[M] What Once Was Lost [Namingtoohard & Ashen]

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when her guest decided that was enough for one day, but she quickly tried to squash the thought. She had known in advance that she would be dumping a lot of information on him today, and it was probably best that she give him some time to process everything at his own pace. She had waited several years for this moment, and had accomplished something she had been dreaming about for nearly as long. What was an extra day, compared to the stretch that she had already waited? What was it, compared to the things she had just done to Luuk’s perception of himself, his life, and the world as a whole? She was starting to sound a little bit like a broken record, but her offer was genuine. Even so, she couldn’t help but jump a little as he abruptly stood, and chuckled softly at the unexpected little insult that slipped out amongst all his confused mutterings.

“You don’t sound like an idiot…or not without cause, at least. I know its probably a little difficult to wrap your head around…well, everything.” Natalie offered, doing her best to sound empathetic. Truth be told, she had never experienced quite the same sort of shock – she had grown up with her parents to teach her this sort of thing, after all. Raise her to it. She had grown up knowing what was possible, and what she was capable of. Luuk could hardly say the same. “God knows I probably could have done a better job explaining everything to you, if I had prepared a little more. I got so caught up in getting to this moment that I didn’t stop and think to actually think about how I’d go about it when the time came. So you can blame that one on me, if you like”

Whilst she spoke, Natalie rose to her feet, but in a less volatile manner than her guest. She pushed the chair back and rose in one smooth motion, the wooden legs scraping against the floorboards quietly. Given Luuk’s choice, it seemed that there wouldn’t be any more magic today, which gave her something to do with her hands whilst they spoke. She set about cleaning up and packing away the small collection of things she had gotten out for her demonstration, though she continued to chat all the while.

“I can definitely make time tomorrow, if you think that will be long enough for you to digest everything. Just text me in the morning and let me know or something, yeah? Either way, I’d advise against trying against anything yourself until we’ve at least covered the basics. Things can go wrong in rather unpredictable ways if you aren’t quite sure what you’re doing” Natalie offered, her tone casual, despite the implied consequences. Once she was done, she was quick to move back Luuk’s way.

“If you want hang around for a bit and chat about something a little more straightforward, you’re more than welcome to stay. But if you’d prefer to just take the extra time to think things over, then…” Natalie continued, before giving something akin to a casual shrug. “Either way, its been a pleasure.”

[Ashen]

Natalie was being so kind, so nonchalant, that Luuk had to wonder if she had any idea what kind of existential crisis she had just dropped on him. He could barely focus on the conversation, too busy letting his mind wander far into the realm of what was previously known as impossibility. "I'll text you," he responded somewhat hastily. Would a single day be enough time to process all of this? No, and he knew that, but he also knew himself. Luuk wouldn't stand to be ignorant of the basics for long, and even with an ounce of understanding of this new skill set he possessed, he would be jumping in headfirst, eager to see where he'd get.

"I think," he continued, eyes still vacant, mind still wandering, "I'd like some time to myself." He glanced back towards his notebook. How would he study the notes he didn't take? What if his memory, pristine as it was, failed him this once? He shook the thoughts, struggling to focus on Natalie again. "Yeah, I need to go home, figure some stuff out. I've got an exam tomorrow anyhow, and I ought to prepare for that. Probably." He didn't even know which of his remaining finals was tomorrow, but he hoped it wasn't an important one. With all of this, he knew there was no way he'd get any revisions done.

Luuk thanked Natalie for inviting him over and exposing him her magic. He thanked her for trusting him, for showing him he was capable of such talents. He was still stumbling over his words when he turned to walk away from her home, now a treasure trove of magical secrets. He had a feeling he would be there again, many times, learning more than he'd ever image.

Contrary to what he'd told his new mentor, he did not go home to his dorm. Instead, Luuk found himself in his university's library, gazing at the towering shelves filled with titles no one would care to pick up. There had to be something, he told himself, and so he began to look. He scoured the library, searching for anything with a mere mention of magic in its title, summary, or first few pages. Mostly, he turned up with fantasy novels, young adult fiction and children's tales, with the occasional memoir of a medieval woman accused of witchcraft. The titles on Wicca didn't help, nor did the rest of the books his library had of unpopular religions. He only left the library when, at closing time, the staff was forced to kick him out. By then, he had more questions and fewer answers than he knew what to do with.

