[M] Sniped Through the Heart (Iwazuma x Hannelorian)

[Iwazuma]

Regina could feel the pain, the resistance of her mind screaming at her to pull her shirt back down, to disappear under the covers and try to wait out the wave of embarrassment that threatened to spill over into nausea. She grit her teeth, her eyes still shut as she listened to Anke, felt her fingers gently discovering the swath of scars and disfigurement on her side. Regina winced as a small spark of discomfort ran through her as Anke found the long scar, the nerve damage from that cut never having fully healed. It was evident the mere act was going against every one of her barest instincts, that the fight simply to lift her shirt up was one that tormented her. But as she felt hands on her cheeks, Regina froze, the hand gripping the fabric letting go in surprise. There was a gentle request to look at Anke. Regina slowly opened her eyes, staring her girlfriend in the face, expecting some form of disappointment.

She did not find such. Instead, she found a woman smiling at her, explaining to her that somehow, in spite of everything, she was beautiful. Regina could feel tears welling up in her eyes, an involuntary reaction to what she was being told. Regina...wasn't supposed to be beautiful. She was supposed to be tough. Be strong. Be a figure for the people of Osnen to cling to. She wasn't afforded the ability to look 'pretty' or 'beautiful'. She'd often cast glances into the windows of shops during what very rare times she was in Urlachen proper, eyeing the dresses and shirts with a quiet, emotionless stare that none could tell was her silently wishing she could wear them, be someone else for a moment. Be herself.

Here Anke was, telling her that in spite of all that, she was still beautiful, still someone to be admired and enjoyed. Regina didn't know what to say. She could feel the emotions that had threatened to consume her before morph and change, become something more powerful. It was like an overwhelming wave of...what? Regina didn't know, but she could hardly spare the brainpower to figure it out. She just wanted to...collapse. Collapse and let this new something flow over her. Anke's gentle insistences that she never needed to be afraid around her, to be close to her...Regina's resistance only held up for so long before she felt something lurch within her before giving way. She leaned forward onto Anke's shoulder, a sob wracking her form as the tears began to flow. Regina cried. She cried a lot. She cried loudly. She gripped Anke closer, needing something to anchor herself as she gave in to the emotion, losing herself in the profound sadness that overwhelmed her.

Regina didn't know how long she remained there, or if Anke was managing to put up with her sudden loss of control, but she eventually found her voice between tearstained sobs. "I...I'm sorry, I..." was all she managed to get out before another wave of tears came. Another minute went by before she tried again. "I don't know what's...I can't...I can't stop it..." Her metallic arm clutched Anke tightly, holding her as though she were about to vanish forever. "I don't...nobody has ever told me that..."

[Hannelorian]

It was as though a switch had flipped, and Regina was suddenly subject to the full pain of her emotions. The tears came like the water after the dam had broken, surging forth with such power and intensity. All Anke could do was wrap her arms around Regina and pull her closer, as Regina pulled Anke closer, two forces pulling themselves as close as possible to one another. Anke's hands wound their way to Regina's back where one stroked it softly, the other toward her head running her delicate hands through Regina's hair. "Shh... Shh..." Anke whispered quietly as she just held on to the woman, knowing there was nothing she could do but be here.

"Just feel it... just let it go... let the tears come, don't try to stop." Anke whispered softly into Regina's ears as she just held her there as tightly as she possibly could. "They'll end when they're ready." As hard as it was for Anke to see Regina break down, a small part of her was relieved. Regina could feel these emotions, she did have it within her and now as painful as it was she was finally experiencing something. Something Regina likely didn't really understand. But that was okay, she didn't have to understand just now. That could come later, the important thing was that she had the freedom and safety to just feel what she was feeling.

"It's okay... it's going to be okay." Anke continued to whisper these words, stroking Regina's back as she did. Anke remembered all of the times she had broken down into an absolute mess of tears. There had been so many of those days, particularly after she was shot. Her recovery was long, slow and painful, the depression had been the worst she had ever experienced. So many nights crying herself to sleep. She knew what Regina was experiencing, at least in some small part. "You don't need to apologize." Anke reassured Regina the very best she could. "Well... I'm telling you that now." Anke smiled brightly. "I meant every word of it."

[Iwazuma]

Regina had realized somewhere over the course of her time buried in Anke's arms that the tears were not slowing just because she willed them to. She was trying her hardest, but the sadness continued to overwhelm, continued to bury her in her emotions. She just wanted it to end. She just wanted things to go back to how they always were, when she was just a soldier. Just a tool. Just a weapon. But she couldn't put the genie back in the bottle, no matter how much she tried to. Regina's periphery instead focused on Anke, the only other thing she could sense. Her gentle strokes of her back, the way her fingers wound in her hair. The calming words Anke spoke to her. Regina clung to those moments of stability, those solid bits of reality that she could hold onto. They were a reminder that, for once, she wasn't alone. She had someone with her, someone who could keep her grounded, who could offer her support in a way Regina simply could not do alone. This thought slowly eased the pain, slowly turned the tears down to a trickle, and then just sniffles and quiet sobs.

Regina wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she finally managed to sit herself upright again. Her eyes were red and puffy, and tears stained her cheeks as she tried to wipe them away. For a while, Regina was silent, simply riding the hurt of her sadness down to nothing once more. Even then, she was quiet. Anke's smile was bright, but Regina was having trouble meeting her gaze. She was embarrassed. Embarrassed about her sadness. She knew soldiers didn't cry publicly-usually, anyways. It was considered a social mistake. Sadness was not an emotion other soldiers liked, and they often kept it to themselves. To show her weakness in front of Anke...it showed the trust she had put in her partner, but it also filled Regina with self-loathing. She'd let herself be weak again, and now there was someone who could verify it. Even if it was someone Regina trusted would say nothing.

