[M] What Once Was Lost [Namingtoohard & Ashen]

[Ashen]

The smell of cinnamon, though usually calming, seemed invasive as it wafted from Luuk's drink. The hand holding his cup was shaking and he silently cursed himself for it. The coffee shop was nice, and many students often came here to have a quiet spot to get work done or meet up with friends, but now, it had a whole new meaning. Would this be the place his entire life became clear?

Luuk set his cup down and sat on his hands. His eyes burned into Natalie as she spoke, teaching him about parents he never remembered knowing. A history professor... It figured. Luuk would laugh at the irony later. He'd been studying history so long that he'd forgotten the appeal of other subjects, but man did he hate history. He wondered what kind of history his mother specialized in--did she get excited teaching about modern wars, or perhaps she was more into ancient civilizations--but he figured those questions would come after the painfully long line of others in his mind. His father was an athlete--that was interesting. He'd always been quick for someone who didn't regularly work out. Was that because of his father? Luuk readied his new questions--what university does she teach at? what team does he play for?--but Natalie's next words crushed his hopes of ever meeting his real parents.

They were dead. Luuk's gaze fell to the floor, though his expression gave little away. His parents were dead. All the time he'd spent looking for them, hoping with all of who he was that they'd like him, they'd be proud of him, and they were dead. He should have suspected as much, but then why did it hurt like this? Luuk cleared his throat. His parents didn't hate him; they never would be able to. Suddenly his whole life felt like a waste.

Eventually Luuk looked back to the bearer of bad news. All of his questions were suddenly forgotten. Whatever desire he'd had of getting to know his parents was gone, replaced with a bitter emptiness he refused to acknowledge. He looked down at his cup, the light liquid still steaming. "Why are you here," he asked, though the emotion in his voice was now gone. "Did you just come to tell me the people I'd spent years looking for are dead? Why?"

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie had known a great deal of adoptees and orphans in her life. Not a big number on paper, but certainly more than most people could claim familiarity with. In her experience, the vast majority of them viewed the topic of their parentage one of two ways. They either regarded them with overpowering curiosity as they wondered what they were missing out on, or with total disinterest and disregard for those who had abandoned them. Natalie already had her suspicions, but she watched Luuk closely even as the words slipped from her mouth, trying to gauge his reaction. His downcast eyes were enough to give her a clue, and in that moment she felt a wave of sympathy roll over her.

Natalie waited out the pause that followed in something akin to thoughtful silence, punctuated only by another brief sip from the warm coffee that she held cupped in her hands. The deadpan nature of his voice was enough to confirm some of her thoughts, and while she prickled a little at the accusatory words, Natalie did her best to suppress any annoyance she felt.

"I came to give you answers to any questions you might have. To give you an opportunity to learn something about them, instead of spending your whole life wondering" she answered, meeting his gaze calmly. Another half-truth, but a more earnest one. Hopefully something in him would respond - the aspiring scholar part, if not the child.

"You might not ever get the chance to meet them, but you can still get to know them a little, through me. Maybe learn a little something about yourself in the process" she offered, before giving a casual shrug; one that seemed perhaps a little too nonchalant, given the current topic of discussion. "But only if you want to, of course. I'm not going to force you into it, if you'd prefer ignorance to grief."

[Ashen]

The more this Natalie spoke, the more Luuk grew to dislike her. She spoke with an authority he didn't understand, and though he wanted to dissect her, find out every little detail of her, there were several things stopping him. She was right: this was his chance to get to know the people who had given him life, who had raised him for those distant, forgotten years. How could he ever get to know two people in just a few wasted questions, a few quick breaths? One conversation would never be enough, but what choice did he have?

The boy was silent for a long while, staring into his steaming cup and pondering his words. As an academic, he was used to mincing his thoughts for minutes before offering his opinions, but as a curious orphan longing to know more, he could not choose a single question. What did he want to know most? He wanted to know what perfumes his mother wore, what dish his dad loved to make, what date was regarded as his parents' favorite; he wanted to know the intimate details, but he doubted this woman could tell him all that. The more he thought, the more frustrated he got. Why was it so hard to ask something? Natalie was waiting, and he had a plethora of good choices, but suddenly none of them seemed enough. There was no question that would let him know his parents like he wanted to.

