[M]The Stoner's Guide to the Real World. Chapter One.

[Crypes]

"Another party...."

"Yes."

"In another fucking cemetery...."

"Correct again."

"How do you talk me into this shit?"

"I'm awesome that way."

"Let's see how awesome you are when you're flying out a window!"

A loud shriek was heard by the people driving in the immediate area of the bus. The shriek was echoed as the bus began swerving towards the other cars on the highway. Several people got bashed off the road by the ten ton monster, measurement not accurate, and other people were rammed by it. A swerving bus does tend to cause a panic. After ten minutes of this insanity, the occupants of the bus screamed as they saw themselves plowing through a fence and into a lake.

"See what you made me do? You made me sink a land vehicle."

"What I made you? You were the one that wanted to toss me out the window!"

"Alright, you got me there."

Crypes lit up a cigarette that then started producing a purplish blue smoke. "But what now? Not like this thing can swim."

"Man, it's almost sad how much you know about your own vehicle." Nash said, hitting a button on the dash board and grinning while the bus started floating to the surface of the lake. "Jesus bus can walk on water."

And looking like some large square submarine, the black and red bus rose from the depths, revealing the sign on the left side.

The Stoner's Guide to the Real World
in stores when we feel like putting it there.

The bus then began chugging it's way to land, the heavy suspension holding it steady as it ripped gravel on it's way out of the lake. They passed right by a stunned couple, obviously confused that a bus had driven over water to get to shore. Naturally the two stoners just waved and drove off laughing. Man, normal people tweaked over the funniest stuff.

"Alright Crypes, we going to the party or not?"

"Yeah, fine. I guess we don't have anything better to do anyways. Just give me directions and-"

"Comic store! Stop! Must.....Enter....."

"Well, it's four in the afternoon, so it's not like we're wasting time."

Nash shouted in glee as the bus turned into a parking lot, taking out a clearance sign as it did. Opening the door, Crypes watched Nash tear off for the comic store as he grabbed the sign he typically used when parking illegally. He placed it on the windshield as he left, telling the security guard that was walking over to read the sign. So the guard did and could only shake his head.

Have fun trying to tow a bus, asshole.

Walking into the comic shop with Nash, they immediately started looking around the place. Comic shops were always fun in one way or another. After two seconds of looking around, Crypes walked up to the guy at the register, "Got any D&D stuff around here?"

[The Gypsy Queen]

The first text buzzed me while I was in Quantum Physics. The next one got me while I was in my Chaucer class. The third and final text caught me at lunch. Cussing through a sandwich I yanked my cell phone and noticed all three missed messages from my dealer.

That kid is one sick puppy.

I give the messages a go over and they all say the same thing.
There’s a party at the cemetery and if I don’t go I’m a disgrace to potheads everywhere and that little shit will never sell me another dime if I don’t show up.

I make a face at the phone, which earns me some stares, but yeah, whatever. Instead of replying to my dealer, I instead text the one guy I know who can tell my for sure whether or not this party is half the shit my dealer is making it out to be.

Man, if that kid didn’t have the best shit around and the worst business sense in the world, I wouldn’t buy from him, but he lets his buyers tell him what the weed he sells is worth and believes them…

So I punch a quick text to Bob into my phone and send it off.

Hear about this party at the cemetery??? Wtf? U going? Also, pick me up at three or I will hate u.

I check the time and figure I have time to kill, so I pull out my French textbook and get to work on those future participles.

[OneCrazyyHippie]

As the wind slowly blew past his brow, Maynard simply drew another long breath as he relaxed his muscles. Meditation was a long and dedicated path towards self-realization and understanding, but it proved more than worth it with the lessons it bestowed.

Another breath left his nostrils.

The spirits of the dead were everywhere around him. He could sense them. See them. The local cemetary at whatever new dead beat town that Maynard had woke up in proved spiritually enriching enough to prompt him to dedicate the rest of his day to long meditation.

This breath lasted much longer and was much quieter.

