - this was her original plan of strategy from the very beginning. The Templar had to fight through the mortal fear of death. There were still a couple more steps to proceed with her strategy, before the endgame commences. Honestly, it was remarkable that Elena still had a plan to work with, regardless of several unexpected events. She has to slightly improvise due to Raava's last action, but the outcome would remain unchanged."

    She's fighting through the fear of death, the plunge, but it's part of her plan? Logic? When one is in the grips of a childhood fear and memory coming back into their lives at such a moment, logic blows away like dust in the wind. Emotions rule the day. What is she feeling? Can she hear her heartbeat as it hammers in her chest? Is she blinking back tears? Is she taking hurried breaths? Is she losing control in this one situation where she's literally in free fall and all of her control is slipping away? Yes, there's the plan but where's the girl? Where's her nightmare? Where's her humanity? The struggle that blows the flickering torch of logic around like its plaything? Wheres the girl with chattering teeth mouthing her prayers not in serenity but in desperate hope, clinging to the faith that her gods will save her against all odds?

    I want to know your Malstrom intimately, and I was all in at the beginning. But then you took her away from me and told me in prose that seemed like I was getting her condition through Morse code. In the end, you brought back her humanity through the stylistics of your words, "NOT THIS TIME!" and for a brief glimpse, I felt that girl again, that brave girl.

    But I felt that Kayne the writer became too dominant in Malstrom the knight, and turned her from what she is into what he is. John Keats talks about "negative capability": the need for a writer to empty himself of himself in order to fill himself up with his characters. In this case, I believe this is good advice for you to take your writing to next level, Kayne. Forsake yourself. Become your characters. Feel what they feel, not what you would feel. Think what they think, not what you would think. Speaking personally, I try to do this with all of my characters. I have my limits, so I tend to favor characters that share characteristics with myself, which makes it easier to become them, but for example, in last year's Rumble, playing a lowly goblin (which I've done before), I can't write that goblin like I would write myself (a goblin isn't an intelligent being who is overly confident, for example). He wouldn't make the same decisions, he wouldn't act the same way I would. If I wanted him to do something, I had to think of a way that would be true to the goblin he was to get him there. And if I couldn't do that, I tried to think of something else. I think you can do this, but you missed significant opportunities to bring us into the heart and head of Malstrom here.

    Also, again, I smiled when I saw you picked a character whose gender differed from your own. That requires a leap, an unsexing of yourself to get there. A woman faces a notably different set of challenges and paths to success in many cases than a man. You are trying things here that make me wonder what you can do with more practice.

    I award you 2.50 points for your efforts, for consistent prayers, knightly behavior, and playing a character that presented you with a few significant challenges in who she was, and for making her one I wanted to know, even if I felt unfortunately distanced from her at times.

    (wow, that went long)

    Ma1chbox, who is Raava? I wondered this throughout my reading of your character. He's a dichotomy of peace and madness that shines through in your last post more clearly than any previous:

    "It was a humbling thought, truly it was. To many, it would have been insulting, even. Knowing that your best efforts, your suffering, then, are but mere antics to the gods? The mere notion alone would be enough to cast most down into the dark pit that is despair… but not Raava. Not him, not the shining disciple, the chosen student of the traitorous prophet. In fact, it was the opposite. Knowing this cynical truth, and accepting it in its barest and rawest form is what drives him forward, and what makes him a danger to those who stand in his way. Unlike others, who sought glory or reward, Raava sought death. He would just as easily watch himself burn as he would watch the world burn, and he would stand there, smiling in the ashes like a madman.

    This was because deep down inside him, beneath all the layers of crystal and fire, deep beneath the death throes of a dying star, there lay a force more powerful than any other in the known universe: hatred. Its fires burned with a force hotter than that of a thousand suns, and a thousand more combined. In a way, that was his power. Hatred. Not resilience, not telekinetic manipulation, not the control of light, no. It was hatred. He possessed the ability to do anything and everything for the simple fact that he had nothing to lose… no, it went beyond having nothing to lose. His loss would be his victory. No longer would he be bound to the traitorous prophet’s will. His death will come, and when it comes, his watch will have ended."

    We get a glimpse here that differs greatly from the "Peace" we began with. The first time Kayne wrote, "An inhuman, blood-curdling scream echoed into the area, practically shattering the universe with its presence. Elena's gray eyes suddenly lowered her gaze, as if hearing clearly for the first time. This... individual... was suffering," I too realized, "Oh yeah! He did scream, didn't he?" And I went back, "Upon seeing her begin to make her move, Raava’s hiss grew silent for a second, but was then replaced by a thundering, blood-curdling scream that gave off a hint of the muffled echoes of the intense agony of a man trapped inside a small chamber against his will. Though he had no mouth, Raava’s haunting battlecry rang out loud enough to pierce even the deafening winds of the storm up ahead."