So he changed his focus. "I want to know about you," he said, surprising himself. University had taught him the importance of being critical of his sources, and he still knew nothing about this woman claiming to have known the people who had remained hidden from him for years. "I don't believe you're here just to give me answers. You would have come earlier. I agonized over my family in my adolescence; surely then would have been a better time to offer answers. Why now? And what would you get from this?" He kept his gaze with her, daring to look away. Luuk was surprised by his gall, his somewhat aggressive tone. Was he ruining the only chance he had to find out more? But he needed this, needed to get himself going. He needed to know something.

He wrapped his hands around his mug and started again, this time trying to keep his voice more level. "I want to know who you are. Some friend of my parents' isn't a good enough answer. You're more connected than that, otherwise you wouldn't be here. So tell me, what are you trying to gain?"

[Namingtoohard]

True to her word, Natalie didn't try to push or beguile Luuk any further. She had spoken her piece, and now the rest was up to him. It was possible that he would simply decide to stand up and walk out, but somehow Natalie doubted that he would. He had reacted so strongly to the news of his parents' deaths just a few moments ago, she somehow doubted that he would let this opportunity slip him by.

She pursed her lips in distaste when he decided to choose a different tactic altogether, instead questioning her motives for approaching him. It was an intelligent line of thought, and perhaps somewhat expected considering the roundabout method she had used to approach him. She had been hoping that the topic of his parents would prove enticing enough to distract him, but apparently she had misjudged. Her wish to pique his curiosity had come true, but not in quite the manner she had expected.

What was it that people said about being careful what you wished for?

"I suppose asking you to believe that I'm simply trying to do the right thing is out of the question, then" she answered, a wry smile flickering across her features. She averted her eyes then, staring out the window of the coffee shop for a few quiet moments as she tried to gather her thoughts. Just how much could she share without giving the whole game away? How much did she need to reveal so that he would be satisfied enough to avoid pushing the topic beyond the limits of what she was prepared -or able - to say this early on?

"To put it simply, I fucked up. I was in a tough spot and made a mistake that pissed off a lot of people, your parents included. I never got to make my peace with them before they passed away" she offered, finally turning her gaze back from the window to Luuk. Taking a shaky breath, she continued.

"I suppose that this is my way of trying to make it up to them, at least in part.

[Ashen]

Luuk couldn't tell for sure, but it seemed like Natalie was irritated that he'd asked about her and not the celebrities of the conversation. She turned away, breaking eye contact--did she have something to hide? Was she about to lie to him? But her words cleared his traces of doubt, and he turned away too. Her words offered him little information--how badly was this fuck-up? Had his parents suffered because of her? But the way she seemed to shrink behind her coffee mug, the way her voice was met with a slight quake; this girl was guilty, pathetic even, and Luuk had no right to dig into a painful past she did not want to relive.

And yet. While Luuk didn't want to make this girl uncomfortable, she was the only source of information he had and was undoubtedly invaluable to him, but he wanted to know more. He was starving for knowledge, and he needed to be satiated. Did he keep pressing and risk losing his only informant? That question caused his headache to intensify. He opened his mouth, then closed it, thinking otherwise. Luuk looked to his cup and he gave a long, exhausted sigh.

"I have no memory of them," Luuk admitted softly. "It's weird, but none of my foster families could find any information about them. I should have suspected they'd be dead, but it makes no sense that they would just disappear like that. Yet... I think a part of me knows they would appreciate you reaching out to me."

His breaths were starting to even out, and Luuk took a sip from his drink. "You said my mum was a history professor," he murmured. "What sort of history did she teach? Where was she from herself? And Dad, he played football? For what team did he play? Did he travel a lot for it?" Luuk was conscious of the pacing of his questions, but he couldn't help the quantity of them; they poured out of his mouth, endless. He hesitated after a while, apologized for bombarding the poor woman, and looked around. "Perhaps it would be better to learn all these things not all at once." He reached into his pocket and grabbed the receipt from the coffee shop, then grabbed a pen from another pocket. Luuk scribbled his name and phone number and even put his school address. "I'd like to talk to you more, Natalie. Actually... I think you can help me save my grade." He chuckled softly. He'd almost forgotten about his project entirely.