He went back to his dorm and sat at his computer, continuing his search for magic for only a few minutes. It was fruitless, he realized, and he was just wasting his time. Instead, he pulled up the draft of his project, the essay of his family, the piece he had intended to give Natalie. Avoiding going to bed at an ungodly hour, just barely, he got himself in bed just as he finished his new last sentence. Maybe now, finally, his project would really be complete.

Luuk woke late that morning and stumbled his way to the giant lecture hall. His professor only raised a brow at him as he entered, panting, a minute before his exam was to start. He looked over the tiny bit of notes he could before the exams were distributed, and he came out of the room an hour later with far less confidence than he was comfortable with. Another test done, he texted Natalie about when he was free that day. He then returned to the library, this time to re-edit and pour over the words of his project, hoping it didn't sound as barbaric as he thought it did.

[Namingtoohard]

Every bit the image of a courteous host, Natalie acted both polite and patient as Luuk packed up his things and prepared to leave. She didn’t bother peppering him with questions, or make any further attempts to try and convince him to return soon. Had she known that he had an exam tomorrow, she likely would have tried to insist on another day, but there was no helping that now. Instead, she settled for walking him to the front door once he was ready, and then said her farewells.

It all had a strange semblance of normalcy, considering what the two of them had just discussed. The thought brought a small smile to Natalie’s lips as she watched Luuk head down the stairs, back towards ground level. When he had rounded the corner and disappeared from view, she lingered for just a few moments longer, before finally slipping back inside.

She had cleared her schedule in the leadup to today’s meeting with Luuk. Natalie had anticipated him staying for a little longer, even if he hadn’t wanted to start his first actual lesson. Now that he was gone, she found herself with a surprising and unexpected lack of things to do. Even so, it was hard for her to feel disappointed with the way things had turned out. She certainly could have prepared better, but Luuk had seemed open-minded enough, despite the stumbles. With nothing planned for the rest of the day, Natalie decided to do the one thing she always did – practice. It certainly seemed like a good idea when she considered the fact that she might end up teaching in the near future.

The next morning, Natalie woke rather early, feeling something like panic. She made a quick grab for her phone, and let out a soft sigh of relief at the total lack of notifications that greeted her. It wasn’t Luuk’s text that she had been worried about – quite the opposite, really. It was thoughts of her supervisor that had her heart rate up, after what she had done yesterday. A quick glance at the clock followed, and she let out a soft groan as the realisation that it wasn’t quite 6am yet sunk in. She lay there in the dark for a few moments, silently cursing herself and debating whether it was worth trying to get back to sleep, before reluctantly pushing back the covers and climbing out of bed.

Her day started much the same as the previous one, with both a shower and healthy dose of coffee to help her wake up. Unlike the previous day, Natalie was supposed to go out and check up on one of the families that were under her care. Even so, she was happy to leave that until the evening, just in case Luuk did decide to meet up again. In the meantime, there was little for her to do but pass the time and wait for his message.

When it did eventually buzz, Natalie was quick to reach for her phone. She couldn't help but smile when she saw the message, and was quick to thumb out a reply to Luuk inviting him over as soon as he was ready. From that point onwards, her day became an entirely different sort of waiting game. Natalie found herself glancing at the clock more and more frequently, and even trying to estimate exactly what time Luuk would likely arrive.

[Ashen]

It wasn't long before Natalie replied, and almost just as quickly Luuk was heading to the train station again. His mind hadn't quieted once since he'd left Natalie's apartment, and now, he was finally going to get some answers, or at least some demonstrations. He didn't know how much he was going to learn today, or at all, but he knew Natalie's teaching had to be better than his university's literature collection on the matter. She had mentioned other mages, so Luuk found it odd that there was nothing about magic across the entire library. Almost like mages had been snuffed out entirely. Just what sort of danger was he stepping back into?

