[M] What Once Was Lost [Namingtoohard & Ashen]

[Ashen]

Luuk had to force himself to get up at 5:55. He'd been too comfortable to get up a moment before, but at this rate, he was going to be late to Dr. V's class. The night class started at six, and it would take Luuk five minutes to walk to the lecture hall, but he'd intended to grab some food for himself before heading to class. For a brief second the tired man considered skipping, but Dr. V's attendance policy was stricter than most. Luuk hopped out of his bed, his relief at having completed so much of his essay now gone, as he scrambled to find his backpack, stuff his laptop into it, and run out the door.

As he made his way there, Luuk realized this would be his last class in university. He was graduating in just over a week; next week contained only final exams and due dates for finishing papers and projects. After six long years, he was nearly done with university. With the family tree project hanging over him, he hadn't even noticed. What was he going to do? Most of his peers had a plan, but Luuk was only at this place to learn more about his parents. Somehow, he'd gotten closer to that goal; he supposed he was ready to leave university after all.

He walked into class at 6:01, to worried looks from peers and a stern glare from his professor. Dr. V was in the middle of saying something. Luuk slipped into his seat in the front and tried to pay attention. He was talking about the assignment more. It was due in five days now, but the professor was encouraging early submissions. When he finished exhausting his students with talk of their grades, he started his final lecture. All of his students were all too eager to leave, to put the finishing touches on this cursed project and be done with their school years for good.

After class, Luuk prepared to leave when Dr. V stopped him. "Can I get a moment with you?" asked the tired-looking professor.

Luuk turned around. "Oh, sure," he responded. "What's up?"

"I noticed you seem cheerier than usual," Dr. V commented. "Have you figured out on what you will focus your assignment?"

Luuk sat back down, knowing this conversation would probably be a lengthy one. He was in no rush to leave the hall; he was sure he was done working on his paper for now. Of course, there was more work to be done. In any of Dr. V's classes, there was always more work to be done. Luuk figured he would get to the rest of his project tomorrow, maybe even finishing it the day after that. He had most of what he needed, and an 80% was much better than the 0% he had before he'd met Natalie. He was happy to sit down with his favorite professor and talk all about his plans.

And that he did. Luuk sat with Dr. V for nearly an hour. He told him he'd met someone who had known his parents, and that she was helping him work things out. He was writing about his parents' migration to the UK, how they might have lived in their home countries, how their coincidental meeting caused them to move to a foreign country. Luuk was ranting, waving his hands around to accentuate his words, all too excited to talk about these things he didn't realize added such a sparkle to his eye. By the time he was finished Dr. V had a similar shine in his old brown eyes, and Luuk appreciated knowing his professor truly did care about his life. With a formal bow, Dr. V wished Luuk good luck with finishing his assignment, and he headed out of the lecture hall.

It was nearly 10 at night when Luuk finally left the room. His stomach gurgled loudly, and he remembered that he'd skipped tea that day. He prepared to go back to his dorm, but he stopped himself. Tonight was a night for celebrations. Tonight, he would treat himself to dining out.

On his way to a fancy restaurant, Luuk noticed that he had two texts from Natalie. He thought to reply to them on his way to the restaurant, but he stopped himself. He opened them again when he was seated at the restaurant. His mind wandered to the woman he had met with. Natalie had come out of thin air, with an unprovoked email timed all too perfectly. Was that just a coincidence, or did Natalie know things he did not? Was there more to this mystery woman than just a connection to his late parents? Luuk's thoughts were interrupted by the waiter who came to his table. He'd been too lost in thought to pay attention to the menu, so he pointed to the first thing he noticed, some seafood and rice dish that he wasn't particularly in the mood for, and wandered back to his thoughts. Luuk wondered just how much more he could ask of her, how much more he would see her. Looking around, a thought occurred to him. He wanted to know more about her, about this ghost of his forgotten past, and he knew text messages would not get him where he needed to be.

How would you like to go out to eat sometime, or even tonight if you're not busy?

It was late, and Luuk was foolish for trying, but he still sent her the address of the restaurant he was at. If Natalie could make it tonight, that'd be great, but he would easily go out with her elsewhere on another day. He was just glad to be on the right track again, and it was all thanks to his mystery girl.

