[M] What Once Was Lost [Namingtoohard & Ashen]

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie endured the silence that followed her explanation with good-natured patience, more than happy to give Luuk all the time he needed to process this new information. The former teacher was pointedly aware that they were discussing things beyond Luuk’s current skill level, and that some of the concepts they were discussing could be difficult to wrap your head around, even for those well prepared. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t have spoken to him about soul stamps for another several months yet. And that was to say nothing of the more morally dubious topics she’d addressed, and all the implications that accompanied them.

When Luuk finally spoke, and just prompted her to go on, Natalie was momentarily stunned. She paused with her mouth open, just for a moment, before remembering herself. She’d anticipated plenty of different questions, prepared answers to them in advance, but this was one possibility she hadn’t expected. It felt like proof of how important this information was to Luuk, and if that were the case, then Natalie saw no reason to deprive him any longer.

“It’s not just what your mother did, but what the two of us did together.” Natalie fidgeted for a moment, visibly uncomfortable. Uncertain, even. These things had happened more than ten years ago, and Natalie hadn’t breathed a word of them to anyone since. It felt wrong to speak of it now, after so long. She’d promised Luuk that she would tell him, though, and Natalie planned to keep her word. There was no turning back now, no matter how painful ripping open these old wounds proved to be.

“Back when we first met, I told you about the time a group of humans started hunting down mages. Do you remember?” She’d wait patiently until Luuk nodded a confirmation, before pressing onwards. “After they killed your father, Tess and I were both terrified that we’d be next, so we put our heads together and came up with a plan. We approached the people who were coming after us, and offered them a compromise of sorts. A way they could get rid of the mages without further bloodshed.”

Unable to look at Luuk any longer, Natalie averted her gaze again. While her head was turned towards the building in front of them, the look in her eyes was distant, unfocused. “We told them that we’d use our power to wipe all knowledge of magic from the mind of every person who had ever used it. That we’d break our biggest taboo in a way that would ensure nobody else practiced magic ever again. Then, we’d devote the rest of our lives to monitoring these people, to making sure magic never returned, if only they’d spare us. They agreed.”

At this point, Natalie let out a soft sigh. Her shoulders drooped a little, disappointment etched into every line of her being. “I know how it sounds. Back then, we told ourselves that we were doing it for everyone’s sake. That a life without magic was better than a premature death. The lesser of two evils and all that. Now, though, think I can finally admit that was just to soothe our guilty consciences. An empty justification we used to make ourselves feel better. I just didn’t want to die. Your mother, on the other hand…we never spoke about it, but I suspect that she was worried about you. That she didn’t want to leave you an orphan.” Natalie punctuated her words with a sideways glance towards Luuk, before she’d turn away again.

“We did our work well. Too well. In less than a month, we tracked down and every living person who practiced magic, barring ourselves, and wiped their memories. Afterwards, we created new lives for them. Set them up in little makeshift families, and gave them fake memories to fill in the gaps. Then, when we were done, we arranged a meeting with the people we were working for.”

At this point, Natalie shook her head slightly, deriding her past self for her foolishness. She suspected that, by this point, Luuk had figured out where this was going. Now that she’d started, though, the former teacher found it impossible to stop. “We met them in a small park, late at night. Neutral ground, where nobody would be watching. When we arrived, we reported on our progress. Told them that we’d finished our initial work, so there was no need for any more bloodshed. That we’d do as promised, and monitor them for the rest of our lives, to make sure our magic never failed, and theirs never returned. Since we’d kept our word, we expected them to keep theirs, too. Like fools.”

Even now, so many years later, Natalie could remember that night with perfect clarity. The way a young Dr. V had nodded his satisfaction at their report. The way Tess had turned to leave, only for the professor to reach into his coat, and pull out a gun. She remembered screaming a warning, but too late. Then her ears had started ringing, and the smell of blood had filled the air. There was no point burdening Luuk with any specifics, though. Nor was there any way to soften the blow, really. So, she just came out and said it.

“As soon as your mother turned her back, Vetere pulled out a gun and shot her. When I tried to help, he turned the gun on me, and demanded I stop. He told me that monitoring the others was a one-person job, so our deal wasn’t fulfilled while there were two of us alive. That I was the lucky one. Natalie practically spat the word, before she finally fell silent.

That was that, then. Natalie felt like there was more to say, but she wasn’t sure what, so she opted to remain silent. Gave Luuk time to digest this new information, again. What would he think of her, now he knew the greater extent of her failings? Would this new information change how he viewed the mother he’d spent his entire life missing? Would he damn them for their actions, call them misguided, or think them justified? All burning questions that Natalie wanted the answers to, but didn’t dare ask. So instead, she waited. Again.