He stepped off the train and started to Natalie's apartment, all the while rehearsing what he would say. He needed to not trip over his words this time, lest Natalie think him even more of a bumbling idiot. Luuk struggled to slow his thoughts, to calculate his words. After careful consideration, I thought I'd ask you a bit about how your magic manifested. You were taught--how? Was it always an ability you knew you possessed? He'd prepared questions for this, and he had about half an infinity more swirling in his head. Are there other mages who can teach me too? Would they do their magic differently? He went over each question, and by the time he reached Natalie's door he had a good idea of what he wanted to know.

When he saw her, same cool air as the day before, came relaxed composure in the face of this impossibility, Luuk's script dissolved on his tongue. He didn't even utter a greeting before he was bombarding her, asking her about the workings of his strange art. "Do you have any tomes?" he started, making a sign with his hands as if to mime opening a book. "Anywhere I can read about this? I couldn't find anything when I looked and I thought if anyone you would have something or if not maybe we could write something together some time but of course I need to learn first so where do I started what are the basics?" Never out of breath, Luuk looked on with eager eyes, dying to absorb any information Natalie was willing to give.

It was only as an afterthought that Luuk sheepishly said, "Oh yeah, also, hi." He waved at her, cheeks reddening. He'd specifically prepared so that he wouldn't do this. Shaking his head, he motioned towards her apartment. "Sorry, I just... I get so excited, you know? I love learning stuff, and this stuff is stuff my mum and dad knew, stuff they lived, and I've always felt like I could never feel connected with them, all my life, they were just ghosts I didn't know, but I finally have a way to connect with them, and I want to know everything I can. I'm... I'm rambling again, sorry." Luuk chuckled softly. Natalie was probably annoyed with him, and he wouldn't blame her. He never shut up; how could he? He just entered his quest as a video game character. He wanted to learn it all.

"Here," he suggested, "instead of me asking questions, why don't you show me what you meant to in whatever way you feel is most appropriate? You should be the one to decide what that means." He hesitated, noticing something else. "First, can I come in?"

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie quickly decided to try and do something productive with her time, instead of just sitting around twiddling her thumbs and waiting for Luuk to arrive. She began by setting out several of the tools she usually used to perform her magic – brushes, ink, and even a few different calligraphy pens - as well as a few small items that might prove useful as demonstration or practice pieces. Once she was satisfied that everything was ready, Natalie made some small attempt to clean up her apartment. The chances she made any sort of substantial progress before Luuk arrived were minimal, but it felt good to make an attempt. Better than sitting around and just trying to pass the time, at least.

She was relatively quick to answer when the knock finally came, abandoning the clothes she had been in the process of packing away to go greet her guest. All smiles and good cheer, she was ready to invite him inside, only to be cut short by a barrage of questions. Her eyes widened at the sudden outpouring, surprise written into the lines of her face. Whilst this was hardly an unusual occurrence with Luuk around, she had at least expected them to get out of the doorway first.

“Hello to you too, Luuk. Come on in” she offered once he was finally done. She was quick to step out of the way, gesturing for him to come on in. Once they were both sequestered away inside her apartment, the front door closed behind them, things began much as they had during yesterday’s visit. Natalie quickly told Luuk to make himself at home, disappeared into the kitchen, and asked if he would like coffee, tea, or anything else she could readily provide. When she returned, be it with one cup or two, Natalie finally felt something resembling ready. It was finally time for them to begin.

“Given what you said earlier, I assume you’re committed to going down this path, despite the inherent risks of discovery” she started. Whilst she spoke, she set her mug down on the table, before helping herself to a seat. It wasn’t a topic that she wanted to dwell on, but it felt important enough to try and confirm. Pending any sort of acknowledgement or confirmation from Luuk, she would continue.

“First of all, let me preface this by saying I’ve never had any sort of apprentice of my own before. So please, bear with me a little if I’m not quite as…articulate as I could be. The last time I went through anything like this was back when I was a kid, and my first mentor was teaching me” Natalie offered. She took a moment to clear her throat, the gesture greatly exaggerated, as if it might distract from this admission of inexperience.