    But I didn't understand this man trapped against his will until the final moments. Of course, all that he did seemed madness, and yet we begin with one who is so seemingly composed that he barely registers what's going on around him. It was... like I wanted to hear him scream more.

    His actions matched his character, but I felt I didn't know who he was until the end. My suggestion for the future is to bring us into the world of this man, make us FEEL his torment, the torment that is encased behind the seemingly placid, smooth exterior. Let us see that difference right at the beginning. Let us see and feel what Raava sees and feels that matches his torment, makes him do the crazy things he does, makes us feel that burning hatred, that wish to end it all. Make us want to end it all with him in those final moments. Make us want to cry out, "PEACE! GIVE HIM PEACE! FOR MERCY'S SAKE!"

    I am awarding you 2.50 points for actions befitting a madman who just wants to die, but docking you points for not getting us past his shell as well as you could have.

    • Ingenuity (How well does the character handle situations in original, interesting, yet effective ways? Does the player simply repeat the same actions and put little thought in their moves, or do they provide interesting responses to the situations they’re in?)


    RedKayne, most of Malstrom's moves are "part of the plan." And it seems sometimes she's waiting for that plan to unfold. She does adapt and switch tactics, and does some things that frankly took me by surprise, like leaping off the ship. When I found out about the lightning I thought, "Ok, that's a nice twist." But for the most part, it's like you're waiting for the pieces to fall into place.

    Ma1chbox, you're insane. Using a cannon to fire upwards and sink the ship? Really? It reminded me of the proverb, "Don't use a cannon to kill a fly." And I delivered the results of your insanity to you accordingly. But you did surprise me, and it was a move I would've never predicted. Frankly, it seemed like something you just made up on the spot, and yet in spite of that, it was not out of character for Raava at all, given his suicidal nature.

    Both of you adapted and rolled well with the punches, but I'm giving this to one to Ma1ch for sheer unpredictability that changed the whole fight.

    RedKayne, I award you 2.75 points for adaptation and moving the pieces into position for your final (lightning) strike.

    Ma1chbox, I award you 3.00 points for changing the game with a move that didn't break character, as self-destructive and out-of-the-box as it was.

    • Choreography (How well does the character/player interact with the other player’s character? Is it like a battle dance? Or two rubber chickens banging their heads together?)


    Here I felt you were both evenly matched, because it seemed at times you were adapting and interacting with each other (in the beginning with the charges and change ups and the blasts; and at the end with plummeting death dives, interlocked and grappling with each other), and at times you were moving away from each other (Malstrom moving towards the end of the ship and off, Raava going below decks).

    You both receive 2.50 points.

    Control of the Field:
    • Environmental Awareness (How well do you roleplay awareness to the surrounding environmental conditions with your character, taking into account how they affect your character, positively and negatively?)


    RedKayne, your awareness of the environment was top notch, I thought. You noted particular details, you highlighted dialogue, you were aware of the changes in battlefield conditions. In some ways, your God's Eye narrative helped you here, allowing you to (like a general) take account of everything on the field.

    I award you 3.00 points. Flawless.

    Ma1chbox, I also felt you did well with this. I laughed when you noted in passing the lack of crew, but in Raava's fury, it seemed several times that nothing else mattered beyond himself and what he was attempting to do that moment. While that is in character, I felt you could've accounted for the environment more in ways that showed Raava ignoring things, sometimes to his own peril. There are opportunities for you to describe things like the mayhem, the cannonballs, the thunder, and the rain in more vivid detail, to note particular pieces of dialogue they way you noted the crew's absence. I know Raava is separate from it all in his shell, but help your readers to feel what he cannot, to hear and see what he pays less attention to than he should.

    I award you 2.60 points for accounting for details, but sometimes giving us little more than that.

    • Strategic Awareness (How well do you play off your character’s abilities, strengths and weaknesses in each situation/round? Are you aware of the ways that the environment and your opponent’s actions can affect your character? Are you able to anticipate and turn these to your advantage or minimize the damage to your own character effectively?)


    RedKayne, again, this situation should've been terrifying for Malstrom, but it didn't feel that way. And I felt--too often--that her Past (beyond the first post) interceded in disruptive and not clearly connected ways that took the reader outside of the fight too many times at moments where I wanted to be in the fight with Malstrom. Your awareness (noted above) of the environment is superb. But then her memories get in the way of utilizing this awareness in more dynamic ways. That third post... she drew her dagger.