[Namingtoohard]

By the time 10pm rolled around, Natalie was more or less ready for bed. She had changed into her pyjamas by this point, and was currently curled up on her couch with a book, content to whittle away the time until she was ready to turn in for the night. The ping of her phone cut through the peaceful silence that had settled into Natalie's apartment, and quickly drew the attention of its sole occupant. Just who would be messaging her at this hour? More than a little curious, she quickly put her bookmark in, set her book aside, and reached across to pluck her mobile phone from where it sat on the coffee table adjacent.

She was pleasantly surprised to see Luuk's name pop up on the screen, and quickly moved to open his message. The rather unexpected invitation to dinner within made Natalie pause, plagued with indecision. She was virtually ready for bed, and rather tired besides. At the same time, however, another meeting was exactly what she had been hoping for. Especially one that he had taken the initiative to set up. After a few moments, she quickly thumbed a reply stating that she was on her way, before pulling herself up off the couch to go and get ready.

Disappearing into her bedroom, Natalie spent a few moments rifling through her clothes, searching for something that was both clean and suitable. After finally settling on some faded jeans, a striped shirt and a grey cardigan, she headed for the door, pausing only to grab her keys and wallet on the way out.

Traffic proved light on the way to Luuk’s chosen restaurant, but that was unsurprising given the hour. Parking proved a little more challenging, but after just a few minutes of systematic searching she was able to find a spot that wasn’t too far. After zapping her car and double checking that it was locked behind her, she was faced with only a few short minutes of walking to the resturant’s front entrance. And as much as she would have liked to take it slow and enjoy the cool night air, she didn’t want to keep Luuk waiting any longer than he had been already.

At the front door she was greeted by a waitress who seemed much too cheery for such a late hour of the evening. Natalie strongly suspected that the woman’s smile was forced, but if that was the case then she hid it well. Too many years working in customer service, most likely. After a short conversation spent explaining that no - she wasn’t dining alone - and yes, her dinner partner was already here, Natalie pushed her way into the restaurant good and proper. A brief scan of the scattered tables and their occupants was enough for her to spot Luuk, and Natalie quickly made her way towards him. After weaving back and forth between several other tables, she was finally able to join him.

“Good evening” Natalie offered casually as she helped herself to a seat, slipping into the chair opposite Luuk. After a few brief moments spent making herself comfortable, she would continue.

“I was rather surprised when I got your message. This seems like a pretty late time to be going out for dinner, and pretty fancy for a student besides. It’s not finals week or something, is it?” A soft chuckle slipped from her lips at the thought. Luuk was probably rather busy, given the assignment that he had mentioned last time, but end of semester exams seemed an entirely different breed of evil.

Natalie reached for a menu then, quickly flicking it open to the first page. She spent a few minutes eyeing the contents, before glancing at Luuk again over the top of the laminated paper. “Have you ordered yet?” Truth be told, she had already eaten dinner earlier that night. Natalie would still allow herself to indulge in something small, though, if she could find anything that seemed appetising. Maybe a dessert.

[Ashen]

It wasn't long before Luuk received an answer to his text, a confirmation. He was surprised Natalie was taking him up on his offer to eat so late at night and at such a place, but nevertheless, he was excited to see her again. In the short time they had known each other, Natalie had already managed to give him such comfort, such assurance, and he had to repay her somehow.

He twirled the straw in his cup as he waited both for Natalie and his meal. He had no idea how far she lived from the restaurant, and for a moment he wondered if he had inconvenienced her by asking her out to somewhere that might have been a great distance from home. His anxieties faded when he saw her walk into the restaurant. She looked modest, a bit underdressed for a restaurant like this, but then, in his faded jeans and old T-shirt, so was he. Luuk had to admire how comfy she looked, how she didn't seem to mind how she appeared. He nodded his head towards her when she located his table and he greeted her warmly. "It's basically finals week," he replied with a shrug and a light chuckle. "Next week is, anyway, but I've got a whole weekend to prepare for that. I thought it would be nice to treat myself to a nice meal to celebrate being done with classes, and I wanted to celebrate finally knowing... anything about who I am and where I come from. And I thought... Why not enjoy that dinner with the woman who made that possible, you know?"