The fungus was already initiating its defense against would-be predators, the warmth of the trip was already trickling up from his toes up his legs. It wouldn't be long before

he had to breathe again. That one caught him by surprise.

The graveyard was vibrating with a sensation of anxiety... Like it was looking forward to something. Maynard almost laughed at the thought of something a graveyard would look forward to. This thought quickly was followed by swift silence.

Another, shallow and faint breath leaves his lips.

And then silence.

And then wind.

And then silence.

[John]

Barry was happy. It was, after all, his favourite day of the week. Today was the day when the new comics arrived. For Barry, it was something that could not be measured with mere words. Not only did he get to read the new comics before anyone else, but it was always one of his better sales days for the shop. The day had been mostly uneventful. He spent his day bagging the new comics, and reading them of course. Barry’s usual regulars made there way in and out of the shop to purchase their particular comics and the occasional set of dice or hardcover Dungeons and Dragons manual.

Barry still had a feeling of unhappiness. His D&D game this evening had been cancelled, and as a result, he had nothing else to do. Barry supposed that he would most likely spend his evening trying to find a game online. And then cap off his evening with a little internet porn.

Barry looked up from the comic he was reading when he heard the familiar dinging which accompanied the door opening. Barry had never seen the person who entered before. He was short and appeared to be a little twitchy. He quickly glanced around the shop and approached Barry.

"Got any D&D stuff around here?" He spoke the words and Barry was convinced that he wasn’t from around here. Anyone who lived in town knew that Barry had an amazing selection of D&D accessories, not to mention the classic tomes and manuals that he had available as well. Barry figured that he must have come in from another town, having heard about the shop from a cousin, or some other relative, that lived in town.

“You must be new in town,” Barry began. “Yeah, I got tons of D&D stuff. You name it, I got it.” Barry was smiling. He had a new customer, and if Barry had what he wanted, it could mean more new customers.

“The name’s Barry my friend, and I’ve got dice, books, modules, and miniatures. If you’re looking for something a little more classic, I have sealed copies of some of the older classic modules.” Barry leaned over the counter and lowered his voice slightly. A sly look came on his face.

“If you’re interested, I even have a copy of The Lost Caverns of Tsojcanth, signed by Gary Gygax himself.” Barry continued smiling and waited for a response. He sincerely hoped that the customer had more money than he appeared to. The autographed module was worth quite a bit of money, and if he could sell it, there would be no end to the comics he could buy.

[Stream]

“One for you.” Chris said, blowing the smoke from his mouth and into the top of his lizard’s cage. The reptile squirmed a bit, perched on the gnarly looking piece of wood placed inside of his cage. His small green feet shambled off of his tiny throne, retreating back into the safety of a small half log he called home.

“And one for me...”

Though there were more than enough cans of A&W strewn about Chris’s bedroom to build a pyramid to rival that of a soda can scale model of a pyramid, only one was special to him. A small indent made on the side with a few poles poked inside to let the smoke draw in, and he had the absolute worst way to get high, ever.

The crapy zippo lighter he always used had been shorting out on him, making his thumb sore from all the damn times he had to flick it. Pay day was golden though, as the small amount of burned weed he did have on his can drew like steam, burning the back of his throat. Chris shambled over to his cracked window, tilting his head to the side to blow the smoke out between coughs.

He kneeled over his desk, coughing up spit onto a stack of essay papers he had worked on earlier. Fumbling for the inhaler strapped around his neck, he brought it up to his mouth and breathed off of it a few times.

“I will never stop smoking, no matter what signs God sends me. If there was a way to turn my inhaler into a pipe, I would. How’s that for a sick sense of humor?” he said, point staring at his ceiling as if somebody were listening to him. Maybe all of those “Truth” ads were right about stoners being jackasses.

Zilla poked his head out of his small hutch, probably to subconsciously laugh at my coughing fit. Only rookies cough. Make no mistake, reptiles do understand what’s going on around them, and they are gigantic pricks.

Chris tapped his finger onto the glass enclosure, only as a hope to piss Zilla off a bit.