    Was that all she could have done? Yes, there's a lot of inner contemplation going on, but could she not have perhaps taken another action besides falling and waiting, basically? I felt like all that reconnaissance that your environmental awareness gave you was not utilized to its maximum potential. I felt like you had your plan, and instead of changing the plan, you adapted to try to keep the plan you had, resulting in missed opportunities while you waited for the pieces to fall into place.

    I award you 2.50 points. You know what you want to do, but sometimes, you need to call an audible and change it up, like you did in the second post. Sometimes sticking with the plan is not in fact the best use of your abilities.

    Ma1chbox, I'm not even sure you had a plan. I felt you had an improvisational approach, that was reactive, but also adaptive and interesting. I think you put more than a few wrinkles in what everyone thought was the way things were going to go. But your character, despite all of his interesting choices, is certainly not interested in survival. Had RedKayne been able to capitalize on Raava's moments of self-destruction, I think this fight could have gone very differently at the end. As it is, the moments after the cannon maneuver went gracefully uncapitalized, sparing Raava when the moment was ripe to strike him a mortal blow (even if he might've wanted that).

    You lucked out.

    I award you 2.50 points as well, for reckless self-endangerment that could've ended the fight for you sooner than it did, but for that ingenuity you displayed in how you utilized your environment.

    • Control of the Fight (Did you maintain control of the situation? Was your opponent on their heels scrambling to meet your attacks, or were you on yours? If you were not in control for most of the fight, was there an impressive “turn” in the direction of the combat; did you turn the tables on your opponent in a decisive manner through surprise or cleverness?


    RedKayne, I award you points for your planning and control. In spite of it breaking character in ways I elaborated on above, I never felt like you were directionless. However, in keeping with your plan, you also missed opportunities (like I mention above as well), and lost momentum (particularly in that dreaded third post). In the end, Malstrom is falling, hoping against hope that something works in her favor. I could feel this from you as you tried to account for all the ways the fight could end. It felt like you were losing control, even as you tried to hold on to it. Like she was back on that cliff edge, with no brother to save her this time.

    I award you 2.50 points here.

    Ma1chbox, Raava gets the points for the cannon "turn" that changed this fight. He loses points for the cost of doing it. But in the end, it felt like he had recovered and once again seized the momentum.

    I award you 2.65 points here, since I felt you made better use of the time you were given, even if your control was always shaky.

    The totals are:

    RedKayne: 22.75 points

    Ma1chbox: 23.25 points

    Ma1chbox goes on to the Final Round.
    Last edited by ~N~; 09-17-2016 at 11:49 PM.

    Praise and credit goes to the lovely and talented Karma
    Spoiler: Commentary 

  4. #14
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    Alright guys, here is my judgement for the review. This battle was awesome!

    Writing Style:

    • Artistry and Complexity (creativity/originality, risky techniques and intricate details that enrich the post, unusual structuring and changing styles)


    RedKayne’s creativity in his writing outshined Ma1chbox. The use of different colors, different fonts, different alignments definitely helped break up the posts and made parts of them stand out and definitely made it interesting to read. Sometimes with the different alignments in the text, you could almost feel the thoughts swirling in Elena’s head.

    Ma1ch, you did have good use of italics and I could definitely feel the creativity in where you broke apart Raava’s thoughts, but it was far more conservative in the way it was laid out. I didn’t feel like in the complexity or unusual structuring that you really got out of your comfort zone.

    RedKayne- 3
    Ma1ch-2.25


    • Fluidity and Clarity (Ease of following the action of the post, and smoothness in reading and understanding it)


    When it comes to fluidity and clarity I feel that both combatants did rather well. Ma1ch there was only one or two times, where I had to read through some of your maneuvers a few times to understand exactly what was being done. Kayne, there were times where some of Elena’s thoughts did disturb the flow of the post a little as well. I’m awarding both combatants 2.75 points.

    • Conventions (grammar/spelling/punctuation)


    Both combatants again did very well here. Kayne there were times where you changed tenses in your posts where Ma1ch did not have those errors.

    RedKayne-2.5
    Ma1chbox-3


    Effectiveness of Combat:
    • Character Consistency (How well do the actions of the character in the post reflect or fit who/what they are, their capabilities, and their limitations?)