He waited for her to look over the menu. Luuk nodded at her question but insisted he had nothing to do that night and didn't mind waiting for her to pick something she'd like. As she looked over the menu, he let her eyes wander. She had a home-like quality about her that he couldn't help but notice now. He wanted to know more about her, but he didn't even know where to start.

Luuk waited until Natalie decided on something to order before he spoke up. "My project is going well," he began. "Your answers have been very helpful. I made a lot of progress on it, and I wanted to thank you again for the help you've been." He sipped at his glass of water, planning which questions he'd asked. "I wanted to know a little more about you, since you seem to know so much about me." He looked her over again, guessing at the answers to his questions but trying not to assume anything. "What do you for a living?" he went with, figuring that innocent enough. "Do you have a family?" He didn't notice a wedding ring, but then, loads of married women didn't wear theirs, either. He paused, then turned away. "I'm sorry if I ask a lot of questions. It's annoyed a lot of people before, so if you need to tell me to shut up, by all means." He offered her a lopsided smile. "Oh, and... I didn't wake you up or anything, yeah? I really appreciate you coming out here to see me, especially on such short notice. Do you live far?" He turned back to her, then looked away sheepishly. "Right, sorry, too many questions. I'm just... excited to get to know you, is all. If my parents were close to you, I trust you're a good person."

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie continued to watch Luuk over the top of her menu when her dinner companion began to speak. She refrained from answering verbally, but her facial expressions were telling enough. A small smile flickered across her features, and a hint of softness, or tenderness, seemed to creep into her expression unbidden. After a few quiet moments she gave him a simple nod, before turning her attention back to her menu good and proper.

She spent a few more moments going over the potential selections, before finally coming to a conclusion. Without any further ado, Natalie quickly folded her menu closed, before setting it down on the table in front of her. A quick glance revealed that most of the waiters were currently busy with other people, and Natalie quickly decided that she wasn't going to force the issue. She was in no major rush to eat, having come more for the chance to talk than the promise of food, and they currently had other matters to deal with. Still, it was only a matter of seconds before Luuk began bombarding her with questions, and a soft chuckle slipped from her lips. Last time she had dismissed it as curiosity about his family, but now she was starting to think it more a personal quirk.

"I work in restoration. Mostly buying up old furniture and antiques, fixing them up, and selling them again. Occasionally I'll get a client who wants me to repair something, but not often" she answered. The half-truth flowed off her tongue easily, well-practised as it was. "As for family, I'm not married, if that's what you're asking. No kids, either. Just a small apartment in Kingsholm, and a few friends I'd consider close enough to be blood"

Her answer was interrupted briefly when one of the servers she had glanced at arrived at their table, notebook and pen in hand. After a rather polite exchange, she quickly ordered herself one of the molten lava chocolate cakes from the dessert menu. After handing her menu back to the server, Natalie watched as she left them behind and disappeared into the kitchen, before glancing back across at Luuk.

"What about yourself? Are you with a foster family, or staying on campus at the moment?" she asked. She had seemingly discounted the possibility that he had moved out and was currently living on his own, supporting himself in full. She already had a rough idea of what his life was like, given how she was required to keep tabs on all the people placed under her care, but Natalie didn't see any point in letting Luuk in on that little secret. No, such a thing would only prove harmful at this point.

[Ashen]

Luuk was an attentive listener, and as Natalie answered his questions his eyes seemed to study her. Ever the scholar, the man had a habit of staring without realizing it, but he caught when the waiter arrived at their table and he looked away as if to study someone else or some decor of the restaurant. He nodded along, processing her answers, painting his mental portrait of this strange lady. "I see," he murmured in response. "You'll have to show me your work sometime. Restoration is fascinating. I used to follow someone who would repaint dolls for a living." He looked back to her. "I'm sure you would have a field day in my parents' house. All of Karen's furniture looks like it's from the 1800's. I'm not sure even you could help modernize the place." He chuckled softly, reminiscing about the home he'd grown to know well. In his grey eyes there was a light, an appreciation and maybe even love for the family he still had.