“As far as I know, there aren’t any published books left about this sort of thing. I don’t have any left in my possession, at least, and I imagine the vast majority were destroyed during the time we were…targeted. If there are any left out there, then they’re probably hidden too well for someone like me to find. Our skills were, more often than not, passed on verbally between generations. Writing is hardly one of my greatest skills, but we could try and come up with something, if that would help you” she offered, punctuating the final sentence of her little speech with a nonchalant shrug.

“I hadn’t planned on giving another demonstration after yesterday, but if you would like one now that you’ve had some time to adjust, I’d be happy to oblige. In any case, I just figured that we’d begin with a simple explanation of the basics, and then a few practice exercises, if that’s alright with you.”

[Ashen]

Instead of scaring him like they were probably supposed to, Natalie's warning only excited Luuk further, reminding him of his convictions. This was dangerous work, the likes of which he had never even imagined before. Just days ago he had been an ordinary university student ready to apply to ordinary jobs and live an ordinary, unfulfilling future, but now he felt that he was keeping a secret, reclaiming a birthright, and the drama of it all was intoxicating. "I accept the risks," he said calmly, and he was about to add more when he stopped himself. That was all. He would decide what those risks meant later.

Her warning left Luuk wondering of a childhood he might have had. Did his parents pass on this art to him? Did his father chuckle when Luuk didn't get his magic just right? Did his mother guide his hand over different objects, explaining in that soft of way mothers always do? Had Luuk been as eager a student then as he was now? He only replied with a nod. Whatever teaching style Natalie chose, Luuk would follow suit. All this information was inside him already, deep inside the confines of his memory that had been locked away for so long. Now, Natalie only had to unlock that, and he knew he could figure all of this out.

As she continued to speak, Luuk just felt like an idiot. Of course there were no books about it; how would any of them survive? How would any of them be understood by a population without magic? He nodded sheepishly. Writing a book... That caught his attention. "You'd want to write a book with me?" he piped in. With just the suggestion his mind was left wandering, flipping through the pages of a book he'd co-written, a book about magic. It was such a far fetched idea, yet it intrigued him. "Let's see if I'm any good at this first, yeah?"

Luuk took the same seat he had yesterday, and he clutched his cup of tea, still unsipped, already forgotten about. "I won't say no to another presentation," he said. "Maybe this time I can take actual notes instead of just... staring. Sorry about that." He reached for the same notebook, opened up to his half-finished notes. "Do you always use brushes?" he asked, motioning towards those she had laid out. "Does the tool matter? Could I use crayons if I wanted to?" He picked up one of her brushes, turned it over, studied it, and put it back down. He scribbled a note into his book about it. "What did you have planned for the day? More mugs?" Luuk had fountains of questions for her. Where she lacked experience in teaching, Luuk had too much experience in learning. He was ready to learn everything he could, but he watched Natalie's reactions, watched how she treated his questions. He didn't want to overwhelm her, and so he tried to keep them steady. "We can start when you're ready," he suggested.

[Namingtoohard]

Now that the moment had arrived, Natalie couldn’t help but wish she had spent a little bit more time preparing for this moment. She had been so focused on things actually getting to this point that she had neglected to plan out any of the actual lessons she intended to give, and now wasn’t quite sure where to start. She could run through the basics in her mind easily enough, but explaining them in a way that would be easy to understand for a beginner was another matter entirely. Thankfully, she did have one saving grace. On this particular occasion, Luuk’s perchance for asking dozens of questions in as many seconds undoubtedly worked to her benefit.

“The tool does matter, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. You could use just about anything, theoretically, and find a way to make it work. That said, precision is an important part of what we do, as you’re about to learn” Natalie answered. Whilst she spoke, she set about getting her tools ready – unstoppering her paint, selecting a brush, and laying out the object she intended to transform. This time, instead of a mug, she laid out a single fork in the space between them.

“Most people develop their own preferences. Carvings tend to be the most useful, but they’re significantly more difficult to manage. I prefer brushes, because its easy to vary the width of your lines in the middle of each stroke. I can’t imagine crayons would have any real benefits, but you’re welcome to try” she answered, a small smile flickering across her features as her gaze flickered up towards him. Ready to begin, she laid her hand out on the tabletop, palm facing up, so that he might be able to watch her work.