    Kayne, I felt the character consistency with Elena. I felt her drive to find her brother to save him. I felt the religious side of her that did not want to kill Ravaa, that she wanted to save him. I felt her fear as she hung from a cliff but was saved by a brother and calmed by his humor. I felt the connection between them. I felt the PTSD symptoms as “die” floated across the screen and in my mind. I never felt like you broke character. I always knew her goal, what her capabilities were and the limitations of her powers. This was a girl who wanted to find her brother, she even stabbed herself in the shoulder to fight off the PTSD symptoms

    Ma1ch- Raava is truly mad isn’t he? You played this mad crystalline character very well. You definitely portrayed that madness well, and there were just a few glimpses of the screaming man inside. In the last post I got a bit more insight into the hatred of this man who was forced to follow this traitorous prophet. The canon into the air balloon definitely showed how mad he was. Kicking his way out of the rubble into a free fall. I definitely felt you stayed with the madman character, but I wanted to know more. You gave glimpses of more, but didn’t fully let that out.

    RedKayne-2.75
    Ma1ch-2.5


    • Ingenuity (How well does the character handle situations in original, interesting, yet effective ways? Does the player simply repeat the same actions and put little thought in their moves, or do they provide interesting responses to the situations they’re in?)



    Both of you are amazing writers and came up with creative ways to react to situations. Ma1ch with how he reacted just out of the gate to the grenades, Elena with her lightning bolt. I do believe as far as ingenuity, though, Ma1ch pulled ahead here. I did not expect most of the things he did.(hitting the grenade, blowing a hole in the balloon of the airship, making his double for distraction at the end)

    RedKayne-2.5
    Ma1ch-3


    • Choreography (How well does the character/player interact with the other player’s character? Is it like a battle dance? Or two rubber chickens banging their heads together?)


    This was done wonderfully by the both of you. I didn’t feel like one had an edge over the other.

    I grant both fighters 2.75 points.

    Control of the Field:
    • Environmental Awareness (How well do you roleplay awareness to the surrounding environmental conditions with your character, taking into account how they affect your character, positively and negatively?)


    Ma1ch, I felt you could have done a little better at noting your surroundings. There were times where I felt that you were so involved with your character that the awareness just wasn’t quite where it needed to be. Although, I did love the mention of the lack of a crew, but I still felt there could have been more mention of what was going on. Like N said in his review. To help the reader feel what Raava cannot.

    Kayne I think your awareness was great, you seemed to absorb everything that N put into his posts and made note of it somehow in yours.

    RedKayne-3
    Ma1ch-2.5


    • Strategic Awareness (How well do you play off your character’s abilities, strengths and weaknesses in each situation/round? Are you aware of the ways that the environment and your opponent’s actions can affect your character? Are you able to anticipate and turn these to your advantage or minimize the damage to your own character effectively?)


    Both of you took very different strategies in this battle. Elena was calculating, with a thought out plan. Raava was spur of the moment and wild with his actions. Both of those strategies worked well for the both of you. I think you were pretty evenly matched here, even though different approaches were taken.

    I give both of you a score of 2.5

    • Control of the Fight (Did you maintain control of the situation? Was your opponent on their heels scrambling to meet your attacks, or were you on yours? If you were not in control for most of the fight, was there an impressive “turn” in the direction of the combat; did you turn the tables on your opponent in a decisive manner through surprise or cleverness?


    If it was not for that canon move that Ma1ch did, I would say that there was no one person that had control of the entire fight. Elena had a plan and took actions to carry out those plans, when they were changed, she altered them slightly, but still kept her end goal. Raava, took the bull by the horns, there was no end goal other than to destroy his opponent regardless of the cost to himself.

    The canon move in and of itself gave Ma1ch an edge that felt in that moment during that round, he had the surprise factor that took control a bit more than Elena’s calculating ways.

    RedKayne-2.5
    Ma1ch-2.75


    -------------------------

    The final tally is:
    RedKayne: 24.25

    Ma1chbox: 24
    I am substracting 1 point for posting past the deadline in one post without previously asking for an extension. With that deduction, your score is 23.

    **Match also in you first post you exceeded the 1500 word limit. I didn't deduct any points because it was only 4 words according to google ocs. Just be mindful of that in the future that if there is limits that you follow them.

    RedKayne barely pulled ahead.

    What a close match! Wow! Good job guys, it was truly an amazing read!


    Spoiler: Looking for RP in all the wrong places? Click here! 


    Spoiler: Friend Quotes 

  5. #15
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    And here are my scores:

    RedKayne

    You make the scene come alive, I give you that. There is something that pulling in, what with the inner world of the char, and also the song and the way the text is put. I would admit it helped to even get me into the whole battle's mood.

    I found few parts where the text could have been "said" better, but I like the way you presented your setting. It was more exciting, with tension, prolonging on her moves, making us see things from her eyes, or at least from a "camera" hiding beside her (as if watching a show).