“You know, while you’re stuck in there doing whatever lizards do all damn day, I’ll be at a cemetery, doing drugs with complete strangers in the middle of nowhere. Who’s laughing now?” Zilla raised his head up at Chris, bobbing it a bit, probably laughing again.

Retrieving a small piece of dry lettuce from a bag next to his glass home, Chris waved the crunchy green leaf in front of Zilla for a few seconds before he stuffed it inside of his mouth.

“You’re not that bad for a lizard. Be good while I’m gone, don’t get into any trouble. And for God’s sake, if anyone offers you drugs, say no.”

[Mad-Madam-Mimm]

Billie looked up at the carnage on the road, her large hazel eyes following big pitches and tyremarks screeching down the grassy, muddy verge, and the tainted muddy pool where the lake had once been. Smiling, she flicked back her ratty mess of hair, and hitched up her backpack.
"It's a good thing I'm looking for Crypes." She muttered to herself. "I could be frikkin' baked and not miss that." She moved on, into town, and raised an eyebrow as she saw the gargantuan figure of the bus, looming over a somewhat baffled traffic warden.
"If I were you..." she smiled as she walked past him, and he nodded, walking on. "now... If I was Crypes, and I was in a new town..."

She was tempted to light up and drift up, but she was really kind of hoping to keep a low profile this time around. She bit her lip and made an odd clicking noise. What if he didn't want to see her? What if he was pissed? Maybe she should just turn tail and run now, hide out for a while longer... no...
"Honour is my life; both grown in one." she reprimanded herself, forcing herself to stop and growling, steeling some courage. "Take honour from me and my life is done."

She sighed, and slumped to a halt, leaning against the van and clutching her head in her hands.
"Fuck it." She muttered eventually, pushing herself up. She looked around, at a loss, but caught sight of a comic shop. Grinning, she made her choice. "there's a place and means, for every man alive." Hitchign up her backpack again, she shiverred slightly in the wind and pushed through the shop door. She didn't get far though, as the owner looked up almost immediately and started glaring.
"Oi. No. None of your kind in here."
"My kind?" Billie repeated, eyes wide with instinctive terror.
"You filthy scabs. No charity in here, if you can't buy anything then bugger off."
"Hey, buddy, I'm just..."
"I don't care, get out!"

Billie tried to look quickly around the various heads of people in the shop, but was muscled out quickly by the owner. She was pretty sure he tried to cop a feel as he pushed her out, but she was too busy being indignant to care.
"Discrimination, buddy!" She yelled, standing outside. "If you prick me, do I not bleed?" The owner stuck his finger up at her, and motioned for her to move on. "yeah, screw you too." She sighed, and started wandering on. What was she meant to do now? Wait by the bus? Walk on? She had prepared what she was going to say, but now it all seemed a bit stupid. She stole the guy's magic pot, he'd probably be pretty damn pissed... Awash in confusion again, she sat down outside the shop and glared at the door. Some passing woman dropped a ten pence for her.
"Ah well, silver linings."

[Crypes]

"Signed...Copy?" Nash said, apparently having a bit of trouble thinking straight at the moment. A wide grin came over his face as Crypes walked back over. "Signed copy? No shit? It's your lucky day, bro. But you might regret telling my friend here. He gets a bit nutso around....."

"Epic D&D!!! YEAH BABY!!!!"

"Told you....So hows about you do us a favor and tell us how much it's worth? I'm sure my hyper friend can afford it." Crypes pulled out yet another cigarette and lit it, this one giving off red smoke and a sweet aroma. "I'll be outside enjoying my little friend here." He said, walking outside.

Nash however, was scrambling through his pockets for his wallet. When he finally pulled it out, he sifted through over two dozen hundred dollar bills to look for a check and his credit card. "Uh....Cash, Credit, or check?"

Outside, Crypes started heading for the bus before he noticed a certain someone sitting outside a rival gaming shop. His eyes widened a bit, but he started walking towards the apparent homeless girl before dropping a ten at her feet when she wasn't paying attention. Sitting down next to her, he simply said, "Long time no see, Billie."