He listened to her questions, somewhat surprised that she would want to know about him. Luuk thought for a moment, and he prepared to answer but, seeing the waiter bringing his food, he paused as to not be interrupted. He thanked the waiter for his paella and poked at it with a spoon. Had he ever had paella? He looked back to Natalie, suddenly feeling awkward that he was the only one eating. "I'm on campus," Luuk answered, poking at bread left on the table when he'd first ordered. "I'm on an academic scholarship. I'm lucky. The commute from home would kill me in petrol prices." He ripped off a piece of bread and tossed it into his mouth. Luuk continued talking while he chewed, taking care not to drop his food. "I was thrown around foster care for a bit though, yeah. People didn't want a kid with an attitude problem and a need to find his birth parents, I guess." He shrugged, too used to the reality of his adolescence. "But then Karen found me, and we just... clicked."

The presence of food in his hands didn't seem to stop him; Luuk still waved his limbs with his words, talking too animatedly. "Karen was never supposed to keep me," he went on, giving a dramatic wave of his hand, "but she said God told her I was the one. I didn't buy that then and don't really buy that now, but she saw something in me. I spend my summers with her. I consider her a mother. She never had much, but she always gave to me, always eager to help. She's a large part of why I am how I am. I'm probably the reason she has a full head of grey hair now." He smiled again and dipped his bread in his paella. "I still keep in touch with other foster parents. Well, occasionally. I forget to most of the time. I try to keep a positive relationship with them. Show them my appreciation, you know?"

Luuk spotted a waiter walking towards them with a chocolate-looking cake, but the waiter kept walking. He turned his attention back to Natalie. "You only wanted dessert?" he asked. "I didn't mean to pull you away for just that." But he didn't seem all that bothered as he shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his drink. "Oh, I wanted to ask," he said suddenly. "It might not be your kind of literature, but since you made it possible, I figured I would ask anyway. When I'm done with my paper, would you want to read it? Dr. V--he's my history professor--he's got some weird requirements as far as projects go, but I hope to make it a... somewhat enjoyable memoir. You don't have to, of course. Just thought I'd offer."

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie nodded in something akin to gracious acceptance when the boy expressed interest in her work, visibly pleased by the interest he showed. Whilst it seemed a little early to tell if he was truly curious or merely being polite, it was a promising start. All the more so when considering her eventual plans for Luuk, should everything end up working out as she hoped it would.

"I'd love the chance to look, at the very least. I'd even offer her the sort of heavy discount I usually reserve for close friends" she answered honestly, quite enthralled by the idea. The opportunity to test her skills, better herself, and start a rather new and worthwhile project for an appreciative audience, was more than enough to draw Natalie's honest attention. As the discussion wore on, though, she gladly let the topic go, more or less content for the moment.

She proved the perfect audience as Luuk began to talk about his family life, a small smile gracing her features. Natalie was certainly starting to get the impression that he enjoyed the sound of his own voice, or though it impossible to dwell on a single topic for so long. Still, she didn't mind. It allowed her to sit back and listen, observe...and in any case, the history of his living arrangements was certainly an interesting enough to hold her attention. To gain some insight into the life of a child she had met, but never really known, and the carers who had previously been nothing more than names without faces. Still, she nodded in acceptance almost immediately when he offered to let her read his project, once it was all finished and polished and submitted.

"It probably isn't, truth be told, but I'd like to read it regardless. It'll be interesting to see what you came up with just from the little information I was able to give you" she answered, before turning her attention to the dessert that the waiter had set down in front of her while they were chatting. She picked up her spoon quickly, and paused only to give Mec a sly look.

"I admit it. Sugar is a....weakness of mine. You don't get a figure like this by eating healthy and exercising" she answered, pausing only to open up her mudcake with the edge of her spoon. It took all her self-control to stop from drooling. "As far as I'm concerned, this was well worth the trip."

She took her first mouthful, and spent several moments savouring the taste. Natalie smacked her lips greedily, and looked set to dive into the rest of her cake, but she decided to speak up first.

"Truth be told, I'm almost surprised you're so open concerning your upbringing. I haven't exactly spoken with many children in your situation, but it doesn't strike me as a topic they would generally be eager to discuss" she started, before pausing. A frown flickered across her features, albeit briefly. "Though it sounds silly now that I say it out loud."