    I felt like the third post finally brought back the focus into the inner world, and believe it or not, I feel like this is the strongest point to connect with your char. While your opponent's actions are enough to present himself (with the details brought with the description), there is something powerful about the inner world and thoughts that allowed me to believe your char, and I feel the third post fully brought it about. The music also very helped here. And like your other posts, I like your writing style, but I often feel like you are stumbling sometimes in the way you word out things. Still, it was very easy to understand the scene. I think connecting to another being in the third post made you shine. Not saying the other posts were not good, I just felt it was the strongest, and the second post was the weakest (as if only by changing she became something you fully connected with).

    To me, the arrangement of the blue texts, regardless of the direction, was meant to represent inner mind's storm. I feel less worried about how it should be done, because the idea of why using it was understood by me. When dealing with emotions or thoughts we could really use some more ways, colors, sounds and so on to present it, and sometimes words alone can limit us, so I'm glad you took up this approach.

    How your char react within battle? She is in control, that's her personality. She moves around with ease planning her moves. I feel like there was less interest in what was beside her, and more focus on what her planning next was, which I want to believe played out as the char would act, but it felt... missed. There were tons of understanding of what was around her, but less on what she actually need to accomplish and why. Less on how to deal with what was beside her.

    I feel like more of her fear that should have been brought about, but then again… since she is always dealing with pushing away things that can halt her… maybe not.


    Writing Style: 8
    Artistry and Complexity: 2.75
    Fluidity and Clarity: 2.50
    Conventions: 2.75


    Effectiveness of Combat: 6.5
    Character Consistency: 2.5
    Ingenuity: 2
    Choreography: 2

    Control of the Field: 7.5
    Environmental Awareness: 2.5
    Strategic Awareness: 2.5
    Control of the Fight: 2.5

    Total: 22




    Ma1chbox

    Let's start by saying that I am a person who does not enjoy texts of descriptions, because most of them tend to be tedious reading. But... You... You are master of detailing without burdening the reader (I actually wanted to read more). I think the descriptions of the attacks could be pulled out in better way, but over whole, you know how to set up the scenes.

    "So often his sunspheres scattering reminded him of the dandelions in the meadow when he first reawakened."- WOW. Just. WOW.

    I think I've never seen such a beautifully made intro post.

    I felt like the second post, although good with the way you brought about your ideas, was filled with a lot of actions for one post, including detailing the outcomes, but I will overlook it by reducing only half a point here, but you need to be careful with how many moves you play out while in the field.

    I also gotta tell you that I think you are amazing writer. You know how to tell a story, I give you that. Your descriptions were breath-taking and I felt like I wanted to just have more. However, I also felt like you could have tried to be a little more risky with your style. N used the word "conservative", and I tend to agree mostly because I have no better word to explain what I'm feeling. But, I feel like the more rumbles you take part here, the more you will adjust and improve your style to make it more... sexy.

    Now, I'm not saying you should go all out and use colorful texts and music, but something to make it more than just telling a story, doing something that will make it more… alive.

    How your char's react within battle? Remember the old Taz-Mania cartoon show? ... yes, I felt like I was watching The Tasmanian Devil, just... you know... swirling around and breaking what was around him and doing the craziest things, which was fine... but there were moment where you char actually stopped and thought. So I wondered if it was breaking a char role, or that he actually has some... sanity to it? (I mean roaring like a monster was very much marking it as a "beast", but stopping and thinking was a bit.. dunno... out of char I guess? I still loved the descriptions!!! ).

    Your char is interesting; the actions speak louder than his words. He wants to stuff himself into cannon and shoot himself off? damn right he will do it!

    Just... I'm often not sure if it's in char or not. The forth post, although amazing epilogue by itself (amazing writing) is a good example of it. I felt like it was a bit not him there.


    Writing Style: 7.75
    Artistry and Complexity: 2
    Fluidity and Clarity: 2.75
    Conventions: 3


    Effectiveness of Combat: 7.5
    Character Consistency: 2.5
    Ingenuity: 2.5
    Choreography: 2.5


    Control of the Field: 7.5
    Environmental Awareness: 3
    Strategic Awareness: 2
    Control of the Fight: 2.5

    Points deductions: -1.5 (For my own battles for being late without asking I remove a full point and I'm doing the same here.
    I am going to reduce another half a point for the second post, which I felt was pushing the limits a bit too much regarding the numbers of actions. I also felt the same about the first post but decided against it, so only half a point removed in addition to the one point for being late).

    Total: 21.25





    Winner: RedKayne

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