“We begin with a circle, which dictates the length of the transformation. A closed circle dictates a permanent change, whilst a broken one indicates a temporary one. The bigger the gap, the shorter it will last” she offered whilst she worked. Naturally, she started by doing exactly as she had described, marking around the outer edges of her palm in a circle. “The size doesn’t matter per se, but its easier to be precise with a larger area. Smaller ones, of course, are more subtle.”

Natalie seemed to relax whilst she worked. The words seemed to flow easier once she had started, as if beginning were the biggest hurdle. Even beyond that, there was something comforting about getting to work her craft. The familiarity found in practicing the gestures she had spent her entire life perfecting was soothing, in its own way. The longer she continued, the more convinced she became that she knew what she was talking about. Yes, she could do this.

“Learning about the markings is probably the hardest part. It’s probably a little bit like learning an entirely new language, I imagine. For now, it’ll suffice for you to know that each little deviation in the line dictates what change you are going to inflict upon the object” she continued. To make her point, Natalie began painting a line through the middle of her circle. Partway down, she shifted the line to the left slightly with a tiny diagonal stroke, before finishing it off with another straight line. Her work done, she reached for the fork that she had laid out a few moments earlier. Within moments, she was no longer holding a fork, but a spoon instead. She’d hold it up for Luuk to examine briefly, before laying it back down on the table again. Her work done, she’d set her tools aside, and set about wiping her hand clean with a towel she had set up earlier.

“Cleaning up is important, too. You don’t want any old markings to interfere with your next transformation, or give you away to anyone who knows our secrets” Natalie said. When she was done, she lay the towel aside, before turning her attention back to Luuk good and proper.

“In a moment, I’ll have you try for yourself. An actual transformation, not just a simple test, like last time. Something simple, of course, and I’ll make sure you don’t manage anything too catastrophic. First, though, show me your hands” she answered, holding out one of her hands as if expecting him to place his within it.

[Ashen]

Luuk scribbled away in his notebook, thankful for the opportunity to take down all the details he definitely wouldn't forget anyway. His handwriting was rushed as he tried to catch every detail. All this talk about shape sizes and patterns and a whole new language; was Luuk even up for that? He'd been able to do some amateur magic before, sure, but just how much could he perfect this foreign ability when he hadn't even known of its existence days ago?

He paid careful attention to how she drew her circle, writing down the dimensions he guessed at and replicating it in a sketch under his notes. Then, Natalie began to work her craft, and he watched as the ink dissolved into the tool again. In only moments, tines curved and combined, forming into the small scoop of a spoon. Luuk tried to write down how it happened, but even after having just seen it, he could come up with no words to describe what had transpired. Hesitating, pen in hand, Luuk sat there, once again bewildered. Just a few little curves, a few lines of ink, and it was like the object as it was known had never existed in the first place.

"So it's not just color," Luuk said, finally finding words to write down. "You can change the shapes, too..." He mumbled inaudibly for a moment, then scratched out something in his book and turned his attention back to the spoon. Natalie was wiping her hand, explaining the importance of that, so he jotted notes down about that, too. Anyone who knows our secrets... Luuk wondered how many people knew of this still, how safe he was in talking about it. Brushing those thoughts away for another time, he set down his pen and read over his notes. It still seemed so strange, even after having watched it twice now. Hopefully his notes would help later, because he wasn't sure, alone, he'd even have the confidence to attempt this again.

Natalie startled him. She wanted him to try a transformation? But what if he messed it up? He stayed silent, overthinking through all the possibilities. Natalie trusted him. He couldn't mess this up. He nodded, then cocked his head. "My hands?" he repeated. "Uh, sure." He set his pen into his notebook and rested it on the table. Luuk had calloused hands, the overworked hands of someone asked to write too many papers. They weren't dirty, nor were they smooth. He focused on them, eyes fixated on protruding veins, deep wrinkles, too-long nails. Suddenly aware of how much better they could look, Luuk awkwardly kept them in his lap. "They're clean," he insisted. "If that's what you're looking for."