There was still the topic of the house before them that had to be addressed. The reason they were here, and her idea for how Luuk could help. But that would have to wait. Hopefully Luuk would still want to talk to her afterwards. Long enough to hear her out, at least.

[Ashen]

As Natalie continued with her explanation of what had happened in the past, Luuk’s mind tried to piece together all the information she was giving him and jump at its own conclusions. He had assumed that their enemies—Dr. V, and whomever he’d been working with over a decade ago—had succeeded in killing every mage but Natalie, but that didn’t explain why he could do what he could, or why he didn’t remember any of it. He was surprised to hear his mother and Natalie had come up with a plan together to stop the genocide of their people. They had wanted to kill magic, not mages, an unfortunate obligation to sparing their kind.

Luuk recalled Dr. V’s confusion when he had taken his memories. He once again thought of the life the man would live now, missing chunks of his own past. Luuk knew what that was like. He thought of Natalie, who now lived with memories that weren’t hers and a fleeting sense of her own identity. Luuk couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for all mages to lose themselves like that, to the great taboo of human magic—but then, of course he could. He had been one of those mages. Luuk turned away, his pale eyes darkening as his brow creased. The reason he couldn’t remember anything about his family, his magic, or himself was because his mother had taken all that away. To protect him, he reminded himself. To spare him from the same senseless death his father had faced.

Pain spread from his chest, deep and inconsolable, and Luuk couldn’t exactly place where it was coming from. He wanted to be thankful for his mother—she’d saved him, after all—but he was angry at her for taking herself away from him. For forcing Luuk to grow up without her, without memory of her, without knowing anything about who he once had been. If his mother had spared him her magic, he surely would have died. It was dumb, to wish for such an outcome. But the boy who had grown up without his mother longed for it, for the feel of his mother’s embrace being the last memory he would ever know.

He imagined his mother. Luuk imagined the woman he’d spent his whole remembered life dreaming about, the one with his pale eyes, or his sandy hair, or his awkward smile. He imagined her arm wrapped around his body, her hand brushing his cheek, her traitorous tears landing on the crown of his head. The touch of her fingers was all it had taken to sever their magical bond, to alter both their lives forever.

Luuk wondered what he had been like. A child of fifteen, had he been embarrassed to be so close to his mum? Had he tried to push away, not knowing it would be the last of her hugs he’d ever receive? Had she trusted him to the truth then, shared with him the pain of being apart, and maybe even the promise of re-teaching him everything she was taking away? But she’d never gotten that chance. And even if she knew it was a lie, Luuk wished he could hear that promise again. He would cherish it now, hold it close to his heart, and he would never forget it.

He turned his attention back to Natalie, trying to keep up with her confessions. His mind, ever overactive, was focused on too many things, too many truths revealed by Natalie’s revelation. Most powerful of his emotions was anger, which surprised him. He was angry at his mother, angry at Natalie, both for having taken everything from him. He was angry at the world, for cursing his people and for leading to their extinction. He was angry at having had to grow up not knowing about the sacrifices made to keep him alive.

Natalie explained what had happened to her mother and just how senseless her death had been. He couldn’t blame Natalie for what had happened. They had been betrayed, and it was just chance that left Natalie alive and not Luuk’s mother. He knew Natalie’s pain was greater than his, and he couldn’t imagine the darkness in her heart after everything that had happened. They had both lost families, friends, their identities, but Natalie had had to live with the weight of what once she’d lost, the guilt of her failed attempts to spare her brethren, while Luuk had forgotten it all, damned to live in search of a truth he never would have found alone. His pain paled in comparison to all that Natalie had witnessed, all she had done, and he turned away, embarrassed to have been mad at her at all. Natalie had done what she thought had been best. Luuk wondered if he would have done any differently.

He realized, then, that Natalie had been checking in with the victims of her magic for years. The constant reminders, the constant guilt, and the threat of Dr. V’s power preventing even a single day off. She had lived these last ten years tortured and afraid, and Luuk realized she was stronger than he could ever be.

And he wondered, when Natalie had reached out to him so long ago now, when she had sent him that email and agreed to meet him at that coffee shop, had she done so in an attempt to right what she had wronged? Or had she just been lonely, in need of someone with whom she could share the burden of her past? Whatever reason she had found him, Luuk couldn’t blame her. And…he was glad she’d taught him, despite all the things they’d had to face, despite all the painful truths Luuk had needed to learn.