"I'm sorry." Regina's voice cracked, but she managed to apologize as she looked away. Regina shivered, falling back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling with a weak sigh. "Why does every emotion feel bad?" Regina asked nobody in particular, continuing to stare up at the ceiling with a blank expression on her face. "Where are the good emotions? Where do they come from? What do they feel like?" Regina spoke her mind, wondering aloud why people chose to feel at all. There had to be something she was missing here. Regina curiously eyed Anke again. She'd been so strong during this, so stable and welcoming to her. She was always able to keep a cool head, even when Regina, the one who had been the most even-keeled of any soldier, failed. How did she do it, especially when she had to deal with such emotions? She forgot about the comments regarding her beauty for the moment, wanting to understand just why people would ever choose to feel at all.

[Hannelorian]

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Anke said softly with a warm smile. "Sometimes... breaking down in tears is the best thing." It was cathartic, to cry, to be entirely vulnerable in a space where one felt safe and accepted, appreciated. That was a sign of safety, of comfort, the ability to simple be in a space. Freedom to be oneself even if one was confused, lost in the darkness, adrift in the ocean even. "The fact that you felt you could... in front of me. That in and of itself is a sign of progress as you discover yourself." Anke knew that this moment was nearly impossible for Regina to truly understand. It must have all be something of a wild and insane tangle, a knot that had no beginning and no end, no loose thread to catch hold of and pull.

"Not every emotion feels bad... it just so happens that you've fallen into this journey at the worst time... when things aren't going exactly the way you imagined or had planned." Timing, musically, had been Anke's strong suit. She had a sense and feel for these things. But when it came to other things, it seemed she had the worst luck. Anke had begun to open the doors to Regina's emotional vault just before the disastrous mission that they had embarked upon. Anke in part wondered if she blamed herself at all. The fact that she had succeeded where Regina hadn't was painful. Even though it may have been Osnen's doing that didn't remove the emotions from the equation.

"Safety is a positive emotion. A good feeling. You felt safe enough to cry in front of me." Anke wondered how she could go about evoking more positive emotions, the happy emotions that Regina wanted to feel. "The happiness will come. On a day that is less stressful than today.... how can I explain?" Anke was wondering how to do this. But, as always it was a tricky measure. Without a proper frame of reference, Regina would just have to trust. "When you're alone with me. How do you feel? What comes to mind? Even if you can't explain a specific emotion... just sort of what do you think about?" Anke asked genuinely, her head cocked to the side as she moved in closer, her finger tips moving to wipe the delicate trail of tears that had stopped falling away from Regina's cheek. "You'll know... when you feel it."

[Iwazuma]

As the feelings of sadness and pain began to finally fade away to a dull ache, her mind finally started to retreat back into its shell. A shell of protection, of emotionlessness. It was the facade Regina constantly put up, to prove that she was an adept and adequate soldier. Something that had broken far too many times as of late, Anke being the witness to most of them. When was breaking down the best possible choice? Regina felt so...empty. It was like she'd cried out a piece of her. There was a void in her stomach that just didn't feel right. Staring up at the ceiling felt like the only activity Regina was qualified to do. And doing this was somehow progress? Regina wanted to question it, but couldn't find the energy to lift her head again to wonder. She just wanted to stare at the silver ceiling, watching her ceiling fan lazily spin on the lowest setting. It was the path of least resistance, and the one Regina felt it most possible to take.

It figured that Regina had picked the worst possible time to feel again, as Anke was quick to point out. She apparently wasn't particularly good at doing anything with relation to emotions. She'd somehow selected all the worst possible ones to experience...though she raised an eyebrow at the term 'safety'. Safe was an emotion? She'd not thought of that. She figured it was just a condition. Safety. No danger nearby. No threats. Anke was...safety. Regina felt comfortable around her. Apparently even comfortable enough to cry. The thought did not cause Regina to stir, but left her feeling...she didn't know how to put it. Happiness was apparently just something she had to...wait for. It wasn't something she could just generate? How come everyone else seemed to be happy? Even Anke had been happy...around her, even. Why did she of all people have to find another time? Was it just because of her inherent difficulty, her impossibility?

The question Anke posed, however, had Regina musing. She hadn't considered what she thought about when just...around Anke. When her mind wasn't possessed by something else. Regina closed her eyes, feeling slender fingers wiping away at the dampness on her cheeks. It left a gentle tingling that had Regina shivering ever so slightly. "What do I think about...?" Regina sighed, letting her mind wander. What did she think about? "Desire to be better." That was the easiest answer. Better than Anke, better than herself. "But that's not everything..." That was how it started, at the very least. She had seen the sharpshooter's performance and demanded better of herself. That was how she thought it was supposed to be. But along the way, things just...changed. "...when you're close." Regina reached up, grabbing Anke by the arm and tugging her closer to drive her point home, feeling her skin press up against her shift. "Warm. Almost like a blanket, but...just my whole body feeling that way." Anke was strange in that regard. It was a gentle warmth, one that made Regina feel the slightest bit fuzzy and disoriented...but not in a bad way, either. She didn't know how to properly describe it. "I guess safe would be a proper word too..." Safe to talk to her, safe to show emotion, safe to just...be Regina. "It always feels like I should be doing something with you. For you. But I don't always know what, and that can be distressing." Since everything was on the table, she supposed the less positive thoughts were something Anke would want to know, too. But there were still so many questions. Was this how healthy relationships worked? Were they proper girlfriends in that regard, or was it still just a show for the cameras? "...what does love feel like, Anke...?" Regina opened her eyes, her amber hues inquisitive as the last vestiges of sadness seemed to finally fade away.