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie stayed silent as Luuk set about finishing off his notes, muttering softly to himself all the while. She could have interjected at any time. Spoken up to confirm his newfound suspicions about the capabilities that her demonstration had just revealed. It would be easy enough to explain things in greater detail, to answer all his questions. Walk him through everything she knew and spoon-feed him conclusions that she herself had already drawn, years and years ago. Where was the benefit in that, though? Better to let him muddle through on his own, as her parents had let her do back when she was a kid. If the answers proved more satisfying, and his understanding more complete, then the struggle would be worth it in the long run.

She waited patiently for Luuk to comply with her request, even through the sudden bout of reluctance that seemed to come over him. She was sitting there sharing secrets that had not seen the light of day for over a decade. Ones that called into question the very nature of what most humans would consider possible. Luuk had decided that he wanted to explore these new limits, despite the risks. Yet here he was, having second thoughts when it came to something as simple as allowing her to look at his hands? Natalie couldn’t help but chuckle softly at the thought.

“I’m glad to hear it, but I’m afraid that isn’t really what I had in mind” Natalie answered, once she had managed to reign in her amusement. “It probably goes without saying, but our hands are important for our work, and I like to think that you can tell a lot about someone by looking at them. Not good or bad, mind you. I’m not here to judge. At least, not in that manner. Just…details.”

She rapped the knuckles of her outstretched hand against the tabletop gently, as if to illustrate that she were still waiting for him to give in and comply with her request.

“Our hands are the main way that we interact with the world. If the eyes hold the secrets of the soul, then your hands reveal your substance. You don’t have anything to hide, do you, Luuk?” she asked, a hint of mischief echoed in her tone as she tried to goad him. A few seconds later, another thought occurred to Natalie, and her gaze hardened a little. She scrutinised him again for a moment, eyebrows furrowed. “You aren’t one of those people who does all your work by computer, are you?” she asked, voice conspiratorial. Oh, she’d promise him a lot o time spent practicing his penmanship if that was the case. She doubted it, considering the notes she had seemed him take, but…well, better safe than sorry.

[Ashen]

Luuk wanted to go back to his notebook, to jot down what Natalie was saying about hands and their importance, but he thought it better to not write everything down. That would make anyone uncomfortable, and the last thing he needed was a teacher wary of him for being too enthusiastic about learning. He offered his hands to her, wondering what they would tell her, what secrets they held. It was like giving a palm to a fortune teller, he thought, and he wondered if Natalie were capable of such things as divination. Brushing it off as fantasy, he looked down at his hands again.

Subconsciously, he knew Natalie was joking when she asked if he had anything to hide, but Luuk still became self-conscious, defensive. "No," came his immediate response, but he paused. Did he have anything to hide? How would he know, anyway? What other secrets did his childhood hold, secrets Natalie could find out with just a glance of his fingertips? He was being paranoid, he realized, and he shook his head. "Not that I know of," he added.

But then Natalie paused, and she seemed to consider something. Luuk raised a brow at her. "Well, I guess?" he responded. "I mean, I study history, you know? I write a lot of papers online, a lot of compiling of sources, synthesizing arguments, that sort of thing. I take most of my notes by hand, and even write whole paragraphs out if I'm stuck in a place without my computer. Sometimes I'll type things out on my phone. I should show you the notes for my big family tree paper, actually... If I were to type it all up, it might even be longer than the paper itself." He spoke freely, shamelessly, knowing he was not unlike most of his peers. Looking over at Natalie, at her expression, a perplexed one crossed his features. "Is that... bad?"

Luuk wondered how all this must have looked. Was Natalie about to scold him for being on the computer too much, just like his foster mother Karen had done for so many years? His gaze dropped again. Regardless of what his hands would tell Natalie, he had to wonder. What was his substance? What made him who he was? He was just a lost boy looking for answers in all the wrong places. He didn't have substance, not really, but maybe this woman, this distant friend, the closest thing to kin he had, maybe she would find something in him.