[Mad-Madam-Mimm]

Billie was staring into space, contemplating lighting up, when her attention was grabbed by a ten note lying at her feet.
"Long time no see, Billie"
"Fuck!" She squawked, clutching at her heart. "Don't do that, Crypes! All the crap I've been smoking through the years, my heart can't take stuff like that." She sounded annoyed, but she smiled as she said it. Eventually, she managed to drag her eyes up to look at him. "Small world, huh?"

She flashed a nervous smile, and sniffed. “A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” She mumbled the quote, looking at her hands.
"I..." She wanted to say "i'm sorry I left" or "i'm sorry I stole your stash", but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She felt like a naughty child. So she went a different track.
"I saw that carnage by the lake. Your work, right?" she grinned. "How's Nash? Any of the old group stick around?" She stood up, grabbing the ten and holding it out to Crypes. "You dropped this."

[Pope Jako III]

Bob smiled at his phone. Hmm let’s see 11:50 she’s studying, it takes 30 sec. for a text to transfer and she always has a cup of tea at 12:00 so she will attempt her first sip at 12:02 for cooling time. So… Bob set his timer and waited 11 min. and 30 seconds before hitting send.

As Ceri went to take to take a sip of her drink her phone buzzed in her lap causing tea to escape from the brim of her cup to parts on her person. The message read:

A little bird wants to know
Who’s the who and where to go
A place of death and loathing
Where the stones are said to be smoking
Word on the vine tells me this
It would be a sad night to miss
Yet not all is as it seems
There are forces yet unseen
To go is a risk and yet a challenge
For those who meet it not all may survive
The night of trials is at hand
I hope you are strong enough to stand
Alas all I can offer is this mon Ceri
… I’ll see you at three. XP

[John]

"Signed...Copy?" Nash said,. Barry thought he seemed like he was having a hard time concentrating. “Signed copy? No shit? It's your lucky day, bro. But you might regret telling my friend here. He gets a bit nutso around....."

"Epic D&D!!! YEAH BABY!!!!"

"Told you....So how’s about you do us a favour and tell us how much it's worth? I'm sure my hyper friend can afford it." Crypes pulled a cigarette and lit it. The smoke coming form the cigarette gave off a red smoke, and Barry thought it smelled like honeydew. "I'll be outside enjoying my little friend here." He said, walking outside.

Nash , was looking for his wallet. When he had finally found it he began to sift through a large amount of money. "Uh....Cash, Credit, or check?"

Barry’s eyes widened a little more when he saw the money in Nash’s wallet. Barry’s first thought was to up the price of the module as there was no doubt in his mind, that Nash could certainly afford it. Barry stopped himself and decided to give the guy a break on the price. It was good for business, and maybe they could bring more people into the shop.

“Well normally something like this would be worth quite a bit of money ,”Barry began, “But, since I’m figuring you guys could be good customers for me, I’ll let it go for seven hundred.” Barry was smiling and reached for a small velour bag.

Barry opened a panel on the glass counter and began to fill the bag with dice from the boxes in the counter. As he placed the dice in the bag, he thought the colours seemed to be more vibrant than usual. He could also still smell the aroma of the cigarette, though it smelled like a hint of maple syrup and been mixed in with the honeydew. Barry realised that he was starting to feel hungry. It wasn’t that his stomach was growling, he had just eaten a sandwich before the two had entered the shop. Barry just felt a need to eat. He wanted something salty. Perhaps a bag of potato chips. No he felt like Mexican. Maybe some tortilla chips, with salsa.

Barry had finished putting the dice in the bag. It was a complete set and he even threw in a couple of extra six sided dice. He put the bag on the counter and started to speak.

“You know, I will even throw in this set of dice as well.” Barry was anticipating the sale to come when a new thought entered his head. If these guys were buying a module, maybe they had a game to go to. “So you guys got a game somewhere? I usually have a game here tonight, but it got cancelled, so I have nothing to do. I would love to get in on a game.” Barry was trying hard not to appear too eager, but was having a hard time controlling himself.