[Namingtoohard]

A wry smile twisted up the corners of Natalie's mouth - Luuk's reward for both his attempt at comforting her, and the barrage of questions that followed. Whilst she was grateful for the boy's kind attempts at reassurance, she felt a little awkward for making him feel that such a thing was necessary in the first place. Still, she had gotten what she wanted, and that was enough a cause for celebration, regardless of the means she had used - or been forced into using - to accomplish it.

"Maybe not. There's no need to rush into this" she offered rather simply, forgoing his barrage of questions for the time being. Truth be told, she wasn't entirely certain that she would be able to accurately remember everything Luuk wanted to ask of her. There was no need to spoil their first meeting with that little fact, however.

Her smile when she took the receipt with Luuk's number scrawled onto it was much more genuine. Natalie immediately reached for a pocket, quickly producing her phone. An older model, it was perhaps a year or so out of date, and covered in plenty of scratches and marks that hinted at its age. Holding her phone in one hand and the scrap of paper in the other, she registered it under Luuk’s given name. After a few moments spent typing away at a speed that most teenagers would likely find appalling, Luuk's own phone would buzz. When he checked it, he'd find a short message from a previously unknown number, greeting him with an ambiguous 'hey'. Contact details exchanged, Natalie turned her attention back to the topic at hand.

"Your grade? I wasn't aware that this was a purely intellectual pursuit for you" she answered as she slipped her phone away again, a hint of amusement dancing behind her eyes. "Well, I’d be happy to try and help you out. You know how to find me now, so hopefully we'll be able to arrange another meeting soon. One where I'll actually be able to answer some of your questions properly."

Downing the rest of her coffee in a few hearty sips, Natalie pried the plastic lid from the cup and set about licking the foam from the inside in what most would consider a rather childish display. After she was done the woman rose to her feet, chair scraping against the ground softly as she absentmindedly pushed it back.

“In any case, it was nice to meet you. Oh, and thanks for the coffee. Can’t remember if I said that the first time.”

[Ashen]

There was something different about this woman now, Luuk realized. It was as if, now that she had met with Luuk, there was a weight off her shoulders. How heavily had this been weighing on her? He watched her new smile, a wider and cheerier one, and he watched the way she licked the lid of her coffee cup. Luuk turned away, smiling himself. He was no good at ages, his only hint was that Natalie was probably around his parents' age, whatever that was, but in that moment, she looked nothing more than a relieved kid.

He stammered a bit, shaking his head. "It's not purely intellectual," he said quietly, though he recognized that it was a joke and he let the subject waver. Luuk considered something, then asked, "Do you mind if I do send you a list of questions later? It's alright if you can't answer them all, but I do have a hefty autobiographical project due soon, and my entire university career depends on it. No pressure, of course." He flashed her a grin. Somewhere along the line of this conversation, he'd come to terms with the conditions surrounding this project, and he felt more relaxed about it. He still had a lot to do, enough that he might have to skip some classes and drown in some more coffee, but at least now, finally, he had a lead.

They said their goodbyes, a little too formally for his tastes, and Luuk got up to leave. He looked outside, at the rain still slightly trickling down umbrellas and aggravated passersby's faces. Bundling himself up, Luuk set off back towards campus, back to his room, and he plopped down on his bed. He took out his phone and added Natalie to his contacts, then wondered how long he should give her before he sent her his questions. He considered calling Karen, but he thought to wait a little longer, to find out, without any doubt, that Natalie was one hundred percent legit. So, Luuk made his way to his desk, opened his laptop, checked the assignment sheet again, and he started writing with what little information he had.

As he often did while he was writing papers, Luuk lost track of time. He jumped a bit when his computer made a notification noise. He had an email from Dr. Vetere, his history professor. The email was just to check up on Luuk, something not uncommon for the too-nice professor. Luuk assumed Dr. V checked up on most of his students. In the email, there was a question about his project, a simple Have you found anything yet? that intrigued Luuk. He replied instantly saying he had new ideas, and he thanked Dr. V for checking up. The professor's timing was curious, but Luuk didn't waste much time pondering the coincidence. He instead texted Natalie.

Hey. I'm going to send these to you now, but you can get to them whenever.

He typed up the list of questions required of his project, throwing in a couple extra as well. After he hit send, Luuk could feel it get much easier to breathe. Maybe he wouldn't fail after all; maybe he'd finally be satisfied.