Luuk turned his attention back to her, struggling to find the right words to say. He was filled with warring emotions—with resentment and anger and relief and gratitude and horror and sorrow—but there would be time later to process all of those. There would be time to address all of the things he could not yet describe, time to find help in coming to terms with the years he couldn’t remember, the past months he thought he would never survive. But for now, he and Natalie were here, alive, and it was thanks to her sacrifices and the sacrifice the other mages had made. He did not intend to waste them.

He nodded awkwardly, talking with his hands even before his mouth started moving. “Thank you,” he told her quietly. “For telling me all this. I know it probably wasn’t easy to.” He hesitated. “And thank you for…for doing this, too. All the sacrifices you’ve made to protect people. You have a good heart, Natalie. I know you probably haven’t spoken about this with anyone, and I’m honored, but I also want to tell you… It wasn’t your fault. You were betrayed, and Dr. V… He deserves worse than he got, for putting you through this.”

Luuk was no good at making people feel better, and he could feel his cheeks warm with his attempt. He didn’t know what else to say, or how to assure Natalie. But he could show her. With enough time, he was sure he could show her that her sacrifices had been worth it. If he had to single-handedly bring magic back to the world, to keep alive the art his ancestors had perfected, then somehow, he would do it.

Which brought him back to the only thing Natalie had yet to address. Luuk looked at the house they’d been standing in front of. Natalie had sad it belonged to people his mother had known. He wondered if they, too, had forgotten about her, and about their connection to her. Had they been mages, once, too? Luuk put things together himself, and he turned to Natalie, confusion spelt across his face. She didn’t want him to undo the magic she and his mother had done so long ago, did she? But he wasn’t skilled enough for that. He shook his head, trying to not jump to conclusions like he so often did. “So this house,” he said slowly, urging Natalie to go on.

[Namingtoohard]

Luuk’s eventual answer meant a great deal to Natalie, and not just because of the thanks and praise that he offered. It was the unspoken forgiveness that his words implied that made it feel like a great weight had been lifted from her chest. Natalie knew full well that his approval wasn’t enough to absolve her of all mistakes. That he didn’t speak for all the people that she had ever wronged. That forgiveness was something Natalie needed to find for herself. Rather, it was his willingness to move forward that she appreciated most. The revelation that, knowing everything she’d done, he still didn’t think her a monster. That he still wanted to speak with her, work with her, in spite of all her mistakes. That’s what mattered most to Natalie, and her relief was palpable.

“I’m glad you think so, Luuk. I feel like a good number of people would disagree, and I was worried that you would too. More worried than I’d like to admit, honestly.” A wry smile flickered across Natalie’s features while she spoke, vanishing just as quickly as it appeared. She looked set to say more, but Luuk’s former teacher hesitated, just for a moment, when he tried to direct her attention towards the house. They’d both said their piece; perhaps she should just leave it at that, and take the easy out that he’d offered her. Now that Natalie had finally opened up, though, she found it difficult to stop. Luuk had given her his forgiveness, and now his teacher felt like she needed him to understand just how grateful she was for it. Just how grateful she was for him.

“Before we get to the house, there’s one more thing I need to get off my chest, Luuk.” Natalie would clear her throat noisily before she continued, using the brief respite to help collect her thoughts. “There was a moment, before we met, when I considered sending myself down the same path as all the other mages. The guilt was so overwhelming, I almost used my soul stamp to remove my own magic and memories, just to be free of it. Then I told myself that if I was really so far gone, then I had nothing to lose by reaching out to you. I just want you to know that, standing here now, I’m very glad I did.”

When Natalie spoke those last few words, she threw another sideways glance towards Luuk. Offered him a shaky smile. Her thanks didn’t feel anywhere near as direct or eloquent as his had been, but he was smart. Luuk’s former teacher was sure that he’d understand. Now that was over, Natalie finally turned her attention to the last topic she’d wanted to cover today. The focus of Luuk’s most recent question, before she’d gone off on another tangent. The house that sat before them, and the reason that she’d chosen to have them meet here today.

“Now, the house. The people who lived here used to be mages, before your mother and I tampered with their minds. I’ve been coming to check on them regularly for years, but their memories have never shown any signs of returning. I always thought it was impossible…until I altered my own past.” At this point, Natalie finally straightened up. She stopped leaning on the fence and turned to face Luuk properly. When next she spoke, her voice was little more than a conspiratorial whisper, but a glimmer of excitement danced just behind her eyes. One that hadn’t been there a few moments earlier.