[Ashen]

He was grateful that Natalie seemed so interested in what he had to say. Luuk loved his history professor, but knowing Natalie would be looking at his paper too, he felt motivated to put even more effort into this all-consuming project. The B or A he'd need to graduate was one thing, but Natalie's approval was the closest he'd ever get to his real parents'. He promised he'd send his paper the second he was finished, already thinking of ways to make his interpretation of the project even better.

Luuk watched her as she poked at her dessert. This girl was unlike the others he'd seen. She was by no means shaped by a model, but she was charming. She owned her body and her homey fashion sense, and Luuk had to admire that. Looking her over again, he had to admit, she was pretty. He wasn't one to chase skinny blondes anyway. Chase? Was it weird to think of a friend of parents as an attractive person? Luuk shrugged it off. He still didn't know how old Natalie was, and anyway, what did it matter? They were barely acquaintances, for now. Meeting her eyes again, he hoped they'd be more than that. He wanted to get closer to the person his parents chose to hang out with, the cute little whittler who'd wandered into his life.

He was brought out of his thoughts at her words. "You don't sound stupid," he assured her. "I think that's valid. I mean, for people like me, talking about the hard stuff always seems to be touchy. Me, I don't really get that. If you don't talk about it, it almost denies that it even happened, right? And it did happen, and it made me into who I am. I'm not ashamed of it or anything. If anything, I'm happy to talk about it. Finding my parents has been my goal since I was a kid, but Karen's been more helpful in that goal than anyone else. Well, except you, now. Of course I'd want to talk about her, and how we found each other. That's something most other people can't share, yeah? My mom found me, and we clicked. Most people just get stuck with whatever lady brought them into the world, you know?"

She was eating her dessert faster than he could eat his goopy rice dish. Luuk drew a few spoonfuls, giving himself a moment to think on it. He shrugged his shoulders and swallowed. "I don't mind talking about it," he continued. "That's who I am. I don't want to pretend things didn't happen. Besides, it's not like it was anyone's fault it all happened. That's just how the cards were dealt, yeah?"

[Namingtoohard]

Natalie’s expression was thoughtful as Luuk spoke at length about the reason he was so open with his personal history, and the nature of his relationship with the woman who had become his mother. His thoughts on the topic were definitely insightful, and offered a perspective that she hadn’t previously considered. She had heard it said before that a dad and a father weren’t the same thing, and Luuk’s sentiments definitely seemed to echo that same line of reasoning. Regardless, the more he spoke, the better Natalie felt she was becoming to understand. Not who he was, so much, but the sort reasoning he followed. Yes, she was becoming more and more certain that he was a good choice for what he had in mind.

Still, she felt a twinge of guilt as he shrugged off his own circumstances, dismissing them as the workings of fate. What sort of person might he have become, if not for her meddling? Not for the first time, Natalie had to remind herself that she had done what she had for their sake, just as much as hers. That she wasn’t responsible for those who had died - only given a second chance to those who had remained.

“You’ve had a lot of time to think this over, clearly.” She paused briefly then, opting for another spoonful of chocolate as she tried to figure out the best way to phrase what she wanted to say.

“The cards may have been dealt that way, but that doesn’t mean it was fair. It doesn’t matter if it was just bad luck or the dealer had an ace hidden up their sleeve. Everybody deserves the chance to know their parents” she added, pointing at Luuk with her spoon, before hesitating briefly. “I...lost both of mine when I was relatively young. I wasn’t even there to see it happen. But, looking back, the pain was well worth it for the chance to know them”

After a second spent dwelling on the thought, she cleared her throat noisily, trying to clear the air before the atmosphere became too somber. Perhaps talking about her own parents like that hadn’t been the most sensitive thing she could have done, but it was too late for that now.

“Would you change it, then? If you had the chance to...reshuffle the deck, so to speak.”

[Ashen]

Luuk regarded Natalie for a second, chewing over her words. She was grateful for the chance to have known her parents at all, even if knowing them created an unspeakable pain, no doubt. But, wouldn't some people argue it was better to not know that pain at all? He turned away, wondering how he felt. He'd known his parents, in another life. In this one, he'd spent hours upon hours searching for parents he'd never know. Was that better? The tears he'd shed, the sleep he'd lost, the countless brick walls he'd run into; were those better than keeping his memory, remembering how he lost them, how he knew he would never see his beloved parents again?