[Namingtoohard]

After a quick confirmation that she would do her best to answer any questions sent her way, Natalie finally departed the little coffee shop. She stepped through the doorway and back out into the rain beyond, before making the short walk back to her car in haste. After a brief delay spent scrambling to extract her keys from her pocket, Natalie slipped inside, only moderately wet and in an astonishingly good mood. Now that their first meeting was over, she was astonished by how much better she felt. As is so often the way with these things, any feelings of anxiety had vanished completely, and Natalie found herself wondering why she had ever been worried in the first place.

The trip home seemed to pass rather quickly, and before she knew it Natalie was home once more. She slipped back inside and promptly turned on a small gas heater that sat in the corner of her living room, which began its work in earnest. After laying out fresh set of clothes out in front of it, she retreated to the bathroom for a warm and relaxing shower.

Once she was changed, Natalie spent the rest of her evening in a rather leisurely manner. A simple yet tasty dinner, a rather self-indulgent serving of ice cream for dessert, despite the cold, and a few carefree hours spent practicing her craft. Unlike last time, she didn’t bother with a proper forgery, like she had done with the coffee table earlier. Just a few simple exercised to practice her penmanship, with some music on in the background for good measure. All in all, it had shape up to be a very good day.

When her phone chimed to alert her to a message from Luuk, Natalie glanced across the room at it briefly. After a few moments spent finishing her current practice task, she quickly set down her pen and moved to answer it. She picked up her mobile, only to scowl when she remembered the ink on her hands. A few moments later, after she had managed to wipe off her hands - and the phone - she sent him a preliminary reply.

I can’t promise that my memory will be perfect, but I’ll answer as much as I can

Fully aware that Luuk was probably working under some sort of time frame for his project, Natalie did her best to answer the questions that followed in what little of the evening remained. Some of them went unanswered due to a lack of knowledge on her part, and she had to settle for a best guess at a few where her memory was slightly spotty. She finished it off the morning that followed, and sent her full response off to Luuk well before midday. True to her word, he would quickly find himself in possession of a partially completed list of answers. Enough for him to begin his project in earnest, at the very least, and hopefully satisfy something of his personal longing at the same time.

[Ashen]

Luuk awoke to his loud roommate's footsteps in their common area. He groggily sat up, cursed himself for falling asleep at his desk again, and peered his head into the main room. "Frankie?" he murmured quietly. "It's four in the morning..." After getting up and straightening himself, Luuk checked for a response from Natalie. There was nothing; had he sent too many questions? What if she wasn't the real thing after all? Trying his best to push his anxieties aside, Luuk hopped into bed. His head resting on a real pillow this time, he told himself everything would be figured out in the morning, and he went to sleep.

When Luuk got up to start his day, he was disappointed to find a lack of notifications on his phone. Give her time, he kept reminding himself. He hopped over to his laptop and looked through what he had written so far of this project. There were too many blanks, and he had written just about all he could have with how little information he currently had. Deciding there was nothing he could do, he set off for his other classes and tried to distract himself from the assignment.

His phone went off during his lecture, a piercing sound that he'd forgotten to silence. Luuk tried to ignore the eyes that turned to him. It was a feat that his professor hadn't heard it; otherwise, she didn't think this interruption worth stopping her explanation of environmental factors of some war. Luuk hadn't quite been paying attention, but now his focus was completely subsided; Natalie responded. He read over her message a few times, learning the facts of his parents, of himself, for the very first time. He spent several minutes thinking on her answers, and he didn't look up until he realized everyone was staring at him. His professor, evidently, had asked him a question. Luuk mumbled a kind of apology, grabbed his backpack, and scurried out of the lecture hall in the middle of class. He had more important things to do than learn last-minute details about some war he didn't care about. He had a paper to write.

Back in his room, Luuk threw down a shot of whatever alcohol Frankie had been keeping in the fridge. He sat down to write, learning more as he went along. His parents were foreigners who had met in the UK. His mother ended up teaching here; his father ended up playing here. Natalie didn't know much about his grandparents, which would penalize his project enough, but there were loads of other things left blank too. Luuk couldn't blame her, of course--it wasn't her fault his parents hadn't told her maiden names and birthdates--but he wished he could find out more. Even with their names he could get nowhere. Why had his parents had no online presence? Luuk wrote furiously, writing what he could, though as the hours ticked by, he realized he was not writing to his trusted Dr. V anymore. Somehow, somewhere in his now six-page paper, his audience had shifted to a young boy, alone, looking for answers he didn't know he would ever find.