“We could never rebuild their memories from scratch, but after experiencing it myself, I realised that we don’t need to. All you have to do is remove the changes that your mother and I made, and everything else will come back to them.” Natalie was practically trembling with excitement, she realised, but there was no turning back now. “Back at the hospital, you told me that you wanted to help. Do something for all mages. Past, present, and future. Well, this is how, Luuk. You help by giving them back the magic that your mother and I stole from them.”

It was a lot to ask, Natalie knew. She’d just told Luuk that using magic on other people was taboo, after all, and with her own magic gone, he’d have to do all the real work. Beyond that, he’d still need a lot more practice before he’d be ready for a task this complex, and there were a lot of individual people whose memories they’d have to restore. Then they’d still need to explain everything that had happened to those poor individuals. Natalie would have to beg for their forgiveness. They’d need to try and help them adjust. After everything that had happened, though, Natalie couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

[Ashen]

Luuk was eager to find out why Natalie had brought him to this house, but when she delayed them with another confession, he turned to her with a new interest in his eyes. He was surprised to hear her reasons for contacting him, and after he took a moment to process them, he hesitated. Natalie had been relying on him, in a way, to show her that keeping her magic was still worth it. The realization dizzied him. If he had failed her—if he had deleted her email before ever responding, or if he had run away when she introduced him to their strange once-shared ability—what would have happened to Natalie? To all mages? Would magic have been erased from the world entirely?

Knowing that he had had that much power over the magic in the world was staggering, but he tried to swallow the thought. Everything had worked out in the end, hadn’t it? They were both still here, still alive, despite all of the things that had tried to ensure the opposite. Without trying, without even knowing, Luuk had somehow convinced Natalie that her magic was worth keeping. There was an irony in that. But Luuk was glad to have his teacher with him, even if she couldn’t perform the magic she wanted to. …Yet.

Ideas blossoming, Luuk looked back towards the house, his hands absently turning over the soul stamp he was still holding. The people living here could have been his aunts and uncles, his cousins, neighbors he was supposed to grow up with. But they had been changed—their lives had been stolen, had been spared. He wanted to meet them as much as he didn’t. What if they didn’t take well to the stranger going off about something they didn’t remember existing? What if they feared his magic? Natalie had been meeting with them regularly for years, but they didn’t know Luuk, didn’t know anything about magic, and Luuk had no idea how they would react to all of it. Would they, like Natalie feared, resent her for what she’d done? How would Luuk help people as stubborn as that?

Natalie continued, and the hint of her suggestion fell from her lips. She had brought Luuk here to introduce him to these people, to this family and many more. But there was more to it. She wanted to use magic to change them again. No—she wanted Luuk to change them.

Protests formed on his lips before he even had the chance to think them through. Luuk had been practicing magic for a few months; before that, he hadn’t even known it had existed at all. When Natalie and his mother had changed these people, they’d had their whole lifetimes up to that point of magical knowledge to work with. Luuk could never compare to that. He remembered what she had said about magic before all this, about performing magic on people, manipulating them, and the effects that that had had. Luuk didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to chance that, because if he ruined things, he would never be able to live with himself. Dr. V had been different, had been a monster—these were innocent people he could be fracturing.

Luuk grew silent, his gaze faraway, as he struggled to comprehend what Natalie meant. She wanted him to—not perform magic on people, no. Instead, he would perform magic on the magic already in place. The magic barring them from the locked memories of their own lives. That was different, Luuk had to admit, but it sounded so complicated that he didn’t know how he would ever manage it. But Natalie was right; he had said he wanted to help all mages, and he still wanted that with all his heart. What better way to do that then to return what once was lost?

The soul stamp in his hands captured his attention again. There were so many lines, so many intersecting patterns and shapes, that he was sure it would take an entire semester just to memorize all the lines, let alone understand them. But…he had the time. And he had Natalie. Even if she couldn’t explain what her magic had once meant, not yet, she was there to encourage him, and to bring him to the people he should have known, and to let them encourage him. It was a huge undertaking, one that would require many years of patience, tireless studying, of determination, but it would be worth it. It would be worth it to live in a world his parents would have been proud of, where mages were safe, and celebrated, and alive.

After wordlessly asking Natalie’s permission, Luuk pocketed the soul stamp. Then, he turned once more to face the quaint house. Inside was just one family he would be working to save from the blank slate of their memories, but it was a start. For now, he wanted to meet the people his mother had known and reintroduce them to the world he was determined to bring back to them. He offered a nervous smile to Natalie. There was a lot of work ahead of them both, but for now, they only had to take the first steps.

And so, with a nod towards each other, they walked towards the front door together.