Her question pulled him out of his thoughts, and suddenly his grey gaze fell to the floor in deep thought. Would he change things? If he could fall into his mother's warm hug or relax at his father's reassuring voice, would he accept those things? "Of course I'd want to know my parents," he said softly, eyes still trained to the floor. "But if doing so would erase these past several years without them, I'm not sure I can answer that." He brought his eyes back to Natalie. "I am who I am because they were gone. Because I was thrown around different families so much. Because I met Karen and was believed in. I can't say I wouldn't have been okay with my parents raising me instead, but I definitely wouldn't be who I am now. And I don't know that I want to part with who I am for something that would affect me in ways I wouldn't even know."

Luuk shrugged his shoulders and sipped at his water. "No," he settled on. "No, I wouldn't reshuffle the deck. I've gone through a lot of heartbreak trying to know my parents, sure, but if not that, I'm sure in another life I would have gone through a lot of heartbreak for something else, you know?" He ended his small speech with a shrug and picked at his food. He'd come out to this restaurant for a meal, but Luuk was finding that he liked talking with Natalie far more than he liked eating overcooked rice and fish and clams. "You propose interesting questions," he told her. "It's... reassuring. You're like my professors." He smiled warmly at her. "I'm still confused about the how and the why, but... I'm glad you're here."

The waiter wandered over to their table and looked over Luuk's and Natalie's emptying plates. "Is there anything else I can get for you?" he offered.

Luuk sat up a little straighter and turned to Natalie. He wouldn't keep her for dessert; he wasn't feeling anything sweet anyway. He glanced at his phone and only then was he aware of the time. "Oh, wow, I've kept you out long, haven't I?" He turned back to the waiter and mentioned bringing the check, then turned back to Natalie with an apologetic smile. "Let me cover your dessert," he suggested. "I don't mind, and I'm the one that dragged you out here anyway."

[Namingtoohard]

Content to sit back and listen for the time being, Natalie set about finishing off what little remained of her dessert, even as she listened to Luuk talk through his thought process. It sounded like he was doing so just as much for his own benefit as hers, as if voicing his thoughts aloud would help him come to a conclusion. When he finally arrived at his decision, Natalie nodded once in acceptance. Truth be told, she had no idea which answer she had expected him to choose, or which she would have preferred. Her question had been born out of nothing more than a moment of idle curiosity. Despite this, however, his decision felt...right, somehow. Whilst a part of her wanted to question him further, however, she found herself smiling at the kind words that followed.

"What a wonderful compliment" Natalie answered honestly, unable to keep the pleasure out of her voice. She hesitated then, mulling over the rest of his little speech carefully, as if trying to find the right words. After a few moments, Natalie set her spoon down on her plate with a gentle clatter, before finally speaking up once more. "I know I didn't do the best job explaining myself last time. Its been a long time, and those don't make for the most pleasant of memories. Even beyond that, it'd take a great deal of context to explain properly" Natalie started. After a moment she realised that she was rubbing her forehead with one hand, and forced herself to place both of her hands on the table in an attempt to stop herself fidgeting.

"Just give me a bit of time. A chance to get to know you a little bit better, think things over...try and figure out the best way to broach the topic" Natalie finished, giving her companion a wry smile.

It was at about that time that the waiter arrived at their table. Natalie acknowledged the man with a brief glance and a simple nod, all whilst setting about the simple task of rifling through her pockets in search of her wallet. Perhaps it was simply the fact she was sitting down now, or that she had just finished eating dessert, but why did jeans always seem to get tighter when one needed to get something out of them? Regardless, she wasn't planning on letting Luuk get away with paying for her twice in a row.

"Oh, I don't mind. You covered me for the coffee last time, after all, so its only fair that I get this one...and besides, you're a student" she answered, her tone dismissive, and the implications behind her words clear. Pulling her wallet clear, she quickly flipped it open and plucked a card from its depths. The next time she spoke, it was to the waiter himself.

"I think we're done. Just the bill, thank you" she answered, offering him the card as if the matter was settled. Apparently she didn't know Luuk well enough to know better just yet.