It was suppertime by the time Luuk finished writing. He had more to go still--no paper less than twelve pages would even be accepted by the strict Dr. V--but he was satisfied with what he'd started. In addition to the essay, he had to draw family trees with more than just names. Since he didn't know his grandparents, Luuk focused more on the culture, on his mother's native Netherlands and his father's Germany. He had researched both country's histories, the languages, the intricate traditions. Hours of work he'd poured into this project in a single day, where most of his class had had weeks. Finally spent, Luuk poured himself another shot of Frankie's alcohol, making a mental note to pay the kid back later. Realizing he had never responded to Natalie's text message, Luuk grabbed for his phone and started a quick response.

You're a lifesaver. I owe you a few more coffees for all of this

Hitting send, Luuk turned away from his computer and sighed. He had progress. That was more than he could have said just days ago. Checking the time, Luuk collapsed onto his bed again. He would make himself a meal shortly, but all he wanted to do was lie down and bask in the comfort of knowing he finally knew something​.

[Namingtoohard]

For the second time that week, Natalie found her evening routine interrupted by the tell-tale buzz of a mobile phone on silent. After a few tense moments spent scrambling over furniture in search of the damnable thing, she was rewarded with just enough time to glance at the caller ID before answering. That way, she was able to keep most of the concern out of her voice when the voice of her ever-distant handler reached her ears.

“You decided to contact the Schnell boy directly”

Monotonous, formal, and straight to the point – that was her mystery employer. It was, apparently, time for the conversation that Natalie had been dreading ever since she had first made direct contact with Luuk. Not for the first time, she found herself wondering just how he was getting his information. Still, if the man on the other end of the line was upset or angry with her sudden change in tactics, his voice certainly didn’t give it away.

Natalie tried to take that as a good sign.

“Yes”

“Why?”

Natalie dry-swallowed once. Took a brief moment to squash the butterflies she felt fluttering in her stomach. When she spoke up again, the woman did her best to sound casual, almost flippant. Not at all like she had already prepared an answer, fearing this moment as inevitable.

“The boy had started showing some signs of distress loosely related to my work. I decided that a more hands-on approach was necessary” she started. The voice on the other end declined the chance to comment, silently prompting her to continue. “I decided that a face to face meeting would give me the chance to judge just how severe the problem was, and put me in a position to take quick action if needed”

Truth be told, Natalie sounded a lot more confident than she felt. Or did she merely hope that was the case?

“Is it going to be an issue?”

“I don’t think so, but it’s a little early to say for sure. I may need to meet with him again, just to make sure”
A tense silence followed, during which Natalie could feel her heart in her throat. Several imaginary scenarios ran through her mind, largely driven by fear as to what he might do. Anything from cutting off all contact with Luuk to more drastic action seemed plausible, given that the people her contact represented had already proven themselves willing to kill in the past. She was starting to wonder if the line had gone dead when the man on the other end spoke up again.

“Continue your duties for the time being. If something like this happens again, you will contact us before you take action.” It wasn’t a question. Regardless, Natalie was suddenly overcome with relief.

“Yes sir”

A single beep let her know that the line had gone dead, and Natalie let out a soft sigh. Quickly flickering over to Luuk’s most recent message, which she had seen but not yet replied to, she quickly thumbed a reply.

I'll gladly take you up on that offer some time. Just name the time and place

Truth be told, Natalie was feeling surprisingly eager to meet up with Luuk again, though logically she knew there was no reason to rush. After a few scarce moments, she quickly typed and sent another.

If any more questions spring to mind, just let me know. For your project or just personal curiosity

Natalie quickly reminded herself that Luuk might want to focus on her project, or might not even be interested in meeting again now that he had the information he required. Even if he did get back to her, it might be a while until she was able to reveal her true intentions. In this, as with all things, she quietly counselled herself to be patient.

That didn't stop her from grinning as she sat down and resumed her work, however.